Married woman asked me if I loved her. I said yes, but..

MercyandFaith said:

This is what I had considered. But the church has an urgent shortage of pianists and needs me playing.

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Pianists don't make the church. Several churches have no pianists.

Matthew 5:27-30
Matthew 5 NIV

i think if someone is unfaithful to one, someone is unfaithful to all. nothing good can come of it.

MercyandFaith said:

Long story short: a married Christian woman has had a crush on me for a long time. Although I like her too, I have told her many times that we can't be together.

She asked me again, today, if I still liked her. I replied, "Yes, but we can't be together."

But, although that was the truthful answer - indeed, I think the most truthful answer I could have given - part of me wonders if I sinned by saying so. Should I have lied instead and said, "No I don't like you?" Should I have replied, "I'm not answering that?"

I am somewhat tormented inside now.

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I think that this woman is either not truly saved or made the wrong choice in a partner. While I think both of you should be in a loving relationship she is most certainly in the wrong for trying to get you to commit adultery with her. Personally, I wouldn't have admitted that I liked her if I were in your shoes but there is nothing wrong with being honest. Be very careful OP and be mindful of this situation. What she offers is not love at all. She won't value you and she won't love you. A relationship with her would be the quick and easy path which always leads to destruction. You lose, she loses, her husband loses, and your future wife loses. There are no winners in this situation. Just do what Joseph did and walk away.

MercyandFaith said:

Long story short: a married Christian woman has had a crush on me for a long time. Although I like her too, I have told her many times that we can't be together.

She asked me again, today, if I still liked her. I replied, "Yes, but we can't be together."

But, although that was the truthful answer - indeed, I think the most truthful answer I could have given - part of me wonders if I sinned by saying so. Should I have lied instead and said, "No I don't like you?" Should I have replied, "I'm not answering that?"

I am somewhat tormented inside now.

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You could have simply said, "You are a married woman. That is not an appropriate topic for conversation. Sorry. Let's talk about something else." Or, far better yet, distance yourself from that woman as much as you possibly can. Permanently.

From Proverbs 7

Say to wisdom, "You are my sister," and call understanding your kinsman;
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they will keep you from the adulteress, from the wayward wife with her seductive words.
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At the window of my house I looked out through the lattice.
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I saw among the simple, I noticed among the young men, a youth who lacked judgment.
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He was going down the street near her corner, walking along in the direction of her house
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at twilight, as the day was fading, as the dark of night set in.
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Then out came a woman to meet him, dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent.......
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With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk.
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All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose.
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till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his [spiritual, salvation] life.
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Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what I say.
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Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths.
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Many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng.
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salt-n-light said:

Nah just ask for her to call her husband up. I would imagine if you are a married woman pursuing someone repeatedly, then a "no" is not enough, and I DOUBT the husband knows. If she still doing it, I would tell an elder of the church.

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I doubt it too... but in this day and age, you don't know for sure. They could have a marriage that is more open to extra-marital things. Regardless, she is who came forward, not him. I would tell her "No" and be done with it. But that's me.

MercyandFaith said:

Long story short: a married Christian woman has had a crush on me for a long time. Although I like her too, I have told her many times that we can't be together.

She asked me again, today, if I still liked her. I replied, "Yes, but we can't be together."

But, although that was the truthful answer - indeed, I think the most truthful answer I could have given - part of me wonders if I sinned by saying so. Should I have lied instead and said, "No I don't like you?" Should I have replied, "I'm not answering that?"

I am somewhat tormented inside now.

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Given the feelings between you, and her married status, you should not have allowed yourself to be in a situation with this woman that gave her opportunity to ask you such a question. But, having asked it, you should have pointed out the wickedness in such a question rather than answer it as you did.

MercyandFaith said:

Ok, thanks. So......what should I do now? It's already happened.

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No offense, but you know what you should do now. She's married. You're not an idiot, so don't pretend to be. If she's married, then you need to stay away from her. Period. But you already know that.

MercyandFaith said:

This is what I had considered. But the church has an urgent shortage of pianists and needs me playing.

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I'm sure Christ is more concerned with you keeping away from a married woman who from the sounds of it is already emotionally detached from her husband, and essentially emotionally cheating on him already with you - I'm sure Christ is more concerned with the two of you not falling into sin and destroying marriages than playing an instrument on Sunday morning.

Again, you know what you should do.

Honestly , that's gross of both of them and if I were you I'd stay away from both of them. If this is happening at church I'd meet with and inform the pastor.

MercyandFaith said:

A strange update on the situation: Her husband knows that she loves me, and has told her to talk to me so that I can talk her out of it. I've never heard of someone using this approach before.

I also feel rather used by both of them - that her husband is using me to get his wife to return to him.

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What she calls love is not real love, of course. You may just be another conquest for her, maybe of many others before you. She and her husband sound pretty alarming. Flee. Don't look back. Just get out of there.

I think this is a lot deeper than just being concerned over your response. It should also be alarming that you have feelings for a married woman. You have no commitment to her and she has no commitment to you. She is in union with another man. I would find it wise that you cut off all communications with her, in other words, flee from the situation entirely.

Honesty doesn't justify your response or your feelings toward her.

Lying also doesn't make anything better but is further sin. Nobody ever said you have to answer her questions.

So my advice is pretty blunt, stop talking to her, for her sake and for your own.

LaBèlla said:

I’ve been in a similar situation. We didn’t get together. He met another. I returned and we reconnected. They weren’t married and he never spoke of her.

But at some point I realized how far he’d go and I felt for her. No one wants to be in someone’s shadow. It creates problems in the relationship and in their hearts.

And I would never tolerate the same. I think the golden rule applies.

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There is no way that he and her could learn to be godly friends with full knowledge of the husband?

See, I really wish I had a sister and I believe that platonic friendships are okay ...

But I suppose the real question is, what does God think?

Yahkov said:

I think this is a lot deeper than just being concerned over your response. It should also be alarming that you have feelings for a married woman. You have no commitment to her and she has no commitment to you. She is in union with another man. I would find it wise that you cut off all communications with her, in other words, flee from the situation entirely.

Honesty doesn't justify your response or your feelings toward her.

Lying also doesn't make anything better but is further sin. Nobody ever said you have to answer her questions.

So my advice is pretty blunt, stop talking to her, for her sake and for your own.

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Romantic feelings for another man's wife ... not of God, I agree.

But how many people are walking around and living lives where they care for someone not their spouse and pray for them, but have to stay silent because our society doesn't believe in platonic friendships?

Neogaia777 said:

I guess people don't take marriage very seriously anymore... Oh well, I guess...

And not just their own, but anybody else's either... It's not just a contract, it's a very sacred, God ordained, and pre-arranged covenant, that needs to held up with the utmost respect, care and utmost seriousness, whether your own or someone else's...

God Bless!

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What if a third party is friends to both people in the marriage and is totally platonic? Would you still think the people in that marriage aren't taking their marriage seriously?

A love that stays inside of marriage and does not exhibit Christ's love and mercy to the rest of the world (not romantic obviously) would, to me, be a lifeless marriage at best.

PeterJames0510 said:

There is no way that he and her could learn to be godly friends with full knowledge of the husband?

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In the situation I described, no. They weren’t married and he declined my offer for friendship. He saw me in one guise and was right to admit it.

I think it’s difficult to dial back feelings if there’s active interest from either. If both want the other you’re playing with fire.

See, I really wish I had a sister and I believe that platonic friendships are okay ...

But I suppose the real question is, what does God think?

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I believe there are instances where that’s possible. Especially when they relate as siblings. I don’t think platonic friendships are wrong. I think they have a measure of blindness that neither broach.

The heart is deceitful and we shouldn’t tempt it with adulterous liaisons. We may find ourselves regretting the connection.

PeterJames0510 said:

Romantic feelings for another man's wife ... not of God, I agree.

But how many people are walking around and living lives where they care for someone not their spouse and pray for them, but have to stay silent because our society doesn't believe in platonic friendships?

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I get what you are saying but that's not what this thread is about. This is about a man with feelings toward a married woman and a married woman with feelings toward this man who is not her husband. Drastic difference between what you are talking about and what the reality of the situation is.

He is to care about her and pray for her, as we are all called to do. But where is the wisdom in light of the entire situation of having a platonic relationship with her? She is a married woman asking a man who is not her husband if he loves her. And from what we can gather from the OP, this is not some sort of sporadic situation but an ongoing one.

PeterJames0510 said:

But I suppose the real question is, what does God think?

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This woman is one flesh with her husband. The relationship is completed between the married couple and God. Their concerns are of each other and of God's.

I am not saying that a married couple cannot have friends. But as soon as you draw others into the marriage at a very personal level, you have yourself a serious issue. Put yourself in the husbands shoes. How would you feel about your spouse pursuing a platonic relationship with someone they have had a crush on for a long time? And to further it, how would you feel about this someone who shares similar feelings pursuing it as well? This is a stumbling block in a marriage, not something we ought to recommend or encourage.

PeterJames0510 said:

What if a third party is friends to both people in the marriage and is totally platonic? Would you still think the people in that marriage aren't taking their marriage seriously?

A love that stays inside of marriage and does not exhibit Christ's love and mercy to the rest of the world (not romantic obviously) would, to me, be a lifeless marriage at best.

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Yes I would argue it isn't being taken seriously. In such a circumstance the only thing that differentiates their marriage is sex. They are one flesh with each other. Not anyone else. Just not a fan of this platonic idea intruding on a marriage. Friends are not an issue. When you start to rely on someone else spiritually that is not your spouse, that seems like a situation that is lacking wisdom. A married couple could and should exhibit Christ's love and mercy. One excellent way from them to do so is within the marriage itself. A platonic relationship with others isn't needed in a marriage for this to happen.

Weigh out the risks of such a relationship with the reality of the OP. What's the benefit? Both the thread poster and the married woman get what they want to a degree? They are expected to keep it platonic and suppress their lust of being with one another? We should give up our lust, repent of it. Not come up with some sort of compromise with it.

I wouldn't lie. Why would anyone answer that they don't like someone, to their face, when in fact they do, unless you wanted them to go away? Even still, a lie is a lie. I would have answered 'Yes' but then stopped without 'but we can't be together.' In your post, you don't say anything about her wanting to be together. Are you assuming this? If you say 'yes' and she says nothing further like 'let's meet up at Motel 6' or 'I'm thinking about divorcing my husband so we can be together' in order to feel you out, that's different. But she hasn't said that or anything of the sort.

Yahkov said:

I get what you are saying but that's not what this thread is about. This is about a man with feelings toward a married woman and a married woman with feelings toward this man who is not her husband. Drastic difference between what you are talking about and what the reality of the situation is.

He is to care about her and pray for her, as we are all called to do. But where is the wisdom in light of the entire situation of having a platonic relationship with her? She is a married woman asking a man who is not her husband if he loves her. And from what we can gather from the OP, this is not some sort of sporadic situation but an ongoing one.

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*** Okay; so in scenario 1, the two have 'romantic' feelings for each other and ask this simple question. But because society says don't talk to each other because you'll commit adultery, they go silent and care for each other in their hearts.

What about scenario 2? Go to the husband and open the friendship with full knowledge and consent of the husband and involve the husband as well? Anytime she wants to do something with her friend, the husband must come or it won't happen.

Most people won't go with scenario 2 because they don't trust themselves to not do something sneaky.

Yahkov said:

This woman is one flesh with her husband. The relationship is completed between the married couple and God. Their concerns are of each other and of God's.

I am not saying that a married couple cannot have friends. But as soon as you draw others into the marriage at a very personal level, you have yourself a serious issue. Put yourself in the husbands shoes. How would you feel about your spouse pursuing a platonic relationship with someone they have had a crush on for a long time? And to further it, how would you feel about this someone who shares similar feelings pursuing it as well? This is a stumbling block in a marriage, not something we ought to recommend or encourage.

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*** I would feel very hurt and upset if my wife was doing this by herself without my consent, yes. But I would be perfectly happy if I was included in the friendship and we could all go out together and if that person brought their own spouse with them as well. If the other spouse didn't want to come, then I suppose we'd have to forget it.

Yahkov said:

Yes I would argue it isn't being taken seriously. In such a circumstance the only thing that differentiates their marriage is sex. They are one flesh with each other. Not anyone else. Just not a fan of this platonic idea intruding on a marriage. Friends are not an issue. When you start to rely on someone else spiritually that is not your spouse, that seems like a situation that is lacking wisdom. A married couple could and should exhibit Christ's love and mercy. One excellent way from them to do so is within the marriage itself. A platonic relationship with others isn't needed in a marriage for this to happen.

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*** But we are to be spiritually interdependent on others within the body of Jesus Christ. More and more as I think through this scenario, I think perhaps we should organize ourselves like the Bruderhof in communal living.

*** Christ, Spouse 1a, Spouse 1b, Single 2 -

*** In current society, Single 2 can't have a relationship with the female spouse 1b unless connected by some other family tie ... lest they fall ... lest they have feelings for one another that they will stoke ... etc. Yet, Christ's command to Single 2 is to love everyone, including female spouse 1b. He can so from afar in prayer. If he 'loves' her in his heart - that love may be misplaced if it turns EROS. But what if it never turns EROS or could be trained not to turn EROS ... is Single 2 still not allowed a friendship with Spouse 1b even if Spouse 1a is fully consented to it?

I guess not in this society or culture. We also refrain in American society from physical intimacies with each other; yet in European and other cultures, a simple kiss on the cheek or hug is seen as a nice hello with no sexual overtones. Yet in America, we have to sexualize everything to = bad. The Bible certainly doesn't do this.

Yahkov said:

Weigh out the risks of such a relationship with the reality of the OP. What's the benefit? Both the thread poster and the married woman get what they want to a degree? They are expected to keep it platonic and suppress their lust of being with one another? We should give up our lust, repent of it. Not come up with some sort of compromise with it.

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*** The benefit is that 'single 2' can learn how to properly love like Christ loved ... He did not love with EROS, but with AGAPE and PHILIA. What would be wrong with learning how to love members of the opposite sex as siblings only?

Don't get me wrong; I am not 100% disagreeing with what you are saying. I am saying that my arguments would be better displayed in Christ's millennial reign where we are perfected or in a Christian community like the Bruderhof. It's a shame to me that they cannot be fully realized in the earth today ... but I don't think anybody's trying. Gender is more than sex; a woman's emotions can sometimes lift the spirits of her brothers and sisters. Why should that be confined to marriage and avoided at all costs elsewhere?

It is disappointing that because of our fallen nature, people like me have to walk around the earth with an empty sibling hole in their heart and await a future glory. On the other hand, I suppose it can be argued that all suffering can be redemptive.

MercyandFaith said:

A strange update on the situation: Her husband knows that she loves me, and has told her to talk to me so that I can talk her out of it. I've never heard of someone using this approach before.

I also feel rather used by both of them - that her husband is using me to get his wife to return to him.

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Tell him to go see a pastor for a marital counseling, that it is not your job to interfere with their marriage.

justme6272 said:

I wouldn't lie. Why would anyone answer that they don't like someone, to their face, when in fact they do, unless you wanted them to go away? Even still, a lie is a lie. I would have answered 'Yes' but then stopped without 'but we can't be together.' In your post, you don't say anything about her wanting to be together. Are you assuming this? If you say 'yes' and she says nothing further like 'let's meet up at Motel 6' or 'I'm thinking about divorcing my husband so we can be together' in order to feel you out, that's different. But she hasn't said that or anything of the sort.

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I agree, he shouldn't lie. But he isn't obligated to answer her question in the way that she expects. His answer could simply be, "This is not an appropriate question to ask someone who is not your husband." And leave it at that. A response like this answers the question, corrects her, and is honest.