- Oct 13, 2019
- 20
- 14
- 25
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Baptist
- Marital Status
- Single
My understanding of salvation is that to believe in Jesus is to look to Him and trust in Him for salvation, essentially.
I had been a false convert for 2/3rds of a year, thinking I knew the Gospel and was saved, but I had twisted it in my mind, and fell into secret sin of a magnitude that I know I wasn’t really saved.
A little later, I thought for a little while that I had blasphemed the Holy Spirit, and so suddenly forgiveness of my sins became precious to me (before, it had just been academic), and I found out that because of my worries, I could know I hadn’t, essentially.
I then started doubting if I was saved and about what the Gospel was, and got really confused, but things worked together for me to piece together what the Gospel really is, and I had some assurance of salvation for a while.
Then a bit later, the doubts came back, and a friend asked me, if I got into Heaven, why that would be.
I replied that it would be because God gave me saving faith at some point.
He said that no, it was because Jesus died for our sins and rose from the dead. That statement struck me like a lightning bolt.
So then I started having assurance, not by knowing I had believed, but by telling the Gospel to myself again, trusting that Jesus saves me, and being assured-seemingly.
But then, I started having trouble doing this-I would try to trust in Jesus for salvation, and fail.
People have told me you can’t try to trust, that you do or you don’t, but I know-I have made a mental exertion to try and be confident in Jesus that He gives me forgiveness and eternal life through His death and resurrection, and have ended up with zero confidence.
I would sometimes be able to, and sometimes wouldn’t, and increasingly would ask questions when I seemingly could believe, that I couldn’t answer.
Then finally, about a year after my first worry, I stopped ever being able to be confident in Jesus-it’s like putting a key into the ignition of a car, turning it, and the engine coughs, splutters, and spits out smoke. My attempts to tell myself that Jesus saves me just descend into confusion and bleakness.
Furthermore, I’ve been getting worse about basically everything on the side, getting lazier, not doing as much of spiritual things, and getting angry a lot, mostly at God about my problem(and since fits of rage are one of the deeds of the flesh Galatians lists, this makes me just worry that I’m not saved, and what hope do I have of being saved if I’m not, after knowing what to do and trying to do it for over half a year now? God could help me, but if He hasn’t so far, what hope do I have of Him helping me then, unless what He wants from me is the humility to say I’m not saved? And I don’t have enough information, seemingly, to be sure I’m not saved-there are too many questions, and I’ve shown what seems to be fruit, and I think I repent and confess after my anger).
What should I do? How can I deal with flat inability to do exactly what I know should solve this-to just turn to Jesus and trust Him? That’s the answer to any other question! But inability to do it is the one thing it can’t solve! Or is it? And what is it that God wants or knows better about, that explains this? He doesn’t just leave people on the dark without hope, but I can’t see this not being that, unless I am saved already and this is a big trial, which is exactly the question at hand!
I had been a false convert for 2/3rds of a year, thinking I knew the Gospel and was saved, but I had twisted it in my mind, and fell into secret sin of a magnitude that I know I wasn’t really saved.
A little later, I thought for a little while that I had blasphemed the Holy Spirit, and so suddenly forgiveness of my sins became precious to me (before, it had just been academic), and I found out that because of my worries, I could know I hadn’t, essentially.
I then started doubting if I was saved and about what the Gospel was, and got really confused, but things worked together for me to piece together what the Gospel really is, and I had some assurance of salvation for a while.
Then a bit later, the doubts came back, and a friend asked me, if I got into Heaven, why that would be.
I replied that it would be because God gave me saving faith at some point.
He said that no, it was because Jesus died for our sins and rose from the dead. That statement struck me like a lightning bolt.
So then I started having assurance, not by knowing I had believed, but by telling the Gospel to myself again, trusting that Jesus saves me, and being assured-seemingly.
But then, I started having trouble doing this-I would try to trust in Jesus for salvation, and fail.
People have told me you can’t try to trust, that you do or you don’t, but I know-I have made a mental exertion to try and be confident in Jesus that He gives me forgiveness and eternal life through His death and resurrection, and have ended up with zero confidence.
I would sometimes be able to, and sometimes wouldn’t, and increasingly would ask questions when I seemingly could believe, that I couldn’t answer.
Then finally, about a year after my first worry, I stopped ever being able to be confident in Jesus-it’s like putting a key into the ignition of a car, turning it, and the engine coughs, splutters, and spits out smoke. My attempts to tell myself that Jesus saves me just descend into confusion and bleakness.
Furthermore, I’ve been getting worse about basically everything on the side, getting lazier, not doing as much of spiritual things, and getting angry a lot, mostly at God about my problem(and since fits of rage are one of the deeds of the flesh Galatians lists, this makes me just worry that I’m not saved, and what hope do I have of being saved if I’m not, after knowing what to do and trying to do it for over half a year now? God could help me, but if He hasn’t so far, what hope do I have of Him helping me then, unless what He wants from me is the humility to say I’m not saved? And I don’t have enough information, seemingly, to be sure I’m not saved-there are too many questions, and I’ve shown what seems to be fruit, and I think I repent and confess after my anger).
What should I do? How can I deal with flat inability to do exactly what I know should solve this-to just turn to Jesus and trust Him? That’s the answer to any other question! But inability to do it is the one thing it can’t solve! Or is it? And what is it that God wants or knows better about, that explains this? He doesn’t just leave people on the dark without hope, but I can’t see this not being that, unless I am saved already and this is a big trial, which is exactly the question at hand!