Hi there everyone!
I just made my account to this forum, specifically, so I could get this off of my chest. I tend to ramble and have a hard time condensing my points, so please bear with me if this comes out too long.
Let me preface by saying that the past 2 or 3 years, I consider myself to have been a very 'lukewarm' Christian. Yes, I preached the Gospel and I was passionate about God when I did, but I was not always thinking about God and I fell into some bad habits. I swore, was surrounded with unbelievers, became very petty and argumentative at times, hated other people sometimes too, and engaged in some very...question online sexual behavior with someone I dated long distance for several years.
This past year was hard. I broke up with my ex to be with my best friend(someone I've had more unconditional and pure love for more than anyone I've met to date), several of my friends either left or betrayed me, and I was going in and out of depression. I hit rock bottom, and once I did, I realized how much I'd been neglecting my faith and how bad that had been for me. Up until that point, I thought I had been saved and that I could just say a quick prayer each night, evangelize here and there, avoid breaking the ten commandments and I would be peachy-keen.
After I realized all of this, I started spending hours every day reading different parts of scripture and reading debates about theology and morality, listening to sermon after sermon by all kinds of pastors from different denominations, learning about the denominations themselves, and overall trying to better myself as a Christian. Sure, it was hard sometimes. I'd hit a wall or point of uncertainty and think 'heck, it'd be so much easier to just give up on all of this' but you know? Being an atheist and believing in 'whatever goes, goes' would be 100 times scarier and more stressful than anything I could face as a Christian. I love God and I refused to give up, and each time even when I got to the point where I'd contemplate the unthinkable, I'd come out of it feeling better and stronger than ever.
I think I've matured more spiritually in the last month that I have in my entire life, and I've been sharing my knowledge with everyone I know. I thank God all of the time for the wonderful people in my life, for pulling me through the hard times, and for all of the gifts and talents he's given me(art, music, writing and programming to name a few). Heck, my current boyfriend was atheist before we started dating, and even he's become very dedicated to Christ and wanting to grow spiritually. On top of all that,I also have started looking for churches in my area and plan on getting baptized a second time(I was baptized as a baby, but I really want to have the memory/experience of it now so I can have it as long as I live as a testimony to my love of Christ)
Now then, that sounds all great right? Well, it would be, except if that's all I had to say, the title of this post would be very different.
Here's the problem; no matter how far I believe I've come as a Christian, I still feel like I'll end up in hell and it's making me spiritually exhausted. In particular, I've been wrestling with the fear of whether or not listening to secular media or watching TV is a sin. Because if it is indeed a sin, and I don't repent--I'll go to hell, yes? I mean I don't consider anything I watch or listen to to be that bad. I have a high tolerance for swearing and (sometimes?)violence but no nudity or sex scenes at all when it comes to movies(I really enjoy anime for example); and when it comes to music, so long as it's not talking about sex(I'm pretty 'eh' if it's only implied to an extent)and it's not encouraging debauchery or anything satanic, I consider it to be okay.
None of those things tempt me to sin, and to be quite honest even after reading scripture I've never felt as though I was being 'convicted' of anything by just seeing or hearing stuff like that. Like when it comes to movies, I have no problem if a character has an alcohol addiction/is promiscuous so long as it's present as the character's 'vice' and it's not glorifying that kind of behavior. The only time I've felt doubtful is when I read devout Christians talking about how 'even seeing or hearing something that God hates is a sin' and that all secular media is mindless garbage(which, granted, a lot of it is; but I don't consider what I enjoy to be in that group). I always try to look for the good in what I watch and listen to, or just take it in as an expression of how flawed humanity is.
I've already read most of the major scripture addressing these things(The psalm about 'setting no wicked thing before my eyes', the philippians litmus test, etc)and even if I try to apply those scriptures, for me personally I just didn't feel convicted outside of other people's opinions. It doesn't help that I've been enjoying a lot of Paul Washer's sermons, and while I agree with 99% of what he preaches, he REALLY seems like he would not approve of my taste in music or movies.
I guess I feel like if I don't match the holiness of the other people who believe these things, I'll lose my salvation or will be considered 'lukewarm'. I could give up any of these things, but I want to make sure it's because of GOD--not other people's opinions--if I can help it, since I really value having a, albeit reasonable, sense of Christian liberty. Even when people say 'it's okay, you won't go to hell' or 'it's fine to watch/listen to those things' part of me is also like what if they're wrong though? I understand we live in a day and culture where people do not respect God's word as they should, and like Paul Washer talks about there are lots more 'lukewarm' Christians than most of us probably believe.
Any advice would be appreciated. I'm really just sick over this because I truly want to be as good as I can while still enjoying a little bit of this life and I AM TERRIFIED of going to hell...and I know full well that God can and will send me there unless I act correctly.
you are holy. You are in right standing with the Father because you believe in Jesus. Thats what HIS word says. Righteousness does not come by what you do. Is what the word says. The flesh was not changed when we were born again. So we all fight this kind of thing. Fear is not of God. That means these feelings and thoughts are NOT FROM GOD but the enemy to steal your joy.
