I am impressed with the way that you've handled it thus far but feel you need to find a way to confront it so other members of your church are protected from his sin. Just sweeping it under the rug helps no one.I'm graciously asking for advice on a struggle that I can't seem to shake.
The background...
My wife and I serve as volunteer ministry leaders in a church of about 200. We've been at the church for about 5 yrs. Our pastor started this church about 10 years ago. The pastor and I are fairly close, talking/texting a few times a week.
About a month ago at a small group (with our pastor present) my wife shared that she was struggling with some career ambiguity/satisfaction, the idea of getting older, and some hopes and dreams not coming to fruition. She communicated in such a way that it didn't come across as emotionally-charged, excessively heavy or emergent. More like, "This is what's on my heart right now."
Last week, my wife received a text message from our pastor which read, "Hey, let's get together, just the two of us, I want to know whats on your heart."
She shard the text with me and we discussed at depth. Candidly, I was surprised that he engaged 1:1, the playful context of the message, and that he didn't give me a heads up since we are so close.
We ultimately agreed that the intent was likely positive but the approach was somewhat off. Since it was a single incident we chalked it up to a bad choice and decided to cover it in grace and move on. He and I interacted Sunday as normal and my wife tried to respectfully steer clear as to not get in a conversation that could take him off his game him right before service.
Yesterday she received another text of a similar nature. I confess that I am now feeling protective and a little hurt that there has been no mention of his interaction with her to me even though we've had many conversations since. I still believe his intentions are good but I am confused and struggling with this adverse approach to what seems to be commonly accepted practices of healthy ministry relationships and appropriate male-female interactions.
At this point I believe we have to engage somehow but I want to do that respectfully and in a manner that protects my wife, the pastor, the church and the ministry.
The questions...
I know with a degree of certainty that other pastors whom I'm connected with or have served with in the past would not put themselves in such a position with another female, even with the best of intentions. I confess that I am more conservative on this matter and understand that there are other approaches. Even in the ministry we steward, I disciple the men 1:1 and she disciples the women 1:1. In instances where there is a need we attempt to meet it together. I can personally say that I have never approached a female to meet 1:1 and do my best to not open doors that could lead to those situations.
1. Am I being oversensitive, overly-conservative, jealous, or obstructive?
2. How should pastors (and other ministers) appropriately minister to opposite genders in the church or ensure that their spiritual development needs are being met?
Is there someone in your Church who has authority over this pastor? If so, maybe you should contact them and show them the texts so they can make the decision on the appropriate actions.
God be with you.
Yarddog
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