So I just had a second date with the woman from my church - what is the next step?

J Daniel

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We went out tonight to watch the new Joker film (really good film). I was holding her hand quite a bit during the film.

As we was taking the taxi home (holding each other's hand) I did say

*I am really having a strong liking for you*

She laughed mildly in response saying *you barely known me long*

(Which is true only been 6-7 weeks approximately).

But fact is we message each other - we have now gone out twice together (this second one was more her idea).

Where should I take this?

Because I feel as a man it is the man's job to lead this kind of thing!

She did say a few weeks ago she is not ready for relationship (cos hurt from the past hence why she goes to church).

Am I ready for a relationship? Heart says yes - but my head says no.

Same time I would like her and I to be exclusive in SOME WAY if that makes sense?

Any suggestions.

Thanks
 

tdidymas

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We went out tonight to watch the new Joker film (really good film). I was holding her hand quite a bit during the film.

As we was taking the taxi home (holding each other's hand) I did say

*I am really having a strong liking for you*

She laughed mildly in response saying *you barely known me long*

(Which is true only been 6-7 weeks approximately).

But fact is we message each other - we have now gone out twice together (this second one was more her idea).

Where should I take this?

Because I feel as a man it is the man's job to lead this kind of thing!

She did say a few weeks ago she is not ready for relationship (cos hurt from the past hence why she goes to church).

Am I ready for a relationship? Heart says yes - but my head says no.

Same time I would like her and I to be exclusive in SOME WAY if that makes sense?

Any suggestions.

Thanks
How about just take it slow? Don't rush it, because that's self-defeating. Develop friendship first, since romance without friendship is thin ice. Over the long haul, she'll see your character which gives opportunity for her to trust you. Tell her positive things you notice about her.
TD:)
 
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Occams Barber

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We went out tonight to watch the new Joker film (really good film). I was holding her hand quite a bit during the film.

As we was taking the taxi home (holding each other's hand) I did say

*I am really having a strong liking for you*

She laughed mildly in response saying *you barely known me long*

(Which is true only been 6-7 weeks approximately).

But fact is we message each other - we have now gone out twice together (this second one was more her idea).

Where should I take this?

Because I feel as a man it is the man's job to lead this kind of thing!

She did say a few weeks ago she is not ready for relationship (cos hurt from the past hence why she goes to church).

Am I ready for a relationship? Heart says yes - but my head says no.

Same time I would like her and I to be exclusive in SOME WAY if that makes sense?

Any suggestions.

Thanks

This is your second date and already you're declaring your never-ending-love while, at the same time, telling us that your head isn't ready for a relationship and knowing that she isn't ready for a relationship?

Back off, slow down and let the thing develop (if it's going to develop).
OB
 
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J Daniel

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This is your second date and already you're declaring your never-ending-love while
Not about NEVER ENDING LOVE just that I have a solid affection for her.
telling us that your head isn't ready for a relationship
Yeah cos sametime I don't want to b@lls things up like I have in the past. Heart and mind are different things.
elationship and knowing that she isn't ready for a relationship?
Yeah she has been hurt from the past and I have too.
Back off, slow down and let the thing develop (if it's going to develop).
Well she certainly wouldn't be going on dates with me or talking with me if she didn't like me (so I am certainly in right area).

I just think it would be nice to know if me and her were exclusive in some way that is all (even if we are not in a relationship)
 
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Not David

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We went out tonight to watch the new Joker film (really good film). I was holding her hand quite a bit during the film.

As we was taking the taxi home (holding each other's hand) I did say

*I am really having a strong liking for you*

She laughed mildly in response saying *you barely known me long*

(Which is true only been 6-7 weeks approximately).

But fact is we message each other - we have now gone out twice together (this second one was more her idea).

Where should I take this?

Because I feel as a man it is the man's job to lead this kind of thing!

She did say a few weeks ago she is not ready for relationship (cos hurt from the past hence why she goes to church).

Am I ready for a relationship? Heart says yes - but my head says no.

Same time I would like her and I to be exclusive in SOME WAY if that makes sense?

Any suggestions.

Thanks
Why weren't you watching a movie about Cyclops?

But seriously, you should had make a joke when she said "We haven't met that long" like "Well, 30 minutes waiting in line is long enough for me" or "We are having a Disney romance", yadda yadda.

Also don't get into an illusion with a single woman, otherwise you might become needy. Keep having dates with her and with others.

Keep in mind that "I am not ready for a relationship" might mean she is not interested in a relationship with you, I have seen how girls said that yet they get into a relationship in a couple of weeks.
 
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Unofficial Reverand Alex

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It's going to be confusing; when a man loves a woman, a lot things make a lot less sense!

You're in for a weird emotion ride (as you're already aware), and Christians are rarely told how to handle long-term emotional unpredictability like this. Just keep praying, keep offering it all to God; you may feel like you're screwing something up, you probably will screw something up, but any good woman is understanding enough to help you through it (as you will do for her, I'm sure).

Try to go slow, but don't be afraid to invite her to/accept her invitations to anything. Concerts, meals, just going for a walk, any chance to spend time together (in person!) is good; just don't feel rushed to step up the intimacy.

Oh, and pray for her any time you think of her; you'll still be nervous, but this helps a lot (and helps her a lot, too!).

Is this your first relationship?

Peace out, rock on, God bless you & all budding relationships! Keep Him first & all will go well in the end!
 
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J Daniel

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Keep in mind that "I am not ready for a relationship" might mean she is not interested in a relationship with you, I have seen how girls said that yet they get into a relationship in a couple of weeks.
Of course - very true
 
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bèlla

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I think its good you were honest about your feelings. Women spend a lot of time debating this and trying to figure things out. Clarity is best.

You have two choices:

Develop an intentional connection which enables you to become better acquainted. This isn’t dating or courtship. You’re free to consider others.

Step back and behave platonically and focus your attention elsewhere.

Option one is promising but it will heighten your interest with no guarantee in sight. The second is safer. You’re still in contact but you aren’t exposing your heart to potential hurt or disappointment.

As you consider your options, take note of the dichotomy between what she says and how she responds. If you see a pattern of receptivity to your presence; rolling the dice makes sense.

If you’re her lone consideration and you don’t believe she’s hedging, the first approach is best with the appropriate adjustments for pacing and intimacy.

In your shoes, I’d take the first if he articulated interest and his actions backed that up. I’m not a soothsayer. You need to spell it out. ;-)

If that wasn’t the case, but I felt potential exists. I’d modify the intimacy and guard my heart. But I wouldn’t go all-in.
 
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blackribbon

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Are you or her ready for a relationship? How you would handle if the other person stopped being interested is how you measure that. If you aren't healthy enough to walk away if you see something unhealthy or are too emotionally weak to handle if she walks away, then the answer is that you aren't ready. You are more interested in just the "feels" ... how it feels to be infatuated.
 
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J Daniel

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I am a little confused or maybe I am just old fashioned but from your previous posts (with your first date) the hand holding and kissing, sounds like you are in a relationship.
Yes you would think so of course - we have a liking for each other - holding hands - etc etc etc but nothing OFFICIAL - you have people that have sex but are not in any kind of relationship (for course we know that is not Godly) but just saying.

But I know the things she asks me it would certainly indicate she would like something with me...............I think just all a time thing!
 
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J Daniel

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I think its good you were honest about your feelings.
Well SHE told me she is not ready atm cos of past hurt - but I never told her my heart says yes and mind is no - but yeah...
Develop an intentional connection which enables you to become better acquainted. This isn’t dating or courtship. You’re free to consider others.
Yes I want to know her more - but I don't want her considering others lol cos that is why I would LIKE us to be exclusive in some way even if we are not 'relationship' fine - i don't want to be with a community lady - but that is why I always say UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED BOTH PARTIES ARE FREE!
Step back and behave platonically and focus your attention elsewhere.
Yeah true.
ou’re still in contact but you aren’t exposing your heart to potential hurt or disappointment.
Very true! I think I should just ask her - cos when she said she is not ready for relationship etc she said she doesn't want to rely on anybody for the future she wants of husband kids etc (which I am sure she did with her previous before the hurt came) so now she is more cautious - understandable.
As you consider your options, take note of the dichotomy between what she says and how she responds. If you see a pattern of receptivity to your presence; rolling the dice makes sense.
Could you explain what ya mean by that? I am not sharp - i am slow (but fast when I want to be ^_^)
If you’re her lone consideration and you don’t believe she’s hedging, the first approach is best with the appropriate adjustments for pacing and intimacy.
Well I would like to think I am her lone consideration.....#awwwwwwwww
She knows I care for her well! She knows she is VERY safe with me!! Even when the film ended ( was near midnight) got us our taxi told the driver to drop her off before taking me home - told her straight I WAS NEVER GOING TO LET HER TAKE TRANSPORT AT 12AM WHEN LEAVING MY 'CUSTODY' HELL NO!!!!!!!! she was like *AWWWW YOU ARE SO SWEET!!!* even when she brought a heavy gym bag with her (long story lol) i was holding it for her - her response *AAHH NO NO YOU DON'T NEED TO AHHH SWEET SWEET SWEET!!!* and she has been very understanding an considerate about my current situation i am going through!
Of course - what would i like to do with her next? Take her to her fav restaurant? Something unique(like an amusement park)? I just want to maintain this sequence of seeing her outside the walls of the house of God.
I remember you told me to ask her about her prayer life etc but cos we watched the film never really had time to talk - just in the taxi and whilst queuing for popcorn - anyway I talk to long lol
In your shoes, I’d take the first if he articulated interest and his actions backed that up. I’m not a soothsayer. You need to spell it out. ;-)
Yeah Bella likes men that are STRAIGHT TO THE POINT!
Funny cos when I told her I THINK I AM STARTING TO HAVE STRONG LIKING FOR YOU and she said AHHHH YOU DON'T KNOW ME MUCH YET

I said WELL YEAH I AM IN THE PROCESS OF KNOWING YOU

Like I am in the process in my walk with God
I am in the process of faith
I am in the process of reaching my goals
LIFE A BIG FAT PROCESS

(I told her all of this btw lol)

But yeah I guess from what you said in that lil bit there I need to ask her her views on us and how she feels? and if she sees others? (i have to brace for any response i get) but PERSONALLY i am cautiously optimistic that she would like something with me cos like i said she wouldn't be seeing me and messaging me etc etc.

Even when I saw her at the cinema and gave each other such a gripping hug (5-8 seconds) kissed me on the cheek really loving ya know - but yeah......there ya go!
 
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J Daniel

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Are you or her ready for a relationship?
If nobody is ready then I guess not - I just would like us to be exclusive in terms of interest at least.
If you aren't healthy enough to walk away if you see something unhealthy or are too emotionally weak to handle if she walks away, then the answer is that you aren't ready. You are more interested in just the "feels" ... how it feels to be infatuated.
Yeah but we are not toxic to each other nothing like that i think to myself at times (this is probably the best way to do things) keeps things going - anyway - there ya go!
 
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bèlla

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Greetings J Daniel,

Thank you for the kind words. I’ll address your questions below. :)

but I never told her my heart says yes and mind is no - but yeah...

This is an honest assessment of where things are. You’ve answered the question of mutual interest. Her willingness to accept a second date suggests she hasn’t ruled you out.

Yes I want to know her more - but I don't want her considering others lol cos that is why I would LIKE us to be exclusive in some way even if we are not 'relationship' fine

You may have difficulty securing exclusivity. It is impossible to predict what will happen in the coming months. You could cross paths with someone who’s open to dating and you’ve tied your hands.

An alternative approach is nurturing a God-centered connection that enables you to share her company without pressures or demands. In the course of sharing your faith you’re discovering one another’s character.

Over time you’ll know if she’s suitable for friendship or something more. This alleviates the necessity of dating, trial and error, and putting on the breaks.

The God-centered connection will enable mutual healing and relational growth. You’ll know whether you want to pursue things further—as in a courtship—or develop a platonic bond.

she said she doesn't want to rely on anybody for the future she wants of husband kids etc (which I am sure she did with her previous before the hurt came) so now she is more cautious - understandable.

Guardedness is a defense mechanism. She may arrive at a different decision when she’s healed and you’ve gained her trust. Since you’re both wrestling with similar challenges. Keeping God in the forefront of your communication will protect you from further hurt. And you’ll see her walk with Him.

Could you explain what ya mean by that? I am not sharp - i am slow (but fast when I want to be ^_^)

I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear. What I’m referencing is the differences in what she says and does. Her mind may compel the words (and she believes them). But her actions tell another story.

For example, while she acknowledged her lack of readiness, she was open to your attention and show of affection. Her receptiveness shows her heart isn’t closed. She just needs time.

Of course - what would i like to do with her next? Take her to her fav restaurant? Something unique(like an amusement park)? I just want to maintain this sequence of seeing her outside the walls of the house of God.

You can initiate the shift through your discussions and limiting romantic displays. Chivalry is fine. But you may want to hold off the kissing and handholding for a bit to give you both some wiggle room. That will change the atmosphere and allow greater intimacy.

Yeah Bella likes men that are STRAIGHT TO THE POINT!

I’m not a mind reader and I don’t see the wisdom of trying to figure things out. If a gentleman expresses an interest it’s a courtesy for each. I know where I stand and how to respond.

If he expects me to grasp his intentions the possibility for error is great. I may reach the wrong conclusion. I don’t assume my place. He needs to show me.

But yeah I guess from what you said in that lil bit there I need to ask her her views on us and how she feels? and if she sees others?

I think you’ll answer that through a God-centered connection without putting her on the spot. She may be undecided. Give yourselves time to discover the truth together.

I’m employing the same with someone. We enjoy the benefit of each other’s company and godly fellowship without the necessity of defining our engagement. Character and mutual interest will determine if we become friends, acquaintances, or something else.

This is my accommodation for Christian men. It alleviates expectation, rejection, or over exposure. We can relax in the confines of our faith and progress naturally. It isn’t rushed or forced. :)

~Bella
 
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blackribbon

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If nobody is ready then I guess not - I just would like us to be exclusive in terms of interest at least.

Yeah but we are not toxic to each other nothing like that i think to myself at times (this is probably the best way to do things) keeps things going - anyway - there ya go!

Next thing. Are you ready and able to get married? That would be the only reason to be "exclusive"...to determine if this is the right person to marry. Take more time to get to know this woman before you label the relationship. Build a relationship.
 
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