Something not right...

There's so much here that doesn't make sense due to the lack of details. Having inappropriate content on one's computer does not automatically make one a inappropriate content addict. That makes someone a human being and human beings aren't perfect. Asking him to submit to lie detector tests is where the real problems began.

Maudi said:

I don't even know where to start.

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I would agree with you; something is not right. (And I would agree with you too that having inappropriate content on one's computer does make one a inappropriate content addict.) There is no reason whatsoever to look at inappropriate content.

And yes, we need to be accountable to God for how we express our sexuality; and if that involves being accountable to someone else because of issues in the past, it's a consequence we live with. I did clean up after a war. That was 30 years ago. I'll have PTSD for the rest of my life. That's a consequence of having been the military.

You've stated that if you try to talk to your husband about how you feel; he gets defensive and angry. That's a problem. Is he abusive (physically or psychologically) to you or your kids? If he is; that's a valid reason to leave.

I was married for 18 years myself, to a man who also claimed to be a believer. The last 6 of those years we lived at separate addresses. We have one developmentally disabled child who will be 18 in a couple of months. I was the sole custodial parent of our son after the separation. My husband had two affairs that I was aware of and filed for divorce in February of 2017; so he could marry girlfriend #2. She broke up with him on March 3rd and he committed suicide that night. His employer called the police when he didn't show up for work 2 days in a row. The police found him in his apartment. He's swallowed a bunch of pills. About a week later; I'd found the suicide note. It was addressed to the girlfriend.

Then, since we weren't actually divorced; (The paperwork never made it to the judge.) I was still the next of kin. That turned into a bit of a legal fiasco; because his brother (who lived 3 states away) and the girlfriend accused me of murder. The police investigator wasn't buying it though. (I actually found this out from the detective.) Yet even if we had been legally divorced, the next of kin was his son; who was a minor, so all the legal proceedings still would have had to go through me.

Our son was 15 at the time this happened and in the 9 years between the kid's birth and the separation; we had sex once. I was a stay at home mom. Our son began getting early intervention services at a year old and has been in special education ever since. He has epilepsy. I've spent countless nights alone in hospitals while my son was monitored, X-rayed, MRI'ed, poked, prodded and tested in one form or another. The kid has had reactions to just about every medication he's been on. He still may not survive this. Yet we sat alone in the hospital. His dad rarely came to visit and when he did; he'd tell the hospital staff there wasn't anything wrong with the child. It was all in my head. (Well my imagination does not manifest epilptiform discharges on an EEG, or vascular malformations on an MRI.) Medical staff had a difficult time knowing what to do with dad; because it was clear that he wasn't quite dealing in reality.

My husband just never dealt well with life on life's terms and he just flat out couldn't cope. I think in some ways he tried. But he always described his efforts as like beating his head against a brick wall. And whether or not those walls were coworkers, doctors, the educational system or his perceptions of me or his son; he never could "figure it out". Happiness is an "inside job". No one person can "make" someone else happy.

So, I can't give you advice. I don't know what you "should" do (other than pray for wisdom as to what to do). Only two reasons given in Scripture for divorce is adultery or abandonment. And abandonment isn't necessarily only physically leaving. That's just the caboose at the end of the train. Separation too though doesn't necessarily mean divorce either. (It can; but if that turns out to be the case, the separation doesn't cause that. It just ends up being the final nail in the coffin.)

When my son was 5; we left and lived in a domestic violence shelter for about 4 weeks. My husband used to take his frustrations out on his son. He'd come home from work angry and scream at the kid for "not listening". (Well the kid also has autism and has difficulty even now processing language. So no, he wasn't "going to listen" because he couldn't understand.) Then he'd spank the kid for "not obeying". (Can't follow directions you don't understand.)

My husband agreed to go into counseling and because there had been some violent tendencies in the home; a CPS case was opened. It took years before I came to the realization that he didn't really want either of us back. He complained rather consistently about "feeling trapped"; and just could never really come to a place of understanding that everything in his world wasn't about him. He wasn't happy and for what ever psychological block he had; couldn't figure out how to learn how to be happy. What ever was wrong, was always someone else's fault.

So yeah, on one level I can say that I know how you feel. Been there; done that. (And at this point I've thrown out the t-shirt. LOL.)

Today, our lives are much calmer. My son will probably never be able to live on his own. I realized that a long time ago and I think that was one of the other issues his dad had. He flat out did not want the responsibility for taking care of this kid for the rest of his life. The relationship was quite stressful on the kid and ironic as this may sound; his mental health improved noticeably after the initial shock / mourning process of his dad dying passed. The stress of the irreparable relationship is now gone. And it's not like the kid didn't try. He asked his school social worker of his own accord to help him with his relationship with dad. Dad was the one who ultimately "dropped the ball"; when he stopped showing up. He'd stopped showing up because he'd found another girlfriend.

So in the end; he died alone after abandoning his family. Sad and ironic ending to a life plagued by a series of bad choices. Scripture says the wages of sin are death; and at times that's profoundly literal in our lives!

So in the end; you need to decide what you are willing (and capable) of living with and ask God for guidance.

In the end I decided my son's spiritual and emotional well being was more important than whether or not everything "looked fine" on the outside.

I grew up in the kind of family psychiatrists read about in their text books. My family life was complicated. My mother was an alcoholic with some serious psychological problems. There was sexual abuse going on and my dad was afraid he'd never get custody of his girls if he told anyone what was happening. (It was the 1970's. He was probably right. The courts would not have given us to him.) So dad stayed and "behind mom's back" he'd encourage me to "talk to people at school". I was a very depressed when I was 14; and I think dad was afraid that if I didn't talk to someone; (he was afraid to take me to a therapist himself) I wasn't going to survive high school. My life was more important to dad than any "family secretes" CPS would ever find out from what I would tell the counselor.

Today, I have one sister who's living her own version of "the great American lie". The other is mentally ill an my brother is now a pedophile. Both my parents are deceased and I'm almost 50 years old. I'm the only one who "made it out".

I'd decided when I first found out I was pregnant; though I wasn't sure I could take care of my son (I'd been hospitalized for depression and a suicide attempt myself, prior to getting married.) I was convicted that God gave me this child for a reason. He gave me a reason to live. He gave me a reason to continue to strive to get better. And I forced the issues; out of conviction that God required that I do what was morally right by my kid. I couldn't let his dad continue to mistreat him and if that meant the end of my marriage; it meant the end of my marriage.

God had / has brought us this far and hasn't dropped us on our heads yet. So I determined that I was just going to trust God and keep putting one foot in front of the other and the answers would find themselves. God didn't save my marriage. He didn't redeem my mother. He didn't fix my extremely dysfunctional family. My kid still has epilepsy and autism. I still have PTSD and at this point also a mobility impairment from a car accident. God has taken care of us though. He's been an ever present help through a multitude of trials.

Again, I can't tell you what decisions you should make; but if you keep praying for guidance the answers will come. Even if they aren't the "happy ending". I let my marriage go with a clean conscience and the conviction that I'd done every thing God had required of me to try and fix it. It wasn't fixable. And finally when the cop came to my door that Sunday afternoon and told me my husband was dead. I could finally let the marriage be over.

I will pray for you that God give you wisdom and courage. It aint easy! Believe me; I understand that!


My son's favorite band is Skillet. And when ever he feels like giving up; I play him this song:

We saw them this summer:

The Righterzpen said:

I would agree with you; something is not right. (And I would agree with you too that having inappropriate content on one's computer does make one a inappropriate content addict.)

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Following that logic, beer in one's fridge makes them an alcoholic.

Maudi said:

Everyday he acts as if everything is perfect...it's like some kind of game he plays...like we have this perfect, wonderful marriage. It is really bizarre. I try to make this normal and pleasant for our children and teach them to love there dad. I need some help...some direction as to where I should start. I try to talk to him...and tell him that our relationship is not normal and that something is wrong and he just blames everything on me and gets loud and angry. The last time we were intimate was about 8 months ago

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Has he always been like this - distant and sort of superficial in his communication with you? I just wonder if maybe he's never really learned how to express himself and open up to another person and instead keeps everything bottled up.

That may not mean it's the inappropriate content *causing* the problem - instead, it could be the other way around - that he was drawn to the inappropriate content as a way of escapism and to avoid genuine relationships.This may all mean that he just could use some help in healthy communication.

John P. Alexander said:

That makes someone a human being and human beings aren't perfect.

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No it doesn't. Not all humans look at inappropriate content. To me that's just an attempt to justify your own sin.

John P. Alexander said:

Following that logic, beer in one's fridge makes them an alcoholic.

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Except there is nothing inherently morally wrong about consuming alcohol. Scripture doesn't forbid it.

That can't be said about inappropriate content! Anyone who gets on the Internet, watches TV or movies is exposed to "inappropriate content" of some form or another. There's a difference between that though and "Let me seek it out and deliberately save it on my computer's hard drive; so I can look at it, fantasize about it, touch to it...." (or whatever).

What would Jesus do? (Not that!)

Scripture is very clear about fornication, lust, adultery etc. Jesus says: "If you look after a woman to lust after her, you've already committed adultery in your heart." And that is exactly what inappropriate content is for. We're not talking about looking at medical illustrations, seeing women breastfeed infants or looking at nudes in an art museum.

inappropriate content is like crack or meth. There is no valid reason to have it in your life.

You say that you are at a loss as to the something that isn't right, but after 18 years, surely you must have an inkling? If the relationship has been superficial for years, then your husband is getting satisfaction (and I do not necessarily mean sexual) in some other way. What is important to him? You mentioned appearances, and it sounds like that is a big motivator for him. If he is enjoying his "power" position as an elder of the church, I think that possibly there might be other ways he gets attention and accolades. Is that what he values the most? If not, what is?

If that is true, then it would explain why he would get hugely defensive and combative if you want to talk about it and rock his boat. What is his relationship like with your children? Is he affectionate with them?

Everybody has something that they hold in highest regard. If he is getting that something outside of your relationship, it might be a start at figuring out why he is so distant. You mentioned that he went to great lengths to prove that he would stop the inappropriate content when he was caught, and that you received counseling for it. It sounds to me like it's time to rock the boat and insist on couples' counseling. If he knows he can back you down by yelling when you challenge him, maybe he would be more likely to actually cooperate with a counselor if he feels that his perfect veneer could crumble if he refuses.

Do you pray together? If not, I would do so, and pray over your marriage with him. God might open his eyes to your sadness and need for emotional and physical intimacy in prayer in a way that might not happen otherwise.

I think you are right. Something is going on. It might be sexual, or it might not be. Whatever it is, your husband is shutting you out, and the two of you are not one. I pray that you can find the help you need for a break through.

I'd recommend you post your story on marriagebuilders.com which is the best Christian forum available to walk spouses through possible infidelities. They will help you find the problem and identify the steps most likely to be successful at saving your marriage (if you find adultery and are still interested in saving the marriage).

((Hugs))
E.