Daughter feels betrayed

I felt betrayed when my parents continued to go to a workplace to buy things after I had finished working there due to them treating me badly. it felt like they didnt care about how that place had hurt me.
my parents stopped shopping there after they realised how it hurt me and it was very healing for me that they did that.

your poor daughter, of course she feels like you care more about your brother than her and betrayed that you are taking his side not hers.
it will be healing for her if you stop writing to him because you know it hurts her.
your brother (if he has found God like he says) will support you not writing him as he also, (if he has found God) will not want to hurt his victim any further.

just stop supporting him and trust Him to God.

tell your daughter you are not going to write him anymore because she matters to you.

and she should matter more at this point you are betraying her if she has told you that you writing the man who injured her hurts her and you continue to hurt her.

I am glad my parents stopped supporting that place where I was treated badly by not shopping there after they knew it hurt me. it helped me heal a lot them standing with me on something as simple as that. I hope you can help your daughter heal by supporting her at this time she needs it, by stepping away from your brother and standing with her. she has let you know she needs you to do that. the little girl in her that was powerless back then needs you to do that now and stand with her now.

your brother seems to have taken the cake and eaten it too because he still has you and by doing that still is hurting your daughter. he will survive if you cut him off for a time. he's gotten away with a lot already he is resilient and devious like all molesters are. leave him to prison and the spiritual supports he has there for a time. he will be absolutely fine.

Endeavourer said:

Even at a further enormous cost to his innocent victim?

This is why Christians are often not a safe refuge for victims. They throw the victim under the bus in their protection of the perpetrator under a very skewed doctrine of 'forgiveness'.

Many people, as shown in these comments and similar stories, are all worried about the church's mission field to the perpetrators (who rarely change regardless of how much ministering you invest in them).

Yet, they forget about the other mission field - the mission field to the victim (who would be profoundly helped day to day by such a ministry).

In this case, the mother will further destroy her daughter if her mother chooses to take up the mission field to the perpetrator because by definition choosing her daughter's rapist is choosing him above her daughter, the victim. Anyone can minister to the perpetrator. The daughter only has one mother.

Here's an interesting article with that perspective:
Wise as Serpents: The Church’s Other Mission Field (Part 19 of sermon series)

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This is why Christians are often not a safe refuge for victims.

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Exactly.

lvee said:

She was 23 when she told me and didn't want to press charges. I couldn't be the one to do it then.

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To press charges, maybe not. But you could have filed a report, made a statement. If nothing else, it would have alerted police so that if another report was made, a pattern could be established.

Now, if you didn't know this at the time, that's a shame, but I know (sadly from personal and professional experience) that even people who, at the time they disclosed, said they didn't want to report, may years later feel anger, hurt and betrayal that the person they told didn't step in and act on their behalf. Especially if they're dealing with feelings of guilt and shame over subsequent victims.

So - I think my original comment is important. I very strongly suspect that this is a problem for your daughter now, that you didn't report then; and that that feeling of betrayal is colouring her responses to your present correspondence, and that it will need to be dealt with between you before you move forward.

Silverback said:

If we do not forgive, we will not be forgiven...basic message of the gospel.

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This is true. But integrating feelings such as anger is an important part of healing from trauma, and pushing victims to "forgive" before they've had a chance to work through that process can short-circuit their healing and leave them stuck in unhealthy emotions for the long term. Forgiveness has to be on the victim's schedule, not anyone else's.

DamianWarS said:

is there? what is purpose of forgiveness if it doesn't have restored relationship? God forgives me so that I may have restored relationship with him, does he not model the type of forgiveness we should offer others?

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Sometimes we forgive, wish the person every blessing and grace, but know that continuing in our previous relationship with them is only going to be harmful for everyone. Forgiveness leads to restored relationship with God, but it may not lead to restored relationship with an abuser who will continue to damage the other party in that relationship.

Here's another example of how often Christians are not a safe place of refuge for the abused and how they neglect the OTHER mission field, the mission field to the victims:

Silverback said:

If you have forgiven your Brother, then you should try to held your daughter to forgive him.

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Silverback said:

However, we are told to forgive, and we are told to remember, and visit those in prison (your brother) and to remember those who are mistreated (your daughter)

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Silverback said:

Those involved need to forgive him, and not forget about him.

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Silverback said:

If we do not forgive, we will not be forgiven...basic message of the gospel.
"You must forgive people for the outrageous things they have done, because God has forgiven you for the outrageous things you have done" -CS Lewis

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eleos1954 said:

Just like the Lord does with us .... He hates the sin, not the person. We are to love even our enemies. She needs to have a better understanding about the Christian way (forgiveness).

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smithed64 said:

Continue to write your brother. Pray for him. Help him to understand the scripture through your letters and with the love you have for him.

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Redwingfan9 said:

your daughter needs to understand that sharing the gospel with a vile sinner is important.

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Redwingfan9 said:

The evil her uncle did is exactly why mom needs to be in contact with him. Jesus told us to share the gospel with all sorts of sinners. He didn't say all but molesters.

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Do you notice all of the concern for the perpetrator, even at the expense of the victim, causing her more pain? Yet not one of these victim discarding perpetrator advocates said anything about the step niece who was let down by every adult in this family. How about some thoughts and prayers for her, huh?

By all means, keep them both in your prayers...but I think you should stop writing to him, and help your daughter.

Francis Drake said:

As someone once said, "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison, and waiting for the other person to die!"

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Who here is proposing “unforgiveness?”

Redwingfan9 said:

The evil her uncle did is exactly why mom needs to be in contact with him. Jesus told us to share the gospel with all sorts of sinners. He didn't say all but molesters.

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How many child molesters are you in contact with? This woman is not solely responsible for her brother’s spiritual ministry. Anyone but her would be better. She is not called to minister to him any more than you are.

Endeavourer said:

Here's another example of how often Christians are not a safe place of refuge for the abused and how they neglect the OTHER mission field, the mission field to the victims:

















Do you notice all of the concern for the perpetrator, even at the expense of the victim, causing her more pain? Yet not one of these victim discarding perpetrator advocates said anything about the step niece who was let down by every adult in this family. How about some thoughts and prayers for her, huh?

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My father committed a sex crime against someone outside of our family. I saw firsthand how Christians ministered to him and focused on his repentance and healing, while not saying a word about helping the victim. In fact, his “sin” of homosexuality was what was focused on, and what they tried to help him with, rather than his crime against a 14 year old.

Sparagmos said:

How many child molesters are you in contact with? This woman is not solely responsible for her brother’s spiritual ministry. Anyone but her would be better. She is not called to minister to him any more than you are.

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We as believers are all responsible to share the gospel with the lost. As for molesters, I'm a victim myself and I wouldn't be bothered in the least if people I knew reached out to the perp to share the gospel. It's not all about me and my feelings.

Sparagmos said:

My father committed a sex crime against someone outside of our family. I saw firsthand how Christians ministered to him and focused on his repentance and healing, while not saying a word about helping the victim. In fact, his “sin” of homosexuality was what was focused on, and what they tried to help him with, rather than his crime against a 14 year old.

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Can't the church do both? Why must it be all one or the other. It seems to me that the church can both share the gospel with a molester and minister to victims. That some churches may have focused too much one one over the other isn't evidence of anything other than an error by the church. It can do both, it should do both.

Redwingfan9 said:

We as believers are all responsible to share the gospel with the lost. As for molesters, I'm a victim myself and I wouldn't be bothered in the least if people I knew reached out to the perp to share the gospel. It's not all about me and my feelings.

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You didn’t answer the question.

Sparagmos said:

You didn’t answer the question.

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My old law firm had a number of molesters as clients (we had a guy who did criminal law). I've met and dealt with any number of them, including the creep who molested me as a kid. I've also had dealings with a number of victims over the years, including a number at my old church and a handful that I've met over the years at work.

Endeavourer said:

Here's another example of how often Christians are not a safe place of refuge for the abused and how they neglect the OTHER mission field, the mission field to the victims:

















Do you notice all of the concern for the perpetrator, even at the expense of the victim, causing her more pain? Yet not one of these victim discarding perpetrator advocates said anything about the step niece who was let down by every adult in this family. How about some thoughts and prayers for her, huh?

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Way to cherry pick comments related to the perp and this specific situation and jumping to wild conclusions. No one has said that the victim should be ignored.

Redwingfan9 said:

Way to cherry pick comments related to the perp and this specific situation and jumping to wild conclusions. No one has said that the victim should be ignored.

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I cherry picked all of the comments that by their virtue were telling the Mom to keep at it with the perpetrator even though doing so was a betrayal of one of the victims. All showed compassion for the perpetrator without concern for the betrayal that doing so caused his victims. Not a single person who was protecting the perpetrator in so doing expressed concern for the step niece (the other mission field).

This is an example of how the perpetrators are exalted in some circles of Christianity and the victims are trampled. I see this happening all of the time, particularly under some twisted "forgiveness" doctrines.

How about some ministry to the victims? FYI, perpetrators rarely change. This brother molested the OP's daughter, and after being caught went on to molest the step niece.

lvee said:

Now my daughter is angry that I write him and feels betrayed by me. How do I show her that I love her but I also have compassion for him?

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IF you want to go to Heaven you have to forgive people. It is for our own sake we forgive. It actually has nothing to do with the person accused. This is a common problem and 20% of children are investigated for sexual abuse. Those are reported cases that actually get investigated.

lvee said:

My brother molested my daughter and she told me when she was 23. I asked if she wanted to go to the police and she said no. Next day I confronted him and he admitted it. I was surprised he admitted it and told him he needed to work it out with her. My father was diagnosed with cancer so we put it aside to deal with him. After my father passed my brothers new girl friend shows up with her daughter and I know I have to tell her. I did and she still married him. Our family loses contact with him due to an argument with our mom. I began getting tugs from God to reach out to D (brother) we I refused. Seven years later he is arrested for molesting stepdaughter. We began writing and I sent him a bible. The police found out about my daughter and asked if she wanted to press charges and she did. I am all for her. I also forgive D and don't want to abandon him. He only has me and mom. He just agreed to a 22yr sentence. Now my daughter is angry that I write him and feels betrayed by me. How do I show her that I love her but I also have compassion for him?

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Does your daughter have any Christian faith? If so, tell her that in the Lord's prayer it says that we have to forgive if we want to be forgiven. Pray to help her understand that she has to forgive too, and that forgiveness is not the same as trust, or acceptance of wrong doing, but a way of letting go of hurt.

I pray your family will be healed and that all will be saved.

Endeavourer said:

I cherry picked all of the comments that by their virtue were telling the Mom to keep at it with the perpetrator even though doing so was a betrayal of one of the victims. All showed compassion for the perpetrator without concern for the betrayal that doing so caused his victims. Not a single person who was protecting the perpetrator in so doing expressed concern for the step niece (the other mission field).

This is an example of how the perpetrators are exalted in some circles of Christianity and the victims are trampled. I see this happening all of the time, particularly under some twisted "forgiveness" doctrines.

How about some ministry to the victims? FYI, perpetrators rarely change. This brother molested the OP's daughter, and after being caught went on to molest the step niece.

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I personally didn't see that the OP is giving all the sympathy to the perpetrator. It seemed she did take the daughter seriously and may not have been as prompt and on target as she should have been in helping her. But I see so many in such scenarios where family members discount the victim's stories, or try to gaslight them, that I don't feel upset by the mother's response. She is a human too. She didn't get any training on how to deal with this issue, but, again, at least she didn't try to sweep it under the rug.

The mother and the daughter both need to forgive. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." The guy is in jail isn't he? Forgiveness doesn't mean trust, and certainly doesn't mean you are accepting wrong doing. Unforgiveness is a burden that can embitter the soul and even cause health problems.

Perhaps the mother could be more supportive to the daughter in what she suffered. Don't know because we don't know the whole story of all the mother and daughter interactions. But we are told to forgive. There's no getting around that.

LoricaLady said:

I personally didn't see that the OP is giving all the sympathy to the perpetrator. It seemed she did take the daughter seriously.

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None of my comments quoted were from the OP. She came here in sincerity asking for wisdom. I embrace her request and pray for her, her daughter and her step niece's healing.

All of the comments I quoted were from other commenters who wanted to OP to continue writing to the perpetrator even if at the expense of the victim, her daughter.

Endeavourer said:

None of my comments quoted were from the OP. She came here in sincerity asking for wisdom. I embrace her request and pray for her, her daughter and her step niece's healing.

All of the comments I quoted were from other commenters who wanted to OP to continue writing to the perpetrator even if at the expense of the victim, her daughter.

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I don't see any problem with the OP writing to the perpetrator. What does "at the expense of the victim, her daughter" mean? That is a rhetorical Q. and no doubt a matter of opinion.

What if the daughter learns that there is forgiveness in Messiah even for child molesters? "He died once for ALL."

I can see how the daughter would feel betrayed and upset. But perhaps she needs more nurturing form the mother. Perhaps she needs a lot more prayer. Perhaps she could get some kind of counseling so that she can heal faster. Showing kindness to one person does not mean the other person has to be left out.

But it is not for you or for me to tell the mother how to forgive her brother. She said she loves him. "Love your enemy." She didn't say she trusts him. Maybe she can witness to him while he is in prison. Yes, the chances of his reforming his act are practically nil, but they would probably be zero with no family support at all. Whatever. We are told to forgive and it is not really up to us to tell the mother how to go about that.

Child molesting is an awful, ugly, traumatizing thing. But it's not the only sin out there by a long shot! David committed adultery and had the husband of Bathsheba murdered. Paul had Christians imprisoned in what were apparently horrific places, and was contributing to the death of at least one, Stephen, in his martyrdom. They received forgiveness.

We all have sins in our heart. Don't we want to be forgiven for them?

Well, whether we do or not, we are told to forgive. We are not told how to do it. We are not told to withhold forgiveness if someone else is upset by that forgiveness. We are just told to forgive. Messiah said what He meant and meant what He said.

LoricaLady said:

What does "at the expense of the victim, her daughter" mean?

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It means this:

LoricaLady said:

I can see how the daughter would feel betrayed and upset.

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The OPs action of writing and providing moral support as a pen pal to her child's rapist is hurting her child. It makes her child feel betrayed. Her child has told this to her and asked her not to write. Her child is not wanting to hang out with the OP (the mother) if the OP continues to write the perpetrator. Now the child will lose the innocence of her child hood, serve a life sentence of recovering from molestation AND lost a relationship with her mother because she was molested. That is beyond sad.

The child never asked for any of this pain; intentionally deepening the victim, her daughter's, pain by being a pen pal with the rapist is unconscionable.