Dealing with a toxic mother

She's got some emotional problems, that's for sure.

Be more careful about how you bring up Scripture with her. If you can deftly quote James 1:19-20 in her presence in a non-accusatory way that allows her to fixate on it, maybe that will help convict her of how she's been acting.

Some parents never learn that their verbal comments are inconsiderate nor are they asked for or wanted ! sometimes the only thing you can do is decide that you’re (hopefully )going to respect your children’s choices if they do something silly and\or harmless. Verbally abusing someone over a silly fashion is not acceptable behavior. Whether she like it or not . I wouldn’t debate with her as she also doesn’t seem to respect your feelings

follow

It seems like she had a bad childhood. I would not recommend you to talk about the Bible since it generates heat discussions but try to see the parts of Scriptures you both agree or understand.

Your mother needs healing from her past hurts and anything else that is leading her to be insensitive and even abusive. She is obviously not taking the Bible seriously so anything you quote to her will go in one ear and out the other. She also will not really listen to any "wise" words of advice you have to give her, but will only argue so that the situation escalates. She needs the Lord. All you can do is avoid conflict and pray for her and love her.

There is a classic book, available cheap at Amazon if used, or maybe in the library, called The Gentle Art Of Verbal Self Defense. It gives many examples of many different kinds of verbal abuse, but it also gives strategies to deal with them so that you don't argue or get into fights, but just deflect the other person.

nvm

So sorry for this difficult situation. Very difficult. I hope you are able to land with something better then what I was able to get.

I believe you would be well served by what we in my family call the high altitude approach. Whenever possible we stick to non confrontational subjects. Another tactic my siblings and I have had to learn is to avoid taking the bate. Dad will mention a topic of known disagreement, just so he can argue. We either change the subject or sit in silence until he moves on.

These haven't worked with my mother. She is so toxic that I have had to completely cut off relations with her to my great regret and sorrow. Things are pretty close to the same with my dad. However, my younger sister figured out these approaches much earlier and has been able to maintain some level of relationship with our parents as a result.

Unfortunately some parents are very difficult to get on with.

I think in a lot of cases, it can be despair and anger at their own life, but not always.

How they react can be difficult to handle. My own father was persistently cruel, and he did it deliberately. I make the claim that the night he died he appeared in my room, materialising near the door and moving towards the foot of the bed.

He started with an apology for "I've wrecked your life!" and "I've completely destroyed your confidence!" He also admitted "I've been an absolute mongrel to you!" He wasn't much better with my mother or sister either.

However I found it, and still find it difficult to forgive him as he admitted "I did it deliberately!"

When I challenged him with "Why!!" he replied "I was jealous! I didn't have the opportunities you did!" He didn't either.

At the end of the exchange it was obvious something was coming for him from his right - my left. He then gave this absolutely terrifying scream and just disappeared. Four days later one of my uncles turned up to tell me that he'd died, but that it was a mess as his body hadn't been found for four days.

Counting back four nights ...

Personally I think he went to hell, going by the dreadful fear and scream. That was 40 years ago last January, and i think he's still there. I remember much of the exchange even today.

The point is that in the end we're all responsible for our actions, even if we've had a difficult childhood. If we just use that as an excuse to take out our anger on others, we will ultimately destroy ourselves. And quite possibly others as well eg. family members, as they in turn struggle with the effects of their toxic parents.

I occasionally see a psychiatrist. In the beginning it was mainly due to depression, which in turn was due to my father. But these days we usually talk about spiritual things, as he's Catholic and has had spiritual experiences of his own.

However he's written a number of books on psychiatry for the layman, and in one of them he made the point that in such toxic families, the person who decides "I'm not going to be like my mother ... father ... brother etc." takes on the role of Christ in that family. They suffer on their family's behalf.

Whereas the person who decides "I didn't have it easy and I don't see why you should either!" ends up serving the devil, well and truly.

We can respond in either way.

https://www.amazon.com.au/HOME-PSYCHIATRIST-Dr-William-Wilkie-ebook/dp/B004JZXHU2

For the record, I've put in a link to one of the psychiatrist's books, but unfortunately you'd have to buy it to read the bit about taking on the role of Christ. If I remember when I get home again (I'm on the other side of the continent at the moment in a town called Busselton), I'll dig up the book sometime and put the quote in the discussion. But I'd have to get it out of storage first, so don't hold your breath.

Rcphill said:

So do I just stick to very generic subjects with her from now on?

Click to expand...

I feel your pain. I have a similar situation. I simply avoid topics I know will lead nowhere but grief. It's kind of unfortunate that we can't talk about things of substance. But if the end result is turmoil, then what is the point? I see it as being at peace with all people as far as I am able. If we can't talk, then you talk, I'll listen and I'll pray.

You've gotten some great, strong advice in this thread. I agree with it. Some people are too angry, or emotionally unbalanced, to talk to much other than agreements and peaceful exchange. I always say it's the people you have to walk on eggshells around - not pleasant, quickly exhausting, and not something you want to do much. There's still time for her to make her peace and improve to where you can later discuss varied topics without feeling like there's a timebomb in the room waiting to go off.