My Girlfriend does not want to have fellowship with others

bekkilyn said:

This advice is abusive.

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They are betrothed to be married. He will be head of the household's spiritual matters as assigned from God, per His Word. They will become one flesh. She is to submit to his leadership, per God's Word. How is this preparatory or proactive move abusive? The counsel was not to "make" her do it against her will. If she refuses his leadership it is REAL good that such is discovered BEFORE their marriage, is it not?

Monksailor said:

They are betrothed to be married. He will be head of the household's spiritual matters as assigned from God, per His Word. They will become one flesh. She is to submit to his leadership, per God's Word. How is this preparatory or proactive move abusive? The counsel was not to "make" her do it against her will. If she refuses his leadership it is REAL good that such is discovered BEFORE their marriage, is it not?

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I suppose you're right in the sense that it would be good for the woman to discover such a HUGE red warning flag before their marriage that the man she is betrothed to is abusive and that such authoritarian, controlling, and domineering behavior would only get worse as time went on.

Fortunately, it seems the OP has already worked things out with his betrothed, and in a manner that was respectful to both her and their relationship.

bekkilyn said:

I suppose you're right in the sense that it would be good for the woman to discover such a HUGE red warning flag before their marriage that the man she is betrothed to is abusive and that such authoritarian, controlling, and domineering behavior would only get worse as time went on.

Fortunately, it seems the OP has already worked things out with his betrothed, and in a manner that was respectful to both her and their relationship.

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Yes, it appears that she has submitted to his spiritual leadership. Another, might see it as you. But I would suggest that such another has suffered abuse from a man and would benefit from release. May I suggest this: Episode 38 - Interview with Patrick Doyle on Coping with Betrayal from Church, Family, and Friends - ,please scroll down about 3/4 of the way down to where it says "Click to Play" in pink. Also, books which may be of interest, "The Wounded Heart" by Dan Allender or "Healing for Damaged Emotions" by David Seamands or "Changes That Heal" by Henry Cloud

I am very happy it got solved between you and your fiancé.

I wanted to add something in here, considering what you said about wanting to make disciples. Those parts like for example when Jesus went to Simon's house to heal his mother in-law, it doesn't say anywhere that Simon's wife were also doing the same mission as her husband. We don't know what the wives of any of the apostles did, only that some did marry. Although we do read what Simon's mother in-law did after she got healed by Jesus:

Now He arose from the synagogue and entered Simon’s house. But Simon’s wife’s mother was sick with a high fever, and they made request of Him concerning her. So He stood over her and rebuked the fever, and it left her. And immediately she arose and served them. (Luke 4:38-39)

Even the wives of priests and pastors, aren't always put into the spotlight. In truth; a woman of God, when having a meek and quiet spirit, pleases the Lord greatly when being this way.

I am reminded of the wife of my earlier pastor, which first started off as a priest in the lutheran church, then later on became a pastor into a Vineyard church. His wife fits into the picture of a woman having a meek and a quiet spirit, she was also very gentle, thoughtful, and even though I didn't always agree with her at that time, I do think now that she was also wise.

I one time told her I thought she seemed as a person who didn't talk a lot, and she would tell me that she could also become very talkative, she wasn't always quiet.

Men and women do are differently build up, and our roles will not always be the same. How God puts you into position in what He has in mind for you, may not be the way He will put your wife into position. But everything will work out according to His will and plan.

Monksailor said:

AIKI, He did not say that she said she did not love the people of the Lord. It is interesting that you read that into what he said. It could be that she is afraid of being hurt. The church is not the safe haven it is supposed to be. Many people find that out in a VERY painful way.

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I've only just now noticed your post to me.

When a person loves someone, do they forsake their company? No. Love compels one into relationship with another even when it hurts to do so. This was true of Christ and it is true of those who truly love him. Love and being hurt go together; being wounded by those you love is inevitable in a Fallen world. Ask any married couple. But the love of Christ, imparted to the believer by the Holy Spirit, is able to endure such hurt which is, in part, what distinguishes it from mere human love and marks those who give such love as children of God. Consider 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;
5 Does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;
6 Does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;
7 Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

How is this kind of love evident in the behaviour the OP has described of his girlfriend? It isn't. Hence my comments.

By the way, the Church was not always a "safe haven" for Paul. He wrote,

2 Corinthians 12:15
15 And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved.

2 Corinthians 10:10
10 For his letters, say they, are weighty and powerful; but his bodily presence is weak, and his speech contemptible.

It is precisely because the Church is not always a safe haven that the love of God is so vital. Without such love, it is impossible to endure with patience, grace and equanimity the inevitable slights and wounds of being in relationship with people cursed by the Fall.

Monksailor said:

I know several Christians who are respectable and mature loving brethren/"sistren" who also have an aversion to fellowship with Christians because of very painful violations to them by the church.

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It is a good thing Christ did not behave this way toward us, eh? What does it say about your respectable and mature Christian friends that they have responded so differently to the "painful violations" they've sustained from fellow believers than Christ did to those who nailed him to a cross? "Father forgive them for they know not what they do," was Jesus' response to the evil men crucifying him. He gave up his life that his enemies might be saved. How about your friends? Would they be likely to love this way when by far, far lesser hurts they have become alienated from the Church? I very much doubt it. But how is it that they claim to have the Spirit of Christ, the Holy Spirit, within them, but do not love as he loved? Something is very awry.

Monksailor said:

Some of them even had their children run away from the church after seeing what happened. Church politics, social engineering, cliques, rumors, and etc. are unfortunately NOT excluded from the church.

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I grew up as a P.K. (pastor's kid). I know how nasty, and petty, and selfish professing Christians can be. But I have not walked away from the Church. How can I forsake the Great Love of God, His Bride, the Church? I simply cannot. I love what my God loves. So should every believer.

Monksailor said:

Please get off of your holier than thou horse;

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??? If you have a problem with what I'm saying, complain to God. I'm simply passing on what He has said to all of His children in His word.

I would also point out the hypocrisy in your remark here. How are you not guilty of being on your own high horse as you deride me for being on mine? You are, in your remark here, setting yourself above me as a critic, supposedly free from the thing of which you are accusing me. But you aren't free of your own high horse, which you must mount the moment you propose to tell me I have mounted one myself. It's the old "point a finger at me and four are pointing back at you" thing.

Monksailor said:

No, for these "heathen" you judge, "forsaking the assembling together" is a "sin" that is not unforgivable (are you sinless?)...

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It is a command - not a suggestion - of Scripture that believers not forsake the assembling of themselves together (Hebrews 10:25) . Those who disobey this command are in disobedience to the One who ultimately gave it, that is, they are guilty of sin. This is not me merely being "judgy," but the plain fact of Scripture.

Monksailor said:

...finding safer worship through the mass media, like in "Turning Point," or "Your Move," or "Leading the Way," or "In Touch," or "Insight for Living," or "Truth Which Transforms," or "Daily Audio Bible" w/Brian, or enjoying one of Ravi Zachariah's symposiums or debates and many more still show their love for the Lord and affords them the teaching and growing, however stifled it may be, we are called to exercise.

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One cannot properly show one's love for the Lord by forsaking the company - however difficult - of those whom he loves and for whom he gave his life.

Monksailor said:

But for them, right now anyway, church attendance is too dangerous and threatening.

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"Dangerous and threatening"? Have they been beaten with whips, spat on, and nailed to a cross? I very much doubt it.

Hebrews 12:3-4
3 For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls.
4 You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin.

Monksailor said:

They have been hurt REAL bad.

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See above.

Monksailor said:

The last thing that they need right now is an attempt to put a guilt trip on them for not coming. We are to encourage them in the Lord, not judge them. Shame on you.

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It does no good for a believer to respond to the sin of other believers by acting in disobedience to God. This is what a believer does when he justifies forsaking the Church because of the hurt he has sustained from other believers. Shame on you for encouraging such self-centered behaviour in your fellow believers.

Monksailor said:

Now are you going to judge them for using the mass media for worship?

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It is a clear contravention of the command of God's word for a believer to withdraw from the Body of Believers (though, there are obvious exceptions, like serious illness or death). If a believer is using mass media as a replacement for regular fellowship with a local community of believers s/he is in direct disobedience to God's command.

Monksailor said:

Would you rather have them watching..... or going to "Cheers" and drowning their problems?

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??? Do you know what a false dichotomy is? You've just made one here. The only alternative to mass media "worship" is not alcohol at a bar.

Monksailor said:

Leave them alone. They will come around in the Lord's time. Love and pray for them.

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It does not follow that because I have written what I have that I don't love and pray for believers who have sequestered themselves from the Church. In fact, if I did not care about the OP and his girlfriend, I would have written nothing at all.

Here's one final thing to think on: Are you loving as Jesus loves when you stridently wag your finger under my nose, as you have done in your post? You seem very eager to tell me to love while refraining from doing so yourself.

I am not shy like her, I am just reserved and introverted and I don't actually talk much in real life. You know, kind of like a quiet person. (That is just the way GOD made me and my personality, if you don't like it then you can leave)

You said she was shy? Maybe introduce her to people gradually? Don't force it.

Monksailor, you wrote:

"AIKI, It is interesting and revealing how you DEMAND absolute perfection on her part and judge her and assume innocence on his part given the incomplete story."

??? So, where, exactly, do I make any demands of "absolute perfection" of the OP's girlfriend?

Where do I assume innocence on the part of the OP? I don't recall ever writing, "OP, I think you're innocent."

You're entirely too eager to jump to the attack in response to my posts. Why is that? You've not shown my posts to be unbiblical or unloving, just not what you prefer. Well, here's a newsflash for you: I don't have to write responses according to your preferences. If you don't like my posts, simply don't read them.