Would you consider a married, but living apart?

I think mutual background checks are ideal so both know what they’re signing up for.

I think some people do it because they think it "legalizes" sex. It isn't a marriage though if they don't share their lives. How can "two become one" and yet live separate lives?

I was separated from my husband at times in marriage by situation. He was in the Navy at the time we married and he went out to sea for the first 4 months of our marriage. However, the carrier was not his "home". I also know some people who have to travel for work and fly home for the weekends or between assignments. This is not the same as having two homes because "home" is still a joint residence.

I can't imagine anyone loving someone enough to want to be marriage and yet want to live separate lives. To be married and yet live completely separate lives sounds like a sex buddy and not a marriage. Marriage implies blending two separate beings and lives into a shared life. I am not sure how a Christian husband can love his wife as he loves his own self while they live in separate homes and he lives his life the way he wants to live or how a Christian woman can submit to her husband while managing her own home separate from him. This is simply a marriage of convenience and not a marriage of commitment to each other or Christ.

Heck, I have been a widow for almost 11 years and I am still trying to figure out how to live separate from my husband. His absence still leaves me feeling empty inside. There is no way that I'd agree to a situation of separate homes except in dating (which would be the only option while dating). I think to get married only to have legalized sex (which is why I think people would do this) but otherwise live independent lives makes a farce of marriage.

blackribbon said:

I think some people do it because they think it "legalizes" sex. It isn't a marriage though if they don't share their lives. How can "two become one" and yet live separate lives?

I was separated from my husband at times in marriage by situation. He was in the Navy at the time we married and he went out to sea for the first 4 months of our marriage. However, the carrier was not his "home". I also know some people who have to travel for work and fly home for the weekends or between assignments. This is not the same as having two homes because "home" is still a joint residence.

I can't imagine anyone loving someone enough to want to be marriage and yet want to live separate lives. To be married and yet live completely separate lives sounds like a sex buddy and not a marriage. Marriage implies blending two separate beings and lives into a shared life. I am not sure how a Christian husband can love his wife as he loves his own self while they live in separate homes and he lives his life the way he wants to live or how a Christian woman can submit to her husband while managing her own home separate from him. This is simply a marriage of convenience and not a marriage of commitment to each other or Christ.

Heck, I have been a widow for almost 11 years and I am still trying to figure out how to live separate from my husband. His absence still leaves me feeling empty inside. There is no way that I'd agree to a situation of separate homes except in dating (which would be the only option while dating). I think to get married only to have legalized sex (which is why I think people would do this) but otherwise live independent lives makes a farce of marriage.

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And yet I hadn't considered sex. I'd thought of the being able to love and support someone without making either life more stressful without the added baggage, commute.

Sam91 said:

And yet I hadn't considered sex. I'd thought of the being able to love and support someone without making either life more stressful without the added baggage, commute.

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Why marry then? You are describing a good friend of either sex. Marriage is about taking on the baggage of your spouse and sharing the burden as well as the love. And there would still be a commute...the commute between a husband and a wife.

Early in my marriage, my husband went back to school to finish his degree. The commute was 2 hours each way and he went to school 5 days a week. I suggested that we rent him a room there to save him the daily drive or he could go to the family's ranch house that would have only been an hour each way. He said he wanted to sleep each night next to his wife and drove that drive for over a year. That is what marriage is about.

I can't imagine choosing to live apart. Why get married then? Just stay friends. Leave the door open for marriage with the person you really want to be around all the time.

Ohhhhhh here we go...people reducing Singles down to sex...it gets old. Just because you live in the same space doesn't make a marriage. So that lie needs to stop. The only marriage that is right for you is "your" marriage. No one can dictate for anyone else what's right for someone else. I have an illness that is said to only get worse as I get older. Even now I'm often up in the middle of the night doing whatever. I know my patterns and they have nothing to do with money or sex. There is a way that I take care of myself so that I can take care of others and that means "down time" without any interruptions.

People have different needs, and at this point in life if I were to get married that would be understood because it would be one of the major things that would show up in the dating phase. It may not be "traditional" to not live in the same house but I'm not talking about something noncommittal, sleazy, or less spiritual for that matter. I'm talking about having the space I would need for my health in order for "me" to have a successful marriage.

By the way the married people who are living separately (and the numbers are increasing) I think are 50+ years old. I heard a conversation about it on the radio last month. Sooooo don't assume...

quietpraiyze said:

Ohhhhhh here we go...people reducing Singles down to sex...it gets old. Just because you live in the same space doesn't make a marriage. So that lie needs to stop. The only marriage that is right for you is "your" marriage. No one can dictate for anyone else what's right for someone else. I have an illness that is said to only get worse as I get older. Even now I'm often up in the middle of the night doing whatever. I know my patterns and they have nothing to do with money or sex. There is a way that I take care of myself so that I can take care of others and that means "down time" without any interruptions.

People have different needs, and at this point in life if I were to get married that would be understood because it would be one of the major things that would show up in the dating phase. It may not be "traditional" to not live in the same house but I'm not talking about something noncommittal, sleazy, or less spiritual for that matter. I'm talking about having the space I would need for my health in order for "me" to have a successful marriage.

By the way the married people who are living separately (and the numbers are increasing) I think are 50+ years old. I heard a conversation about it on the radio last month. Sooooo don't assume...

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The question was what do each of us think about marriage and living apart (not does it happen). I (as in me) do not understand why someone would get married and then live apart. WHY get married then. Just be good friends. And how would marriage where you live in different homes and don't have sex be different than just being good friends. Sex is a part of marriage. Consummating a marriage is how a marriage starts and is considered legal. And it is how "two become one" literally. Without sex, then it is just a friendship. Otherwise, two same sex best friends who live together and are dedicated to each other could be considered "married".

If you don't want to have sex with your spouse and live with your spouse, why get married? What do you get out of the label "married" that you don't get out of just being good friends?

blackribbon said:

The question was what do each of us think about marriage and living apart (not does it happen). I (as in me) do not understand why someone would get married and then live apart. WHY get married then. Just be good friends. And how would marriage where you live in different homes and don't have sex be different than just being good friends. Sex is a part of marriage. Consummating a marriage is how a marriage starts and is considered legal. And it is how "two become one" literally. Without sex, then it is just a friendship. Otherwise, two same sex best friends who live together and are dedicated to each other could be considered "married".

If you don't want to have sex with your spouse and live with your spouse, why get married? What do you get out of the label "married" that you don't get out of just being good friends?

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I can see by your response you don't understand and you're making up stuff I know I didn't say about sex. So please don't quote me and then twist things around.

I see marriage as a very close Union. I also see human nature as quite highly sexual in general. But I think there is a difference in the sexual nature of people and in the sexual act. That act is far from perfect and there is no complete Union. But I guess people get what they can get. The general idea is that Sexual Energy can be spiritual and used for other things other than the sexual act. Berdyaev seemed to have remarked how maybe marriage could be some new kind of spiritual way of being. I think he himself practiced a kind of Monastery-like marriage. He was married but I don't think he had sex with his wife. Maybe he changed his mind later lol.

I have even heard that having many [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] with your partner may not be so good. There is another form of sex that I heard of recently but I forgot what it's called. But basically it just tries to bond and not [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse].

The question was what do each of us think about marriage and living apart (not does it happen). I (as in me) do not understand why someone would get married and then live apart. WHY get married then. Just be good friends.

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That is true, but the situation I see for real is after a couple gets married. He gets a good job, she has a good job, but in different places, and neither will budge.

quietpraiyze said:

I can see by your response you don't understand and you're making up stuff I know I didn't say about sex. So please don't quote me and then twist things around.

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No, I don't understand you and I didn't quote you. I tried to respond to your post and make a few statements to the thread in general, not necessarily just speaking to you alone.

(Also to people in general). I think that many 50+ year old married people living separately may be a lot of those who don't really have a real marriage relations but don't want to get divorced because of religious beliefs and not new marriages. I know a bunch of people who say their spouse makes a good father but a crappy husband...so they are just friends. Some after divorce. Some just married by law but not by commitment.

usexpat97 said:

That is true, but the situation I see for real is after a couple gets married. He gets a good job, she has a good job, but in different places, and neither will budge.

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How is this a marriage...? "neither will budge"...that isn't a partnership or "two being one". It is two individuals living as individuals. That is a marriage ripe for failure.

Noxot said:

I see marriage as a very close Union. I also see human nature as quite highly sexual in general. But I think there is a difference in the sexual nature of people and in the sexual act. That act is far from perfect and there is no complete Union. But I guess people get what they can get. The general idea is that Sexual Energy can be spiritual and used for other things other than the sexual act. Berdyaev seemed to have remarked how maybe marriage could be some new kind of spiritual way of being. I think he himself practiced a kind of Monastery-like marriage. He was married but I don't think he had sex with his wife. Maybe he changed his mind later lol.

I have even heard that having many [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] with your partner may not be so good. There is another form of sex that I heard of recently but I forgot what it's called. But basically it just tries to bond and not [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse].

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Where did you hear that too many [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] is not healthy? That would have to be a lot of [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. God made the act of sex to bond a couple together. The act itself when done by two people who love each other builds a bond between two people, both biologically and psychologically. I feel sorry for his wife if she loved him and he didn't have sex with her. That is a sure way to make your wife feel unattractive and undesirable. God made sex to bond married couples. That is why having sex outside a marriage is such a betrayal.

Noxot said:

The general idea is that Sexual Energy can be spiritual and used for other things other than the sexual act.

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Some use it in a ritualistic way. But that isn’t necessary for a believer. We can pray. Some abstain for a period of prayer and fasting. Paul mentions this.

The danger is sexualizing ones beliefs or pursuing a mystical union which we’re never advised to do. Some veer to the point of sexualizing God and that’s wholly wrong.

I have even heard that having many [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] with your partner may not be so good. There is another form of sex that I heard of recently but I forgot what it's called. But basically it just tries to bond and not [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse].

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That is taught in Tantra. You ‘could’ strip away the religious undertones and rely on the physical techniques. But the philosophy is interwoven in their faith. You won’t understand what you’re doing and the deeper meaning behind the acts. It isn’t necessary to walk that road.

God doesn’t sanction sexless marriages. We are told our body is not our own. His choice to abstain from release continually or deny her sexually opposes His directive.

blackribbon said:

Where did you hear that too many [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] is not healthy? That would have to be a lot of [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. God made the act of sex to bond a couple together. The act itself when done by two people who love each other builds a bond between two people, both biologically and psychologically. I feel sorry for his wife if she loved him and he didn't have sex with her. That is a sure way to make your wife feel unattractive and undesirable. God made sex to bond married couples. That is why having sex outside a marriage is such a betrayal.

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maybe the general idea is that so many people have sex and yet they don't stay together. I don't know, I was reading some random website that was talking about the non-[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] sex. They claimed that more bonding chemicals are released. Can't remember exactly what they said. Something about [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] being related to the bodies reward system. But I can't remember their explanation of how that could be bad for people.

Some people highly value asceticism because they think it helps them be nearer to God. And fulfilling the sexual act is such a powerful compulsion. Christians have always been suspicious of sex. I have seen it muck up many people's lives. Of course God Sanctified sex with marriage.

LaBèlla said:

God doesn’t sanction sexless marriages. We are told our body is not our own. His choice to abstain from release continually or deny her sexually opposes His directive.

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The Far Side away from a sexless marriage is swedenborgian. The idea that people will be married in heaven. I don't see anything wrong with it. Celestial bodies would be better anyways. people don't realize how ugly everything is in this reality. Disgust is so close to sex. I know what disgust does to a marriage. Watch out for disgust in a marriage, if it's happening it may soon end.

Why does God not sanction sexless marriages? Humans (conservative religious types) think marriage is for making kids but they like sex so of course they will do it for more than making kids.

Does God sanctify love? If two people want to have a sexless marriage then ultimately God will be their judge. I do not believe that God put everything in the Bible. God will keep teaching us forever. Some things are said for the sake of some souls in certain conditions.

How is this a marriage...? "neither will budge"...that isn't a partnership or "two being one". It is two individuals living as individuals. That is a marriage ripe for failure.

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I'm not arguing the point. In a marriage, both partners should be willing to relocate for the other. But often that just doesn't happen. Sometimes neither will budge, or--more often--one will not budge and the other feels walked all over.

Noxot said:

Disgust is so close to sex.

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disgust: Strong repugnance, aversion, or repulsion excited by that which is loathsome or offensive.

How do you equate disgust with sex? And what is the biblical text that corroborates this?

This is the Lord’s instruction to married couples:

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.

For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. —1 Corinthians 7:3-5

I believe sexual intimacy within marriage is holy and the marital bed is sacred. Sex is good and healthy. The negative connotations that exist are the result of sin and man’s wisdom.

While libidos differ and some have a healthier appetite than others. Maligning the act is not a realistic response to differences. It is best to acknowledge discomfort or lack of interest honestly without shame.

LaBèlla said:

disgust: Strong repugnance, aversion, or repulsion excited by that which is loathsome or offensive.

How do you equate disgust with sex? And what is the biblical text that corroborates this?

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There are various ceremonial laws that speak of genitalia making nasty unclean things. Humans can be gross down there. Republicans tend to have high disgust sensitivity, you ought to understand disgust.

Discomfort, lack of interest? What about not having sex to fuel your desire for each other? Or to overcome base desire for something more? Not everyone likes being dominated by their sexual drive. Its Not for everyone obviously, but could work for some. I have endless desire, the flesh can't satisfy me enough. The only hope is for a better body that can unite better. the celestial body is the true body of the person. It's not corrupt or mortal or disgusting.

Yes, an eternal home together sounds heavenly.