Home economics for a grown Christian millenial male

jisaiah6113 · Sep 21, 2019

I grew up in a blended family. Unfortunately, my parents divorced when I was 18 months old and my brother and I spent most of our time living with our Mom, who wasn't in a great place for much of her life. Now we're both grown, my brother and I. He's 35 years old, married, with two kids and a full time job with mortgage. I am 34, single, renting in a studio apartment, working full time, but pretty clueless about social skills and managing a home.

It's also important to mention that unlike my brother, I have bipolar disorder with delusional thoughts, and am being treated by a psychiatrist and therapist. So I'm better off than a lot of people in my situation because many people with mental illness do not work enough to support themselves and are dependent on family. I'm about 90% self sufficient at this point, as far as being independent from family financially.

Now that I'm on my own for the first time in my life, I'm realizing how useless it was to graduate with a B.A. without even knowing the basics of home economics. Having a solid grounding in basic adult living skills, which includes not only home skills but also interpersonal communication skills, communicating with the opposite gender, addressing people in authority, and "networking" at church and other social events, are skills that are clearly lacking, as now I am engaged in those fields of endeavor and don't know how to handle myself. Specifically, I work in an office full time and attend Divine Liturgy every Sunday, but I'm not sure how to make friends at church or how to make my female coworkers feel at ease, or how to make my superiors feel like investing the time and energy into training me was worth their trouble.

I was a janitor most of my adult life, and now I'm an office coordinator in an engineering office at a well known university. As one minister said, "New levels, new devils."

Any books, YouTube channels, or resources that come to mind about how to go from dependent adult child to man (with everything that means) would be much appreciated. I don't have a reliable father figure (polyamorous) so I can't depend on him for moral instruction.

miggles · Sep 21, 2019

i'm sorry about your condition. you have come to the right place. we are here to help.

redleghunter · Sep 21, 2019

If you are looking for how to cook for yourself, start with some Martha Stewart videos on YouTube

buy yourself a basic tool kit with a hammer, flathead screwdriver and Phillips screwdriver. Go to any store and buy one of those prefabricated bookshelf’s or end tables. Pull out the directions and put it together.

I have my teen boys work on stuff like that before I’d give them a bigger project.

Messerve · Sep 21, 2019

Well, in the absence of close friends or family the internet does help a lot with thing like basic household projects and cleaning tips. Just this week I was researching how to clean a bathtub with a textured floor because I work at a garage and it gets filthy with grease stains. But that textured surface makes it very hard to clean. I was able to find some good ideas to try and it looks a lot better now.

Also I wanted to remove an old light fixture and install a new light fixture which I'd never done before, so I relied on the internet a bit for that as well. I signed up for a DIY forum and posted pictures of the old fixture to make sure this insulation inside wasn't asbestos. I also needed help knowing if my house's wiring could handle a new fixture and what the number codes and Celsius symbols on the wire coatings mean. I asked for advice about wiring and how to identify hot and neutral wires. People were able to help me with all of that and I now have a nice new light in the hallway.

My dad knows how to do all that stuff, but in general he doesn't like to be bothered with it since he has his own projects. So I teach myself a lot of things.

jisaiah6113 · Sep 21, 2019

I'm looking for home maintenance skills, which are absolutely crucial, but also things like how to be a good conversationalist. Without knowing how to have a good face to face conversation, you can't get a job (or keep one) or make a friend. There are certain skills that build on other skills. Of course, knowing how to twirl a girl properly at a wedding you're invited to (and how to ask her to dance to begin with) are things I want to graduate to. But first, I need to learn how to manage my money, be a listening, empathic presence, and groom properly. Then from there I can learn laundry, and then self defense would be important. I think Art of Manliness touches on some of these issues. I think YouTube will be a lot of it. Hopefully I can connect with some older Christian men who have families in my church who might be able to give a pointer or two.

Sabertooth · Sep 21, 2019

Does your university offer any home ec classes? (That would solve half of your problem.)

Also, didn't janitor overlap with housekeeping (and some carpentry, plumbing, etc.)?

bèlla · Sep 21, 2019

I like The Art of Manliness. They cover a lot of issues pertaining to men that you’ll appreciate.

Rachel Ray is a good start for cooking. Her recipes are easy to follow, not too complicated, and won’t take forever to prepare.

Jillee has great natural cleaning tips that use non toxic products.

-Sasha- · Sep 21, 2019

jisaiah6113 said:
I grew up in a blended family. Unfortunately, my parents divorced when I was 18 months old and my brother and I spent most of our time living with our Mom, who wasn't in a great place for much of her life. Now we're both grown, my brother and I. He's 35 years old, married, with two kids and a full time job with mortgage. I am 34, single, renting in a studio apartment, working full time, but pretty clueless about social skills and managing a home.

It's also important to mention that unlike my brother, I have bipolar disorder with delusional thoughts, and am being treated by a psychiatrist and therapist. So I'm better off than a lot of people in my situation because many people with mental illness do not work enough to support themselves and are dependent on family. I'm about 90% self sufficient at this point, as far as being independent from family financially.

Now that I'm on my own for the first time in my life, I'm realizing how useless it was to graduate with a B.A. without even knowing the basics of home economics. Having a solid grounding in basic adult living skills, which includes not only home skills but also interpersonal communication skills, communicating with the opposite gender, addressing people in authority, and "networking" at church and other social events, are skills that are clearly lacking, as now I am engaged in those fields of endeavor and don't know how to handle myself. Specifically, I work in an office full time and attend Divine Liturgy every Sunday, but I'm not sure how to make friends at church or how to make my female coworkers feel at ease, or how to make my superiors feel like investing the time and energy into training me was worth their trouble.

I was a janitor most of my adult life, and now I'm an office coordinator in an engineering office at a well known university. As one minister said, "New levels, new devils."

Any books, YouTube channels, or resources that come to mind about how to go from dependent adult child to man (with everything that means) would be much appreciated. I don't have a reliable father figure (polyamorous) so I can't depend on him for moral instruction.

I had to figure out how to "adult" when I moved out, so I can offer a few general tips but I'll leave the man stuff to the men to address.
-Track your expenses, create a budget, and try to stick to it.
-It's really nice to have some savings in case an emergency comes up, like car trouble.
-Eating out and/or frozen dinners all the time is really expensive and probably unhealthy. Learn to cook, starting with simple stuff like spaghetti & tacos, and try to make enough that you'll have leftovers.
-Have basic tools & don't be afriad to use Google and YouTube to figure out how to fix something.
-Keeping stuff clean and organized is way easier than letting messes pile up and having to deal with them all at once.
-Cheap fiberboard bookshelves and tables seem like a much better deal than solid wood or metal, but they don't last long amd you'll have to keep replacing them.
-Making friends as an adult is more difficult than it was as a kid/teenager. If there are Church or work events, try to go & talk to people!
-If you don't know what to say, asking questions and letting the other person talk about something that interests them is often a safe bet.
-Don't beat yourself up about not knowing how to manage everything. As a kid I always imagined that when I was an adult everything would make sense and I'd have all the answers, but that's just really untrue.
-Try to keep up regular contact with your family. If you put it off for too long, you might start feeling bad & put it off for way too long.

salt-n-light · Sep 21, 2019

jisaiah6113 said:
I grew up in a blended family. Unfortunately, my parents divorced when I was 18 months old and my brother and I spent most of our time living with our Mom, who wasn't in a great place for much of her life. Now we're both grown, my brother and I. He's 35 years old, married, with two kids and a full time job with mortgage. I am 34, single, renting in a studio apartment, working full time, but pretty clueless about social skills and managing a home.

It's also important to mention that unlike my brother, I have bipolar disorder with delusional thoughts, and am being treated by a psychiatrist and therapist. So I'm better off than a lot of people in my situation because many people with mental illness do not work enough to support themselves and are dependent on family. I'm about 90% self sufficient at this point, as far as being independent from family financially.

Now that I'm on my own for the first time in my life, I'm realizing how useless it was to graduate with a B.A. without even knowing the basics of home economics. Having a solid grounding in basic adult living skills, which includes not only home skills but also interpersonal communication skills, communicating with the opposite gender, addressing people in authority, and "networking" at church and other social events, are skills that are clearly lacking, as now I am engaged in those fields of endeavor and don't know how to handle myself. Specifically, I work in an office full time and attend Divine Liturgy every Sunday, but I'm not sure how to make friends at church or how to make my female coworkers feel at ease, or how to make my superiors feel like investing the time and energy into training me was worth their trouble.

I was a janitor most of my adult life, and now I'm an office coordinator in an engineering office at a well known university. As one minister said, "New levels, new devils."

Any books, YouTube channels, or resources that come to mind about how to go from dependent adult child to man (with everything that means) would be much appreciated. I don't have a reliable father figure (polyamorous) so I can't depend on him for moral instruction.

Graduating with a B.A. is a great accomplishment don't downgrade it!

Best way of building social skills and managing a home is to work with others that know how to. Do you have any friends or family that is open to cook with you? Or are you open into going to cooking classes? Its a great way to both make friends and cook at the same time. Social gatherings with common interest in general help build strong bonds with others and in turn creates a network of people you can go to with other things like how to approach certain relationships or communication.

Sabertooth · Sep 21, 2019

Open more than one checking account. Credit unions are very accommodating to this idea.

(We went bankrupt when we both spent out of a single joint account to make all of our purchases.)

Now we have multiple checking & Paypal accounts, each with their own limited purposes,

Hub account: receives paychecks, pays monthly bills (via on-line banking), automatically funds other accounts below, short-term savings; no checks, no card.
Larder account: for all food & dining; card only.
Supply account: cleaning agents & toiletries (pharmacy?); card only.
Internet account: high-risk transactions, normally low balance, connected to Paypal; card only. Use this account when you must authorize biller to draw out their payments.
Gasoline allowance: for routine, weekly gasoline; Paypal card only.
Discretionary account: all the funds that are available after everything else has been paid, used for unexpected monthly expenses; card, paper checks.

Opt out of back-up funding for each debit card. Choose different card designs so you can tell them apart.

None of the funds may be used for other purposes (except emergencies) to stop raiding. If there is a build-up of unused funds, they may be sent to the Discretionary account or savings (at the Hub account) for re-assignment.

(I found out that this is a variation of the "envelope" accounting system.)

eleos1954 · Sep 21, 2019

jisaiah6113 said:
I'm looking for home maintenance skills, which are absolutely crucial, but also things like how to be a good conversationalist. Without knowing how to have a good face to face conversation, you can't get a job (or keep one) or make a friend. There are certain skills that build on other skills. Of course, knowing how to twirl a girl properly at a wedding you're invited to (and how to ask her to dance to begin with) are things I want to graduate to. But first, I need to learn how to manage my money, be a listening, empathic presence, and groom properly. Then from there I can learn laundry, and then self defense would be important. I think Art of Manliness touches on some of these issues. I think YouTube will be a lot of it. Hopefully I can connect with some older Christian men who have families in my church who might be able to give a pointer or two.

Maybe talk with your pastor and see if maybe he knows some men in the church who would like to be friends with you and mentor you along. People need to know the need and usually some will "step up to the plate". Maybe attend bible studies out of normal church hours.

jisaiah6113 · Sep 21, 2019

-Sasha- said:
I had to figure out how to "adult" when I moved out, so I can offer a few general tips but I'll leave the man stuff to the men to address.
-Track your expenses, create a budget, and try to stick to it.
-It's really nice to have some savings in case an emergency comes up, like car trouble.
-Eating out and/or frozen dinners all the time is really expensive and probably unhealthy. Learn to cook, starting with simple stuff like spaghetti & tacos, and try to make enough that you'll have leftovers.
-Have basic tools & don't be afriad to use Google and YouTube to figure out how to fix something.
-Keeping stuff clean and organized is way easier than letting messes pile up and having to deal with them all at once.
-Cheap fiberboard bookshelves and tables seem like a much better deal than solid wood or metal, but they don't last long amd you'll have to keep replacing them.
-Making friends as an adult is more difficult than it was as a kid/teenager. If there are Church or work events, try to go & talk to people!
-If you don't know what to say, asking questions and letting the other person talk about something that interests them is often a safe bet.
-Don't beat yourself up about not knowing how to manage everything. As a kid I always imagined that when I was an adult everything would make sense and I'd have all the answers, but that's just really untrue.
-Try to keep up regular contact with your family. If you put it off for too long, you might start feeling bad & put it off for way too long.

"Do not fight to expel the darkness from the chamber of your soul. Open a tiny aperture for light to enter, and the darkness will disappear." -St. Porphyrios

Awesome quote above. I've been wondering how to expel darkness from inside and I think if St. Porphyrios is representative of Orthodoxy, that's a good place to start.

-Sasha- · Sep 21, 2019

jisaiah6113 said:
"Do not fight to expel the darkness from the chamber of your soul. Open a tiny aperture for light to enter, and the darkness will disappear." -St. Porphyrios

Awesome quote above. I've been wondering how to expel darkness from inside and I think if St. Porphyrios is representative of Orthodoxy, that's a good place to start.

I'm slowly figuring out that a lot of the things I stress out about because they seem impossibly difficult are usually things that I should be asking God for help with instead of just relying on myself, and that's a big one! I would highly recommend reading some things from Saint Porphyrios and Saint Paisios, both were very beneficial for me.

Sketcher · Sep 22, 2019

jisaiah6113 said:
I grew up in a blended family. Unfortunately, my parents divorced when I was 18 months old and my brother and I spent most of our time living with our Mom, who wasn't in a great place for much of her life. Now we're both grown, my brother and I. He's 35 years old, married, with two kids and a full time job with mortgage. I am 34, single, renting in a studio apartment, working full time, but pretty clueless about social skills and managing a home.

It's also important to mention that unlike my brother, I have bipolar disorder with delusional thoughts, and am being treated by a psychiatrist and therapist. So I'm better off than a lot of people in my situation because many people with mental illness do not work enough to support themselves and are dependent on family. I'm about 90% self sufficient at this point, as far as being independent from family financially.

Now that I'm on my own for the first time in my life, I'm realizing how useless it was to graduate with a B.A. without even knowing the basics of home economics. Having a solid grounding in basic adult living skills, which includes not only home skills but also interpersonal communication skills, communicating with the opposite gender, addressing people in authority, and "networking" at church and other social events, are skills that are clearly lacking, as now I am engaged in those fields of endeavor and don't know how to handle myself. Specifically, I work in an office full time and attend Divine Liturgy every Sunday, but I'm not sure how to make friends at church or how to make my female coworkers feel at ease, or how to make my superiors feel like investing the time and energy into training me was worth their trouble.

I was a janitor most of my adult life, and now I'm an office coordinator in an engineering office at a well known university. As one minister said, "New levels, new devils."

Any books, YouTube channels, or resources that come to mind about how to go from dependent adult child to man (with everything that means) would be much appreciated. I don't have a reliable father figure (polyamorous) so I can't depend on him for moral instruction.

First of all, what you say you are lacking is in multiple categories, so let's break them up:

1) Taking care of things at home - laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, budgeting, basic repairs.

2) Interpersonal communication.

Help tends to be for one of these rather than the other for a given source. A good book or instructional video on interpersonal communication is probably not going to tell you how to do your laundry, and a blog dedicated to home economics is probably not going to tell you how to improve your communication skills for the office. You need both. Break up the pie before you start eating.

So given all that, I'm not exactly sure where you're starting from in terms of managing things at home. Do you cook at all, or is it only frozen, canned, and cold cuts? Do you do your own laundry? Do you have a budget worked out that adequately accounts for your spending? And do you know what a Christian's financial priorities should be, and why?

For task-specific things, the Internet is wonderful. You can search for things like "how to tell if carrots have gone bad" or "cast iron pan" or "how to use bleach". For cooking, I'll find two or three similar recipes, and make something in the middle - but I had a basic level of cooking experience before I started to do that. For learning cooking methods, YouTube is good. Watch several videos from different channels on how to do the same thing.

For communication, it's a big subject. Part of what I like on the subject is:

Charisma On Command - Charisma on Command
He really dissects both verbals and non-verbals.
Jocko Podcast - http://jockopodcast.com/
Jocko Willink is a former Navy SEAL who is now a business consultant. He has two books out on business leadership, and does plenty of Q&A. He talks about applying his principles at any level. Pay special attention to his examples of what he would say in a business environment, or what he has said in a business environment. It's not what a lot of people would expect.

LoricaLady · Sep 22, 2019

The Bright Side Channel on You Tube has a lot of info on social skills. You can practice them with a selfie on smart phone, on the mirror, with people in line in grocery stores and so on. As for home economics, a librarian could point you in the right direction. Ditto for social skills. Also, just think of one task at at time that you want to learn and type that in the subject line on You Tube.

Endeavourer · Sep 24, 2019

For social skills I highly recommend Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It's easy to read and gets right to the point. I read an excerpt of it as a kid, and the information that people feel they're have a great conversation with you when they are doing the talking has stayed with me for life.

To practice social skills, I'd volunteer for something interactive, like passing out food at a pantry or working at a Rescue Mission, or some other mission your church participates in. People are more willing to take their time interacting with you when you're helping them.

Your first step to solving your problems is identifying them and putting words to them. Great job at doing that!

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