Monksailor

Adopted child of God.
Supporter
Jul 5, 2017
1,487
909
Port town on west (tan sands) shore line of MI
Visit site
✟187,996.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
I am constantly bumping up against what I think is a new and sad conception of who a real friend is these days. It seems like people today think that a real friend is one who validates, agrees with, supports, or "likes" whatever you say/think regardless of its validity, correctness, or truthfulness. They just want validation, not qualification toward universal, cultural, religious, scientific, and other truths.

I try to be the best friend that I can be by examining what they have said in the light of God's Word, science, cultural, and other T/truths and render the most objective response I can. My response, many times, I think comes across as "unfriendly" to them because it doesn't simply and quickly validate whatever they have just said but rather toward helping them see the widest perspective I can or see things which they appear to be blind; hopefully aiding them to arrive at what I understand as the various T/truths of our universe, primarily, God's Word, but certainly not exclusive of that.

This could be the curse of being a "critical thinker" but I think that is only part of the situation. By the way, a critical thinker is NOT the same thing as a critic:

"Critical thinking means making reasoned judgments that are logical and well-thought out. It is a way of thinking in which you don't simply accept all arguments and conclusions you are exposed to but rather have an attitude involving questioning such arguments and conclusions. It requires wanting to see what evidence is involved to support a particular argument or conclusion. People who use critical thinking are the ones who say things such as, 'How do you know that? Is this conclusion based on evidence or gut feelings?' and 'Are there alternative possibilities when given new pieces of information?'" Pasted from: What is Critical Thinking? - Definition, Skills & Meaning - Video & Lesson Transcript | Study.com

So, what do you all think about what a REAL friend is regarding how they respond to what you say? Do you think that they should just validate what you have said or examine it against all of the truths/facts they know and maybe give you a response which may be difficult to deal with? I add after the first response, I am not talking about feelings. Certainly, we should validate feelings and I will make a note of that again, but I am discussing content and reasoning, such as if one were asking for advise, sharing an idea or conclusion, or a conflict that they had with another.
 
Last edited:

ChicanaRose

Well-Known Member
Mar 26, 2019
1,250
1,331
west coast
✟75,698.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
Do you think that they should just validate what you have said or examine it against all of the truths/facts they know and maybe give you a response which may be difficult to deal with?
I think it's important to validate their feelings but you don't need to validate their false belief system.

I would say something along the lines of:

"I understand how you feel. And it's reasonable to feel that way given your situation/ what you have been through" (emotional validation).

"But the Word of God says..." (correction/guidance)

"I know it's not easy, but I am/ the church is here to help you get through this..." (follow up with emotional support)
 
Upvote 0

Monksailor

Adopted child of God.
Supporter
Jul 5, 2017
1,487
909
Port town on west (tan sands) shore line of MI
Visit site
✟187,996.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
I think it's important to validate their feelings but you don't need to validate their false belief system.

I would say something along the lines of:

"I understand how you feel. And it's reasonable to feel that way given your situation/ what you have been through" (emotional validation).

"But the Word of God says..." (correction/guidance)

"I know it's not easy, but I am/ the church is here to help you get through this..." (follow up with emotional support)
Thank you very much for making that distinction. I have amended my OP in light of what you have said. May God bless you for this reminder.
 
Upvote 0

pdudgeon

Traditional Catholic
Supporter
In Memory Of
Aug 4, 2005
37,777
12,353
South East Virginia, US
✟493,233.00
Country
United States
Faith
Catholic
Marital Status
Widowed
Politics
US-Republican
A real friend is someone who is available.
We don't think much about this, but spontaneous social interaction these days ain't what it used to be.

A real friend is someone you can confide in, and trust that they can
1. listen
2. comfort,
3. encourage,
4. advise, and
5. help you to a right decision (and in that order).
 
  • Like
Reactions: Monksailor
Upvote 0

bèlla

❤️
Supporter
Jan 16, 2019
20,479
17,634
USA
✟933,034.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
In Relationship
I think you need to consider the nature of your connection in light of your response and the person’s makeup. Some people can’t handle hard truths. And others won’t receive them unless you’ve reached a depth of familiarity and bond. Sometimes a person desires an ear, not advice. Be certain that’s the case.

The issues you’re mentioning are individual. If that person reacts negatively to your input don’t give it or accept the consequences of doing so.
 
Upvote 0

Monksailor

Adopted child of God.
Supporter
Jul 5, 2017
1,487
909
Port town on west (tan sands) shore line of MI
Visit site
✟187,996.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
I think you need to consider the nature of your connection in light of your response and the person’s makeup. Some people can’t handle hard truths. And others won’t receive them unless you’ve reached a depth of familiarity and bond. Sometimes a person desires an ear, not advice. Be certain that’s the case.

The issues you’re mentioning are individual. If that person reacts negatively to your input don’t give it or accept the consequences of doing so.

What you say is very much appreciated by me. I think that applies more to face-to-face interaction. Here, online, the qualifiers you give are not so evident, if at all.
 
Upvote 0

Aabbie James

Maintain love and truth in perfect balance
Jul 15, 2019
423
483
West Coast
✟37,760.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
I am constantly bumping up against what I think is a new and sad conception of who a real friend is these days. It seems like people today think that a real friend is one who validates, agrees with, supports, or "likes" whatever you say/think regardless of its validity, correctness, or truthfulness. They just want validation, not qualification toward universal, cultural, religious, scientific, and other truths.

I try to be the best friend that I can be by examining what they have said in the light of God's Word, science, cultural, and other T/truths and render the most objective response I can. My response, many times, I think comes across as "unfriendly" to them because it doesn't simply and quickly validate whatever they have just said but rather toward helping them see the widest perspective I can or see things which they appear to be blind; hopefully aiding them to arrive at what I understand as the various T/truths of our universe, primarily, God's Word, but certainly not exclusive of that.

This could be the curse of being a "critical thinker" but I think that is only part of the situation. By the way, a critical thinker is NOT the same thing as a critic:

"Critical thinking means making reasoned judgments that are logical and well-thought out. It is a way of thinking in which you don't simply accept all arguments and conclusions you are exposed to but rather have an attitude involving questioning such arguments and conclusions. It requires wanting to see what evidence is involved to support a particular argument or conclusion. People who use critical thinking are the ones who say things such as, 'How do you know that? Is this conclusion based on evidence or gut feelings?' and 'Are there alternative possibilities when given new pieces of information?'" Pasted from: What is Critical Thinking? - Definition, Skills & Meaning - Video & Lesson Transcript | Study.com

So, what do you all think about what a REAL friend is regarding how they respond to what you say? Do you think that they should just validate what you have said or examine it against all of the truths/facts they know and maybe give you a response which may be difficult to deal with? I add after the first response, I am not talking about feelings. Certainly, we should validate feelings and I will make a note of that again, but I am discussing content and reasoning, such as if one were asking for advise, sharing an idea or conclusion, or a conflict that they had with another.
1 Peter 4:8-15 Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without complaint. As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.
 
Upvote 0

bèlla

❤️
Supporter
Jan 16, 2019
20,479
17,634
USA
✟933,034.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
In Relationship
What you say is very much appreciated by me. I think that applies more to face-to-face interaction. Here, online, the qualifiers you give are not so evident, if at all.

The same holds true online. You must earn the right to speak about personal issues. Few people will welcome you butting into their affairs. No matter how well-meaning you are.

I shared an experience with someone I met online that explains my perspective. See post 7.
 
  • Like
Reactions: ChicanaRose
Upvote 0

Monksailor

Adopted child of God.
Supporter
Jul 5, 2017
1,487
909
Port town on west (tan sands) shore line of MI
Visit site
✟187,996.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
I think it's important to validate their feelings but you don't need to validate their false belief system.

I would say something along the lines of:

"I understand how you feel. And it's reasonable to feel that way given your situation/ what you have been through" (emotional validation).

"But the Word of God says..." (correction/guidance)

"I know it's not easy, but I am/ the church is here to help you get through this..." (follow up with emotional support)

You know, regardless of the reasoning content, maybe it is good to try to detect undisclosed feelings and address them first. It may be a good tact to gain acceptance of what you are about to offer. People like me have their brain engaged in so many areas analyzing what is being said that feelings are not so evident. And granted, although feelings are just the caboose of the train, the last in significance to the first two: FACTS of Scripture and FAITH in those facts (Campus Crusade's train metaphor of one's Christian life-See their Evangelizing tract), they ARE very important to some, however irrelevant to qualifying facts and truth.
 
  • Useful
Reactions: ChicanaRose
Upvote 0

Monksailor

Adopted child of God.
Supporter
Jul 5, 2017
1,487
909
Port town on west (tan sands) shore line of MI
Visit site
✟187,996.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
The same holds true online. You must earn the right to speak about personal issues. Few people will welcome you butting into their affairs. No matter how well-meaning you are.

I shared an experience with someone I met online that explains my perspective. See post 7.

If one is chatting in an open "room" or forum they are opening up discussion/contribution from anyone. If one wants to be exclusive and limit anyone's responses then that is what "Conversation" or IMs or Inbox-one on one communications are for. If one airs their laundry out on the public street they can only EXPECT attention from any passer by; be it what they want to hear or not. They have no right to be offended if they hear something which they don't want to hear, unless it is profane.Did you ever think that they didn't want to smell that dirty laundry? If privacy is wanted it is easily facilitated.

Additionally, there is no comparison to the quality of face-to-face interaction with digital interaction, be it texting, email, or chatting online. Face-to-face has multiple advantages over e-interaction which avail a listener the opportunity to detect feelings in many ways online chatting does not, such as, but not excluded to: body language, eye contact, intonation of voice, inflection of voice, and posturing.
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

bèlla

❤️
Supporter
Jan 16, 2019
20,479
17,634
USA
✟933,034.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
In Relationship
They have no right to be offended if they hear something which they don't want to hear, unless it is profane.Did you ever think that they didn't want to smell that dirty laundry? If privacy is wanted it is easily facilitated.

I think we have a different idea of what constitutes friendship. If the context of your thread relates to forum comments that’s a different animal.

Why are you bothered by their reaction? Just ignore it. You are sharing an opinion. Nothing more or less. That isn’t the same as input from a trusted friend and to equate the two is wholly wrong.

You are a stranger talking to strangers. What did you expect? :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: ChicanaRose
Upvote 0

Monksailor

Adopted child of God.
Supporter
Jul 5, 2017
1,487
909
Port town on west (tan sands) shore line of MI
Visit site
✟187,996.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
Upvote 0

bèlla

❤️
Supporter
Jan 16, 2019
20,479
17,634
USA
✟933,034.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
In Relationship

Is your OP about real friendships between two people equally committed to a bond or Internet interactions with people you’ve never met and have no personal relationship with outside of the forum, social media platform, etc.?

In short, are you part of their real life or not?
 
  • Like
Reactions: ChicanaRose
Upvote 0

ChicanaRose

Well-Known Member
Mar 26, 2019
1,250
1,331
west coast
✟75,698.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
Certainly, we should validate feelings and I will make a note of that again, but I am discussing content and reasoning, such as if one were asking for advise, sharing an idea or conclusion, or a conflict that they had with another.

Are these Christian friends?

It also depends on whether you are discussing controversial issues/ grey areas, or something that is quite straightforward from the Word.
 
  • Like
Reactions: bèlla
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

Monksailor

Adopted child of God.
Supporter
Jul 5, 2017
1,487
909
Port town on west (tan sands) shore line of MI
Visit site
✟187,996.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
AND WHO IS MY FRIEND? ARE THERE DIFFERENT LEVELS FOR A CHRISTIAN?
This thread/whole forum of "Spiritual Growth" is only for Christians so I think it is pretty clear who I am addressing and this sub-forum is all about "Deeper "Fellowship." I am addressing Christian fellowship which for the most part covers the overwhelming majority of posts anywhere on this website going by their claim in the margin. But it really is not exclusive of these relationships.

Since we are Christians, we are commanded to love ALL people with Agape, God's love; the kind of unconditional love which would suffer false accusations, torture, and an unjust death penalty for an enemy. We are admonished and even commanded to emulate this form of love: "Agape-Is more of a parental, mature, sacrificial kind of love. The Thayer Lexicon describes agape beautifully when it says “to take pleasure in the thing, prize it above all other things, be unwilling to abandon it or do without it.” In a way it is as idealistic as Eros, in that it is a crazy love that will not let go. Agape loves, usually at cost to the bearer. Agape puts the beloved first and sacrifices pride, self interest and possessions for the sake of that beloved. This is the love that God has for us which inspired him to sacrifice His son and for His son to obey and sacrifice himself. It is the kind of love we are commanded to have for one another. It is a love of supreme greatness." Pasted from <Four Kinds of Love; Eros, Agape, Phileo & Storge>

So, as Christians ALL of our relationships should be more loving than most are in the world, toward anyone. What is that verse? You will know them by their love? This kind of love is the kind which will sees past the shallow engagement others have with their "friends" which only focuses upon providing positive reinforcement, validation, and "likes." It understands that true friends will provide whatever help they can in an attempt to correct, warn, caution, advise, and other things which could be negatively received and risk the friendship because they are focused on the OTHER'S welfare more than their own reputation or welfare (even risk a punch to the face.) We, as Christians, are to practice the love towards ALL described in 1 Corinthians 13. When the scribe asked Jesus, "Who is my neighbor?" in trying to qualify or differentiate "neighbors" which he was supposed to love as himself Jesus told him that it was like even a heathen enemy Jews were not even supposed to talk to or touch and were regarded as dogs by Jews stopping and helping a stranger Jew robbed, beaten, and dying on a pathway probably out of anybody's view and bringing him back to life by providing medical care, housing, and sustenance long enough for a full recovery. Jesus said, "Go and do likewise" for the Scribe's answer to who his neighbor was; even one who made you an enemy. True love will risk rejection and abuse to help another. A false friend will tell another what they want to hear instead of what they NEED to hear. They will abandon you if several others around dislike you or if a single powerful or influential person dislikes you. A true friend will not. A true friend will try to share the Gospel message with an unbeliever regardless of the consequences.

A friend is anyone for a Christian. At the same time we must guard our hearts, be innocent as doves, and shrewd as vipers. But to be able to love as we ought we have to draw upon the Holy Spirit, God within us, and seek also the wisdom He will provide. I, we, will fail in this ideal as in most endeavors to become more and more like Christ, but He is able and willing to help us and if we fail too bad, as I have, He will carry us till we can stand again. I seem to get humbled more every time I stick my neck out to help someone.
 
  • Friendly
Reactions: ChicanaRose
Upvote 0