Give "Bad" Advice (3)

Ads are innately trustworthy. It is not like they are after anything, you know. They are excellent examples of altruism.

Could you point me in the right direction?

That's got to be your wife.

How do I interpret life situations?

In the most negative way possible. If you're a pessimist, you'll never be disappointed.


Yikes, I forgot to bring my offering to church, what should I do? (Please hurry with advice, they're about to pass the plate!)

See that old lady trying to figure out what the notes she is holding are? Point at something over her shoulder so she looks and then grab the cash quick before she cottons on. Problem solved!

How to stop good things coming to an end?

Dream of having bad things instead.

How to stop sneezing?

Have someone hold a pillow firmly over your head, for at least 5 minutes.

How to win friends and influence people?

In order to win friends, you first need to be able to give them as prizes in the first place. The first step is therefore to campaign for the re-institution of Slavery.

Influencing is easier. Apparently you just make a youtube channel and speak inane blather for hours on end.

How can I get people to stop espousing illogical views in contravention of the findings of Medicine?

Heck, I never even knew it was legal to marry a viewpoint. I guess you should stand up at the wedding when the minister asks if anyone objects. If they still insist on getting married, shoot them or something.

Which accent is the most posh?

Nowadays with wealthy rappers and footballers, it is best to ghetto-up your accent, to demonstrate your wealth and status.

How can I snoop on my babysitters without losing the illusion of trust?

Build that statue of yourself you’ve always wanted, Quid. Cameras in the eyes or a month’s training in mime artistry so you can stand in in person on the odd night, and Bob’s your dad’s disreputable brother.

How to achieve the perfect balance of seasoning and natural flavour?

People are using seasoning instead of those metal weights to put on the other side of the scales now? I guess you should buy spices and salt in differing formats. What ever you do, don't buy according to net weight or you'll have to empty the spice out into the balance in order to weigh your food.

Seems like a lot of work and phaff. I'll buy you a new set of balance weights for Christmas.

How can I make new friends? My friends all are getting rather odd.

Stand on a street corner with a sign asking for non-odd friends. Works for me!

My cats keep waking me up way too early in the morning. What should I do?

send them to A-Z thread where lucypevensie will feed them along with her ravenous cat



how to stop mosquitos from getting in garage?
what gets in garage, gets in house

Open the door to your garage and let them fly in. I'm sure the only reason they got in your house before was because you wouldn't let them in, so maybe they won't find an open door challenging enough for them so they'll become bored and fly away....Yeah.

How do I train my cat to serve me breakfast every morning?

You need to get one of these cats:


How do we stay safe once robots take over the world?

Yeah, but a robot cat is not soft and furry!

We let them become our masters... maybe they will keep us as pets.

What's the best way to make fried chicken?

Um, throw a chicken on an open fire? I never was much of a cook.

I keep getting telemarketing calls. What should I do about it?

Make up your own language and talk to them only speaking to them in it or pretend you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get the telemarketer to release the hostages.

How do I turn it on again?

Stick your finger in a socket.

How do we keep this thread from going onto page two?

Have a mod close and remove all new threads so it can't have a chance to get to 2.

What can we do about overbearing power-hungry mods?