Give "Bad" Advice (3)

Start drinking 12 packs asap.

How can I rise and shine, bright and early, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed?

Transmogrification- becomes an actual fox, that is the obvious and only solution. You’ll have to deal with being a bit camp - foxes are generally pretty camp - but if you can live with that then you’re gold, or russet coloured anyway.

How do I get them genes that mean you can eat anything you want?

How are foxes camp lol? Is it the way they swish their tails?

Tom Farebrother said:

Transmogrification- becomes an actual fox, that is the obvious and only solution. You’ll have to deal with being a bit camp - foxes are generally pretty camp - but if you can live with that then you’re gold, or russet coloured anyway.

How do I get them genes that mean you can eat anything you want?

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Commit suicide asap and then be reborn as my or gennypearl's child, since we seem to have those genes.

How do I avoid lawsuits from people who didn't like the way my advice turned out?

LaSorcia said:

How are foxes camp lol? Is it the way they swish their tails?

Click to expand...

Plow a field some time and see what they look like pouncing on rodents. Supercamp. Like Lionel Blair on a day out in the country.

You can’t avoid lawsuits, just try and look cute in court.

How do I lose weight without having to work 16hr days?

Read The Truth About Pyecraft. Therein lies the secret to losing all the weight you want!

How to get children to eat food they don't like?

Only serve up food for yourself and eat it with great gusto while they stare at you with their fingers in their mouths, wondering what mommy is doing. Once you've eaten your fill you can turn to them and say 'oh, you want some food too?'

What is the perfect point at which to start raking leaves? When do you reach balance in the too few/too many conundrum?

Take high definition photos of the entire yard, working out the leaf coverage ratios. Then take 17 leaf depth guages in randomly assigned points. Put up a camera taking still photos every 10 seconds to determine the probability of leaf fall per tree. Next use the climate patterns of the last 10 years, allied with the deciduousness per degree of temperature change to work out the probability of ratio change. Now, by retroactively assigning values, repeating the process in a wild deciduous forest as control, we can work out whether the effort to rake or not to rake would be worthwhile expenditure of time and energy.

How do I minimise the amount of dishes I need to do?

You have many equally good choices. Buy disposable dishes, eat only at friends' houses or restaurants, employ a maid, eat directly out of pots, pans and oven trays.

However, your best option is to rake Tom's leaves in return for him doing the dishes for you this fall. That way you are serving each other.

Buy everything before you feel the impulse. It’s tricky, but definitely doable if you can train yourself to click the buy button while in a self-induced Jedi mind state. The fun only stops when you’ve maxed everything out, but then you can calmly explain that none of it was done impulsively.

My wife has unreasonably suggested that I should ‘just get on with’ raking the leaves as there are, apparently, ‘other things to do’, interrupting my careful calculations of the ideal leaf aggregation ratios. Is this an indication of what Freud usefully termed as ‘hysteria’?

He is very much in the minority with regards to treatment of the disease. The rest of history disagrees with him. Hysteria is caused by the flight of the uterus. It has risen up and moved within her body. It could even have raised above her lungs.

An ancient and therefore time tested remedy for this is to get your wife to bed over straddling a fire so the smoke can reach inside and at the same time she is smell herbs. This hopefully will encourage her uterus to return to its proper position.

Does anyone know the cure for over excited kids in the morning?

Opium.

How can I get people to stop misrepresenting what I say behind my back?

This one has an easy solution. Stop talking! Instead type responses which are well rounded, legally forbidding quotes unless in entirety.

Or you could just never turn your back on people.

It seems I'm giving great advice just now! How does one give bad advice?

Simple. Just keep giving your "good" advise.

I was thinking about climbing Mt. Everest... What should I wear?

You'll really want some selfies at the top to prove you climbed it, so how about a tuxedo?

How can I maximize a child's creativity?

would tell you but my post would be so long that you'd zone out reading it
oops, this sounds like an "excuse" thread answer



someone give "bad advice" to LaSorcia's question

I would, but you've already done that successfully. My advice to you is to go to bed.

How do we convince Christine that she got the job done correctly?

Why should we do that? We don't want anyone getting a big ego. No, I think we should send her to Coventry instead.


Should I pay the ransom for my cat? They want $10,000!

No way. Cat's are sneaky. He's probably written/typed that demand himself and is hoping to spend your hard earned cash on lasagne whilst your working.

Help me sleep

Count sheep. Ask Tom Farebrother to send you sheep pics to make it easier.

I'm not sure I believe this ad for instant weight loss. What do you think?