Getting over my wife's past

I'm late to the game here but in case anyone else is still reading or has similar problems . . .

First, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. That's a sadly common problem. We had some close friends married over 30 years who got divorced. She thought the marriage was great but they only had sex once a year, and even then only when she was drunk. She had let herself go and I think she was self-conscience. She also, like many wives, used sex as a means of control. That's anti-biblical. If women use sex as a reward that's more like prostitution than a biblical marriage.

If your wife is truly saved then yes, her sins are forgiven. But if she behaved that way for that long then it is fair to ask if she was saved at that time. That may be a side topic but I think other replies may have been presumptuous in assuming she really was saved. I'm not saying that to judge her, just to remind everyone of God's terms and conditions. Saying you are a Christian means nothing if you haven't really repented and believed.

That said, the larger issues to me aren't her past but her present. If she is still bringing up old boyfriends or pointing out places where she had sex with them, that's completely tone-deaf at best and creepy and mean at worst. Any decent counselor would tell her that.

And more importantly, she is doing a terrible job of being a wife, at least in the bedroom. She is the one who needs to change, not you. Yes, marriage counseling is great, but make sure you find someone who is truly Christian and believes in the biblical roles of men and women. Otherwise the counselor may reinforce your wife's bad behavior. I'd also check out a blog called Dalrock (just search for it). He does a great job of addressing issues like that.

Blessings to you!

curty said:

My wife was honest about her sexual history and I married her thinking I'd get over it but have found it so much harder than I expected.
I'm at least number 8 for her I think more like 12 and absolutely hate knowing that she's given herself completely to other men some of whom she loved with the same devotion that she loves me.
Now we're in our thirties and sex is not a high priority for her. She told me that she had sex in her teens and twenties about 4 times as often as she does with me. I think a large part of it is that she'd had sex well over 500 times before I came along. She had boyfriends since she was 12 and lost her virginity when she was 17. Sex was always an option for her and when she felt ready she did it. I on the other hand waited half my life often wondering if it would ever happen for me.
We were both raised in the church and taught premarital sex is sinful but she never really intended to wait. I'm sure given the chance I would have done it too but I didn't have the confidence to pursue relationships that she had.
Bottom line is I'm very jealous but the fact is she did it, I didn't and I hate it.
How can I get over it once and for all?

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If one has accepted Jesus they are born again ... a new creature. So, if that is the case with her, you should see her in that light ... just as she should do with you and your sin ... although perhaps not the same sin. Sin is sin ... and all have sinned.

and we are to continuously forgive each other, just as the Lord does

Ephesians 4:32

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

so ... forgive ... and if the bad thoughts return to your mind ... re-mind yourself ... you forgave her.

eleos1954 said:

If one has accepted Jesus they are born again ... a new creature. So, if that is the case with her, you should see her in that light ... just as she should do with you and your sin ... although perhaps not the same sin. Sin is sin ... and all have sinned.

and we are to continuously forgive each other, just as the Lord does

Ephesians 4:32

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

so ... forgive ... and if the bad thoughts return to your mind ... re-mind yourself ... you forgave her.

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I suppose she did sin against her future husband when she fornicated, even though they hadn't met yet. So he should forgive her if she has asked for it.

But even then doesn't that ignore the current sins of telling him about places where she fornicated and her depriving him of sex?

Eternity Matters said:

I supposed she did sin against her future husband when she fornicated, even though they hadn't met yet. So he should forgive her if she has asked for it.

But even then doesn't that ignore the current sins of telling him about places where she fornicated and her depriving him of sex?

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Only hearing one side of the story.

Uh, yes, which is why I said, "if." And if you don't take the original post at face value, how can you ever provide advice? And my first comment pointed them to quality counseling so both sides could be fully heard.

curty said:

How can I get over it once and for all?

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Only through the Blood of Jesus as a work of God in us.

joshua 1 9 said:

Only through the Blood of Jesus as a work of God in us.

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I'm new here. Of course God forgives our misdeeds as weeshould forgive each other. Yet, there is another side of the story. Suppose I had sinned, and the sin resulted in a broken leg, one that left me partly handicapped. God would forgive that sin, but my handicap would remain. This man's wife had over 500 dalliances! The problem is that those episodes, though forgiven, will NEVER leave his mind.

capitoldrive said:

God would forgive that sin, but my handicap would remain.

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If God allows a handicap to remain then He must have a plan and a purpose in that. Sometimes recover takes place over time so we need to continue to seek God for deliverance.

As a sinner we go from bad to worse. With God we go from Glory to Glory. We know we are walking with God when our life is getting better

joshua 1 9 said:

If God allows a handicap to remain then He must have a plan and a purpose in that. Sometimes recover takes place over time so we need to continue to seek God for deliverance.

As a sinner we go from bad to worse. With God we go from Glory to Glory. We know we are walking with God when our life is getting better

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I have forgiven a man who did wrong to me, but I never found out why. Yet, I have forgiven the man and we have reached a rapprochement of sorts. I bear him no ill will, but his act is not forgotten. I have a limbic system in good working order, one I might add, that the Creator put there.

capitoldrive said:

ave forgiven a man who did wrong to me,

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We are the ones to benefit when we forgive others Unforgiveness is more stressful to us then it is to them. It harms us more than them.

curty said:

My wife was honest about her sexual history and I married her thinking I'd get over it but have found it so much harder than I expected.
I'm at least number 8 for her I think more like 12 and absolutely hate knowing that she's given herself completely to other men some of whom she loved with the same devotion that she loves me.
Now we're in our thirties and sex is not a high priority for her. She told me that she had sex in her teens and twenties about 4 times as often as she does with me. I think a large part of it is that she'd had sex well over 500 times before I came along. She had boyfriends since she was 12 and lost her virginity when she was 17. Sex was always an option for her and when she felt ready she did it. I on the other hand waited half my life often wondering if it would ever happen for me.
We were both raised in the church and taught premarital sex is sinful but she never really intended to wait. I'm sure given the chance I would have done it too but I didn't have the confidence to pursue relationships that she had.
Bottom line is I'm very jealous but the fact is she did it, I didn't and I hate it.
How can I get over it once and for all?

Click to expand...

Let's stick to the bible. I find it very appauling that in a supposed "Christian" forum not one person replying utilized the bible.

Let's begin with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Now, let's take a look at the Husband's responsibility in a marriage:

1 Corinthians 11:3 -3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.

1 Colossians 3:19 - 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

1 Peter 3:7 - Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

Epehsians 5:25-33 -
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

1 Corinthians 7 - 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife. 5 Do not deprive one another, except by mutual consent and for a time, so you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again, so that Satan will not tempt you through your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

1. Your wife needs to address her sexual past with a counselor (preferably a Christian not a secular one). That's most likely the reason for the infrequency. She probably feels shame, guilt, lust for those men and that lifestyle, etc. Either way, she doesn't have a right to deprive you because she got her fill in her 20's. She wasn't acting as a Christian but a self-deceived one.

She's not acting like one now either if she is refusing you sex. No professing Christian should be refusing any spouse sex. It's in direct violation of the bible. Do you believe the bible or what the secular world tells you? It's sheer and utter ungodly selfishness.

Note: Because she lived as a self-deceived harlot she's going to need a lot of spiritual help big time! You have a long road ahead of you but you married her and need to understand what LOVE is.

2. You the husband need to get advise and help from a deacon, overseer, or pastor not a forum with a bunch of secular, nonpracticing Christians, atheists, agnostics, and the like. Darkness has nothing to offer the light. Go to the BIBLE for your answers!

Stop entertaining immoral thoughts or desires. You are not helping your marriage by dwelling on your wife's sexual past. You are inviting in doubt, lust, perversion, immorality, shame, guilt, and satan into your marriage, etc.

1 Corinthians 6:18-29 -
18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a man can commit is outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore glorify God with your body.

Put to death your earthly nature

Romans 8:13-14 -
13 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God

Colossians 3:5-8

5 Put to death, therefore, the components of your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, and greed, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming on the sons of disobedience. 7 When you lived among them, you also used to walk in these ways. 8 But now you must put aside all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.

Your wife has confessed her sins to you now it's time to love her and build her up!

James 5:6 - 6 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man has great power to prevail.

Getting over it is the only real way to move on with life. We all do stupid things. And as for her not wanting as much sex anymore now that shes older, it may seem unfair but not much one can do about it. Maybe try spicing things up though. Some people just change with age. At my age I don't really care anymore about sex. We still have it sometimes but its just not as important.

curty said:

She told me that she had sex in her teens and twenties about 4 times as often as she does with me. I think a large part of it is that she'd had sex well over 500 times before I came along. She had boyfriends since she was 12 and lost her virginity when she was 17.

Sex was always an option for her and when she felt ready she did it. I on the other hand waited half my life often wondering if it would ever happen for me.
We were both raised in the church and taught premarital sex is sinful but she never really intended to wait. I'm sure given the chance I would have done it too but I didn't have the confidence to pursue relationships that she had.
Bottom line is I'm very jealous but the fact is she did it, I didn't and I hate it.
How can I get over it once and for all?

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Well, that's painful and would have been best (probably) not shared with you.

Best the two of you talk with a Pastor.
Sounds rough, very rough.

Only God can heal some things.

M-Bob

curty said:

The hangups yes.
My wife not prioritising sex though is on her and according to a TED talk I watched recently having had plenty of sex before marriage is a major reason why her desire is significantly less than mine. She assured me she had a high sex drive and we'd be doing it all the time but that hasn't eventuated so I don't agree that she's done nothing wrong. She would never let me get away with denying her any of the fundamentals of marriage for any length of time. I don't know if there's something analogous for her but if she wants something she makes sure she gets it. I feel like a fool for accepting this for 3 years.

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I don't know; I had "plenty of sex" before I was married and my husband's desire is significantly lower than mine.
My point is, there can be lots of reasons for low (or relatively low) sexual desire, not just that one reason.

curty said:

How can I get over it once and for all?

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By getting rid of the "I".