be kind and compassionate re kids

christine40 said:

Ephesians 4:32 be kind and compassionate to one another is one of the Bible verses on our fridge and one that our preteen cites when dealing with classmates

she is kind even to those who have hurt her at school (including physically) & readily forgives

we're glad she is kind but as she gets older, want her to be able to speak up for herself

for example, this week she sat with 3 other girls in class (first come, first serve for seats)
a fourth girl came over & wanted to sit there so our child gave up her seat & then had to go sit at a table full of boys
note: this class has twice as many boys as girls so there's less chance to make friends with the girls

how do we let her keep her kindness but also encourage her to stick up for herself and not end up being taken advantage of by aggressive kids
I would have wanted her to stay at the table & the other girl sit with the boys


this happens with some teachers, also
i.e. a child was misbehaving & kept talking with our child
teacher told that child to move but she said no
so then teacher asked our child to move
(this kind of stuff happens over and over as our child is kind and not rebellious so it's easier to ask our child to move rather than troublemaker)

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I sympathize with this situation. We have had situations this reminds me about, occasionally more serious, where our child is acting christian and sometimes others are not, and it costs her some, but that's sometimes for the best, depending. Depending on the situation.

Matthew 7:12 In everything, then, do to others as you would have them do to you. For this is the essence of the Law and the Prophets.

This sometimes takes some discerning, since it's not about giving others what oneself wouldn't especially want, but instead according to just where they are at, to the extent we can sense their situation.

It's a thing were one might be able to use intuition for instance, to better gauge the situation than simply thinking 'I should always give up my seat.'

The Good Samaritan is a helpful example: he stops to help because he's needed (no one else is already doing it), and also it's to a real need.

Maybe some others can help improve on this answer, but my only thought is we need to try to sense, or ask about, the situation the other person is in. Do they need help? Sometimes, but not always. Like if the girl coming into the room is visibly distressed, or one already knows that person lacks for friends, that's part of the picture. But if that person already is doing fine generally, then there's no benefit to them to give up the seat to a peer that's doing fine without it.

What a blessing to have a child like that! My oldest daughter is similar. You didn't say how old she is, but I am seeing my 14 year old start to grow into a more confident person who is more willing to defend her boundaries while still being kind-hearted and forgiving.

We've discussed the importance of standing up for herself some, but we haven't pushed it much. She is learning.

christine40 said:

well, yes I just gave a simple example from this year

she's been physically injured almost every school year by other kids

lot of kids around here went to daycare
it's been proven to cause kids to be more aggressive
our child doesn't seem to know how to deal with the more aggressive kids
have told her to try to stay away from the troublemakers but can't always as some classes have assigned seating

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That's horrible that she's endured so much harm from others (and it's great that she is still caring and kind in spite of that)! It sounds as if you're doing a great job raising her - but the schools (and other parents) are lacking.

Am I understanding correctly.....based on the OP and the Bible verse you cited.....is she at a Christian school - and this is STILL happening where she's being slighted because of her giving nature? If that's the case (even if she's NOT at a Christian school) I think maybe talking to her teacher would be helpful - letting them know what your daughter is going through - so they can balance things out better. Being kind =/= being a door mat. That's a difficult lesson to learn even as an adult - but the teachers (and others that care for children) should not be enabling the bullies to run all over the kind children just because it makes things easier. That teaches everyone some unhealthy lessons.

christine40 said:

sadly, learned early talking with teachers is useless as teachers know best and say so!

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Do you mean that the teachers you've spoken with in the past had the attitude of basically "don't tell ME what to do - I'm a professional"? I hope not ALL teachers have that view - and I'd approach it more like "what can we do TOGETHER to ensure my child is cared for properly?". Are there other education options - because she really needs to be in an environment where teachers and administration are advocating for her (and, really, that's in the best interest for ALL the children....inlcluding the bullies).

Our daughter, when she was in the second grade, had approached her teacher about the teacher's behavior. That school, thankfully, had a written process of students being able to make appeals to the teachers (even when they were as young as kindergartners - they had the ability to approach teachers with their grievances). I think that did teach our daughter, early on, that she had some authority, but she needed to be respectful. The problem wasn't something directed towards our daughter - it was just a general lack of justice that she witnessed and she was speaking up for other students that were, as our daughter saw it, treated unfairly. Unfortunately - the action that was taken was that the teacher ignored our daughter - saying that she wasn't the one getting into trouble (I've always taught her to stand up for others when they are being mistreated) so I had to take it to the principal. I wasn't pleased with the result of that, either (our daughter was just moved to another classroom) and eventually we began home schooling.

What age is your daughter? Is she around ten or eleven? Is Montessori a possibility? From what I understand - Montessori does focus on social development.
Ages and Stages
The Montessori Middle School Program
A Paradigm Shift

From the Montessori site - the Middle School program page:
The general premise for the adolescent program is that it must bring into consciousness the moral and world view of the elementary years. Philosophical ideas related to natural history and cultural history now come into play. Great Lessons evolve into great ideas derived from a serious approach to the humanities. For example, "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" may be tied to a specific part of American history, but this ideal also has a life in the history of philosophy and literature.


Consistent with the moral relationships stressed in the elementary program, the adolescent can make great cognitive leaps while integrating ideas and values in conjunction with current events, home life, or community activities.



Service programs such as working in a soup kitchen, farming as a community venture, and apprenticeships or mentorships in the workplace are part of an advancing "going out" that gives the adolescent a combined vocational and liberal arts curriculum with a particular emphasis on economic enterprise.

This happens way too often. A Bible verse says something or other, and people hallucinate the word "always" in front of it when no such word is in the verse or implied by the context. This is absolutism, which is the worst kind of legalism.

Jesus said no pearls for swine. It's enough to be much less unkind than the world is. You don't need to be a doormat.

christine40 said:

our nephew started in Montessori but from what I understood, older kids can't just attend w/o having been in the program by a certain age

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Oh....that makes sense since it's a bit of a progression of learning (beginning from a young age). That's too bad but I understand why.

christine40 said:

oh yes, got the "I've been teaching 25 yrs speech"

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I think it's just a matter of being persistent to keep seeking out partners in your daughter's education and social development. If all you find are obstacles in one place....you may need to look for another sort of option. If I were you, I'd want educators to nurture your daughter's kind spirit....but at the same time, as you're saying....encouraging her to properly assert herself without guilt.

christine40 said:

have thought about counselling
at a parenting program few yrs ago, a speaker gave me a card for a counsellor

she said because our child is adopted, "it's not if she needs counselling but when"

not so sure ready to start that route yet

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That may be a good option - but it depends on the quality of the counselor. It's also important that she have the back up of her educators. IOW.....if she were to assert herself in the one scenario you'd given....where the teacher needed someone to move....would she have possibly have gotten in trouble? Do you see what I mean?

If teachers that are caring for her are expecting at least one child to be the "easy one".....and they continually put the burden of consequences on that one child (or a few select "easy ones") that's an unjust system. But after writing that - I guess that's typically our world, and maybe it's a lesson for ALL of us to learn how to do "right" in a system that's "wrong" and imbalanced (but that's a HUGE and complicated lesson to learn).

I don't mean this seriously (and I hope this isn't taken that I'm making light of this situation - it's tough)....but I was trying to think of short and concise sentences your daughter could hold onto to have ready for situations like when the teacher needed someone to move. I thought of how, years ago when I was in customer service, we were trained to say to clients (so they knew, right off the bat, that this wasn't going to work for them each time and probably NEVER again)...."as a one-time courtesy....I can do this for you....but please realize it's an exception to the rules". But....I can't really see your daughter saying that to a teacher (but....maybe??? ). Maybe something along the lines of what our daughter did - approaching the teacher one on one later....expressing her thoughts?? Maybe, if something like that happens again, she can speak to the teacher without other students there - saying that she's okay with helping the teacher out in order to get the class back on track, but she doesn't believe it should ALWAYS fall on her. ***I'm just sort of processing this in writing....brainstorming with you.

christine40 said:

we've practiced phrases to say to kids & have given her suggestions each year for different situations

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christine40 said:

I can give suggestions and practice with her but when she's actually in a situation, it's more difficult for her to deal

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I think it is helpful to have these certain phrases to use - they're sort of like tools to have ready when the need arises and most of us can't come up with things to say in the situations. You're being a good mom in listening to her.....taking her concerns seriously....and practicing resolutions with her.

I follow Dr. Henry Cloud on social media (the co-author of Boundaries) and today he posted this (it's all about practicing these things - they don't come naturally to most of us - and for the people that are sensitive to others....these things ARE stressful just because of their compassion and empathy). He shared this Bible verse:

Dr Cloud does have online communities for specific peer groups. If you're interested - you can maybe message them and see if the Codependency group would be appropriate for her age (with you alongside her):

Become Part of Dr. Henry Cloud's Boundaries Peer Groups