I need to either find a spouse or learn how to be at peace with being single, how do I do that?
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Yes, but there is a difference between people changing in a relationship and going into a relationship with the understanding that unless the other person changes their is no future.
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If you don’t want to consider non-Orthodox women that’s perfectly okay. If you can walk it out without complaint that’s even better.
But my experience says otherwise and numerous threads confirm this truth. People often set limitations they’re unable to handle and become frustrated, despondent, or angry about the realities of their selectiveness.
There is nothing wrong with seeking the needle if you can live with everything that comes with that approach. Few can unless they’re certain its the only option.
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If you don’t want to consider non-Orthodox women that’s perfectly okay. If you can walk it out without complaint that’s even better.
But my experience says otherwise and numerous threads confirm this truth. People often set limitations they’re unable to handle and become frustrated, despondent, or angry about the realities of their selectiveness.
There is nothing wrong with seeking the needle if you can live with everything that comes with that approach. Few can unless they’re certain its the only option.
I hear you, and there is truth in what you are saying. My personal problem is that among the non-Orthodox, there are scant few people who live a chaste lifestyle. That's a huge issue. Dating these people would mean that I would either be forced to engage in lustful activities, or I would have to end the relationship. Kneeling before the icon of Christ and confessing that sin is not something that I want to do.
And I'm not looking for a "perfect partner" either. The premarital sex issue is just a major dealbreaker for me. We live in a secular age, and most young adults are either having casual sex, dating many people, or are uninterested in marriage and kids.
Of course there are still some good seeds out there, but finding them is just as difficult as finding a single Orthodox person.
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Are you suggesting the majority of single Christians aren’t chaste? I was abstinent before I came to faith. I’ve had a long tenure of purity and I was in the world. That is an issue of personal conviction and self-respect.
No one who values their relationship with God and their temple would knowingly engage in the activities mentioned. There are some whose former sins pose greater challenges to obedience than others. But you’ll have struggles they don’t. So you’re confessing something nonetheless. ;-)
*No, I’m not advocating premarital sex or lauding chastity. It is a question of self-control. Some excel in that area more than others. It should never be a source of spiritual pride.
They exist. But as with most things if it can be convoluted and complicated that’s the approach. The simple act of getting to know someone and acknowledging your interest is turned into steps 1-3 and so on. That isn’t how most people relate.
The reason there’s so much singleness in Christian circles isn’t due to the culture or lack of interest. You’re looking for righteous sinners and narrowing the field so much there’s barely anyone left. I can’t wrap my mind around it. And for the sake of my peace I no longer try.
So, find a nice girl who shares your views on premarital sex and loves the Lord heartily.
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Are you suggesting the majority of single Christians aren’t chaste? I was abstinent before I came to faith. I’ve had a long tenure of purity and I was in the world. That is an issue of personal conviction and self-respect.
No one who values their relationship with God and their temple would knowingly engage in the activities mentioned. There are some whose former sins pose greater challenges to obedience than others. But you’ll have struggles they don’t. So you’re confessing something nonetheless. ;-)
*No, I’m not advocating premarital sex or lauding chastity. It is a question of self-control. Some excel in that area more than others. It should never be a source of spiritual pride.
They exist. But as with most things if it can be convoluted and complicated that’s the approach. The simple act of getting to know someone and acknowledging your interest is turned into steps 1-3 and so on. That isn’t how most people relate.
The reason there’s so much singleness in Christian circles isn’t due to the culture or lack of interest. You’re looking for righteous sinners and narrowing the field so much there’s barely anyone left. I can’t wrap my mind around it. And for the sake of my peace I no longer try.
So, find a nice girl who shares your views on premarital sex and loves the Lord heartily.
I think your being very optimistic about this. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that you have been in an environment where people (even non-religious) valued Chasity. However thats not the case for many of us.
I was recently at a friends party, it wasn't a wild party or anything though there was a bit of drinking. Somehow the topic of faith came up. Being orthodox I guess I'm viewed as having some sort of "exotic" faith. Anyways, a woman rather point blank ask me what my faith taught in regards to premarital sex. I casually said something along the lines of "we don't believe in having any sort of sexual relationships before marriage". Pretty much everyone in the conversation (5-8 people) were floored, the concept was completely foreign to the way they lived their life. This weren't weird people they were fairly normal average people. Everyone else in the room believed that you SHOULD have sex before you marry someone in order to make sure that your "compatible" (I disagree with that entire premise).
So I would actually disagree with you. I do not think its an issue of self control at ALL. The prevailing wisdom in American culture is that its ABNORMAL for people to wait until their are married to have sex. Ive met very self respecting women who don't see any issue with having sex before marriage. Even among Christians both men AND women place a low view on chastity. Its unfortunate but a reality. Maybe you live in a place without many Christians and so those you meet are a little more serious about their faith. I don't know.
I think thats somewhat uncharitable. Its very hard, even for worldly people, to find someone that they want to marry. Narrow that down to just regular church attending Christians and that number shrinks a LOT. Narrow it down to people who believe in what I'm going to call "Conventional" christian morality (The stuff almost all christian agreed upon prior to the last 50 years), and that number drops a LOT.
Thats a tiny dating pool, and thats before you even consider if the opposite sex singles in your area are even remotely attracted to each other, if their personalities match, and if they even like each other.
I know in my own life. I'm not looking for someone perfect. I'm looking for someone trying, earnestly trying even if they constantly fail. Someone would be willing to say "Yes, I did this wrong thing, it was sinful. I'm in the wrong and trying to do better" and earnestly mean it. We all have a past, its who we are trying to become and our conviction thats important.
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No. I was reared with a sense of propriety in my connections. I don’t keep company with people because we’re the same age or share the same beliefs. I consider their character and determine if they’re suitable companions. We need to complement one another.
You attended a party. Since you weren’t in charge of the guest list and didn’t describe it as a gathering of friends I’m not surprised by their response. They felt free to express themselves.
But their opinions are immaterial. You have taken the road less traveled and will frequently face situations where your beliefs are not in step with others. That’s a fact of your faith that will never disappear.
I’m not being optimistic about the respect accorded to me by the opposite sex or my peers. It comes down to your deportment. I don’t permit myself to be disrespected or ram my beliefs down anyone’s throat.
That conversation wouldn’t have bothered me. Their transparency provides great insight that’s useful when ministering to others. And I like to meet people where they are.
Are you pleasing man or God? You’re giving too much attention to what this one says and American culture. If its your conviction that’s enough.
I don’t believe Christians have a monopoly on morality or virtues for that matter. So I’m not undone by their failings or hypocrisy because I never expected more. I need to try the spirit before calling it good.
If that’s the crux of what you’re seeking it shouldn’t take long to find. There are many women who meet that standard. All are not young or attractive. But they love the Lord. If the latter is your primary aim I hope you cross paths soon.
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Not David
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I agree but I feel there is too much emphasis in "the culture", you have to set your goal and finding a woman who will be a complement in your marriage. What someone thinks is not relevant if you prevent fornication from happening
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gurneyhalleck1
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Honestly thinking of learning Russian myself. What is the ratio over there 4 to 1? Also if you are looking for good American Orthodox women go to big Orthodox events. Pilgrimage weekend at Hermitage of the Holy Cross usually has some very pious beautiful women. Unfortunately I was trying to become a novice at the time there so I didn't interact with any of them... If only I'd known 
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I'm not sure what your implying. 2 of my friends had birthdays in the same month so we decided to to celebrate them together. There is nothing immoral or unchristian about cooking out, having a few drinks, and spending time together. I knew probably 80% of the people there but I'm not sure what to call such a gathering other than a party, or why you think party is some dirty word. More than 10 friends getting together to celebrate something is pretty much the definition of a party.
Their opinions don't have any effect on what I beleive but my point still stands, christian virtue especally in regards to sexuality is antithetical to the culture we live in.
the conversation didn't "bother" me and I also prefer transparency on issues like that. It only bothered me in the sense that it revealed how alone I am in my beliefs.
You missing the entire point.Its not about if I'm pleasing people around me, I"m not trying to, its about the reality of not having suitable partners available to potentially date/marry.
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The host typically creates the guest list. I don’t know why you mentioned immorality. That had nothing to do with my comment. You are way off base.
If you believe you have no prospects that’s fine.
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jisaiah6113
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I am single and newly exploring the Orthodox faith after decades as a Protestant and after five years seriously exploring Catholicism, which I have now given up on.
I have spoken with an Orthodox priest and my understanding is that for single men, there are two options: marriage and children, or the monastery. This is rather liberating, coming from a person with bipolar disorder, as it greatly narrows my options in life (which contributes to my peace) and prevents years of fornication and drifting. However, this rule in Orthodoxy was most likely made in good faith for people who don't have delusional, bipolar, and psychotic disorders. I've looked into monastic life and I'm not really suited for that life because the fierce striving for God implied by monastic life would be horribly upsetting to my mental sense of balance and well being. However, marriage is also something that will be really hard for me, unless I find an understanding spouse.
I'm in a church full of single women as well (Coptic). I'm trying to just take it easy and let the Lord set the tempo. I think being too eager or frustrated just messes the whole thing up.
I like that Orthodoxy narrows the playing field, and I agree that the majority of non Orthodox Christian women can be hit or miss as far as fidelity and purity. I personally would not marry ANYONE in the Christian world unless I was convinced of their fidelity and purity beforehand. There are too many single Christian women, and I hate to sound like a jerk, but I have that luxury. Orthodox girls seem like they take care of themselves.
My problem is the opposite of yours. You desperately want to marry. I am not excited by marriage at all. The problem is that with monastic life improbable, the sacrament of marriage is the only path forward to me, unless a priest can give me a more suitable path as living in the world as a single person.
I have spoken with an Orthodox priest and my understanding is that for single men, there are two options: marriage and children, or the monastery. This is rather liberating, coming from a person with bipolar disorder, as it greatly narrows my options in life (which contributes to my peace) and prevents years of fornication and drifting. However, this rule in Orthodoxy was most likely made in good faith for people who don't have delusional, bipolar, and psychotic disorders. I've looked into monastic life and I'm not really suited for that life because the fierce striving for God implied by monastic life would be horribly upsetting to my mental sense of balance and well being. However, marriage is also something that will be really hard for me, unless I find an understanding spouse.
I'm in a church full of single women as well (Coptic). I'm trying to just take it easy and let the Lord set the tempo. I think being too eager or frustrated just messes the whole thing up.
I like that Orthodoxy narrows the playing field, and I agree that the majority of non Orthodox Christian women can be hit or miss as far as fidelity and purity. I personally would not marry ANYONE in the Christian world unless I was convinced of their fidelity and purity beforehand. There are too many single Christian women, and I hate to sound like a jerk, but I have that luxury. Orthodox girls seem like they take care of themselves.
My problem is the opposite of yours. You desperately want to marry. I am not excited by marriage at all. The problem is that with monastic life improbable, the sacrament of marriage is the only path forward to me, unless a priest can give me a more suitable path as living in the world as a single person.
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jisaiah6113
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To be clear, I'm completely at peace with being single. However, the Church isn't, at least as far as being indefinitely single, and I am also concerned about fornication since I still do have desires. I believe along with the Orthodox that these desires are meant to be fulfilled ONLY in the marriage covenant.
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jisaiah6113
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You're right. I post these issues as a matter of feeling frustrated, but when it comes to actual policy, I would never trust anyone except a priest in a confidential setting in prayer and reflection.
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