Nothing left for me, why bother with life...

NoahSK · Aug 18, 2019

I'm not saved. There's no way. I read something just now, and I can now say I am almost positive I'm not saved. Here's the link: How to Recognize True Repentance (Don Green) My repentance has almost definitely not been true. I only want to escape hell. I don't want to turn from my sins or follow God or whatever. It's all out of selfishness and wanting to escape torment. I don't feel any of this. I can't say with any certainty that I want to follow God, hate sin, I don't even know if I really love God. I feel like I don't. I feel like I love my sin more than God. That is not someone born again. Now that I see it, there's no way. I can't lament and be broken over my sin. I don't care about my sin, just the consequences. What is wrong with me? I can't change my attitude or my feelings or anything. I feel completely unable to turn to God. I don't hate sin. I can't. I'm obviously still unregenerate. I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to walk away, because it doesn't matter what I do. I'm not willing to turn from my sin. I'm not willing to leave everything for God. I still love alot of the stuff this world has to offer. I'm not willing to give all that up. Yet at the same time, I'm not willing to go to hell. I can't be. I feel torn. I don't know where to go from here. I don't hate my sin, just the consequences of it. No matter what I do, no matter how many times I pray, most matter how many times I try to convince myself and try to make myself see how awful sin is, I can't seem to fully convince myself. I don't know what to do. Where to go. Is this it then? Have I finally figured out the answer as to whether God has chosen me or not? Seems like He didn't. Seems like He passed over me, leaving me to my own desires, not transforming me. Didn't want me I guess. And I'm not as nervous as I should be. I should be wailing on the floor, begging God to help me, do anything. But no. I'm just sitting here, typing this, nothing but this unsettling, nervous feeling in my stomach. Everything I've been told is a lie. I'm not saved. Every word of encouragement, every tear of joy, of terror, of sorrow, everything. The want to sin, the joy of sinning leaving me, all of it. All of it was an illusion, fake. None of it was real. How can I ever be saved? Does God even want me? Why won't He change me? I know He's not obligated, He doesn't have to. I wish I was never born. I wish I was aborted or died in the womb or something. I can't deal with this. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. The only sorrow I have is over my own fate, how my sin affects myself. No thought at all over how my sin affects others, how it affects God. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I'm posting this. Nothing anyone says is gonna help. Nothing. No amount of words can save me. Only a change of heart that God seems unwilling to grant me. Maybe I am too far gone. Maybe there is no room for repentance in my heart. Why am I so complacent about this? Why am I not crying out in horror, begging for mercy? Why, God, why? Why do you ignore me? Why don't you change me? I've begged for salvation, for a hatred of sin, for a want to love and please you, for a longing to follow you. I've prayed for a heart change. I've cried out, over and over. Do you not hear my pleas, my wailing for mercy, for salvation? Why do you ignore me? Do you not love me? Why can't I change? Why am I not willing? Why won't you change me? I can't change myself, so I'm asking you to. But nothing happens. What am I to do? What?

Tone · Aug 18, 2019

Descend.

John 10:17
"17The reason the Father loves Me is that I lay down My life in order to take it up again."

Matthew 13
"7Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the seedlings. 8Still other seeds fell on good soil and produced a crop— a hundredfold, sixtyfold,or thirtyfold. 9He who has ears, let him hear.”

Micah 7
"7But as for me, I will look to the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. 8Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will arise; though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light."

Job 13
"14Why do I put myself at risk and take my life in my own hands? 15Though He slay me, I will hope in Him. I will still defend my ways to His face."

Jonaitis · Aug 18, 2019

There's room at the cross for you, friend.

"...whoever comes to me I will never cast out" - John 6:37

His arms are open to receive you, if you come to him with a child-like faith.

Jonaitis · Aug 18, 2019

Come, ye sinners, poor and needy,
Weak and wounded, sick and sore!
Jesus ready stands to save you,
Full of pity, love and power.
He is able, He is able, He is able,
He is willing, doubt no more!

Let not conscience let you linger,
Nor of fitness fondly dream;
All the fitness he requireth
Is to feel your need of him.
This he gives you, This he gives you, This he gives you:
'Tis the Spirit's glimmering beam.

Come ye weary, heavy laden,
Bruised and mangled by the fall;
If you tarry till you're better,
You will never come at all.
Not the righteous, Not the righteous, Not the righteous;
Sinners Jesus came to call.

Link for more

royal priest · Aug 18, 2019

Joshua 7:10-11
The Lord said to Joshua, “Get up! Why have you fallen on your face? Israel has sinned; they have transgressed my covenant that I commanded them;
Sometimes we need to repent of our repentance. Forget what lies behind you, friend, and press on in the grace of the Lord. Get off your knees, take up your sword, and do battle for your God!

Presbyterian Continuist · Aug 18, 2019

NoahSK said:
I'm not saved. There's no way. I read something just now, and I can now say I am almost positive I'm not saved. Here's the link: How to Recognize True Repentance (Don Green) My repentance has almost definitely not been true. I only want to escape hell. I don't want to turn from my sins or follow God or whatever. It's all out of selfishness and wanting to escape torment. I don't feel any of this. I can't say with any certainty that I want to follow God, hate sin, I don't even know if I really love God. I feel like I don't. I feel like I love my sin more than God. That is not someone born again. Now that I see it, there's no way. I can't lament and be broken over my sin. I don't care about my sin, just the consequences. What is wrong with me? I can't change my attitude or my feelings or anything. I feel completely unable to turn to God. I don't hate sin. I can't. I'm obviously still unregenerate. I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to walk away, because it doesn't matter what I do. I'm not willing to turn from my sin. I'm not willing to leave everything for God. I still love alot of the stuff this world has to offer. I'm not willing to give all that up. Yet at the same time, I'm not willing to go to hell. I can't be. I feel torn. I don't know where to go from here. I don't hate my sin, just the consequences of it. No matter what I do, no matter how many times I pray, most matter how many times I try to convince myself and try to make myself see how awful sin is, I can't seem to fully convince myself. I don't know what to do. Where to go. Is this it then? Have I finally figured out the answer as to whether God has chosen me or not? Seems like He didn't. Seems like He passed over me, leaving me to my own desires, not transforming me. Didn't want me I guess. And I'm not as nervous as I should be. I should be wailing on the floor, begging God to help me, do anything. But no. I'm just sitting here, typing this, nothing but this unsettling, nervous feeling in my stomach. Everything I've been told is a lie. I'm not saved. Every word of encouragement, every tear of joy, of terror, of sorrow, everything. The want to sin, the joy of sinning leaving me, all of it. All of it was an illusion, fake. None of it was real. How can I ever be saved? Does God even want me? Why won't He change me? I know He's not obligated, He doesn't have to. I wish I was never born. I wish I was aborted or died in the womb or something. I can't deal with this. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. The only sorrow I have is over my own fate, how my sin affects myself. No thought at all over how my sin affects others, how it affects God. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I'm posting this. Nothing anyone says is gonna help. Nothing. No amount of words can save me. Only a change of heart that God seems unwilling to grant me. Maybe I am too far gone. Maybe there is no room for repentance in my heart. Why am I so complacent about this? Why am I not crying out in horror, begging for mercy? Why, God, why? Why do you ignore me? Why don't you change me? I've begged for salvation, for a hatred of sin, for a want to love and please you, for a longing to follow you. I've prayed for a heart change. I've cried out, over and over. Do you not hear my pleas, my wailing for mercy, for salvation? Why do you ignore me? Do you not love me? Why can't I change? Why am I not willing? Why won't you change me? I can't change myself, so I'm asking you to. But nothing happens. What am I to do? What?

You're in a good place because you have come to the end of yourself. The following Scripture applies: "We have the sentence of death in ourselves that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead." Your only option is to fall completely on Christ for everything, and to stop trying to be something you are not.

If you have received Christ as your Saviour, you are saved, even though you don't have any assurance of it. You can plead and beg for assurance but it won't happen until the Holy Spirit gives it to you.

Also, I don't know what you are expecting. If it is some sort of emotional experience, manifestation or sense of well-being, it won't happen, because you will make the mistake of basing your faith on that instead of Christ Himself. Also, if you are basing your faith on aspects of your own repentance or performance in holiness, assurance won't come either, because you are basing your faith on your own effects to be the right kind of person that God may accept, instead of on Christ Himself.

If the Scripture says, which it does, that those who receive Christ have the right to call themselves children of God, then if you have received Christ, you are a child of God regardless of feelings of despair, doubt, etc, that you might have at present. Your salvation is based on the finished work of Christ on the cross, and on the salvation promises in God's Word, not on your present state.

What needs to happen is that you need to come to a stage where you are content with your present state, resting in Christ alone. Then you will not get in the way of what the Holy Spirit wants to do in and through you.

anna ~ grace · Aug 18, 2019

Our salvation is a journey. It's not black and white, once and done, pass, fail. With God's help we have all been saved, we are being saved, and we shall be saved.

It's a journey, friend. It's an unfolding journey. None of us is home yet.

ajcarey · Aug 18, 2019

First of all you shouldn't worry about God not choosing you (in the sense that there'd be nothing you could do about that). God chooses all who meet His conditions of repentance and faith in Christ. The Bible never speaks about God choosing individuals before the foundation of the world to heaven or hell. What God chose before the foundation of the world was His gracious and appropriate plan to send His Son to redeem sinners to Himself and restore them to His image. All who meet the conditions to partake in this plan are chosen (i.e. elect) due to their faithful identification with THE Chosen One, Jesus Christ.

You admit that love your sin and are not willing to turn from it to serve God. This is nothing new considering your previous posts. It's good at least that you're acknowledging your dire dilemma. You're in love with your sin, you don't want really want to serve God, and you're not going to be on the road to heaven until this changes. Moreover, God isn't going to change you so as to compel you to choose to give up your sin and serve Him willingly. And even further, nothing anyone can say to you can change this. So you're in big trouble, but... I still see one hope for you. The Law of God.

"The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple." (Psalm 19:7)

"29 Abraham saith unto him, They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them. 30 And he said, Nay, father Abraham: but if one went unto them from the dead, they will repent. 31 And he said unto him, If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, though one rose from the dead." (Luke 16:29-31)

Have you tried really meditating on the Law of God? I mean really carefully verse by verse meditating on it, considering it's judgments and testimonies as to the logic of righteous living before God and its insights into the true nature of sin? If that doesn't change your mind then probably nothing will. But you'd better stop crying and feeling sorry for yourself- and instead read carefully and meditate on His Law as you ask God for wisdom to persuade you to change your own mind about your love for sin and your refusal to serve God. Remember that Genesis is included in God's Law. You can start there. I recommend that if you feel you must skip ahead that you get through at least Genesis chapter 9, yet do try to read the whole book; and then go to Exodus, and especially be sure to meditate on chapters 1 to 24 and 32 to 34 there; and make sure you get all you can concentrate on in Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy as well.

Totally serious. Again, because ""The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple." (Psalm 19:7) I'm praying you'd be granted good concentration and insight as you do this.

Willie T · Aug 18, 2019

NoahSK said:
I'm not saved. There's no way. I read something just now, and I can now say I am almost positive I'm not saved. Here's the link: How to Recognize True Repentance (Don Green) My repentance has almost definitely not been true. I only want to escape hell. I don't want to turn from my sins or follow God or whatever. It's all out of selfishness and wanting to escape torment. I don't feel any of this. I can't say with any certainty that I want to follow God, hate sin, I don't even know if I really love God. I feel like I don't. I feel like I love my sin more than God. That is not someone born again. Now that I see it, there's no way. I can't lament and be broken over my sin. I don't care about my sin, just the consequences. What is wrong with me? I can't change my attitude or my feelings or anything. I feel completely unable to turn to God. I don't hate sin. I can't. I'm obviously still unregenerate. I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to walk away, because it doesn't matter what I do. I'm not willing to turn from my sin. I'm not willing to leave everything for God. I still love alot of the stuff this world has to offer. I'm not willing to give all that up. Yet at the same time, I'm not willing to go to hell. I can't be. I feel torn. I don't know where to go from here. I don't hate my sin, just the consequences of it. No matter what I do, no matter how many times I pray, most matter how many times I try to convince myself and try to make myself see how awful sin is, I can't seem to fully convince myself. I don't know what to do. Where to go. Is this it then? Have I finally figured out the answer as to whether God has chosen me or not? Seems like He didn't. Seems like He passed over me, leaving me to my own desires, not transforming me. Didn't want me I guess. And I'm not as nervous as I should be. I should be wailing on the floor, begging God to help me, do anything. But no. I'm just sitting here, typing this, nothing but this unsettling, nervous feeling in my stomach. Everything I've been told is a lie. I'm not saved. Every word of encouragement, every tear of joy, of terror, of sorrow, everything. The want to sin, the joy of sinning leaving me, all of it. All of it was an illusion, fake. None of it was real. How can I ever be saved? Does God even want me? Why won't He change me? I know He's not obligated, He doesn't have to. I wish I was never born. I wish I was aborted or died in the womb or something. I can't deal with this. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. The only sorrow I have is over my own fate, how my sin affects myself. No thought at all over how my sin affects others, how it affects God. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I'm posting this. Nothing anyone says is gonna help. Nothing. No amount of words can save me. Only a change of heart that God seems unwilling to grant me. Maybe I am too far gone. Maybe there is no room for repentance in my heart. Why am I so complacent about this? Why am I not crying out in horror, begging for mercy? Why, God, why? Why do you ignore me? Why don't you change me? I've begged for salvation, for a hatred of sin, for a want to love and please you, for a longing to follow you. I've prayed for a heart change. I've cried out, over and over. Do you not hear my pleas, my wailing for mercy, for salvation? Why do you ignore me? Do you not love me? Why can't I change? Why am I not willing? Why won't you change me? I can't change myself, so I'm asking you to. But nothing happens. What am I to do? What?

Why keep living? Because you will be just one more Jeffrey Epstein if you kill yourself. As it stands God can do anything He wants in the years He has given you. You would be surprised at how many of us first got baptized for no other reason than "Fire Insurance." I'm one. It was two years later before I felt deep repentance. But, God let me live to get there.

somuchjoy · Aug 18, 2019

Look at all this love for you. Look at these people and how they want to embrace you. This love, from complete strangers, is amazing and true. But, as much love as they, and myself give, there is a greater love-the one from our Heavenly Father. I promise you, if you go before Him in the desperate, weak, end of rope state you are in right now and put your faith in the blood of Jesus, He will reach down and you will see a love you have never known before. Lean on Him. We all have a purpose in life. If you put your faith in Christ, he will change you and you will know your purpose. Many prayers for you my friend.

Kenny'sID · Aug 18, 2019

Oscarr said:
" Your only option is to fall completely on Christ for everything, and to stop trying to be something you are not.

If you have received Christ as your Saviour, you are saved, even though you don't have any assurance of it. You can plead and beg for assurance but it won't happen until the Holy Spirit gives it to you

That is to say, don't worry about the repentance mentioned in the video/bible because that's not who you are. Fortunately you know better, Noah, as you already told us you are concerned because you aren't on the right path, meaning you believe there are actions required for our salvation . My point, be careful of wolves in sheep's clothing, they are here to lull you to sleep with an "easier" way that in the end will lead to death.

NoahSK said:
I don't want to turn from my sins or follow God or whatever. It's all out of selfishness and wanting to escape torment.

I didn't watch all the video, but why do you think repentance is not good enough, as long as you walk the walk? I mean whether you feel what you think you should or not, does it say someplace in the video, as long as we do as we should, we still are not saved because we don't feel like we are supposed to?

I'd be hard pressed to believe anyone who says they didn't start their walk with Christ out of the fear of hell, and that fact keeps them on the narrow path, even if they don't feel the love, so to speak. There is a reason God threatens us with Hell, as he knows it's the only way to get us to thinking/headed in the right direction.

I think most eventually do feel what you think we must but whether that is necessary or not, there is only one way to get there and that's by repenting and doing as God tells us. I know of no passage that says feeling we aren't right for the reasons you mention, will put us out of the race for heaven. As long as we show it in our actions, it shows we believe God, even if at present, we think we'd rather be sinning.

I've been at this awhile and there were times when I honestly felt, Id love top sit down to a few lines of coke and a one night stand, but I believed God and just didn't do it, and that was enough. Even today i do the occasional, "that looks like fun" even though it is a problem according to God, but I don't and that's what matters.

Why keep living? To give yourself the time to serve God, get it right, then receive the reward of eternal life instead of the alternative.

NoahSK · Aug 18, 2019

i dont know when this started. or why its happening like this. i used to be willing to submit to God, to do/give up whatever it takes. i had this sense of brokenness over my sins. when i first really came to God after realizing I was doing it all wrong, I cried out to Him for help. immediately, my sexual drive diminished, i quit watching inappropriate content just like that, i looked back at my repetitive unrepentant sin with horror and sadness, i couldnt believe i had been doing that while i called myself a christian. i fell back into the sin a few times, cried over how i could have returned to what God had delivered me from. in terms of wanting to serve Him, while before i would only read my Bible and pray and stuff occasionally and i didnt really focus on God, i was now on fire for Jesus and wanted to serve Him and read His Word. i wanted to go out and go on mission trips, help at church, all of this stuff. i actually wanted to go to church and youth group. i wanted to praise God, and serve Him first and foremost. that was what, eight months ago? what happened since then? i fell back into sin, all of those feelings that a christian is supposed to have went away, i fell into despair, and i began to think and act selfishly again, which i went through in greater detail above. so i dont know what happened over time. was any of the good stuff i experienced eight months ago real? what could have initiated that change in me so suddenly, if not for the Holy Spirit? and if it was the Spirit, where did it go? why do i seem to be sinking further and further back to where i was before, if not worse?

sorry for capitalization, trying to type this quickly

NoahSK · Aug 18, 2019

ive been at the end of myself too many times to count, every time begging God for help, to forgive me, to save me. dont know what's gonna change this time.

Kenny'sID · Aug 18, 2019

NoahSK said:
i dont know when this started. or why its happening like this. i used to be willing to submit to God, to do/give up whatever it takes. i had this sense of brokenness over my sins. when i first really came to God after realizing I was doing it all wrong, I cried out to Him for help. immediately, my sexual drive diminished, i quit watching inappropriate content just like that, i looked back at my repetitive unrepentant sin with horror and sadness, i couldnt believe i had been doing that while i called myself a christian. i fell back into the sin a few times, cried over how i could have returned to what God had delivered me from. in terms of wanting to serve Him, while before i would only read my Bible and pray and stuff occasionally and i didnt really focus on God, i was now on fire for Jesus and wanted to serve Him and read His Word. i wanted to go out and go on mission trips, help at church, all of this stuff. i actually wanted to go to church and youth group. i wanted to praise God, and serve Him first and foremost. that was what, eight months ago? what happened since then? i fell back into sin, all of those feelings that a christian is supposed to have went away, i fell into despair, and i began to think and act selfishly again, which i went through in greater detail above. so i dont know what happened over time. was any of the good stuff i experienced eight months ago real? what could have initiated that change in me so suddenly, if not for the Holy Spirit? and if it was the Spirit, where did it go? why do i seem to be sinking further and further back to where i was before, if not worse?

sorry for capitalization, trying to type this quickly

Clearly yours is not a problem of not knowing what to do, as I somewhat first thought.

No way the Holy Spirit convicted you, but the opposite...Satan is after your soul. You had it all right, and he couldn't stand it, and tried to confuse you into losing hope, but you won't let him, evidenced by the fact you are here attempting to get it al back. So you should do that, simply get back on the horse and do what you were doing quite well several months ago.

ajcarey · Aug 18, 2019

NoahSK said:
i dont know when this started. or why its happening like this. i used to be willing to submit to God, to do/give up whatever it takes. i had this sense of brokenness over my sins. when i first really came to God after realizing I was doing it all wrong, I cried out to Him for help. immediately, my sexual drive diminished, i quit watching inappropriate content just like that, i looked back at my repetitive unrepentant sin with horror and sadness, i couldnt believe i had been doing that while i called myself a christian. i fell back into the sin a few times, cried over how i could have returned to what God had delivered me from. in terms of wanting to serve Him, while before i would only read my Bible and pray and stuff occasionally and i didnt really focus on God, i was now on fire for Jesus and wanted to serve Him and read His Word. i wanted to go out and go on mission trips, help at church, all of this stuff. i actually wanted to go to church and youth group. i wanted to praise God, and serve Him first and foremost. that was what, eight months ago? what happened since then? i fell back into sin, all of those feelings that a christian is supposed to have went away, i fell into despair, and i began to think and act selfishly again, which i went through in greater detail above. so i dont know what happened over time. was any of the good stuff i experienced eight months ago real? what could have initiated that change in me so suddenly, if not for the Holy Spirit? and if it was the Spirit, where did it go? why do i seem to be sinking further and further back to where i was before, if not worse?

sorry for capitalization, trying to type this quickly

You've got to cooperate with the Holy Spirit, deny self, take up your cross, and choose to walk in the Truth and follow Jesus whatever you should feel. I think you are overanalyzing your previous spiritual state, as well as your current and past feelings due to a misunderstanding of salvation. You've heard preachers say that God will produce repentance in you and take away your desires to sin if God has chosen you- but that is just not how it works. God works on everyone and takes them as far as they'll cooperate with His plan and purpose of redemption. You need to choose to cooperate with Jesus' grace to bring you out of your sins and do whatever is in your power to obey to that end WHILE you call on Him simultaneously for help. Your desires won't change at all until you deny them to follow Truth and persevere in that walk for an indefinite while. Choose to do what you know you ought to do- you are truly tormenting yourself with your wavering more than you'd suffer if you just set your mind to go forward in doing what's right before God and to not love your life unto the death for the sake of Truth. That includes reading the Scriptures, praying for insight, and yielding to the Truth before your eyes. Focus on getting in line with God by doing what you know He requires and by further understanding His Law and its insights. Even if your heart still isn't right as you do this, doing this will take you in that direction; and God will honor this and give you more help to get your heart right. It is also possible, and I don't know this, but quite possibly, you have pleasure in feeling sorry for yourself and thinking you're a hopeless case. If so, this is sorrow of the world that works death and it's counterproductive to you being right with the Lord. As much as many, myself included, are happy to converse with you and help you if we can, you're probably most of the time better off doing something instead which will cause you to care for others and bear their griefs and weaknesses. At the very least it will probably distract you from your harmful thought patterns. I've had them and often bearing responsibilities for others is a great way to break these patterns.

Mari17 · Aug 19, 2019

NoahSK said:
I'm not saved. There's no way. I read something just now, and I can now say I am almost positive I'm not saved. Here's the link: How to Recognize True Repentance (Don Green) My repentance has almost definitely not been true. I only want to escape hell. I don't want to turn from my sins or follow God or whatever. It's all out of selfishness and wanting to escape torment. I don't feel any of this. I can't say with any certainty that I want to follow God, hate sin, I don't even know if I really love God. I feel like I don't. I feel like I love my sin more than God. That is not someone born again. Now that I see it, there's no way. I can't lament and be broken over my sin. I don't care about my sin, just the consequences. What is wrong with me? I can't change my attitude or my feelings or anything. I feel completely unable to turn to God. I don't hate sin. I can't. I'm obviously still unregenerate. I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to walk away, because it doesn't matter what I do. I'm not willing to turn from my sin. I'm not willing to leave everything for God. I still love alot of the stuff this world has to offer. I'm not willing to give all that up. Yet at the same time, I'm not willing to go to hell. I can't be. I feel torn. I don't know where to go from here. I don't hate my sin, just the consequences of it. No matter what I do, no matter how many times I pray, most matter how many times I try to convince myself and try to make myself see how awful sin is, I can't seem to fully convince myself. I don't know what to do. Where to go. Is this it then? Have I finally figured out the answer as to whether God has chosen me or not? Seems like He didn't. Seems like He passed over me, leaving me to my own desires, not transforming me. Didn't want me I guess. And I'm not as nervous as I should be. I should be wailing on the floor, begging God to help me, do anything. But no. I'm just sitting here, typing this, nothing but this unsettling, nervous feeling in my stomach. Everything I've been told is a lie. I'm not saved. Every word of encouragement, every tear of joy, of terror, of sorrow, everything. The want to sin, the joy of sinning leaving me, all of it. All of it was an illusion, fake. None of it was real. How can I ever be saved? Does God even want me? Why won't He change me? I know He's not obligated, He doesn't have to. I wish I was never born. I wish I was aborted or died in the womb or something. I can't deal with this. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. The only sorrow I have is over my own fate, how my sin affects myself. No thought at all over how my sin affects others, how it affects God. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I'm posting this. Nothing anyone says is gonna help. Nothing. No amount of words can save me. Only a change of heart that God seems unwilling to grant me. Maybe I am too far gone. Maybe there is no room for repentance in my heart. Why am I so complacent about this? Why am I not crying out in horror, begging for mercy? Why, God, why? Why do you ignore me? Why don't you change me? I've begged for salvation, for a hatred of sin, for a want to love and please you, for a longing to follow you. I've prayed for a heart change. I've cried out, over and over. Do you not hear my pleas, my wailing for mercy, for salvation? Why do you ignore me? Do you not love me? Why can't I change? Why am I not willing? Why won't you change me? I can't change myself, so I'm asking you to. But nothing happens. What am I to do? What?

Noah - this is OCD. You are going to be OK. Hang in there, and learn how to deal with your OCD.

Researching is NOT something you should be doing right now. It's a compulsion. It's something you're doing to try to relieve the anxiety right now, but your mind is NOT THINKING CLEARLY RIGHT NOW and it will negatively interpret everything you read. That is why you CANNOT let yourself research and ruminate about your obsessive topics right now!! It's so hard - trust me, I'm going through the same thing right now, only about a different topic. When we are obsessing - whatever the topic is - we are not thinking clearly. Please trust me when I tell you that you are feeling terrible because of your OCD and you will feel better.

Keep learning how to deal with the OCD, and KEEP PRACTICING IT. Get back to your therapist as soon as possible, and keep going regularly. If you're having trouble dealing with your obsessive thoughts, I can try to help you come up with a plan. You're going to be OK, Noah. It feels terrible, I know. OCD always tries to put us in a seemingly unsolvable bind and then convince us that it's "real." It's so hard and it feels so terrible, no matter what the obsession is. I've been there many times. But it is possible to break the OCD cycle, if you keep working at it! Do you need help coming up with some concrete steps you can do to work on your OCD?

Nothing left for me, why bother with life...

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