** CAUTION: LONG POST **
My mother, a widow, in her later years met a man, a widower, of the same age, and they became a couple for 15 years. The man wanted to keep the relationship a secret because he did not want the church people to gossip about them, since they were living together. From what I understand my mother and he never had sexual relations, but were just companions; helping each other out etc. My mother consented to the idea. As well, her friend also wanted to keep her secret in his own house from his own neighbors. He didn't want anyone to know and to gossip. So my mother was never allowed out of the house seen.
At some point with them both aging, my mother acquired a stroke and she could not longer walk without a walker. Up until this time, my mother usually drove to church on her own, and he drove on his own, too. After the stroke my mother could not longer go by herself, as she had her driver's license cancelled. For most of the 5 years minimum following, her friend regularly did not take her to church. First he did not want to be seen with her as they were still hiding the relationship, and second, he was embarrassed to take her as she was no longer beautiful and her posture had deteriorated quite badly. In the same vein this is when they stopped dancing, as well. How much this hurt my mother! She had so much sorrow.
Through all the years of their relationship I had to also participate in keeping their relationship a secret, too. Her friends, a small and close amount, would call or visit the house, and I was supposed to lie about why she wasn't here, where she was, or who she was staying with. I was my mother's caregiver on and off, and at that time she was living predominently with her friend. It came to the point for me that I didn't answer the door and I didn't answer the calls because I did not want to lie for them. As a result of this 'arrangement' my mother lost a tremendous amount of her connection to the church and to her friends. It was her choice.
I remember one incident perfectly when one day my mom did call up one of the friends that had left a message. She didn't have much time to spend before she was to go back to her friend's house again. Anyhow, I remember hearing my mom lamenting sorrowfully about how she couldn't go to church; that she had nobody would drive her; that she couldn't get there alone etc.. I remember the friend naturally feeling so sorry for her (although not offering a ride) asking why I couldn't do it, and my mom said that I was too busy, or that I hadn't given her the message. It was after then that I had a serious conversation with my mom about how this was affecting me, and how I won't let her use me helping to keep her secrecy.
As her passing away last week, and funeral reception yesterday, I had two of her closest friends come up to me and say how sad it was she never called them back. One was crying and one was obviously very upset. They looked to me to blame. I could see it in their eyes of accusation. I did not say anything because although I saw this was coming, I was still a bit shocked, as the Pastor reassured me with 100% enthusiasm that *everybody* in the church knew and it wasn't a secret at all. But when I talked to this one friend of my mothers who stated that nobody every answered the door.. I told her outright that my mom was not home, as she was living with her friend. She was perhaps my mother's best friend for several years, and I know her, and she knew about my mom and her friend. So I am not sure why she looked so blank when I said that my mom was living with her friend. I felt more open to say that only only because she did know (she went out with them as 2 couples all the time) and also the Pastor had reassured me there was no secret.
I cannot forget these ladies faces, and them knowing I was the one who prevented their friendships with my mom. I feel a need to resolve this issue, and for them to understand what really happened. Since my mother's friend is still living, and since it was his will, shouldn't he be the one to talk to them? Since he is still living perhaps he can make them feel a bit better that it wasn't about them. I think though my mom in the end knew how much it hurt her, it wasn't like she didn't know earlier, but things turned more sour between her and her friend in the last year and she started to resent him and was bitter at his very controlling ways (ie. he never allowed her to buy the food she wanted even though she paid with her own money).
My problem is that I feel like I am taking responsibility for something that is not mine to carry and i am looking for a resolution. There could be several options of different natures I can take, and I have them in my mind, but instead of listing them, maybe I can ask anyone who wants to respond, what they think I should do. I'm looking for a healthy solution. Whatever the solution, I will pray for forgiveness all around, and to be able to move on from here.
My mother, a widow, in her later years met a man, a widower, of the same age, and they became a couple for 15 years. The man wanted to keep the relationship a secret because he did not want the church people to gossip about them, since they were living together. From what I understand my mother and he never had sexual relations, but were just companions; helping each other out etc. My mother consented to the idea. As well, her friend also wanted to keep her secret in his own house from his own neighbors. He didn't want anyone to know and to gossip. So my mother was never allowed out of the house seen.
At some point with them both aging, my mother acquired a stroke and she could not longer walk without a walker. Up until this time, my mother usually drove to church on her own, and he drove on his own, too. After the stroke my mother could not longer go by herself, as she had her driver's license cancelled. For most of the 5 years minimum following, her friend regularly did not take her to church. First he did not want to be seen with her as they were still hiding the relationship, and second, he was embarrassed to take her as she was no longer beautiful and her posture had deteriorated quite badly. In the same vein this is when they stopped dancing, as well. How much this hurt my mother! She had so much sorrow.
Through all the years of their relationship I had to also participate in keeping their relationship a secret, too. Her friends, a small and close amount, would call or visit the house, and I was supposed to lie about why she wasn't here, where she was, or who she was staying with. I was my mother's caregiver on and off, and at that time she was living predominently with her friend. It came to the point for me that I didn't answer the door and I didn't answer the calls because I did not want to lie for them. As a result of this 'arrangement' my mother lost a tremendous amount of her connection to the church and to her friends. It was her choice.
I remember one incident perfectly when one day my mom did call up one of the friends that had left a message. She didn't have much time to spend before she was to go back to her friend's house again. Anyhow, I remember hearing my mom lamenting sorrowfully about how she couldn't go to church; that she had nobody would drive her; that she couldn't get there alone etc.. I remember the friend naturally feeling so sorry for her (although not offering a ride) asking why I couldn't do it, and my mom said that I was too busy, or that I hadn't given her the message. It was after then that I had a serious conversation with my mom about how this was affecting me, and how I won't let her use me helping to keep her secrecy.
As her passing away last week, and funeral reception yesterday, I had two of her closest friends come up to me and say how sad it was she never called them back. One was crying and one was obviously very upset. They looked to me to blame. I could see it in their eyes of accusation. I did not say anything because although I saw this was coming, I was still a bit shocked, as the Pastor reassured me with 100% enthusiasm that *everybody* in the church knew and it wasn't a secret at all. But when I talked to this one friend of my mothers who stated that nobody every answered the door.. I told her outright that my mom was not home, as she was living with her friend. She was perhaps my mother's best friend for several years, and I know her, and she knew about my mom and her friend. So I am not sure why she looked so blank when I said that my mom was living with her friend. I felt more open to say that only only because she did know (she went out with them as 2 couples all the time) and also the Pastor had reassured me there was no secret.
I cannot forget these ladies faces, and them knowing I was the one who prevented their friendships with my mom. I feel a need to resolve this issue, and for them to understand what really happened. Since my mother's friend is still living, and since it was his will, shouldn't he be the one to talk to them? Since he is still living perhaps he can make them feel a bit better that it wasn't about them. I think though my mom in the end knew how much it hurt her, it wasn't like she didn't know earlier, but things turned more sour between her and her friend in the last year and she started to resent him and was bitter at his very controlling ways (ie. he never allowed her to buy the food she wanted even though she paid with her own money).
My problem is that I feel like I am taking responsibility for something that is not mine to carry and i am looking for a resolution. There could be several options of different natures I can take, and I have them in my mind, but instead of listing them, maybe I can ask anyone who wants to respond, what they think I should do. I'm looking for a healthy solution. Whatever the solution, I will pray for forgiveness all around, and to be able to move on from here.
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