The Hug

Snoder said:

That was completely unprofessional and inappropriate to the situation. Does this guy belong to any kind of denomination or have any kind of degree that is accredited? His actions demonstrate a serious lack of training and education. You don't initiate hugs, especially if you don't know them. You especially don't do it to someone that is crying.

The appropriate and professional response would be to sit and listen. He should have been non-responsive (if you said something shocking, he doesn't react) and sitting, listening, and asking you questions only when necessarily. He should avoid the urge to 'comfort' you by words, but especially by actions and especially by a sneak hug. What he did showed that he had NO IDEA what he was doing.

Your reaction was absolutely justified. That's not my opinion. Those are basic pastoral skills that are shared among all denominations and Christians traditions that are professionally trained.

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Thank you so much for your words of wisdom, they help tremendously.

St_Worm2 said:

You'd be surprised. I've been blown away by people who had no idea that they'd said something to me that I found highly offensive.

You need to do what you feel comfortable doing, of course, but I think the thing that God wants us Christians to be are His peacemakers .. Matthew 5:9. Reconciling with someone who has hurt us and then restoring our relationship with them is rarely pleasant, but just sweeping the existing problem(s) under the carpet is worse, because it 1. does nothing (at best) or 2. creates further/lasting harm! Though it can seem difficult, painful, or even frightening at first, trusting God and choosing to do the right thing/choosing to do His will for us in Christ, always seems to work out to be the best thing to do, at least in the end anyway

As Pastor Sinclair Ferguson says, "be obedient, even when you do not know where obedience may lead you."

And if something like this ever happens to you again (with this pastor or with someone else), I'd recommend telling them that they have made you feel uncomfortable on the spot! That way you get it all out in the open and taken care of immediately.

Yikes .. for you AND for him/his ministry too! Next time you meet, I'd make sure that someone is going to be there, even if that means taking a friend or family member along with you (if there is going to be a next time, that is).

--David

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Thank you. I totally agree that I should have said something on the spot. If only I could have. After my mother's death I've had so much overwhelming stress and 2 months ago my pet died suddenly. There's more I'll spare you from. In any case, I have been not my usual self. I have been feeling extremely vulnerable and childlike during my grief. Of course it doesn't help that I am 'other centred' which means I am a great advocate for others, but a lousy one for myself. One of my weaknesses, I am learning to grow up in, and become a more balanced healthy person. I have actually changed quite a bit in the last 2 years, but there are always experiences that show me I still need to grow.

Incidentally, yesterday at the Reception I barely saw the Pastor at all. Being the one grieving the death, I was approached by most of the people there, so I was kept busy. We ate, too. The Pastor left a short while later, and we shook hands and I told him how wonderful the Service was -- which it was. So there was no opportunity to tell him about it, and most likely now I will never see him again.

joshua 1 9 said:

You have to take into consideration how much training the pastor has. A lot of independent churches the pastor only has two years of school. Main line denominations the pastor has to have a college degree before they can go to seminary. The irony is the guy with a 2 year degree often preaches a better sermon. The pastors in the main line denominations has a lot more training and is a LOT more qualified to council people. Either way pastors are a good deal because they do not charge you any money. If you go to a secular person they often want at least $100 and they are often stressed out dealing with people problems. Hopefully the pastor is able to pray and get recharged from God so they can better do their job.

If your going to go to a pastor for counseling that only has an associate degree then expect that is the level of council your going to get. If this person has an advanced degree and is a part of a main line denomination then you should tell him that you feel what he did was inappropriate.

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Thank you that is very valuable and interesting to know this! Since I can't answer any of your questions about the Pastor I saw, the only thing I can say is that I did not go to him for counselling. I went to him to do the arrangements for the funeral and have him do the service. There were many things to talk about. Within that context I started crying because of a serious situation I deemed had happened connected to my mother's death. So he really didn't know what it was until after 'the infamous hug' when I told him about it.

renniks said:

Well, as a man, I can tell you that a woman, especially a younger woman crying is like a puzzle with no good solution to us. Should I stand here and wait for her to finish? Should I put a hand on her shoulder? Give a quick hug? Should I stand on the other side of the desk and lob tissues at her? I was at a funeral for a teenage boy and one of his female friends was sitting by me and she started crying uncontrollably. I finally put my arm around her and kind of rubbed her back until they ushered us out. I hope it was taken as it was meant, as fatherly comfort and not as some old creep touching her without her permission!

If we don't reach out and try to comfort, we are insensitive, and if we do, we are perverts, apparently. Just trying to give you the view from my angle.[/QUOT

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I have no doubt you are a good man as you express yourself. I had a man yesterday at the reception after the funeral, whom I don't know, touch me on the top of my shoulder. He was was talking to me face to face, and then he came over to my side and gently touched me on the top of my shoulder. He did it twice. It felt really nice in that it was respectful, and I could see and feel his compassion. I don't think that we have to do much to show people we care.. Even a handshake and a compassionate face means a lot. I had a few of those yesterday. I think a hug is both a physical and emotional connection. It helps to determine a situation.. whether it is safe and whether we want to participate in it. When the man who I was talking to came to put his hand on the top of my shoulder, I was relaxed and accepted and received it. I trusted his character and his actions. This was missing from my experience when the strange Pastor, all of a sudden touched/grabbed me from behind while sitting in a chair, blinded by my own tears and the tissue. I was completely involved at that moment in my emotions and perhaps this let my guard down even more so. I also didn't see his face, his expression, as well as not seeing it coming. I think that 'the hug' was completely abnormal and rare and the whole way it was presented along with the other stuff, made it clearly a fail.