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Struggling with unforgiveness

ChicanaRose

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Struggling to forgive a couple of people. Forgiveness is relatively easy when it is momentary (rude strangers, disagreements at the meeting, etc.) But not so much so when you have a history with the person/ people.
 

Halbhh

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ChicanaRose

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Hi @ChicanaRose, have these people who you are struggling to forgive repented and asked for your forgiveness?

Thanks!

--David

One of them has not. Another one pretended to be sorry without any real change.

Fake apology is far more frustrating than an outright refusal to apologize.
 
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anna ~ grace

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Struggling to forgive a couple of people. Forgiveness is relatively easy when it is momentary (rude strangers, disagreements at the meeting, etc.) But not so much so when you have a history with the person/ people.
Prayers! What has helped me is praying for that person. Asking Christ to have mercy on them, and on me, a sinner. That helps keep me humbler, and less angry.
 
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Halbhh

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Struggling to forgive a couple of people. Forgiveness is relatively easy when it is momentary (rude strangers, disagreements at the meeting, etc.) But not so much so when you have a history with the person/ people.

Let me add also that I cannot easily forgive accumulated wrongs if I'm focused on the wrongs as my main focus. But if I'm focused on Christ as my main focus, and how He has forgiven me of so much more.....then my heart can forgive them, because like me they are someone human that has done wrong and needs Him desperately, just like me. My heart softeners when I realize that they are like me, desperately needing Him, and utterly dependent on Grace in the end, if there is to be any hope for them at all.

And it helps me to pray the Lord's prayer in Mathew chapter 6!!

And I've needed at least twice to pray for special help, past that, which help was given.
 
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Tone

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Struggling to forgive a couple of people. Forgiveness is relatively easy when it is momentary (rude strangers, disagreements at the meeting, etc.) But not so much so when you have a history with the person/ people.


I've learned a long time ago, to pray for those who I have hard feelings toward...I pray that they be saved if they aren't and I speak life and love into their lives. Yah bless.

*I also ask myself if I would want them to burn in hell forever and I wonder what caused them to do whatever they did to me.
 
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anna ~ grace

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From the article above;

Can we forgive a person who doesn’t think he’s done wrong and we think he has, or if he doesn’t ask for any forgiveness? The answer is we can and we must. We must do our part in the forgiveness. This is what Jesus meant, I think, when he said, “Love your enemies . . . bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you” (Luke 6:27–28). They are still our enemies when we do that. They have not asked for any forgiveness, and they don’t think they need any, making life miserable for us — and they think they ought to. We are to bless them, and that blessing means that our part of the inward forgiveness has happened. The opposite of forgiveness is holding a grudge, but blessing is the opposite of holding a grudge, and so blessing is a kind of forgiving.

+++

Helpful! Sometimes the forgiveness is interior. We may never get to reconcile with that person face to face. In certain cases, this might be impossible, or extremely unsafe. But we can cultivate a merciful, humble, loving attitude in our hearts. In many cases, this will not be automatic. Forgiving things like a humongous breach of trust, someone beating you up, abuse, adultery, or sexual assault can be a very painful and upsetting process which can take years. Feelings of hurt or anger can still bubble to the surface. We have to meet them with prayer.
 
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thecolorsblend

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Struggling to forgive a couple of people. Forgiveness is relatively easy when it is momentary (rude strangers, disagreements at the meeting, etc.) But not so much so when you have a history with the person/ people.
Forgiveness is only possible (or necessary) in instances where actual harm occurred. People often say they forgive somebody when no real harm was ever done. Well, yeah, anybody can "forgive" that.

But when somebody hurts you to the bone, that is where forgiveness comes in. And it isn't easy.

The good news though is that forgiveness and restoration are not the same thing. If someone has inflicted true and lasting damage upon you, it won't be easy but you need to forgive them. You need it. Because otherwise, you're left boiling away in your anger. And usually, when we're hurt by others, it's something they don't ever think about. They inflict pain on others and then move on like nothing happened. Stewing in your own anger, though, only hurts you. It won't be easy.

But just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to accept them as though nothing happened. Sometimes, restoration just isn't possible. But restoration is different from forgiveness. You should forgive because it's the right thing to do.

But that doesn't mean you have to pretend like the other person never hurt you. And that's okay.
 
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Rescued One

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This helped me:

Ephesians 4:31-32
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Matthew 18
...32 Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: 33 Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? 34 And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. 35 So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

And I pray for the offender.
 
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Peter J Barban

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The best way to overcome unforgiveness is to view it as a bad habit.
I have overcome unforgiveness by countering it with good habits.

Practice
1. Whenever you think of the person you have a problem with - bless them.
2. Don't pray that they change or even dwell on their problems. Instead, ask God to give them good things; either good things that you know they want or good things that you yourself want.

Theory
Your mind cannot accept two opposite ideas at the same time. While you can't control your feelings directly, you can control your words and actions. So, if you continue to bless the person you "hate"/cannot forgive, your feelings will eventually soften and you will love that person.

Example
Your cousin is an NFL head coach and he gave your little brother tickets to a game and let his family go to the sidelines to watch the players warm-up. But when you asked for tickets, he didn't even return your message. (Maybe you should have consoled him after his wife died.) Now, every time you see his name in the paper, you feel bitter and can't let go of your feelings even when you try.

So, to reach a point of true forgiveness, every time you think of your cousin, you say, "God, bless my cousin." Also, at least once a day and usually more, you petition God to help your cousin be prosperous and successful; in favor with God and men.

Even if your cousin never changes, you will change and be able to forgive him fully from your heart. And whenever unforgiveness, pops up again, you just follow the holy habit of blessing your enemies.
 
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Tolworth John

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Struggling to forgive a couple of people. Forgiveness is relatively easy when it is momentary (rude strangers, disagreements at the meeting, etc.) But not so much so when you have a history with the person/ people.

If they claim to be Christian then Luke 17 applies:-
“If your brother or sister" sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. 4 Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”
I would suggest if they repeated offend against you two things. to talk with your pastor about there repeated actions. To avoid them, sit elsewhere in church, smile and say hello when you meet but don't stop.

Lastly pray for them. That they will realise how hurtful there actionsre. That they will change and that you will know Gods peace about this situation.
 
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ChicanaRose

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To avoid them, sit elsewhere in church, smile and say hello when you meet but don't stop.

Lastly pray for them. That they will realise how hurtful there actionsre. That they will change and that you will know Gods peace about this situation.

Thank you. I think it's very important to avoid triggers.
 
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Gigi LeBlanc

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Forgiveness can be such a difficult thing especially when you've been hurt by someone that is close. Over the years I've struggled with forgiveness- knowing that Scripture tells us that we should forgive as Christ has forgiven us- but, the harder I would try to forgive the more difficult it seemed to become. After much soul-searching and prayer, I finally came to understand forgiveness isn't saying that it's Ok what that person has done rather, it's about releasing YOURSELF from a prison of sort. When you choose to forgive you are in essence releasing bitterness from your heart and turning it completely over to God. Apologies never need to be exchanged as God will deal with the offender(s) in the right way in the right time. Best thing you can do is turn it over to God and pray for the person that has hurt you. Who knows, one day they just might seek forgiveness for their own healing and you will be in the right place to extend much needed grace. Praying for you- that you will have the strength to extend forgiveness to others.
 
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Brenda Blakely

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Struggling to forgive a couple of people. Forgiveness is relatively easy when it is momentary (rude strangers, disagreements at the meeting, etc.) But not so much so when you have a history with the person/ people.
You are caring such a heavy load when you walk daily with unforgiveness. My heart goes out to you. It seems as if you have much pain and hurt that has brought you this burden of difficulty in forgiving. Only God can take care of the hurt and pain when you give it to Him, but you can with His help, forgive. I know for me, when I was able with God's help to forgive my Mom and Dad for the dysfunction in my childhood, I felt a million pounds lighter and I could walk without the hinderance. It was not easy, but with God's help, my act of forgiveness set me free from the burden I was carrying. I am so grateful. Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget, it doesn't mean you trust where untrustworthyness has been shown, but when you forgive you are able to release that person from an obligation. You are no longer the one who will punish them for what they have done, it goes into God's hands. They may not be able or want to ask for forgiveness but that's ok, with God's help you can be in charge and forgive them anyway. Forgiveness gives you control over what was done and releases you to be free to move on. I am praying for you as you work thru this. I am praying for release from your burden and freedom in all that God has planned for you. Blessings dear one, God loves you
 
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Peter J Barban

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You are caring such a heavy load when you walk daily with unforgiveness. My heart goes out to you. It seems as if you have much pain and hurt that has brought you this burden of difficulty in forgiving. Only God can take care of the hurt and pain when you give it to Him, but you can with His help, forgive. I know for me, when I was able with God's help to forgive my Mom and Dad for the dysfunction in my childhood, I felt a million pounds lighter and I could walk without the hinderance. It was not easy, but with God's help, my act of forgiveness set me free from the burden I was carrying. I am so grateful. Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget, it doesn't mean you trust where untrustworthyness has been shown, but when you forgive you are able to release that person from an obligation. You are no longer the one who will punish them for what they have done, it goes into God's hands. They may not be able or want to ask for forgiveness but that's ok, with God's help you can be in charge and forgive them anyway. Forgiveness gives you control over what was done and releases you to be free to move on. I am praying for you as you work thru this. I am praying for release from your burden and freedom in all that God has planned for you. Blessings dear one, God loves you

"You are no longer the one who will punish them for what they have done, it goes into God's hands" That is really important to me. It can be very difficult to give up my perceived right to punish. Once I can get through that, the rest of the forgiveness process is much easier.
 
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Struggling to forgive a couple of people. Forgiveness is relatively easy when it is momentary (rude strangers, disagreements at the meeting, etc.) But not so much so when you have a history with the person/ people.
I also have bitterness and unforgiveness in my heart. I do not want relationship with the person until they ask for forgiveness, but I still need to forgive them in my heart. I also have bitterness toward men in general that I need to let go. I choose to let it go. I empathize with you because it's not easy.
 
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alive2Christ

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Struggling to forgive a couple of people. Forgiveness is relatively easy when it is momentary (rude strangers, disagreements at the meeting, etc.) But not so much so when you have a history with the person/ people.
I started school at 4 years 9months old. The usual age was at least 5years old. I was bullied right from the start because my older brother had mild learning difficulties. There was one boy in particular in my class, who did most of the bullying right throughout my school years to 15 years old. Bullying doesn’t stop when you leave school either.
I was left with what I referred to as “the anger that never goes away”. It was more of a rage, which bubbled up to the surface too often. With this anger came a root of bitterness that was all consuming. It was impossible to get rid of. Trying just defeated me and I slumped back into it, justifying myself and by so doing, poured petrol on the fire. I told myself I didn’t deserve any of it so it’s justified.
one day, I was thinking about him and thought “He’s a sinner and so am I. I found myself forgiving him even without seeing him or asking him to apologise. Before that, even the slightest hint of a discussion on TV etc. would trigger me and I’d go into a long aggressive tirade of swearing rage and the most horrific thoughts of revenge. After I forgave him from my heart, the rage and the very deep root of bitterness that had lasted for 45years, melted away. It used to terrify me, the thought that I’d never be free of the bitter rage. I even told my wife that I feared being on my death bed, throwing whatever I could get my hands on, at anyone within range, including my poor long suffering wife while ranting and raging like a mad man. That fear has been shattered I’m very glad to say. Satan tells us that we are justified in our bitterness and so he pours petrol on an already raging fire. It is a lie To keep you under.
 
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Rescued One

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One of them has not. Another one pretended to be sorry without any real change.

Fake apology is far more frustrating than an outright refusal to apologize.
People are not perfect. That is a fact and by not forgiving them, doesn't make them better people, does it.? Staying angry isn't healthy. Holding onto grudges accomplishes what?

Have you ever prayed the Lord's Prayer? Why do we ask for forgiveness? Are we so good that we've earned it?

Matthew 6:12
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

Ephesians 4:32
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Matthew 18:33
Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’

Romans 12:18
If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

We can't get through life without pain. Jesus didn't either, but He helps us with our burdens. I should know. I'm in my seventies. i am/was the only Christian out of my mother's six children. Neither of my parents was a Christian. My mother had 3 husbands. She had zero successful marriages. She moved at least once a year. We changed schools frequently. Some school years we went to 3 different schools. It was hard. But for me, I learned to rely on God; He gave me hope. I pray that you will have hope

1 Peter 5:7
“Throw all your anxiety onto him, because he cares about you.”
 
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