Forgiveness and generosity difficulties

Lending money to buy alcohol to your father is not at all fine but if he needs it for rehabilitation for coming out of his drinking habits is good. He should respect your earnings & debts you owe to people & not just ruin your whole life. My prayers to you & hope things would improve in the future. God bless you!

MaryMadeleine said:

Hi all!

So this is the first of many questions I may probably post as I have recently found my faith!

The issues I am having relate mostly to my father and I was reading a post below regarding toxic family which made a lot of sense.
My dad has never been abusive in the sense of physically or mentally which is why I have conflicting feelings about what I should do. He isn't a good person in nature. He drinks a lot to excess, is too possessive in relationships (to the extent that police have been involved) and quite controlling by nature.
My mother was my everything and died two years ago. She had told me never to lend my dad money and never really to trust him.
Since my mother's death he has been in contact almost everyday but often asks me to lend him money. This is sometimes outright for alcohol and other times due to spending too much on alcohol that he needs it for shopping etc.
I have always lent it to him in the past but am now starting to feel resentment as he left my mother in a lot of debt and didn't contribute to her funeral costs which I am continuing to pay alone. (They were divorced I might add).

I know in the Christian faith that you are supposed to honor your mother and father and to a certain point, I do. I also know you are meant to forgive and be generous where possible. However, the feelings of resentment stem back to the fact that if and when my father passes on, I am going to be struggling financially in the same way I was when my mother died and I feel he needs to be an adult and save money for the future.

I have prayed and asked for advice and in my heart I feel I should always lend him the money but at the same time I feel anger.

Could anyone please advise?

Many thanks and God bless.

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Honouring your mother and father does not mean you should pay for his bad habits.
He has made bad choices in life, and needs to take the consequences for that. Forgiveness is based on repentance, if he isn't honestly interested in a change of heart and lifestyle, you have no obligation to fund his errors.

It is important that you get this decision straight in your heart before God, if not, your father will always make you feel guilty for his bad.

Your father shouldn't expect anything from you. You're the child not the parent! I am a recovered alcoholic, am chronically ill and live on benefits but I don't expect anything from my son. I'm grateful that he has forgiven me for my addictions and bad choices and also that I have some contact with him. It's not his obligation to help me financially, he has his own life to lead. I have funeral insurance so that he won't be left with any bills to pay when I pass on.
It's hard because your dad is still addicted, you don't have to keep contact with him if he doesn't get sober. I've limited contact with my dad to sending cards because he is extremely unpleasant (also an alcoholic) and mean. I'm not a fan of calling anyone I don't like toxic and banishing them because I don't think that's what Jesus was all about but sometimes we have to practice discernment? I forgive him and I don't disrespect him. Honour your parents by living a good life as a new creature in Christ.

MaryMadeleine said:

Hi all!

So this is the first of many questions I may probably post as I have recently found my faith!

The issues I am having relate mostly to my father and I was reading a post below regarding toxic family which made a lot of sense.
My dad has never been abusive in the sense of physically or mentally which is why I have conflicting feelings about what I should do. He isn't a good person in nature. He drinks a lot to excess, is too possessive in relationships (to the extent that police have been involved) and quite controlling by nature.
My mother was my everything and died two years ago. She had told me never to lend my dad money and never really to trust him.
Since my mother's death he has been in contact almost everyday but often asks me to lend him money. This is sometimes outright for alcohol and other times due to spending too much on alcohol that he needs it for shopping etc.
I have always lent it to him in the past but am now starting to feel resentment as he left my mother in a lot of debt and didn't contribute to her funeral costs which I am continuing to pay alone. (They were divorced I might add).

I know in the Christian faith that you are supposed to honor your mother and father and to a certain point, I do. I also know you are meant to forgive and be generous where possible. However, the feelings of resentment stem back to the fact that if and when my father passes on, I am going to be struggling financially in the same way I was when my mother died and I feel he needs to be an adult and save money for the future.

I have prayed and asked for advice and in my heart I feel I should always lend him the money but at the same time I feel anger.

Could anyone please advise?

Many thanks and God bless.

Click to expand...

Hello MaryMadeleine,

Reading about what you been thru really saddens me. I am an advocate for fatherhood and it breaks my heart to see what is playing out.

I pray that the Lord use me to give you insight into your situation. So you will know what you have to do.

We deal with pain and insecurity in my different ways. One of them is using a vise to escape the darkness in our own minds and hearts. The problem is the soul is never satisfied and the void within our souls becomes a black hole. A healthy emotional person loves and produces, but a person with a broken spirit is a black hole consuming all that is around it.

A man's spirit will endure sickness,
but a crushed spirit who can bear?
-Proverbs 18:14 ESV

Realistically this is something only God in His will can only save them. We can't make a person deal with their pain and insecurity, that has to come to a place where they recognize what a monster they become. Typically the start of humility is in the gutter, the lowest place they can be in.

The prodigal son (Bible Gateway passage: Luke 15:11-32 - English Standard Version) didn't want to wait for his father to be dead to get his inheritance, he wanted it now. In his foolishness, he landed all the way into the worse place a Jew could be in. He was trying to steal food from pigs to survive. Finally, something snapped in his soul, he no longer thought himself worthy to be a son, but a slave to his Father. The father took him back, note what he said

"It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found." -Luke 15:32 ESV

Here you see where he gone from 'dead' to 'alive'. This is what we want to see happen with your father.

Your mother was speaking wisdom to you when she said "She had told me never to lend my dad money and never really to trust him.". In his current state he is a danger to himself and those around him. She didn't want you to fall into the same trap as she did. Thinking she can help him by feeding the monster within him. Let me explain.

There is a difference from being there at the right place and at the right time to help your father that glorifies our living God, verses us trying to 'be God' and try to rescue our love ones. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to surrender our love one's to God, let him do the work that is nessessary to save our love ones. Otherwise you become an "enabler", you are propting up the problem instead of letting the foolishness reveal where it leads.

Add more later.