The Hug
- Thread starter Persis
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- Jul 1, 2013
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No, I don't want to be hugged that way. Honestly, I think people are way too touchy-feely these days. If you ask me, people should keep their hands to themselves.
Having said that, my opinion isn't the only valid one. Some people see no harm in hugging others. I choose to interpret their actions as well-meaning. It's off-putting but it's still well-meaning. So when someone moves in for a hug on me, if I can't stiff-arm them then I just ask them not to hug me.
I wasn't in the room when you got your unwanted hug. And I have no way to know if the pastor was trying to be weird with you or if he was just trying to make you feel better. Either way, I think the wisest policy would be to assume the best of his motivations but politely ask him to not hug you because you're not comfortable with that.
Hopefully that will be the end of it and then you won't have to be bothered with this in the future.
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Yes I agree with your statement only because I am not a hugger. I am introverted and private, and perhaps those that love to hug are more extraverted. For me, I am only really comfortable with those that are close and special to me. Then the hug means something. It should feel intimate because it is. I've known a certain person for a long long time.. and they always avoided me in parties. They never talked to me like forever! Well on a couple occasions, they came up to me and hugged me while saying goodbye. It was just so wierd. I gave them a limp hug because i didn't want to reciprocate. It was very off putting. In any case, they are an extravert, my brother told me a few weeks ago.
I thank you for the suggestions, and I feel in alignment with them. I also want to desperately think that the Pastors actions were totally on the up and up and that he wanted to console me. To be honest I have creeped out feelings of distrust, but I dont want to hold onto them as it will be harder to get through the funeral service.Every word he says I want to focus on my Mother and I dont want to think about him at all.
So I give him the benefit of the doubt for my own wellbeing. What has helped me so much about posting about this incident is that I no longer feel like I did something wrong by my reaction to his hug.. that I dont have to be embarrassed and that part has totally lifted. It's such a relief ! I feel like my confidence and dignity have returned.
I will be wise around him during the reception and if he makes a move I will tell him I will stiff-arm him in front of everyone. hehehe Seriously, I hope this doesnt happen !
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- Jan 28, 2002
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Hi Persis, yes, he's your counselor (and pastor?), and your brother in Christ .. cf Matthew 18:15-17.
He needs to know how his hug made you feel because he may have no idea how uncomfortable it made you if you don't tell him! Chances are it was completely innocent and truly meant to be a comfort to you, but for your sake AND his sake (and perhaps for the sake of others he counsels in the future), you need to tell him so that you can get past this, one way or the other.
That said, Billy Graham is just one of the many pastors I know who NEVER counseled women in his office alone/with his office door shut (his discreet secretary was there doing her work in the adjoining office, always in earshot of his counseling sessions with women). Perhaps you should have your pastor's secretary do the same thing?
Praying for you!
--David
p.s. - though you should talk to him alone about this (if possible) when you tell him how you felt about his hug, I think I would make sure that someone is sitting just outside his office door, both for your comfort and feeling of security, and for his sake too.
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I think he did know how it made me feel, by me pushing him away with such vigor. hehe I think he both saw and felt I was super angry, and not wanting his touch at that moment. I think I made it very clear to the point that I felt so embarrassed afterwards, wondering what he was thinking about me. I was thinking that he maybe thought i was a crazy person. However, the more I thought it about it afterwards, I realized that he did wrong and not me, and it just got stronger as the days went by. Validation on this forum was what I needed to process the whole situation correctly. I appreciate your response, and you are right. If I see any chance or opening where it feels right to approach him about it, I will tell him in a respectful and matter of fact way. I just want to make sure that I don't tell him because I still feel bad and I am defending myself, because at this point I come to, I don't feel I owe him any explanation. Only he does. I suppose if I need more clarity on the issue to really know the truth for my own wellbeing, especially in that he can tell me that he meant no harm, then I will gladly do it. It just may turn out though that he dismisses me and looks shocked, at which point I dont know if that would just be more damaging to me. It's really a hard call.
You are so right, he should have had his secretary at least near by. We were all alone in the office building as far as I know.
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- Aug 20, 2012
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This is the type of thing that makes a pastor's job so difficult. He should be given the benefit of the doubt.
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It is almost like me going into a lawyer's office because my hubby wants a divorce, I am crying, and here I am trying to get representation. The lawyer offered his services for free and a trip to Fiji with him for two weeks. I was offended and ripped a piece of whoop ass and left. I can total relate to the unexpected unwanted encounters from the opposite sex. I do not care about his official authority, it is still unacceptable. I would be avoiding him if I were you. Nothing said or done will undo what he did.
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renniks
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This thread is confusing. If someone did not deliberately touch you in a private part of your body, what in the world is the big deal? I'm an introvert. I'm usually not a hugger, but some people just are. If he didn't mean to do anything wrong, why would you burden him with it?
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Strange way to hug someone i would say. I can definitely see how it would upset you.
Maybe thats the way he hugs people but best to be careful and safe when around him.
As a puppy, i always get people trying to hug me!! Total strangers too! Thats where my sharp teeth come in handy!
God bless and protect you
Maybe thats the way he hugs people but best to be careful and safe when around him.
As a puppy, i always get people trying to hug me!! Total strangers too! Thats where my sharp teeth come in handy!
God bless and protect you
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Did that really happen to you? If so, I am deeply sorry... that's just horrible.. Thank you for your advice. It is true that many cases we cannot change a person or make them see something that they refuse to see. in my case, it may not be worth it as I will never see him again after the service.
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Thank you, I like the way you answered this post. It was very clever, cute and point well taken!Strange way to hug someone i would say. I can definitely see how it would upset you.
Maybe thats the way he hugs people but best to be careful and safe when around him.
As a puppy, i always get people trying to hug me!! Total strangers too! Thats where my sharp teeth come in handy!
God bless and protect you
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Okay thanks. You are respectful and I believe you, so what can I say other than I think it's great that you would have been fine about it, but you are not in the consensus of people that have replied back to me nor what comes up when searching on the subject.
Would it be correct for me to assume then that you would not have reacted like I did, and perhaps enjoyed and welcomed the hug from the back which was not only totally unexpected from a stranger, but just totally wierd? Do you not think it was wierd especially from a Pastor? How many hugs have you received from the back while you were sitting in a chair having no clue it was coming?(I was dabbing my eyes with the tissue he gave me so I was even more blind). Do you not believe that people have a right and a choice to personal space? Do you not believe in respect of others and how others are different? Is this only for places like workplaces? Remember that although he did not touch any private parts of mine, it was because I fought him off. Since he was going for that area, was I supposed to curb my instinct and wait until he did touch me, for me to find it offensive? Foremost it was a reaction out of shock. I was startled. Would you not have been startled? I did not know him from Adam, and there was no one else there. I'd really like to know your point of view, and am genuinely and sincerely curious how you would have handled it? This is very interesting to me. Thanks.
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- Aug 3, 2014
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Considering you said you had an incident and didn’t expect this hug, nor see it coming from behind - which of course is very strange indeed - your reaction was just. However, since he didn’t know about the situation and just saw you visibly upset, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, but keeping distance at the same time which scripture says: Matthew 10:16.
His actions were strange, but I cannot judge him as I do not know his heart like God does. The best thing I could suggest is give this whole thing to God and allow Him to counsel you.
I pray for healing in the name of Jesus Christ.
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Thankyou Swan. All I was looking for was validation that what he did was strange, and that my reactions to it, were not strange but valid, and that you gave me, too. Thank you for your advice, your wisdom and for your prayers. I receive them with much thanks.Considering you said you had an incident and didn’t expect this hug, nor see it coming from behind - which of course is very strange indeed - your reaction was just. However, since he didn’t know about the situation and just saw you visibly upset, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, but keeping distance at the same time which scripture says: Matthew 10:16.
His actions were strange, but I cannot judge him as I do not know his heart like God does. The best thing I could suggest is give this whole thing to God and allow Him to counsel you.
I pray for healing in the name of Jesus Christ.
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