Isn't this forum widows AND widowers?

There are men and women posting...nobody is keeping men from post...so if there are more women related posts, it is because there are more women posting.

Oh, I get what you are saying.

I have seen both. I think many older widows are more helpless when their husband's die. I know my aunt had not driven a car in years...her husband had almost all the driving after he retired. I also know that many men do not share the finances with their wives so they don't know which bills are due, where the money is, etc....

Men on the other hand tend to have different issues...and tend to be lonelier because often their primary social circle was their wife...while the women still have their weekly club meetings (knitting, exercise, scrapbooking, etc).

Then there is the difference between the young widows/widowers and the older ones. The younger one are often taking care of children while grieving. I know I have helped men figure out how to braid their daughter's hair and fold fitted sheets on a widow/widower's forum...and the men taught us women how to winterize our lawnmowers and start the stupid gas grill.

I think if the advice is too general, sometimes, it isn't of much use but you are right, they often do neglect the fact men lose spouses too. But statistics also show that men remarry at a significantly higher rate than women and pretty quickly too.

What are the hardest parts of being a widower for you? I think, for me, it has been the lost of the affirming presence of my spouse. There is very little in this world I can't figure out or find someone else to do it for me. But I miss knowing that at the end of the day, there is someone there who loves me regardless of how successful I was or if I fell flat on my face. Someone who loved the pieces of me that others don't seem to understand.

That and the money....it is hard to raise kids who lost a parent and face losing a lifestyle because of it. Life has kicked them enough without now having to tell them things like that they can no longer be on the swim team after 6 years because it is too expensive now.

(never mind)

bill5 said:

I think you missed my point - I'm not asking why are there more women posting. The focus is mostly on widows in general and all the suffering widows go through, even though most if not all of it applies to widowers as well. Just because it's a widow posting it doesn't change that. For ex. "oh how should a widoow handle their finances..." I think the avg woman today is no more or less capable of doing so than the avg man. So why talk about only widows handling that? Why not both?

I guess I'm just saying or asking that people keep both genders in mind as most if not all issues regarding the loss of a spouse or partner apply to both.

Click to expand...

Your point is not lost on me. It hurts equally for both sexes when they lose their spouses. I will keep you in my prayers.

Thanks, first of all for adding me. I am hoping to find some form of redirection here. I've found that being out of the church family for years, there's no help coming from them for me. I've been to the greifshare program offered by my local church. It seems narrative driven. I think what I'm looking for is a conversation. In my nine months of loss recovery, I've been isolated by friends and family. They care, from a distance. And then there's the feeling that I'm having a pity party.
I have a problem... When I divorced from my first wife and now having lost my recent wife, not the first person from my home church EVER contacted me. Not one! So, as I know I'm responsible for isolating myself (my late wife and myself were both of the same hermit mindset), I ask, where is this outpouring of love concern or affection? I don't understand?! I believe God has allowed this to happen for His purpose. But I'm having a hard time accepting that His people are doing His will when I have had such a problem finding brotherly comfort after my great loss! Help?

Hi and welcome to Christian Forums.

There are plenty of kind souls here who you can hang out with and find fellowship.

As a side note, when I have visited Baptist churches in the past, I was always asked to stand up during the service when they asked who was a visitor today!

I remember being asked to fill out a visitor card and more than one person came over to ask me if I had accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior.

People at every Baptist church I ever visited always made me feel warm and welcomed, and checked up on me. Saving souls was serious business and I will never forget that love and hospitality.

Especially in the South where I have lived, smack dab in the bible belt.

Try calling them and asking to speak with the pastor.

Be proactive and take action to help yourself in real life as well as here on this website.

@Arnold Parker

Check out these sub forums to get started:

Baptists

Prayer Wall

Daily Devotionals

https://www.christianforums.com/forums/ask-a-chaplain.792/

@Arnold Parker , pray for the Holy spirit to come, read the book of Acts and be inspired to take action in your life, by the power of the Spirit!

joymercy said:

Hi and welcome to Christian Forums.

There are plenty of kind souls here who you can hang out with and find fellowship.

As a side note, when I have visited Baptist churches in the past, I was always asked to stand up during the service when they asked who was a visitor today!

I remember being asked to fill out a visitor card and more than one person came over to ask me if I had accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior.

People at every Baptist church I ever visited always made me feel warm and welcomed, and checked up on me. Saving souls was serious business and I will never forget that love and hospitality.

Especially in the South where I have lived, smack dab in the bible belt.

Try calling them and asking to speak with the pastor.

Be proactive and take action to help yourself in real life as well as here on this website.

Click to expand...

Yep. Did that. Proactive is exactly what I was. And this response is like the one I got back then. "I could do more". Because I was proactive, I found griefshare. I had trouble getting a reply from the moderator if that group as to dates and times. So I directly emailed him... TWICE! And this came after my conversation with a church about grief counselling. The man I spoke to was a minister and he was dumbfounded about a grief counselling program. So when you suggest I should do more..... yep, did it. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be at the point I'm at. So tell me again how the church looks out for people who seek help from the church?????

Dear Arnold,

I feel your pain and anger, and you are heard.

Here on CF, we are the body of Christ and are here for you.

Remember, where ever 2 or more are gathered, He is there ....

@Arnold Parker

Check out these sub forums to get started:

Baptists

Prayer Wall

Daily Devotionals

https://www.christianforums.com/forums/ask-a-chaplain.792/

Please take a look around as we have tons of forums to help you out with your pain and struggle with your loss.

Arnold Parker said:

Thanks, first of all for adding me. I am hoping to find some form of redirection here. I've found that being out of the church family for years, there's no help coming from them for me. I've been to the greifshare program offered by my local church. It seems narrative driven. I think what I'm looking for is a conversation. In my nine months of loss recovery, I've been isolated by friends and family. They care, from a distance. And then there's the feeling that I'm having a pity party.
I have a problem... When I divorced from my first wife and now having lost my recent wife, not the first person from my home church EVER contacted me. Not one! So, as I know I'm responsible for isolating myself (my late wife and myself were both of the same hermit mindset), I ask, where is this outpouring of love concern or affection? I don't understand?! I believe God has allowed this to happen for His purpose. But I'm having a hard time accepting that His people are doing His will when I have had such a problem finding brotherly comfort after my great loss! Help?

Click to expand...

Hi Arnold. I'm so sorry for your loss and all that you are suffering through. The forums that Joymercy mentioned will hopefully offer some support at this most difficult and heart-wrenching time. Praying for you Arnold.

Welcome to CF. (((hug)))

Hello Arnold,

I'm not a widow or a widower, so I have no personal experience. I just know that things would be difficult. I really don't know what I would do if I lost my wife. You will be in my prayers. May God give you peace and comfort during this difficult time.

Edited to Add: I know that I would go to God first and pray for the leading and guiding of the Holy Spirit. I believe in the power of prayer, so I would also ask for my friends to pray for me.

Hello Arnold
When we are going through grief or sadness of any kind, it is very easy to feel alone in a big crowd. Sometimes we feel that God is too big or too distant to know how we truly feel. I used to find it difficult to understand how someone who we describe as our Father, could have such strong emotional feelings and affection towards us. Yet, as Isaiah 66:13 states "As one whom his mother comforteth, so will I comfort you". In the same way a mother rushes to embrace, hold and soothe the child that is hurting, God longs to draw close to you, wrapping you in His tender love.
I hope and pray you will find fellowship with people, both here on the forums, and in your local community who will be able to help and support you in your time of grief.
With every blessing.

Hi Arnold. JoyMercy added me to this thread, and I just read through it. What a shame that many churches do not minister as they should. I will be reading Nehemiah 8 during the Bible study I will be teaching at the church tomorrow, and it speaks of how the Word was publicly read for hours, for some seven days, and that the people were attentive. We have gotten into the routine of a lot of music, a lot of stories and non-biblical preaching, and very little time of really getting into the Word of God in our churches today. Your experience of lack of concern about you by the church is related to this. The Word changes lives so that people are more compassionate, and the lack of The Word leaves many unchanged. It is what it is, and we can rightfully criticize and find fault, but that doesn't solve the problem or help us as an individual. God and His Word is still there for you as an individual in spite of the shortcomings of the local churches around you. We are to continue to go to the best church we can find, but not put ourselves in dependence upon it to meet our needs. God will use the church if the church is willing and obedient, but if it is not God will minister to you as you just lean more heavily upon spending time with Him in His Word. We may be almost isolated within a prison cell or a church auditorium filled with people. Either way, God doesn't leave us alone. He Himself is there for us and will show Himself sufficient. It is not our spouse that can truly meet all of our deepest needs, nor the church, or a lot of other things that could be listed. These things can actually distract us from God. Going into widowhood can show us where we are weak and need to start a proper intake of the right spiritual diet and the right spiritual exercise. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10; Habakkuk 3:15; 2 Timothy 2:1; Isaiah 41:13. The beginning of the strengthening process you need is not easy. It can be painful at first, but in time and in consistent application you grow in strength and confidence. It takes time and patience, and the right focus. Isaiah 26:3. Father, I pray that You will guide, coach, motivate, teach, train, and bring Arnold to the place that You would have him reach in his relationship to You, providing the people in his life that can assist, as well as the understanding of how to proceed where no people are being of any help. Amen.

When my husband died, my new widow friends that I found online said to "write in pencil in your address book, because your friends then would be very different that your friends now". It was truth. I am not sure why it tends to happen that way. I think that some of it is that we simply are not the same person after that kind of experience and our old friends can't ever see us as the person we have become.

The church fails in because its members can't understand this kind of grief until those members experience it so they just "don't get it". I know I barely had the energy to face each day...being proactive was such a hard thing. I did find a very active widow/er group online that was my lifeline. Unfortunately it crashed years ago and it wasn't rebuilt. Griefshare met a need of finding a social group that understood to some extent but also left a lot more needs unmet.

I have no answers for how to find support and fellowship after the death of a spouse. I cling to a small group of my widow forum group that found each other after our great crash...but that group isn't very active anymore. We still come from time to time to share a victory or a sorrow. I have only met one person on that group but I consider them some of my closest friends because we have shared so much that is private and intimate about our lives over the years.

I hope that God guides you to your special support group where you can be open and real. The rest of the world thinks our grief has an expiration date but over the past years, I only see that I carry the grief more privately. Living my life no longer knocks the wind out of me, but my husband is still greatly missed on a very regular basis.