Showing Favoritism

Introverted1293 · Aug 8, 2019

I have two nephews and a niece that I am constantly around. I have babysat them and I am always at their house so that I do work that my dad did. My mom and dad were raising them. But my dad died on July 1st due to lung cancer. It took him pretty quick. He died two months after being diagnosed. So, now it is left up to my mom and my big sister to raise them. My big sister is not their mom.

Anyways, the two boys (Ben and Dylan) do not get along at all. And even Samantha, my niece, who is a little nicer to Ben then his brother Dylan is still gets annoyed with him. And she is constantly telling him to go away. But she can be nice to him. Well, Samantha and Dylan (the older brother) are really close. They are constantly playing with each other and leaving him out. This kind of makes me feel sad for Ben. Ben is the one that is being left out. Dylan and Samantha are always trying to get Ben in trouble, and sometimes my mom and sister fall for it. When my dad was alive, he always stood up for Ben, but now I feel like no one stands up for him any more.

I am slowly starting to get angry in the way that Ben is being treated. Well, I guess it is not slowly because I am angry. Ben likes to come and visit me in the guess room when I am there and I let him. But then my other nephew and niece wants to visit me in my room as well. This is usually after I work and I want to rest. But when they visit me, they start fighting. Not physically, but you know what I mean.

Sometimes I feel like treating my nephew and niece the way they treat Ben. I got temptations to tell them go away and don't talk to me. This is extremely immature and childish. But it hurts to see them treating Ben the way that they do.

I also sometimes feel like treating Ben with so much favoritism that it hurts the other kids. I hate this part of me, but I was treated the same way growing up. I was treated like dirt. And so it hurts to see other kids doing the same thing to another kid.

What show I do really? What is the right thing to do? I know that treating my niece and nephew like dirt is not the right thing to do. So, how do I handle this maturely?

-Sasha- · Aug 8, 2019

I've been in a somewhat similar situation where two older siblings tend to leave out the younger one. Usually when they try to do this while I'm watching them, I'll tell them that if they dont want to include everyone then I will go play with the youngest and they can play by themselves. It usually ends up that they'll choose to include him. I like this approach because then you are giving them the choice rather than just showing favoritism to the little one, and it gets them used to including him. And at times that they decide they don't want him there, then you can go do something fun with him so he's not being ignored, and if the other two change their minds they can come join in.

-Sasha- · Aug 8, 2019

Also, make your room a designated "no fighting zone". Anyone who starts a fight has to leave until they can be nice. Be consistent, even if it's your favorite who starts the fight!

Introverted1293 · Aug 8, 2019

-Sasha- said:
Also, make your room a designated "no fighting zone". Anyone who starts a fight has to leave until they can be nice. Be consistent, even if it's your favorite who starts the fight!

That's a good idea. Thank you @-Sasha-

Joined2krist · Aug 8, 2019

You should correct them whenever you can. They are still learning new things and you can help direct them and change their attitude towards Ben. Perhaps Ben is rough? teach him some self restraint. Children are still teachable unlike adults, you can also lead them to Christ if they aren't yet born again. God bless

eleos1954 · Aug 8, 2019

Introverted1293 said:
I have two nephews and a niece that I am constantly around. I have babysat them and I am always at their house so that I do work that my dad did. My mom and dad were raising them. But my dad died on July 1st due to lung cancer. It took him pretty quick. He died two months after being diagnosed. So, now it is left up to my mom and my big sister to raise them. My big sister is not their mom.

Anyways, the two boys (Ben and Dylan) do not get along at all. And even Samantha, my niece, who is a little nicer to Ben then his brother Dylan is still gets annoyed with him. And she is constantly telling him to go away. But she can be nice to him. Well, Samantha and Dylan (the older brother) are really close. They are constantly playing with each other and leaving him out. This kind of makes me feel sad for Ben. Ben is the one that is being left out. Dylan and Samantha are always trying to get Ben in trouble, and sometimes my mom and sister fall for it. When my dad was alive, he always stood up for Ben, but now I feel like no one stands up for him any more.

I am slowly starting to get angry in the way that Ben is being treated. Well, I guess it is not slowly because I am angry. Ben likes to come and visit me in the guess room when I am there and I let him. But then my other nephew and niece wants to visit me in my room as well. This is usually after I work and I want to rest. But when they visit me, they start fighting. Not physically, but you know what I mean.

Sometimes I feel like treating my nephew and niece the way they treat Ben. I got temptations to tell them go away and don't talk to me. This is extremely immature and childish. But it hurts to see them treating Ben the way that they do.

I also sometimes feel like treating Ben with so much favoritism that it hurts the other kids. I hate this part of me, but I was treated the same way growing up. I was treated like dirt. And so it hurts to see other kids doing the same thing to another kid.

What show I do really? What is the right thing to do? I know that treating my niece and nephew like dirt is not the right thing to do. So, how do I handle this maturely?

Start teaching them about the Lord. Pray with them about being a kinder person. Maybe not in graphic detail ... talk about how you felt when you were a kid and these types of things happen to you. Talk to them about kindness, why it's important.

Maybe get some good children's books (age appropriate) about being kind ... and them and you (or an adult) read all of them/talk about them ... try to look for books and/or activities that promote kindness.

The catch is tho ... an adult will have to be involved with them.

Introverted1293 · Aug 8, 2019

Joined2krist said:
You should correct them whenever you can. They are still learning new things and you can help direct them and change their attitude towards Ben. Perhaps Ben is rough? teach him some self restraint. Children are still teachable unlike adults, you can also lead them to Christ if they aren't yet born again. God bless

Thank you very much.

Introverted1293 · Aug 8, 2019

eleos1954 said:
Start teaching them about the Lord. Pray with them about being a kinder person. Maybe not in graphic detail ... talk about how you felt when you were a kid and these types of things happen to you. Talk to them about kindness, why it's important.

Maybe get some good children's books (age appropriate) about being kind ... and them and you (or an adult) read all of them/talk about them ... try to look for books and/or activities that promote kindness.

The catch is tho ... an adult will have to be involved with them.

Very good idea

Thank you very much

eleos1954 · Aug 8, 2019

Introverted1293 said:
Very good idea

Thank you very much

Another thing you could so ... is go to a design it yourself T-shirt place ... and make them each a T-shirt with something like ... "be kind" or "always be kind" (something like that) and have them wear it often ;o)

They just need to become more mindful of it.

Introverted1293 · Aug 8, 2019

eleos1954 said:
Another thing you could so ... is go to a design it yourself T-shirt place ... and make them each a T-shirt with something like ... "be kind" or "always be kind" (something like that) and have them wear it often ;o)

They just need to become more mindful of it.

Thank you very much. That is something to think about. We do have a store that designs t-shirts. And you can make it any way you want.

Rescued One · Aug 8, 2019

I know exactly what you are talking about! Someone was very cruel to me when I was a kid. Some of it made me lack self confidence; but the good thing about it was that I learned kindness because I knew I hated being put down. My younger brother and I are close.

My favorite verse:

Ephesians 4
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

I collect quotes and objects with kindness quotes.

One time I kept three of our grandchildren for several days. I wracked my brain ahead of time for things to keep them occupied. I would say, "Now it's time to read a book, now it's time to...." It worked really well. There wasn't a single fight.

LoricaLady · Aug 8, 2019

Seems like some great suggestions above. The way it looks from here, you are in more of a position of "power" and "authority" than you realize. Your mom needs you to help with the kids! Take control.

Make rules in a firm and kind and fair way and enforce them. Words don't necessarily have much impact on kids, especially if they have been allowed to behave in wrong ways for some time. However if they see there will be consequences for bad behavior, consistently, and see that you aren't going to back down, they will start to catch on.

Let's talk behavior modification. It works! Charts on a fridge can be very helpful. Next to a child's name there can be put pluses, stars, stickers or whatever for good behavior. Naughty behavior can be dealt with by minuses, sort of like a move in a game that shifts the child back from the goal/reward. Once they get to a certain forward point, due to good behavior, then they have earned their reward. Each child can have his or her own chart. It's something tangible that makes things clear for them. I have worked with this system (as have many) with a young nephew and kids at school. It works.

Inside, also, those kids do have a conscience and know what they are doing wrong. The Bible says everyone has a conscience. It is also quite possible that they would actually like an adult to intervene and help them act right. That was true for me more than once when I was a kid, and when I got away with stuff with no consequences I definitely felt let down.

What rewards for good behavior? Good question, but they have to really want it and they may tell you themselves what that is. What do they want that you have? Your time. Your attention. Maybe even some loose change. Maybe more. You can promise that if they are good you will play with them for one idea. Most kids, anyway, like it when an adult plays with them and acts silly or does "pretend."

Maybe some folk here will give you some more ideas on rewards. Probably there is something on the net or in the library. Maybe ask a librarian.

This is actually a great opportunity for you, yourself. You can help some children, in your own family. You can bond with them on a deeper level in ways that can last a life time.

I pray you will be given wisdom and help.

Also, it does not seem your mom is listening to you. She has been under a lot of stress, of course. Nevertheless I would stick to my guns with her and gently tell her that if she wants you to help with the kids, you have to be able to set rules that make them behave and treat others well. Then stick to what you have said. If she won't let you enforce good behavior, just tell her, "Sorry, I can't watch the kids until I can make sure they behave. Let me know when that will be, mom."

Introverted1293 · Aug 8, 2019

LoricaLady said:
Seems like some great suggestions above. The way it looks from here, you are in more of a position of "power" and "authority" than you realize. Your mom needs you to help with the kids! Take control.

Make rules in a firm and kind and fair way and enforce them. Words don't necessarily have much impact on kids, especially if they have been allowed to behave in wrong ways for some time. However if they see there will be consequences for bad behavior, consistently, and see that you aren't going to back down, they will start to catch on.

Let's talk behavior modification. It works! Charts on a fridge can be very helpful. Next to a child's name there can be put pluses, stars, stickers or whatever for good behavior. Naughty behavior can be dealt with by minuses, sort of like a move in a game that shifts the child back from the goal/reward. Once they get to a certain forward point, due to good behavior, then they have earned their reward. Each child can have his or her own chart. It's something tangible that makes things clear for them. I have worked with this system (as have many) with a young nephew and kids at school. It works.

Inside, also, those kids do have a conscience and know what they are doing wrong. The Bible says everyone has a conscience. It is also quite possible that they would actually like an adult to intervene and help them act right. That was true for me more than once when I was a kid, and when I got away with stuff with no consequences I definitely felt let down.

What rewards for good behavior? Good question, but they have to really want it and they may tell you themselves what that is. What do they want that you have? Your time. Your attention. Maybe even some loose change. Maybe more. You can promise that if they are good you will play with them for one idea. Most kids, anyway, like it when an adult plays with them and acts silly or does "pretend."

Maybe some folk here will give you some more ideas on rewards. Probably there is something on the net or in the library. Maybe ask a librarian.

This is actually a great opportunity for you, yourself. You can help some children, in your own family. You can bond with them on a deeper level in ways that can last a life time.

I pray you will be given wisdom and help.

Also, it does not seem your mom is listening to you. She has been under a lot of stress, of course. Nevertheless I would stick to my guns with her and gently tell her that if she wants you to help with the kids, you have to be able to set rules that make them behave and treat others well. Then stick to what you have said. If she won't let you enforce good behavior, just tell her, "Sorry, I can't watch the kids until I can make sure they behave. Let me know when that will be, mom."

Thank you very much

That is helpful. I will try that.

Introverted1293 · Aug 8, 2019

Phoebe Ann said:
I know exactly what you are talking about! Someone was very cruel to me when I was a kid. Some of it made me lack self confidence; but the good thing about it was that I learned kindness because I knew I hated being put down. My younger brother and I are close.

My favorite verse:

Ephesians 4
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

I collect quotes and objects with kindness quotes.

One time I kept three of our grandchildren for several days. I wracked my brain ahead of time for things to keep them occupied. I would say, "Now it's time to read a book, now it's time to...." It worked really well. There wasn't a single fight.

Thank you

Keep the children busy is always good. I will try that as well.

LoricaLady · Aug 8, 2019

P.S. Just saw the post above about t shirts. Seems to me anyway, those could be great rewards, for some long term good behavior, with some less impressive rewards for in between times of good behavior til you reach that long term goal.

I just remembered that I used a T shirt as a reward for a very unruly student years ago. It really helped! He wanted his name on it. Maybe your little family members would like to design their own shirts somehow, too.

thecolorsblend · Aug 8, 2019

Introverted1293 said:
I have two nephews and a niece that I am constantly around. I have babysat them and I am always at their house so that I do work that my dad did. My mom and dad were raising them. But my dad died on July 1st due to lung cancer. It took him pretty quick. He died two months after being diagnosed. So, now it is left up to my mom and my big sister to raise them. My big sister is not their mom.

Anyways, the two boys (Ben and Dylan) do not get along at all. And even Samantha, my niece, who is a little nicer to Ben then his brother Dylan is still gets annoyed with him. And she is constantly telling him to go away. But she can be nice to him. Well, Samantha and Dylan (the older brother) are really close. They are constantly playing with each other and leaving him out. This kind of makes me feel sad for Ben. Ben is the one that is being left out. Dylan and Samantha are always trying to get Ben in trouble, and sometimes my mom and sister fall for it. When my dad was alive, he always stood up for Ben, but now I feel like no one stands up for him any more.

I am slowly starting to get angry in the way that Ben is being treated. Well, I guess it is not slowly because I am angry. Ben likes to come and visit me in the guess room when I am there and I let him. But then my other nephew and niece wants to visit me in my room as well. This is usually after I work and I want to rest. But when they visit me, they start fighting. Not physically, but you know what I mean.

Sometimes I feel like treating my nephew and niece the way they treat Ben. I got temptations to tell them go away and don't talk to me. This is extremely immature and childish. But it hurts to see them treating Ben the way that they do.

I also sometimes feel like treating Ben with so much favoritism that it hurts the other kids. I hate this part of me, but I was treated the same way growing up. I was treated like dirt. And so it hurts to see other kids doing the same thing to another kid.

What show I do really? What is the right thing to do? I know that treating my niece and nephew like dirt is not the right thing to do. So, how do I handle this maturely?

There's a knee jerk temptation to say that the children should be treated equally. Meaning, "the same".

However, no two children are the same. So treating them the same is self-defeating. Rather, try to give each child what they need, as best you can evaluate their needs.

If you fear that you're favoring one over another, watch the signs. Children say a lot with their actions. If you see any damage unintentionally done, try to remedy it and then avoid that behavior in the future.

Good luck!

Introverted1293 · Aug 8, 2019

LoricaLady said:
P.S. Just saw the post above about t shirts. Seems to me anyway, those could be great rewards, for some long term good behavior, with some less impressive rewards for in between times of good behavior til you reach that long term goal.

I just remembered that I used a T shirt as a reward for a very unruly student years ago. It really helped! He wanted his name on it. Maybe your little family members would like to design their own shirts somehow, too.

That is something to think about. I like that. Thank you very much

Introverted1293 · Aug 8, 2019

thecolorsblend said:
There's a knee jerk temptation to say that the children should be treated equally. Meaning, "the same".

However, no two children are the same. So treating them the same is self-defeating. Rather, try to give each child what they need, as best you can evaluate their needs.

If you fear that you're favoring one over another, watch the signs. Children say a lot with their actions. If you see any damage unintentionally done, try to remedy it and then avoid that behavior in the future.

Good luck!

Thank you

That was very informative. I guess I don't know how to handle kids very well. I don't exactly know how to treat them based on their needs. But I will learn.

thecolorsblend · Aug 8, 2019

Introverted1293 said:
Thank you

That was very informative. I guess I don't know how to handle kids very well. I don't exactly know how to treat them based on their needs. But I will learn.

Ages ago, I dated a girl with twins; a boy and a girl.

With the boy, it was pretty easy. He had access to exactly zero other male influences in his life so I could do no wrong as far as he was concerned.

With the girl, it was an incredible pain in the pain because she also had no access to male influences and such a thing was absolutely foreign to her. I could do no right as far as she was concerned.

Playtime was the great equalizer. They were toddlers and loved wrestling with each other and with me. Eventually, the ice broke between me and the girl. She accepted me and everything was okay after that.

Introverted1293 · Aug 8, 2019

thecolorsblend said:
Ages ago, I dated a girl with twins; a boy and a girl.

With the boy, it was pretty easy. He had access to exactly zero other male influences in his life so I could do no wrong as far as he was concerned.

With the girl, it was an incredible pain in the pain because she also had no access to male influences and such a thing was absolutely foreign to her. I could do no right as far as she was concerned.

Playtime was the great equalizer. They were toddlers and loved wrestling with each other and with me. Eventually, the ice broke between me and the girl. She accepted me and everything was okay after that.

Thank you very much for sharing. That was very helpful.

Showing Favoritism

Well-Known Member

Handmaid of God

Handmaid of God

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

God is Love

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

God is Love

Well-Known Member

...yet not I, but the grace of God that is with me

YHWH's

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

YHWH's

If God is your Father, who is your Mother?

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

If God is your Father, who is your Mother?

Well-Known Member

Similar threads