help with dealing with controlling mother

Inhasap6 said:

I tried talking to my mom about my issues again tonight. I approached her in a Godly way and told her that I didn’t want to move out, but perhaps i could have more freedom. Once again it turnt into an argument with her saying that I probably wish she was dead so I can get a bunch of friends (which was really below the belt). She says that she “releases” me and she is going to distance her self. I really don’t understand why this has to be so hard. I don’t wanna go out and drink, or party, or smoke weed or meet a bunch of guys. I literally just want help. I can’t stop crying

Click to expand...

I'm sorry.. truly I am. It's not supposed to be like that at all.

I know your hurt, but she is using your love and concern for her to control and manipulate you. It's a heavy weight to bear, but in order for anything to change positively, you will need to stand up under that weight anyway and go forward.

See yourself for who you are and then stand in that view.

I listened to an older teaching by a Pastor on youtube yesterday and his teaching really grabbed me given the condition and lost state of our nations youth.. He was speaking of The Supremacy of Christ in a Post Modern World

But he was speaking on what the 4 main questions all youth ask and how secular humanism answers it verses Christianitys answers to the same questions..

I think perhaps you can benefit from this excerpt:

• Who Am I?
• Christian theism answers:
• 
  
• [Christ] is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities — all things created through Him and for Him. (Colossians 1:15–16)
• 
  
• (Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations in this chapter are taken from *The New American Standard Bible[NASB])
• 
  
• Now some of you might be puzzled as to how this text is an answer to the question “Who am I?” The answer is that you cannot figure out who you are until you first discover who he is. Jesus is the image of the invisible God. He is the exact representation of the Father. He is the picture of God in human flesh. He is God on this earth. He is God with us, God among us. He is the Almighty, “for by Him all things were created.” He is the Creator of all things.
• 
  
• Which things did Jesus create? He created all things in heaven and on earth. Thrones, dominions, rulers, authorities — all things were made by him. All things were made through him. This harkens back to John 1:1: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God,” which in turn harkens back to Genesis 1:1: “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” If we read on we find these marvelous words: “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness” (Genesis 1:26).
• 
  
• So who am I? While our postmodern culture says that I am the result of random processes, Christian theism says I am the crowning glory of the creation of God (compare with Psalm 8:5). Christian theism says he knit me together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). Christian theism says I am no accident. I am no result of random processes. Christian theism says that whether I am tall and beautiful or small and not so handsome, whether my body functions perfectly or is severely deformed, I am the crowning glory of the creation of God, and as a result I have inherent dignity, worth, and value

The Supremacy of Christ and Truth in a Postmodern World

Keep this in mind, this is the answer to who you are.. keep it before you when you feel weak, or without worth, because the King says you have great worth.

So don't cry, and don't be sad. Consider the bird stretching it's wings before flying from the nest for the first time. All children try boundaries to some degree, and push for their own independence..

Your at a good age. You can do this.

Your mother will cry for a day, and then she will find a nice hobby..

Inhasap6 said:

Now that I’m 21 she tells me that it isn’t Gods timing for me to go forth and have a life yet.

Click to expand...

You’re both codependent. The dysfunction and isolation have made you dependent and stunted your growth in certain areas. You love her but also remain due to the conditioning and its crippling effect.

If you read a true account of former cult members you’ll see similar behaviors. That’s actually a good idea to do so. Sometimes it’s easier to see the pattern in others than ourselves. We have blinders in our situation that won’t exist for a strangers.

I’m a mother. I understand your condition because I’m skilled at shaping a human. My daughter’s 28. That tiny ball of clay must be handled. But not to the degree where its incapable of functioning without its handler.

You mold and make adjustments over the years impressing while making allowances for their will. You don’t crush the spirit. You groom it lovingly.

When adolescence arrives the lessons shift. You begin to withhold ever so gently. Consequence must have sway. They must choose the better act. You can’t save them from every mistake. You’ll clip their wings and stunt their emotional development.

You reinforce the importance of character and the consequences of its absence. They’ll return to those lessons over the years. You’re forging discipline and wisdom. By the time they reach adulthood the message has taken root and the handling shifts once more.

You’re less hands-on. You give instruction and listen more than ever. Their conversation will tell you if you’ve succeeded or failed. Both in what is shared and withheld.

You notice their bloom and the impact of your handling. If you got it right you’re proud. You’ll see your mistakes too. But God-willing the gains outweigh the regrets and you’re proud of yourself and them.

That’s how you shape a healthy soul. The freedom you seek is in your hands. Only you can take it. I pray you do.

Inhasap6 said:

I tried talking to my mom about my issues again tonight. I approached her in a Godly way and told her that I didn’t want to move out, but perhaps i could have more freedom. Once again it turnt into an argument with her saying that I probably wish she was dead so I can get a bunch of friends (which was really below the belt). She says that she “releases” me and she is going to distance her self. I really don’t understand why this has to be so hard. I don’t wanna go out and drink, or party, or smoke weed or meet a bunch of guys. I literally just want help. I can’t stop crying

Click to expand...

Get your counseling, and if she gives you trouble, use the "release" to defend it.

When dealing with difficult people you want to maintain a relationship with, make your terms clear and don't budge from them. You're open to having some sort of relationship with her and staying at her place, but you need your counseling in order to get healthy. Also a social life. She doesn't want you to have those, but she will give you those if she wants anything from you, otherwise she's looking at 0%. I recommend being more diplomatic about breaking that to her, but that's the reality she has to deal with.

Sounds like some tough issues. I don't think it is at all unreasonable for someone to move out at 21. You should be out. Still at home living with such friction is unnatural and it most certainly will not improve. The entire job of a parent is to get their child to a point in their life where they can walk out the door and never look back if they don't want to and become a successful human 100% on their own. If a parent resists that they are not doing their job. Hopefully relationships are maintained, but they are not required. Raising your kids to walk away and make it on their own is the fruit of successful parenting. When my kids graduated HS at 18 they left home and now I have great relationships with them and they look to me for absolutely nothing in a material sense. They are independent of me and contributors to society on their own. Living in your situation is unnatural and destructive.

Your story is so troubling. I understand much of it though, because my mother was very similar. When my parents divorced I was 8. My mother took me to her home country to live with her parents, who didn't speak English. I had to overcome culture shock and a foreign culture, but that was the easy part.

Spousification of a child happens when a parent, usually the mother, uses her child to fulfill her own needs. This especially happens after divorce. From what you said, I think this is happening to you. My mother wanted to share a room with me and do everything with me. It was suffocating. Fortunately, I went to school and made lots of friends. Because my mother was so manipulative and controlling, I spent the bulk of my time with those friends to escape her. Life at home was miserable. She criticized me and everything I enjoyed, including my friends, mercilessly. I now understand that she was jealous of anything that I liked that didn't involve her.

I left for good at 21, taking a huge chance by coming home to the US by myself. The risk of finding my way in a new country was much more appealing than another moment living with her. It was very, very difficult, but it was the best decision I ever made.

I think your social anxiety is a result of your mother intentionally isolating you to keep her to herself. This is horribly cruel. But I also think you can overcome it. Once you get past the fear of starting friendships, I believe the anxiety will significantly lessen.

Since your mother has "released" you (whatever that means) I encourage you to go out and find a good church. Talk to the leader of the women's ministry and tell her your story. Ask for a mentor. Many churches have mentorship programs where a young woman is guided by an older, more experienced believer. You are in real need of different perspective.

From what you've said, your mother is using her Christianity as a weapon to manipulate you. That is evil behavior. It is crucial that you get out from under her thumb and live. Though she has threatened to distance herself from you, I am certain it's just another manipulation. Do it anyway, for your own mental and emotional well being. But don't argue with her about it. Just gently say what you're going to do, and then do it. She will likely pitch a fit (another manipulation), but she'll get over it. Honoring your parents does not mean that you have to abide by everything they say, especially when it's ridiculously unreasonable and selfishly motivated. You honor her by keeping your cool, and walking away when she becomes abusive. My mother used to call me all the time and say awful things to me. I just calmly told her that she needed to stop or I would hang up. Of course she wouldn't stop, so I'd say good bye and hang up. After a while, she realized that I meant what I said and dialed the abuse way back. It never completely stopped, but it was much better.

I hope you are able to set boundaries with your mother. It is the only thing that gets through to selfish people like her. When she finally gets the fact that you will no longer be manipulated, she will also hopefully dial it all back. There was a lot more peace in my heart when I set those boundaries.

My heart breaks for you. It takes a lot of courage to take the reins in your own life, but now that you are 21, it is a good time. Then you will be free to make friends and eventually find a good man. Most importantly, you will no longer be a slave to your mother's whims. I'm praying for you.

Inhasap6 said:

I am a 21 year old female & I currently live at home with my mother. My dad left years ago, and I have no siblings or other family members so it is just her & I.

Click to expand...

Why, at 21, are you still living at home?

Inhasap6 said:

I have had social anxiety from a very young age and this has prevented me from making any friends.

Click to expand...

Well, what is social anxiety at its heart? Where does social anxiety come from? I ask because I was at one time very withdrawn and isolated, too. God had to show me some hard truths about my reclusiveness before I could move beyond it. The most difficult of which was seeing that it was pride - very BIG, hyper-sensitive pride - at the bottom of my "social anxiety." I was so terribly socially anxious because my pride could not bear injury, however slight. When a man is full of himself, you see, there is no room in his heart or life for anyone else - even when he desperately wants to connect with others. And this is why God tells us in His word that if we want to be truly free, we have to die to ourselves. (Matthew 16:24-25)

Inhasap6 said:

Most people find this very hard to believe, but I have literally not had a friendship in my entire life. I was homeschooled from middle school through high school so gaining friends at school was obviously never an option.

Click to expand...

This is a significant downside of homeschooling. It is very unfortunate your mother did not address the social isolation that homeschooling often fosters.

Inhasap6 said:

The most communication I’ve had outside of my relationship with my mother has been with people that I’ve talked to online, but I’ve never met any of them in real life & most of the relationships never lasted more than 6 months.

Click to expand...

Online relationships cannot replace face-to-face relating.

Inhasap6 said:

My mother has ignored my cries for help regarding this matter and has said that God will eventually help me to meet people.

Click to expand...

The Bible says that we reap what we sow. If I sow seeds of reserve and isolation, I should not be surprised when I find myself all alone. The answer to your loneliness is simple, however: Make some friends. Volunteer somewhere. Connect with young people at church. Join an interest group of some kind: Knitters Anonymous, or a Young Writers' group, or some such thing. But you will have to stop being so sensitive to social stressors. God can help you with this tremendously, but it will mean letting go of yourself, of your over-riding self-centeredness, and let Christ be formed in you instead. It's not as hard to do as it sounds when you are trusting in God to change you rather than yourself.

Inhasap6 said:

I do my best to stay positive despite things, but no matter what I do I am never good enough for my mother.

Click to expand...

I'm sure you're plenty good enough. Why, when you know your Mother is beyond pleasing, do you still care about what she thinks? Do you want to be endlessly frustrated and unhappy the rest of your life? Set yourself on pleasing God. He's who
really matters.

Inhasap6 said:

I have never been allowed to listen to secular music or watch about 90% of tv shows or movies & as of recent She has been putting me on guilt trips for watching things as simple as Disney because they are “anti christ”.

Click to expand...

Well, there is one HUGE mountain of sheer junk out there in the World. Popular culture is rife with, well, crap. Your Mom actually has a point about the stuff she's trying to protect your from. But, at 21, she doesn't really have the right to make your decisions for you. However, if you want to live like a full-fledged adult, you'll have to assume all the responsibilities that go with it: paying for rent, buying your own groceries, providing for your own transport, paying for power, and water, and so on. If you don't want to do this, then you ought not to complain too much when your Mom orders you about. Personally, at 21, I had been out on my own for three years. It's great! I highly recommend it!

Inhasap6 said:

I think about just ending it all almost every night, but I don’t want to go go hell. I don’t know what to do, I literally feel trapped & hopeless.

Click to expand...

Yeah, been there, done that. Suicide is not the route to go, though I can understand the pain that makes you ponder it. God has a better way. How has He figured into what you've been going through? What sort of a view of God do you have?

It sounds like your situation is pretty serious. I don't know your whole story, so I want to be careful to not give bad advice. I can't say I have social anxiety, but I will say I have struggled with wanting to socialize myself at times (after going through some pretty negative social experiences it's not easy to trust). However, I don't believe God want's us to give into our fears or struggles, "for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control" (2 Timothy 1:7 ESV). I have at times in my life needed advice also, and in such times I have benefited from reading books by Cloud and Townsend. They have books on how to have healthy boundaries in relationships. Check out their books Boundaries, or Safe People, just to name two. They have many different books that have brought encouragement to my whole family. I know when you have less of a community, family ties are even more important, so I feel for you! I would say most Christian parents love their children, but that doesn't mean they will always do right by them, especially if they have dysfunction keeping them from doing so easily. Christian counseling would also be something to pray about!

You mentioned you have migraines? There are all kinds of things that can cause migraines: tension, stress, food allergies, hormonal changes or imbalance, etc. I know a little about that, as I have suffered from hormonal migraines since I was 12 years old. Some women have that problem on a monthly basis. I would say pay attention to your environment when these migraines take place. Did you have a fight with your mom that triggered one the next day? Do you get a migraine whenever you eat, say, dairy products? Did you sleep poorly (too many pillows?) and wake up with a migraine? Do you get one every month on a certain day? These are questions I would ask yourself when trying to get to the bottom of what is triggering your migraines. Please, don't feel that because God has allowed you to suffer in this way, you are some how sinning, or helpless. Though I have not figured out a way to naturally cure myself of migraines, there are things I can do to help to lessen the pain or frequency. I know there are also medications you can get if you want to see a doctor, but I have decided the side affects are not worth it for me at this point. Anyway, if you ever want to swap migraine tips or whatnot, feel free to private message me. I've tried all kinds of natural remedies and some work pretty well, and some made me feel worse!

I'm going to be praying for you! Please don't lose hope. "But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one" (2 Thessalonians 3:3 ESV).

Your mother is emotionally abusive. Why? Fear? I don't know but since you've been living under that abuse, you should look into not manifesting the same behavior with others when they do come into your life. Counseling is good but if you want to save your money look into A.C.O.A. (Adult Children Of Alcoholics). You don't have to be from an alcoholic background because it primarily deals with dysfunctional families. It's an "anonymous" group like AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). The thing I would caution would be the "higher power" stuff. Sometimes there are "Christian" groups. Just ask and people should be able to tell you. When I was in my process of healing God used a Christian A.C.O.A. group. To this day I am grateful for the acceptance, compassion, and kindness I experienced through that group.

What you're going through is so painful but God is able to heal you and your mother if she so desires. In the meantime you take care of you and receive God's healing and blessings for yourself. I know it's hard because I had a controlling mother, but God is more and the person He makes free is free indeed.

Thank you for sharing.. since you put this in public.. I take authority over the spirit of suicide in Jesus name and it has to leave. That lie would only come up if there was not something WONDERFUL about you and what is coming. Well Satan can not tell the truth. So if you hear thoughts about how bad awful or how better everyone would be.. those are lies. FLIP IT! He made you for a reason.

We stay faithful to Christ.. to His word. I only share what I know.. not what I think or hope is ture. So repent for what ever you have done or thought. And know He GOD Christ is for you not against you. Jesus said.. ask the Father for anything in my name He will do it. What ever you desire when you pray believe you receive it and you will have it. If you know He hears you then you know you have the petitions you asked for. GODS WILL IS HIS WORD!

We know that GOD does not force is to do say think anything. But.. He can whisper. When my boy was about 4-5 at pre School this girl (Adena) he really liked wanted nothing what so ever to do with him. So I told him one day lets pray. I said children can listen to God so easily vs us when we grow up. I said they know how to listen. They will listen to that whisper. So we prayed. I think about a week later as I went to pick him up when he got up she got up came over and gave him a big hug. Oh man he loved that.

My point is know where the battle is. Its not with mom. Take authority over ANY darkness that tries to come in. Be it about how you feel think about your mom or you own life! DONT let the enemy rob you. You are the righteousness of GOD! Greater is HE that is in YOU than he thats in the world. See GOD as its written HEARS you and answers before you finish praying. But we DOUBT and its written if we doubt let not that man think he will get anything from God. How do we KNOW He hears us? Its in that bible that GOD your FATHER HELLO! ALWAYS hears the righteous! THATS YOU! So its just the enemy tossing out doubts to you about God does not hear you or what ever. You answer those doubts with NO its written "the LORD is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous." And for you "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles." So many more!

Tell you Father what you need. What you want. He is 100% for FRIENDS! JOB what ever! But.. when you ask.. no matter what it looks like sounds like.. you KNOW He will answer you. It also says.. those that call on the lord shall be delivered.

That word was written for you.. and every you see was made for you. And hold on to "Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." It IS going to get better..

MY dad use to .. was really really mean. And would never let my mom take me to Church.. they keep praying never doubting.. KNEW he would let me.. then one day.. didnt know he wanted to let me go.

Inhasap6 said:

Hello. I am new here. I am seeking help because I have no one else to talk to. This will be a fairly long post, but I will try to make it as easy to read as possible.

I am a 21 year old female & I currently live at home with my mother. My dad left years ago, and I have no siblings or other family members so it is just her & I.

I have had social anxiety from a very young age and this has prevented me from making any friends. Most people find this very hard to believe, but I have literally not had a friendship in my entire life. I was homeschooled from middle school through high school so gaining friends at school was obviously never an option.

The most communication I’ve had outside of my relationship with my mother has been with people that I’ve talked to online, but I’ve never met any of them in real life & most of the relationships never lasted more than 6 months.


My mother has ignored my cries for help regarding this matter and has said that God will eventually help me to meet people. I have talked to her about therapy, but she does not believe in therapist or social anxiety medication, so after a while I gave up and learnt how to be content being alone.



I do my best to stay positive despite things, but no matter what I do I am never good enough for my mother. I have never been allowed to listen to secular music or watch about 90% of tv shows or movies & as of recent She has been putting me on guilt trips for watching things as simple as Disney because they are “anti christ”. I bought a purse that had a dragon on it and she made me throw it away because the devil is mentioned as a dragon in the Bible.

I have also been having terrible migraines (to the point where I feel as I might have an aneurysm) and she believes that it is because I have unclean spirits in me. These are just a few of many examples I can give as to how strict she is.



We get into arguments almost everyday. Today I said that I am tired of her control (not the first time) and she basically threatened not to have a relationship with me anymore. I do have enough money to move out and survive on my own (I make money by selling products on eBay) however, she is literally the only person I have in life. I think about just ending it all almost every night, but I don’t want to go go hell. I don’t know what to do, I literally feel trapped & hopeless.

Click to expand...

I would submit that your social anxiety is related to your mother. She's basically made you socially anxious because she's walled you off from the world. Read up on sociopaths, she sounds like one.

In any event, as callous as it sounds you have to get over your anxiety and go to a church. A pastor may be able to help you spiritually and will likely be able to steer you to secular therapy. There may very well be someone in the church who is a therapist who might be able to cut you a deal on cost. Be prepared though, your mother is going to go ballistic over any of this and will work very hard to convince you that she's either going to cut you off or she's going to work hard to convince you that the world is so dangerous that you can't get involved in it at all. She'll play on your anxiety to convince you to stay. If you really want out, you need to prepare for this and stay strong.

Suggest that you asks her to go with you (you driving) and go somewhere. Asks her for suggestions when you are cooking, etc Then the next couple of days stretch a little more. It takes 2 to argue so use those times to learn how to successfully discuss things. Let her know you love her and you can have a more adult relationship.

Hi @Inhasap6

I'm sorry for the reasons you came here for advice. I have a different suggestion...

Your mother is highly self absorbed and abusive to try to keep you captive in this way for her own purposes.

You are 21 and certainly have the right to see after your own future.

Drive your car to an Air Force recruiting station and ask them to give you the ASFAB test. It will show what career fields are available that you will qualify for. If there is a career field that is unlikely to deploy, such as Personnel or other services, that you qualify for, consider signing up for active duty.

After you pick your career and enlist, they'll give you a ship date. Now basic training has a terrible reputation for being difficult, but five of my kids have gone through it and have found amazing networks of support among their peers. I have a 19 year old son who has already gone through his basic training and career training and he cried his heart out almost every day for the first several WEEKS!! He was so homesick. The other young men in his squadron were so supportive of him since they all wanted to cry too... lol... and some of them joined right in. Two of my daughters went through it and found that some of the women were snarkier than the men are, there were always plenty of women who were an amazing source of strength and support. You would all be there in the same boat - totally cut off from everyone you know, miserable and desperate for a kind word from somewhere. Foxhole friends can be the best!!

After basic training, you'll be sent to another base for technical training. Here they will train you for your career field. During this time they will assign you a base where you'll be shipped off after school to live for up to the next 5 years. You'll be provided with a dorm, a paycheck and will have the comraderie of other young women in your same position - shipped off to a distant place without family or friends.

By the time you finish your first enlistment period you'll feel far more confident of yourself, your social skills, your capabilities and your value.

You can start to go to college while you are enlisted. In fact it's encouraged and there are benefits provided to pay for college depending upon the particulars of your enlistment.

Five of my children have gone through this and all are receiving "free" college.

Dear sister, what do you think of this? It's scary but if you are a strong person (and you must be to have survived the environment you're in) it will give you an avenue and the backbone to thrive as an independent, fully functioning young adult.

Prayers and hugs,
E.

You are not trapped. You have the income to move out. I don't know if this is your mother or not, but you might want to check out Narcissistic Personality Disorder, maybe starting with this channel by a Christian psychotherapist. Controlling behaviors, insisting that they be right and have the last word, trying to seclude others, and abusiveness, are just parts of the syndrome. It is very common, so if you don't see your mother, you will see others you have known.

Surviving Narcissism

That channel, and others like it, may make you feel that some understand and sympathize, even have experienced such things themselves. They have strategies for what you should do. Frankly, ultimately what they say is "Get out!" for, short of a miracle, such people do not change, per 1000s of pscyotherapists, except in the direction of getting worse.

Okay, you have social anxiety. Who cares if you mother thinks you don't need therapy? You are an adult. Try it and see if it helps.

What could be worse than staying in a situation which is so bad that you are fighting suicidal impulses all the time? Get out dear. Get some help. I'm praying for you.

P.S. I looked over the vids on the Surviving Narcissism channel, thinking of you, and this vid seemed particularly relevant to your situation. At least to me, here at a distance.