I apologize if I seem really angry right now.
It's frustrating because I have all these questions about why is my life is like this and what God is planning to do about it. No one at my church can answer them in spite of all their claimed spiritual gifting. It seems to me I just have to wait to die or get raptured in order to sit with God and have Him tell me why.
If God will allow it, I'd love to live another life on Earth without the disabilities and dysfunctional family. I'd prefer to be born no earlier than 1970 and live no later than 2012. I'd want to live in Ottawa instead of some small town in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do but drinking and fishing. I'd like to just live life without having to prove myself worthy of basic human kindness most NT's take for granted.
One can only dream.
i'm not sure if my perspective of things will change anything for you. For many years i felt very similar to you. i asked why God had made me the way He did, i could not see His purpose in my suffering or why He would have purposed my existence in the hell i was finding myself in.
Then unexpectedly Jesus took me Upstairs one day and had me begging God to heal me from my illness. Which was my heart's desire at the time. You know what He said? I have made you to be like you are as a demonstration of My glory. He didn't heal me but send me back to love His children as i was.
Honest brother i can never tell you how disappointed i was with God! Like a slap in the face! My suffering be for His glory? i couldn't understand what He meant when He said that. My life was in shambles. i was in and out of hospital, my own family run scared of me and i hated myself. i was often so of the planet that i could trust anything i heard or saw.
Luckily Jesus came to my rescue. Through His word He explained that He loved me as i was, sinner and all. He also loved me the sick person i was and wanted to make good what i had missed out on suffering as i had done. However i would first have to learn to love myself, like He and all Heaven loved me and stop thinking i was fundamentally wrong, no good, disabled, handicapped or any any other way food for the wicked. For then i was opposed to His kingdom as such thinking only ever leads to the killing fields, and never to His glory.
For as Jesus explained this to me, He showed me how i had for years treated myself like everyone else thinking i was no good, not to be trusted, or loved or cared for, or taken seriously.
So i began to fight my bad self image and rejected all the previously ways i had dealt with myself and tried to love myself truthfully into God's kingdom. As i was, sick and all. It proved to be an enormous battle that took many years.
i began to use God's love for me and began to make that my foundation of my new self image. i build and build letting God's loving truth set everything straight.
Now, many years later, i begin to understand what God meant that i have been created to rule with Him and give Him glory being as i was. The healing love of God began from day one began to undo myself hate and dislike for myself and internalised His love for myself.
i understand everything from a completely different perceptive now. Where to my joy i see that my Down Syndrome daughter, who is severely mentally handicapped in the eyes of this world, with an intellectual age of just 1 1/2, is far further advanced in the Kingdom of God than i am. Her purity, honesty, devoid of wrong mannerisms, acute directness, and kind and gentle loving heart, surpasses that of most people, certainly mine. What i didn't see as good before now i see good in and where i saw saw good before i now see no good comes out of thinking like that.
This is what it is about brother. That you learn to be better than those who reject you as being a worthwhile creation, by not thinking of yourself like that, but learning with the love of God to overcome the bad life placed on you and letting Jesus turn it around to serve good life instead.
It can be done brother. You can be a beckon of light in this world because God has made you for His glory and that certainly means that He wants you to share in that glory, for that is how He is. He is the best God we could possibly serve. He loves you 100 percent even when you are stuck in bad life and turns it around to produces good life. He truly is Almighty in His ways.
So the answer is in my humble opinion is, don't ask why, for you wont get an answer till you go to heaven after you pass away from here, but ask yourself how you can let Jesus make something beautiful out of that for His glory, your neighbours benefit and your rightful place as His good creation.
Much love considering this and leaving the worldly opinions thinking about yourself behind and finding a whole new life in and with Jesus.
Peace
Matthew 19:29
"
And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life."