Please pray for my and my sister's relationship to improve. We love each other, but she's a very strict, no-nonsense type, and as our parents passed away in 2017, I am still sad and devastated and I often need her comfort, but she's just not the type to be all lovey-dovey and dole out hugs or whatever. She had our parents all her life; I was adopted when they were already much older and out of pity (my mother died early in my life and my father was abusive) they rather indulged and spoiled me, with the best of intentions. Anyway, I need my sister's comfort, and I used to think I had it, albeit not on blatant display, but I've made some stupid decisions lately that I feel has alienated me from her and has diminished her love for me.
Then there's a love disappointment that I'm still trying to come to terms with. The guy has lost interest and has basically moved on. It hurts especially since he was such a nice guy; I can't even look back and focus on his mistakes and feel better having been abandoned by a jerk. He's a good guy, just full of mommy issues (he's deep in his forties, but hasn't been able to let go of her as his girlfriend, for the lack of a better term) and addicted to his job (he's a pilot), so I think he made the decision in the end to keep being his mother's husband in a way (the husband passed away three years ago and the mom never got passed it and counts on her son a lot to stand in his shoes), and to keep doing the job that he loves so much. So I know it's not personal, but his rejection still hurts.
I suffer from separation anxiety, depression, and insomnia, and there's no money for treatment in a mental hospital at this time, or even just with a psychologist or psychiatrist in private. I feel very hurt, and I feel very guilty for all the mistakes I've made. I'm addicted to benzos because it numbs the pain inside, even if just a little bit. People will judge instead of understand. My anti-depressants don't work. My sister pays for it, she was recently abroad and regularly kept in touch, and brought back a whole bag of souvenirs, she pays my rent, she takes care of me... I just sometimes need her to hold me, to tell me that our parents are with Jesus and we'll see them again some day. But as I said, she's not that type.
I can't find a job, no matter how hard I try or how much my friends spread the word. Ironically, it's an atheist who seems to have taken particular interest in trying to help me and be nice to me. And a family member who's a Taoist, I think, who's been very kind, also.
But, anyway, please pray for me. I miss my grandparents so much. Their unconditional love, forgiveness, tolerance... I can't stand myself and I wish I could stop being depressed. I feel so far away from God. I know that suicide is not a shortcut to Heaven, but I often feel like this life no longer worth living. I'm sad and lonely and I've messed up my finances, I feel like nothing will ever be okay ever again.
Then there's a love disappointment that I'm still trying to come to terms with. The guy has lost interest and has basically moved on. It hurts especially since he was such a nice guy; I can't even look back and focus on his mistakes and feel better having been abandoned by a jerk. He's a good guy, just full of mommy issues (he's deep in his forties, but hasn't been able to let go of her as his girlfriend, for the lack of a better term) and addicted to his job (he's a pilot), so I think he made the decision in the end to keep being his mother's husband in a way (the husband passed away three years ago and the mom never got passed it and counts on her son a lot to stand in his shoes), and to keep doing the job that he loves so much. So I know it's not personal, but his rejection still hurts.
I suffer from separation anxiety, depression, and insomnia, and there's no money for treatment in a mental hospital at this time, or even just with a psychologist or psychiatrist in private. I feel very hurt, and I feel very guilty for all the mistakes I've made. I'm addicted to benzos because it numbs the pain inside, even if just a little bit. People will judge instead of understand. My anti-depressants don't work. My sister pays for it, she was recently abroad and regularly kept in touch, and brought back a whole bag of souvenirs, she pays my rent, she takes care of me... I just sometimes need her to hold me, to tell me that our parents are with Jesus and we'll see them again some day. But as I said, she's not that type.
I can't find a job, no matter how hard I try or how much my friends spread the word. Ironically, it's an atheist who seems to have taken particular interest in trying to help me and be nice to me. And a family member who's a Taoist, I think, who's been very kind, also.
But, anyway, please pray for me. I miss my grandparents so much. Their unconditional love, forgiveness, tolerance... I can't stand myself and I wish I could stop being depressed. I feel so far away from God. I know that suicide is not a shortcut to Heaven, but I often feel like this life no longer worth living. I'm sad and lonely and I've messed up my finances, I feel like nothing will ever be okay ever again.
