When to stop "helping"

pdudgeon

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I think that's the part I need to discern. Does she really want my help or just attention?

I gave her advice and resources but she would either negate or disregard them, and keep returning to me with the same problem.
That sounds like you're dealing with either a classic narcissist or else a case of her being in an abusive situation to me.

If she wants attention, if she always has the same problems, if you give her help, show her the answers and she doesn't take them but keeps coming back for more help, then you've possibly got a narcissist on your hands.

On the other hand if she's being abused, recognizes that for herself, and is actively seeking answers to get out of the situation, then she will probably be best helped by seeking out counseling from someone who is used to treating such cases.
 
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ChicanaRose

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There is more and more of this among Christians these days! In the church! In my church, it's getting bad...people using other people because Christ said to serve your neighbor and boy are people abusing that today. If they NEED something to survive...sure, help....but this lady doesn't need anything. She might be making something up and really not need anything at all. Just to get your attention.

I felt that way too...like Christians are more prone to being used because we worry about whether we are being loving.
 
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I felt that way too...like Christians are more prone to being used because we worry about whether we are being loving.
So true. And con-artists and scammers know this. They know most Christians are either naive or they'll help based on obligation or guilt. I was in the military for 20 years and worked with people from all walks of life. Because of that, I got pretty good at being able to tell when someone is trying to sell/con me into something. In church, however; you assume and hope your brothers and sisters in Christ wouldn't be like that! Huh! So wrong, was I! There's the occasional few who, their only purpose in coming to church is to look for suckers. I got conned by one once...never again. I still help people, but I'm a little more discerning as 1 Thes 5:21 says to be. Now, I don't have a problem politely saying no.
 
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ChicanaRose

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How can we protect ourselves from being scammed? One thing that I could think right now is the power of a companion. From my personal experience, being isolated in a questionable conversation leads to vulnerability. In the future, it may be best to bring just one more person into a conversation for a discernment.
 
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bèlla

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Definitely an emotional vampire. I had an old friend like this whom I had to politely distance myself from. Her whining, complaining and CONSTANT phone calls got so annoying that I had to finally tell her, hey...this has to stop.

Same here. I met someone years ago. She’s nice and loving. But she smothered me with daily calls recounting complaints and woes about her husband. This usually happened after praying. My mood shifted every time. She admitted the Holy Spirit told her to give me space and not to talk about herself so often. Most of the discussions revolved around her.

After a while I started asking questions. Things didn’t add up. The affair she spoke of constantly happened ten years prior. I assumed it was recent given her conversation.

His alcoholism was a problem. But something told me to ask how long they were acquainted prior to marriage. When she said 30 days I was flabbergasted. She was 32 when they married. If you pledge yourself to a stranger you’re going to have surprises!

She was very needy and wanted a lot time and attention. Frequent calls were accompanied by a desire to go out each day. She wanted to escape the house but I enjoyed mine and stayed home. By filling a void with others she denied herself the peace and healing the Lord provides. Bitterness had taken root and it eventually came out.

I reached a point when I felt overcome and heavy laden. I didn’t believe I was the appropriate confidante. I’m single and have never married. She had married friends. I didn’t agree with how she undressed him to others. He could never show his face. Everyone knew his business.

But a lot of the ministry work she did he funded. All the lunch dates and giving to the needy came from his wages. He wasn’t perfect. But her disability inspired pity and no one corrected her.

I was laboring for someone in prayer at the time. Someone who wronged me. But my greatest concern was his soul. I’d done so for several years. The differences between the two taught me a lesson. I understood the power of love covering sin when we let it.

I stepped away and made a commitment to be mindful of my mental and emotional health. When your disposition is loving and kind, you’ll attract people hungry for the same. Both good and bad.

I’m happier now. I feel lighter and joy is a constant. I value my peace and the constancy of happiness I experience. I have a great life. I spend my day giving thanks and marveling at all He’s done and the numerous opportunities I’ve been given.

I don’t allow myself to be drawn into relationships like that anymore. I’m intentional and prayerful about all connections now. And they’re better as a result.

Many Christians are burdening one another with troubles that require professional counseling or therapy. I am neither, nor has the Lord called me to that role. I stick with my mission.
 
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Martyr's Crown

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How can we protect ourselves from being scammed? One thing that I could think right now is the power of a companion. From my personal experience, being isolated in a questionable conversation leads to vulnerability. In the future, it may be best to bring just one more person into a conversation for a discernment.

Your best companion is relying on the Holy Spirit. As God knows everything about this situation, He is the best one to ask for all kinds of direction.

Other persons may easily come with own thoughts and ideas, which can of course be helpful, if one prays beforehand as well as keeping God's Word in mind.

But there are times in which it could go wrong as well, and sometimes turning out into gossip. Even if it may seem lightly put at first. Gossip has also become more normal in many churches nowadays, even though they try painting it into a good light.

Just to be sure it is done in a way which is honouring to God and which is meant to build up and help.

Ephesians 4:29

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
 
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LoricaLady

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I think that's the part I need to discern. Does she really want my help or just attention?

I gave her advice and resources but she would either negate or disregard them, and keep returning to me with the same problem.
It seems you are answering your question right there. When we try to help people and they don't get helped, because they don't want it, don't value it, or just like attention, maybe drama, whatever, then we are in danger of being, frankly, used, when we could spend out time elsewhere more productively.
 
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ChicanaRose

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Your best companion is relying on the Holy Spirit. As God knows everything about this situation, He is the best one to ask for all kinds of direction.

Other persons may easily come with own thoughts and ideas, which can of course be helpful, if one prays beforehand as well as keeping God's Word in mind.

But there are times in which it could go wrong as well, and sometimes turning out into gossip. Even if it may seem lightly put at first. Gossip has also become more normal in many churches nowadays, even though they try painting it into a good light.

Just to be sure it is done in a way which is honouring to God and which is meant to build up and help.

Ephesians 4:29

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Yes, definitely bring along someone who keeps strict confidentiality.
 
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ChicanaRose

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Same here. I met someone years ago. She’s nice and loving. But she smothered me with daily calls recounting complaints and woes about her husband. This usually happened after praying. My mood shifted every time. She admitted the Holy Spirit told her to give me space and not to talk about herself so often. Most of the discussions revolved around her.

After a while I started asking questions. Things didn’t add up. The affair she spoke of constantly happened ten years prior. I assumed it was recent given her conversation.

His alcoholism was a problem. But something told me to ask how long they were acquainted prior to marriage. When she said 30 days I was flabbergasted. She was 32 when they married. If you pledge yourself to a stranger you’re going to have surprises!

She was very needy and wanted a lot time and attention. Frequent calls were accompanied by a desire to go out each day. She wanted to escape the house but I enjoyed mine and stayed home. By filling a void with others she denied herself the peace and healing the Lord provides. Bitterness had taken root and it eventually came out.

I reached a point when I felt overcome and heavy laden. I didn’t believe I was the appropriate confidante. I’m single and have never married. She had married friends. I didn’t agree with how she undressed him to others. He could never show his face. Everyone knew his business.

But a lot of the ministry work she did he funded. All the lunch dates and giving to the needy came from his wages. He wasn’t perfect. But her disability inspired pity and no one corrected her.

I was laboring for someone in prayer at the time. Someone who wronged me. But my greatest concern was his soul. I’d done so for several years. The differences between the two taught me a lesson. I understood the power of love covering sin when we let it.

I stepped away and made a commitment to be mindful of my mental and emotional health. When your disposition is loving and kind, you’ll attract people hungry for the same. Both good and bad.

I’m happier now. I feel lighter and joy is a constant. I value my peace and the constancy of happiness I experience. I have a great life. I spend my day giving thanks and marveling at all He’s done and the numerous opportunities I’ve been given.

I don’t allow myself to be drawn into relationships like that anymore. I’m intentional and prayerful about all connections now. And they’re better as a result.

Many Christians are burdening one another with troubles that require professional counseling or therapy. I am neither, nor has the Lord called me to that role. I stick with my mission.

I sometimes wonder if these people are sent by the enemy to try to bring us down or distract us away from helping someone in real need.

The feeling of guilt (like I am being selfish for abandoning the person and enjoying my peace) is such a difficult element for me to overcome. But maybe it is even in the best interest of that person that I distance myself, so that she can have an opportunity to seek God instead of my attention.
 
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bèlla

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I sometimes wonder if these people are sent by the enemy to try to bring us down or distract us away from helping someone in real need.

I think he sends distractions for certain. But I’ve learned to reel myself in. I must exercise discernment too.

The feeling of guilt (like I am being selfish for abandoning the person and enjoying my peace) is such a difficult element for me to overcome. But maybe it is even in the best interest of that person that I distance myself, so that she can have an opportunity to seek God instead of my attention.

Do you remember your response in the other thread? What would you tell yourself?

Only God can fix broken people. We can’t. And some don’t want His assistance. They desire human engagement even if it costs the other person. Feeding their need is more important. Sound familiar? ~hug
 
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Many Christians are burdening one another with troubles that require professional counseling or therapy. I am neither, nor has the Lord called me to that role. I stick with my mission.

You hit the nail on the head there.

I sometimes wonder if these people are sent by the enemy to try to bring us down or distract us away from helping someone in real need.

The feeling of guilt (like I am being selfish for abandoning the person and enjoying my peace) is such a difficult element for me to overcome. But maybe it is even in the best interest of that person that I distance myself, so that she can have an opportunity to seek God instead of my attention.

There is a positive to this...should the occasion arise that you come across someone else in this situation, you now have more wisdom in counseling and encouraging them.

You make a great point, too...in that she needs to seek God. Sometimes, our trials aren't even about US, even though it feels like it! It's about the other person needing God and through our distancing, we can only hope they find it.
 
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Joined2krist

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Well, since she keeps coming to you for advice it means she's humble enough to seek counsel but not strong enough to resist whatever the problem she's going through. We are to help one another, so there's no time you should stop helping her. Continue praying for her and direct her to seek counsel and prayer from other sources like your Pastor or Priest. God bless
 
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