I think I know what the problem is...

GodsGrace101

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What I've learned is God doesn't always supply stuff like that directly, but I know He probably was going to provide me with a better job at some point. One other detail that I didn't divulge in the original post was that He was in the process of answering my prayers for a better job that was more flexible around my school schedule...that summer, I'd gotten a new phone and at one point had this pressing thought that I needed to figure out how to get into my voicemail on it so that if any jobs wanted to offer me a position and I missed the phone call, I could get back to them later. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I ended up forgetting about it and brushing it aside for some reason. I ended up getting locked out of my voicemail on this phone and when I managed to get into it after the whole fiasco happened, I found out that I had two job offers that would have been perfect with my schedule. And I later realized that even if I'd missed them, it would probably have even been better that I didn't work that first semester coming back to school because it was a BUSY semester...concerts, papers, homework, church...and as far as money, I had enough saved up from working that I was able to pay for the fall semester all in cash in one big chunk and even had about $1500 leftover from unused vacation time that I would have gotten paid back to me in one big check if I'd quit my job that would have paid for gas, food, other expenses...I just thought that if I didn't have the whole year upfront that God would punish me.....catastrophic thinking and trying to be three steps ahead...I literally messed this WHOLE thing up...

And the reality that I might not ever get another chance hurts mainly because I didn't choose to reject what God had for me because I didn't want it...I wanted it very badly, but felt like I couldn't have it unless I did certain things on my end to make myself good enough to have it...somewhere along the lines, wires got crossed. I didn't mean for this to happen...

I don't mean to sound argumentative and I'm really not trying to. Just giving all the details I can so the picture can be as clear as possible.
You don't have to be good enough to have what God has for you.

You know, Christianity is like a source.
It plugs into Jesus. If you're plugged in you know what God would want for you if He could plainly speak to you. He wants what's good and right.

I think you have God tooooo involved in your life.
This may sound strange, but yes, you missed your voice mail because you forgot it and missed it. You should keep God out of stuff like that.

You could use that power line to God by transforming your mind as it says in Romans. Think more positively, don't feel like you're so different from everyone else. I'm a lot older than you...I cannot blame God for any problem I've had in life.

Look to Him for the strength you need to face what you have to. But realize that YOU are maneuvering your life...God is not directing every decision you make.

You seem to rely too much on your feelings...
Just do your best and try to be happy with yourself. It sounds like you're doing a lot of right things, concentrate on those.
 
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turkle

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I've read a few of your posts and got a little lost in all the detail... the big mistake you made was to quit your job to focus on school...is that right?

That aside, I think one of the things you are missing is that walking with God is not about fear of punishment. It is about faith. Jesus gave us grace. He knows that we will blow it, over and over, and He calls us to repent (turn away from wrong thinking and behaviors) and come back to Him and His way. He wants our full trust and faith, since without faith it is impossible to please Him. But He gives us grace because we are only flesh. He is a good Father.

Those of us who were raised by abusive fathers (mine was horribly violent, and my husband's father sexually, physically and emotionally abused him) have a tendency to see God as similar to our own fathers. If we had to "earn" our earthly father's favor, or just try to keep him from hurting us, it is natural that we think that God is the same way. Especially for you, having been part of what is obviously a church with false teaching.

God gives us hundreds of chances. But we all go through difficult times. Most of the difficulty is a consequence of our own choices, but God uses our pain to grow us. I am older now, and I have gone through several seasons of tremendous difficulty: my violent father, my narcissistic mother, living in a country where I didn't speak the language nor understand the culture at first, the death of a child and complete financial ruin. I am actually coming out of another extremely difficult season right now.

Having survived all of that I know one thing: If I submit to God fully and allow Him to teach me what I need to learn through the pain, then I come out the other side with indescribable blessing; I have HIM. I am close to Him and experience His grace. But if I choose to hold on to wrong thinking, and try to do things my way instead of seeking Him, I will create a mess and the inevitable consequences. I have done it both ways, and I will never go my own way again. Even in my current situation, God reveals Himself to me all the time and I am unspeakably blessed as I walk yoked to Him. My burden is much lighter than if I tried to go my own way, just as He promised.

It sounds to me like you are so focused on the past that you are unable to move forward. I think you should take heed of what Paul said in Phil 3.13b-14: But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Countless people in the Bible went through times of difficulty. Abraham and Moses had to wait years to do what God called them to do. So did Joseph and David. All of them sinned, but God raised them up. Paul was a religious leader who thought he was Godly until he realized he had it all wrong when he met Jesus. He went on to write half the New Testament.

I serve women in prison who have committed crimes that will most likely keep them in prison for life. They struggle as you do, sometimes for a very long time, until they finally develop a relationship with God as He really is, not the God they thought He was. They come to understand that they are forgiven, and that is why Jesus died for them. When they understand that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ (Rom 8.1), they are set free from the bondage of their own minds. They will still have the consequences of their actions, but they are renewed in the knowledge of their Creator (Col 3.10). They may not be living out their original dreams, but God gives them a new mission where they are, and they rejoice. You can do the same.

Please learn what grace is, and take it in deep within your spirit. Jesus forgave the criminal on the cross next to Him. It is important to renew your mind and remove the old belief that you have to live in fear of punishment, and know that God loves you, died for you, and is waiting for you to return to Him with your whole heart, trusting in His ways that are much higher than yours. I promise that you won't regret it.
 
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Emerald518

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I've read a few of your posts and got a little lost in all the detail... the big mistake you made was to quit your job to focus on school...is that right?

That aside, I think one of the things you are missing is that walking with God is not about fear of punishment. It is about faith. Jesus gave us grace. He knows that we will blow it, over and over, and He calls us to repent (turn away from wrong thinking and behaviors) and come back to Him and His way. He wants our full trust and faith, since without faith it is impossible to please Him. But He gives us grace because we are only flesh. He is a good Father.

Those of us who were raised by abusive fathers (mine was horribly violent, and my husband's father sexually, physically and emotionally abused him) have a tendency to see God as similar to our own fathers. If we had to "earn" our earthly father's favor, or just try to keep him from hurting us, it is natural that we think that God is the same way. Especially for you, having been part of what is obviously a church with false teaching.

God gives us hundreds of chances. But we all go through difficult times. Most of the difficulty is a consequence of our own choices, but God uses our pain to grow us. I am older now, and I have gone through several seasons of tremendous difficulty: my violent father, my narcissistic mother, living in a country where I didn't speak the language nor understand the culture at first, the death of a child and complete financial ruin. I am actually coming out of another extremely difficult season right now.

Having survived all of that I know one thing: If I submit to God fully and allow Him to teach me what I need to learn through the pain, then I come out the other side with indescribable blessing; I have HIM. I am close to Him and experience His grace. But if I choose to hold on to wrong thinking, and try to do things my way instead of seeking Him, I will create a mess and the inevitable consequences. I have done it both ways, and I will never go my own way again. Even in my current situation, God reveals Himself to me all the time and I am unspeakably blessed as I walk yoked to Him. My burden is much lighter than if I tried to go my own way, just as He promised.

It sounds to me like you are so focused on the past that you are unable to move forward. I think you should take heed of what Paul said in Phil 3.13b-14: But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Countless people in the Bible went through times of difficulty. Abraham and Moses had to wait years to do what God called them to do. So did Joseph and David. All of them sinned, but God raised them up. Paul was a religious leader who thought he was Godly until he realized he had it all wrong when he met Jesus. He went on to write half the New Testament.

I serve women in prison who have committed crimes that will most likely keep them in prison for life. They struggle as you do, sometimes for a very long time, until they finally develop a relationship with God as He really is, not the God they thought He was. They come to understand that they are forgiven, and that is why Jesus died for them. When they understand that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ (Rom 8.1), they are set free from the bondage of their own minds. They will still have the consequences of their actions, but they are renewed in the knowledge of their Creator (Col 3.10). They may not be living out their original dreams, but God gives them a new mission where they are, and they rejoice. You can do the same.

Please learn what grace is, and take it in deep within your spirit. Jesus forgave the criminal on the cross next to Him. It is important to renew your mind and remove the old belief that you have to live in fear of punishment, and know that God loves you, died for you, and is waiting for you to return to Him with your whole heart, trusting in His ways that are much higher than yours. I promise that you won't regret it.


You're exactly right about me trying to protect myself. I did think that God was going to hurt me if I just let myself do what I wanted and quit working to focus on school, which I know now looking back was what He wanted me to do. I don't know why I was so scared to do it.

I think about that scripture quite often and it makes me so freaking angry that God could just want me to waltz away from all of what happened and let go of what I missed as if it meant nothing to me, because it was literally the best thing to ever happen to me in all my life and probably the only good thing that had ever happened to me. I waited so long for it and then when all of this happened......I don't know and can't explain it. I don't think I did anything on purpose, it was just kind of an automatic reaction based on past fears and very deep trauma, but I am so angry that God just let all of that happen and didn't do more to stop me if He knew what I was doing wasn't healthy and incredibly self-destructive....it makes me honestly so angry that this all happened that I can honestly say I hate Him for allowing it and then deciding to take it away from me and make me give it up forever. I don't believe He was right to do what He did and what He did in taking it away or letting me ruin my own life was not good, whether it was to let me learn or not and I refuse to call something so painful and hurtful good. I used to love God even if I was terrified of Him at the same time and now I absolutely hate Him for what I think He wants to do. If He were a person standing right in front of me, I'd beat the living crap out of Him for hurting me so much...I don't know why I'm so angry...

If God is so gracious, why did he rip everything away from me for making the mistake that I made, and if He didn't, why won't He give it back if it's what He promised me I would get to do? If God is so merciful, why did He not hesitate to slam the door in my face on all of that even after I realized that I made the mistake that I did and tried to correct it? How could God take all of that away from me and cause so much more pain in my life knowing the pain that I'd already been through and that everything I did was the product of all of that pain? How could God care so little about something that meant so much to me and how could He rip it all away from me knowing how much I wanted it? If God is so merciful, why didn't He just say, "it's ok, you got some things wrong, but now you know better and I'm going to let you have this?" How could God slam me with such deep and agonizing consequences just because I stumbled and didn't do everything in that perfectly right? I didn't do the things I did because I didn't want His blessings....I did them because like you said, I was afraid of punishment because I'd never been allowed to have anything I wanted before without having to suffer for it...how could God choose to take all of that way from me knowing that this was the reason why I chose not to do what I wanted? I feel like God was too harsh in how he dealt with me back there and that He dangled all of that in front of me like a carrot on a string and then yanked it away....and how could God see what I did as something so bad that he had to punish me by taking everything away when I didn't even do it because I wanted to do something wrong....I didn't intentionally choose to sin against Him or disobey His word by doing what I did and I honestly believed that I was doing what was righteous and being obedient to scripture....how could God punish me for that by taking all of that away? I feel like I've honestly been played I've been treated badly my whole life by people who should have done the opposite and I'm not going to let God do the same thing to me too....screw Him.
 
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Dave G.

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You made a poor choice I gather. Now you blame God. Telling Him to go screw is another bad choice. What God wants from us is to be about conforming to His ways and spreading His word. You can do that in work or in school. God stays pretty silent when we are not about His business and everything is about us.
 
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Martyr's Crown

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This is one part which is very encouraging, although it may not seem this way whilst you are still struggling.

Hebrews 12:4-12 New International Version (NIV)
God Disciplines His Children
4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.

5 And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

7 For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live!10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.

Our view of goodness is so different from what God sees as good for us. We have a tainted view of goodness which, whether we like to admit it or not, is very influenced by this world's standards. But God sees our hearts and He knows of every sins we have made and still will make. He also knows of family's past sins which will also be a part of our influence when growing up, which is needed to be healed and broken down by Him. We get born, grow up, and are mostly very unaware of all of this, we are not unaware of what we see happening to us. Although everything goes much much deeper than this. And this is also what God is working on with our lives, so that we will be repaired, cleansed and made prepared for holiness. We are also meant to be set apart from the world, all for His glory!

The process isn't easy, but we weren't promised that it would be easy following Jesus, He warned us that we would be persecuted for our faith in Him as well as we would have trials. I don't think it was easy for Jesus either with everything He had to endure before getting crucified and then dying on the cross for us with all of our sins put over Him, and then feeling forsaken by His own Father! But still, He didn't give up, and He chose doing this for us all! And once this all was done, He got glorified through this all before the Father! And by everything we go through of any trials which He allows for us to endure, Jesus Christ will be glorified through this all too!

I hope you will feel encouraged by this, if not now, then later on. When you have managed growing more and getting more healed as well as more free'd out in Jesus Christ's Name! I will also pray for you.

Just keep in mind, that anything God has in mind for you, He won't take it away from you as easily. And any mistakes you have done as well as will still do, He knows of these. These are also part of His way of working through in you. You just need to continue trusting in God, and trusting in Him still wanting to have you in His plan which He has intended for you. As God doesn't give up so easily on you, keep this too in mind! He loves you very much, and wants only the best for you!

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
 
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Dave G.

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Also, He owes us nothing. In fact we have a situation where He provided eternal life for us who trust and believe and follow the ways of His Son. That we could say is enough and anything more coming our way in this life is pure icing on the cake ( and He can and will make provisions as we faithfully follow, there also will be tribulation in this life). Our true identity is now in Him, our eternal life with Him, and this life as much as vapor. Everything we do on earth, as short as this stay is compared with our eternal lives, has a direct impact on our positions with Him in the next life and possibly only spill off in this life. There is a judgement coming on us one day but we will not be tossed into the lake of fire as the non believers will.

We should be living this life with our heads looking up towards heaven. It is there our rewards await and are being stored up for us. Do we love Him and did we learn to love our neighbors as ourselves ? These things will be paramount later on. His ways are not our ways and His time is not our time. We think here and now and step by step we judge how something looks, while He sees all steps combined a billion + decades forward and back all at once. Who are we to say anything much less in judgement of one so powerful who really only loves us ! Why would He bother but yet He does. Amazing God worthy of worship with no questions asked as to why this or why that. Thank you Lord for this day. As we walk forward and get gray and old and worn we can look back over the decades that have passed and see how true it is, "we never once walked alone". Ya know, some things are meant to be and some things not meant to be for each of us but we can rest in the Lord and trust in Him always.
 
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Emerald518

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Also, He owes us nothing. In fact we have a situation where He provided eternal life for us who trust and believe and follow the ways of His Son. That we could say is enough and anything more coming our way in this life is pure icing on the cake ( and He can and will make provisions as we faithfully follow, there also will be tribulation in this life). Our true identity is now in Him, our eternal life with Him, and this life as much as vapor. Everything we do on earth, as short as this stay is compared with our eternal lives, has a direct impact on our positions with Him in the next life and possibly only spill off in this life. There is a judgement coming on us one day but we will not be tossed into the lake of fire as the non believers will.

We should be living this life with our heads looking up towards heaven. It is there our rewards await and are being stored up for us. Do we love Him and did we learn to love our neighbors as ourselves ? These things will be paramount later on. His ways are not our ways and His time is not our time. We think here and now and step by step we judge how something looks, while He sees all steps combined a billion + decades forward and back all at once. Who are we to say anything much less in judgement of one so powerful who really only loves us ! Why would He bother but yet He does. Amazing God worthy of worship with no questions asked as to why this or why that. Thank you Lord for this day. As we walk forward and get gray and old and worn we can look back over the decades that have passed and see how true it is, "we never once walked alone". Ya know, some things are meant to be and some things not meant to be for each of us but we can rest in the Lord and trust in Him always.

I have to respectfully concur with you on several things in your reply. Yes, I did make a poor choice and I'm not denying that I did, but I do disagree with the assumption that I did it out of malice as it seems to be implied here.

I had never known God or anyone in some sort of fatherly position over me as anything other than abusive and someone who couldn't wait to hurt me before all of this happened. My own father was abusive and then the church I was in before I got baptized was incredibly spiritually abusive. After I came out of all of that and got to the other side of that monstrosity, I was still absolutely terrified that God wouldn't hesitate to punish me in the worst way possible or otherwise hurt me if I did even the tiniest thing that He didn't like, whether or not it was sinful. I knew what the Bible said about taking out debt, that it was not a good thing to do and because of this and Romans 14 thought that even if taking out debt to pay for school wasn't an explicit sin for all believers, God was designating it as a sin for me specifically. I thought that if I did what I wanted and quit working to just focus on school, something that I now know He placed on my heart to do but was too afraid to take a chance on at the time because it didn't seem to add up to what scripture was saying, that God would punish me or otherwise bring some sort of disaster and calamity on my life for it and after what I had been through in my old church, I was completely and utterly terrified and too terrified to take the step that I needed to take.

God knew that I was scared and he knew why....He knew that my past and everything I'd gone through was so traumatic that it was next to impossible for me to move past all of the residual fears and reminders. I had NEVER been shown love and kindness like that, only anger and hate and abuse and was terrified of letting my guard down and having things like that happen to me again with Him because I knew that God was just as capable if not more capable of hurting me like that and even capable of worse because of how much power He has and how much He hates sin and unrighteousness. I believed I was making a wise, scriptural choice by continuing to work so I could avoid debt or any chance of me having to take some out by doing so and that I was guaranteeing that God would be pleased with me and would spare me of being punished because He would be pleased with me. My anger comes from the fact that God knew why I was scared, God knew why I made the choices that I made, God knew I was hurt and afraid of being hurt again, yet instead of going easy on me, He slammed me with the worst possible consequences and ripped everything away from me just because I didn't do things perfectly right...He did exactly what I feared He would do and hurt me because I did something He didn't like and I feel so betrayed. I thought I was safe with Him, I thought things would be different, but they weren't...in fact, they were worse than anything that had ever hurt me in the past. I don't understand how what I did and why was so bad in God's eyes that He had to hurt me like that and I'm also getting mixed messages in this as well....God says I don't have to be perfect and I don't have to be good enough for the things He wants to give me, yet He turns right around and rips everything away from me for not getting things perfectly right the first time. I've had enough...
 
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Dave G.

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Well Em518, I see God another way in your life. One who can and will come along side you to support and love you in spite of any mistake made. But you have to trust in Him. Ya know it's a lie from the pit of hell you are suckered into by the deceiver to believe that our heavenly Father wants to hurt you. He loves you more than any of us can even comprehend. Believe that and tell the serpent, by way of the name of Christ, to go back to that pit where he belongs.

We are/ can be victims of our circumstances and while God may or may not be quiet in that, He is none the less there. And the way out is walking with Him not against Him. It's the deceiver that points you to the very same pit he lives in, points out every mistake you ever made, points out every injustice that was ever done to you. You have free volition, God didn't make you do anything but the whirl pool of thoughts you are having towards Him certainly don't come from Him either. There is another trickster who is great at pointing you in that direction and don't think that darkness isn't at work. Trust God, believe God and that He loves you.
 
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Emerald518

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Well Em518, I see God another way in your life. One who can and will come along side you to support and love you in spite of any mistake made. But you have to trust in Him. Ya know it's a lie from the pit of hell you are suckered into by the deceiver to believe that our heavenly Father wants to hurt you. He loves you more than any of us can even comprehend. Believe that and tell the serpent, by way of the name of Christ, to go back to that pit where he belongs.

We are/ can be victims of our circumstances and while God may or may not be quiet in that, He is none the less there. And the way out is walking with Him not against Him. It's the deceiver that points you to the very same pit he lives in, points out every mistake you ever made, points out every injustice that was ever done to you. You have free volition, God didn't make you do anything but the whirl pool of thoughts you are having towards Him certainly don't come from Him either. There is another trickster who is great at pointing you in that direction and don't think that darkness isn't at work. Trust God, believe God and that He loves you.

Even if God does love me, all of that is completely overshadowed by what happened and what I'm sure He wants to do. He's never come out directly and said it, but I am so scared that if I come back to Him, I'm going to find that He has taken away the things He originally called me to forever. I didn't mean to do what I did and even in the throes of making that choice, I was desperate not to do it and forced myself to. I thought, "I don't want to do what I think I'm being told to do, but God calls me to self-denial and if I love Him, then I'll do what He wants me to do even if I'm desperate not to do it". I got really angry because I was heartbroken thinking I had to do all of that and the fear of punishment came out of nowhere, swallowed me up and I was so freaked out that I could barely think straight. God showed me back in January of 2018 that the biggest reason I did what I did was because in my heart, I didn't believe that I was good enough to have what He wanted for me and that I thought I had to be good enough to take it...I don't understand how God could still take all of that away from me knowing why I believed that (having to earn approval all my life and being expected to meet unrealistic expectations by people who hurt me) and despite knowing that I was just starting to learn that I didn't have to be that way...I am confident that God is going to take it all away and uncall me from what He originally wanted and that makes the hurt so much worse...I just can't take it...
 
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Dave G.

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God is for you not against you. The lie of all this that is going on is welling up from within you do to your life experiences and then fed by the enemy, not God. That's what I'm seeing here.

God through His Son Jesus Christ is your friend and ever present help but your life experiences fed by the enemy has turned Him into your enemy. You're reading far too much into this. Just a suggestion here but maybe try just living life with no particular expectation, put your faith and trust into Jesus Christ, tell Him ( Jesus, specifically speak to Jesus) you are trusting Him and leave it at that. Don't try to read into your life what God is doing or not doing in the background. He is an all powerful God but we who are joint heirs with Jesus don't live under the old testament wrath today. Again, He is for us not against us who are in Christ Jesus. Outside the fold of Jesus you become unprotected and it's as if there is a target on your back, a big magnet for the enemy's fiery darts to hit you from all directions and that enemy is the best of liars. This is feeding your confusion. Come under the umbrella of Jesus Christ's wings and live in our age of grace with Him. He watches over His flock and goes out of His way to seek a stray because He loves that stray as much as all the rest. Jesus has compassion, when you weep He weeps. I wish you could believe this. I'm so sorry you hurt, I'm sorry you have been abused in your life, I wish that were not so but Jesus Christ is your answer just as sure as I'm typing this. His grace and His mercy are boundless.
 
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Emerald518

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God is for you not against you. The lie of all this that is going on is welling up from within you do to your life experiences and then fed by the enemy, not God. That's what I'm seeing here.

God through His Son Jesus Christ is your friend and ever present help but your life experiences fed by the enemy has turned Him into your enemy. You're reading far too much into this. Just a suggestion here but maybe try just living life with no particular expectation, put your faith and trust into Jesus Christ, tell Him ( Jesus, specifically speak to Jesus) you are trusting Him and leave it at that. Don't try to read into your life what God is doing or not doing in the background. He is an all powerful God but we who are joint heirs with Jesus don't live under the old testament wrath today. Again, He is for us not against us who are in Christ Jesus. Outside the fold of Jesus you become unprotected and it's as if there is a target on your back, a big magnet for the enemy's fiery darts to hit you from all directions and that enemy is the best of liars. This is feeding your confusion. Come under the umbrella of Jesus Christ's wings and live in our age of grace with Him. He watches over His flock and goes out of His way to seek a stray because He loves that stray as much as all the rest. Jesus has compassion, when you weep He weeps. I wish you could believe this. I'm so sorry you hurt, I'm sorry you have been abused in your life, I wish that were not so but Jesus Christ is your answer just as sure as I'm typing this. His grace and His mercy are boundless.


Again, I'm not trying to argue with you on all of this because this has helped me a little, but there are a few things I know that still have me tied up and holding back...

Yes, God is for me and not against me, but I also know that God allows things that He hates to happen to us in order to accomplish His purposes and that He promises suffering in this life...He will even purposely bring trials into our lives. Just because God is for us and not against us doesn't mean that He won't hurt us even if it is for our own good and I imagine that if I were to come back to Him, my worst fears will be realized...and I think the likelihood of that happening is nearly 100% if not because now that I've done the things that I have, God has every reason to do it to me....He has the ammo of it being the logical outcome of my choice and choosing not to intervene in how things play out and He also has the ammo of the fact that I chose to do what I did despite Him telling me not to regardless of my state of mind at the time. I know that with God there are NO excuses and even if we don't mean to do something evil, we will still have done something evil whether we meant to or not because our hearts are evil and corrupt and we are evil and corrupt, and God knows that. Even if we didn't mean it, God overrides us and declares that we did mean it and then punishes our sin. In fact, God doesn't even need a reason to do the things He could do to us, just like He doesn't need a reason to take something away from me...He could decide to not reinstate all of that or give me another chance just because, and He never says that we will get another chance at missed opportunities like this...

I know that I'm still trying to protect myself from Him, but I honestly believe that I have every good reason to do so because even though I have no definite proof of it, I just know that if I come back to Him, He is going to hurt me and bring my worst fears on me whether He does so compassionately or angrily. It's unavoidable and wish there were any way to get God to change His mind. All of this has not yet been resolved and the penalty has not been paid, nor the page turned and when God does whatever He's going to do to me, it will finally pay what is owed for all of that and atone for it...and it's on my back...He will hurt me, I guarantee that much...there is just too much up in the air.

When everything happened, it was like I flipped a switch on my life. I went from having the best of everything, to now having the worst of everything. It's a conundrum to make sense of...God forgives me sins, yet my sins now cause a chain of events that are the absolute worst of every situation and God now uses the past to determine the future? God forgives me but now says, "I wanted this to happen, but now that this has happened, that is out of the question"...again, I feel like I'm getting mixed messages...God forgives, yet uses this to determine the course of the rest of my life and even exclude or disqualify me from certain things?

I wish I had never made the wrong turn that I made back there because now I'm permanently stuck on this road, but at the same time, I wish God hadn't decided to do what He did to me...
 
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Dave G.

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Emerald, the penalties for our sins were paid at the cross for those who are in Christ. The minute you confess and turn back to Jesus Christ your relationship is restored. Being away from Him as you seem to be now, your fellowship with Him is broken. How can that possibly do you any good ?

As to worldly matters and can things be as they were before in this life, maybe not. But then again He can turn all things around for good can't He ? He says He can. Maybe there is a better life for you, certainly just peace alone will be a better life won't it ? Better than now. Emerald you're terrified, hurt and unsure of your path. But there are natural responses to mistake we make in this world too, the world system reacts, that isn't God, it's the worldly reaction to a mistake. on the other hand suppose there is a trial from God, isn't He powerful enough and enough of a good shepherd to also bring us through it if we stick with Him ?

You need to do a little studying on the grace side of the cross I think. I know I'm saying a lot to a person I don't really know but the sense I'm picking up from you is a lot of condemnation. Condemnation in a saved persons life is not from God. Conviction perhaps and to that we know to draw nearer not further away.
 
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Emerald518

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Emerald, the penalties for our sins were paid at the cross for those who are in Christ. The minute you confess and turn back to Jesus Christ your relationship is restored. Being away from Him as you seem to be now, your fellowship with Him is broken. How can that possibly do you any good ?

As to worldly matters and can things be as they were before in this life, maybe not. But then again He can turn all things around for good can't He ? He says He can. Maybe there is a better life for you, certainly just peace alone will be a better life won't it ? Better than now. Emerald you're terrified, hurt and unsure of your path. But there are natural responses to mistake we make in this world too, the world system reacts, that isn't God, it's the worldly reaction to a mistake. on the other hand suppose there is a trial from God, isn't He powerful enough and enough of a good shepherd to also bring us through it if we stick with Him ?

You need to do a little studying on the grace side of the cross I think. I know I'm saying a lot to a person I don't really know but the sense I'm picking up from you is a lot of condemnation. Condemnation in a saved persons life is not from God. Conviction perhaps and to that we know to draw nearer not further away.


Last night I did a lot of thinking, and I think for the first time since all of this happened, I'm able to actually take responsibility for what happened and can say that I chose to do it. I remember feeling peace about doing what I wanted to do, but still choosing the turmoil because I thought that peace was me telling myself what I wanted to hear and not God wanting me to do something...I didn't understand before how me believing I wasn't good enough for all of that came into play, but now I see it more clearly than I did. It could very well be from what I endured growing up and into adulthood, but I've always had this inner "compulsion" to treat myself badly and even torture myself and that's exactly what I did back there...tortured myself by not letting myself have what was clearly intended for me. I guess maybe I thought if I punished myself, then God wouldn't punish me because the requirement will already be fulfilled...God was rooting for me the entire time...

I guess I saw Him as my enemy after what happened and I don't know where that twisted narrative came from, but probably because the fallout of what happened came to be. I don't know, I guess I thought God would still let me walk through that door even after I realized the mistakes that were made and when He didn't, it really hurt. That's the part that I still can't get over and it hurts even more that He has made things so that we can't get lost opportunities back. Yes, I know that something else will come along and yes, I know that it's just the way things have to be and I'm going to have to say "oh well" and move along, but as wonderful and perfect as it was back there (and trust me, it was), it's hard not to beat yourself up and be sad...I wish things didn't have to be this way.
 
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Dave G.

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Last night I did a lot of thinking, and I think for the first time since all of this happened, I'm able to actually take responsibility for what happened and can say that I chose to do it.

Awesome Em. That's a very big step for you I think. Turn to Him and let Him work in your life, you maybe didn't reason what you did on your own totally, God may be already working in you. You need to trust Him. Tell Him what you told us. I pray He brings you out of this, literally, I just prayed that before typing. Don't Stop Now LOL!
 
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Robert Sands

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God in short the reason that I’m having trouble coming back to You is because I don’t trust Your plan for me after all of this and I’m afraid that I’m going to end up hurt and disappointed just like I was four years ago when all of this happened. And I’m afraid of You, too. I remember two summers ago when You came down and touched me and revealed Yourself to me one day at home after a counseling session, and I was deathly terrified of Your presence…I am still that way now because all I can remember and think about when I do feel the Spirit is what happened and all of the trauma of losing what You gave me and for other reasons I don’t really know. I want to come home and God I ask that You would help me get to where I can come home, but Lord these are my roadblocks to doing it and I can’t get around them. Or maybe I just don’t want to…I don’t know…I’m scared…"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Hi Emerald. I am new here, and just saw your last message, so I am not sure what went on before. But whatever the original problem was, we know that our experiences, good or bad, have a commonality among us regardless of the specifics. In short, you made a decision to serve our Father, and things went awry, causing you to not trust our Father. Twenty years ago, I made a similar decision, and what followed has been a decades long nightmare, a battle I must fight everyday. Can I ever give up? No. Do I regret my decision? No.
This is a little of what I have learned.
We, all people, all live in two realities, the natural and the spiritual (supernatural). We begin life living in darkness. When we are "born again" (literally in Grk "born from above"), we enter a new realm, of which we are totally ignorant. We are exactly what Jesus inferred - we are infants in this new life. Like any new born baby in the natural realm, we enter the the spiritual realm with a touch of light in this new, strange Life. Hopefully we have experienced spiritual parents to guide us in this new journey. The Life Christ gives us, first and last, is a spiritual life. The rules we learned in our natural life do not apply in this new adventure.
We often consider our new birth is accompanied by all sorts of knowledge, gifts, and blessings automatically being ours. But imagine a baby coming from womb's darkness into a completely different place of light and other strange phenomena. Some things come naturally built into us. We know to cry when we are in need and how to take nourishment, and we know little beyond that. A long period of learning and growth follows. Being born from above is no different. But, because we have knowledge in the natural realm, we often think that knowledge can be applied to the spiritual. It can not. Even worse, to apply natural knowledge to the new life is actually destructive. Quoting our Father, Hosea said, "For lack of knowledge My people perish." Similarly Isaiah said, "For lack of knowledge, My people go into captivity."
Though being born from above and having the Life of Christ, entering my deeply spiritual life, I finally realized I was in this midst of death and captivity. But in many ways, my natural life was much better then, much like a slave provided with the basics of food, clothing, and shelter, sort of living the good life, in my ignorance of the spiritual life, my life in the natural realm was pretty decent in natural terms.
In time I had my own nameless crisis, just as all Christians have. And unlike never before I desperately needed my Father. But in my ignorance He was no where to be found. Going to church, being baptized, "winning souls", giving to the church was not enough. Thankfully, as absolutely spiritually ignorant as I was, my Father touched me with the understanding that I was missing something more.
When I followed His call into this pursuit, everything changed dramatically. It did not get better, but worse. Battle after battle was thrown into my path. I had two choices. To give up and remain in the darkness with which I was familiar and understood, or press into the spiritual reality being revealed to me. I could not accept the natural flow of life once I saw clearly the promises.
Jesus explained, "The thief does not come except to steal, and kill, and destroy. I came that they may have life and may have it abundantly. I am the Good Shepherd! The Good Shepherd lays down His life on behalf of the sheep" ~ John 10:11.
In our spiritual relationship with our Father, we must grow, we must learn, and we must obey. In time Jesus will share with us the same authority and power He gave His disciples to do His Father's work (Matthew 10, John 17).
Jesus also warned us that just as He, the Master was persecuted, so will His servants be persecuted. Isaiah also eloquently explained the reason why:
Behold, I have refined you, but not like silver; I have chosen you out of the crucible of affliction ~Isaiah 48:10

Emerald, you must not only see our Father is trustworthy, but you must also see that you made a costly decision, and right or wrong you made that decision out of your love for Him. And because of that He has chosen you in the only way He can choice His choice servants to become His beloved sons and daughters.
His only begotten Son went through the same process. He loves you no less than He loves His own Son (carefully read John 17).
I am proud of you. You are blessed.
 
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Emerald518

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~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Hi Emerald. I am new here, and just saw your last message, so I am not sure what went on before. But whatever the original problem was, we know that our experiences, good or bad, have a commonality among us regardless of the specifics. In short, you made a decision to serve our Father, and things went awry, causing you to not trust our Father. Twenty years ago, I made a similar decision, and what followed has been a decades long nightmare, a battle I must fight everyday. Can I ever give up? No. Do I regret my decision? No.
This is a little of what I have learned.
We, all people, all live in two realities, the natural and the spiritual (supernatural). We begin life living in darkness. When we are "born again" (literally in Grk "born from above"), we enter a new realm, of which we are totally ignorant. We are exactly what Jesus inferred - we are infants in this new life. Like any new born baby in the natural realm, we enter the the spiritual realm with a touch of light in this new, strange Life. Hopefully we have experienced spiritual parents to guide us in this new journey. The Life Christ gives us, first and last, is a spiritual life. The rules we learned in our natural life do not apply in this new adventure.
We often consider our new birth is accompanied by all sorts of knowledge, gifts, and blessings automatically being ours. But imagine a baby coming from womb's darkness into a completely different place of light and other strange phenomena. Some things come naturally built into us. We know to cry when we are in need and how to take nourishment, and we know little beyond that. A long period of learning and growth follows. Being born from above is no different. But, because we have knowledge in the natural realm, we often think that knowledge can be applied to the spiritual. It can not. Even worse, to apply natural knowledge to the new life is actually destructive. Quoting our Father, Hosea said, "For lack of knowledge My people perish." Similarly Isaiah said, "For lack of knowledge, My people go into captivity."
Though being born from above and having the Life of Christ, entering my deeply spiritual life, I finally realized I was in this midst of death and captivity. But in many ways, my natural life was much better then, much like a slave provided with the basics of food, clothing, and shelter, sort of living the good life, in my ignorance of the spiritual life, my life in the natural realm was pretty decent in natural terms.
In time I had my own nameless crisis, just as all Christians have. And unlike never before I desperately needed my Father. But in my ignorance He was no where to be found. Going to church, being baptized, "winning souls", giving to the church was not enough. Thankfully, as absolutely spiritually ignorant as I was, my Father touched me with the understanding that I was missing something more.
When I followed His call into this pursuit, everything changed dramatically. It did not get better, but worse. Battle after battle was thrown into my path. I had two choices. To give up and remain in the darkness with which I was familiar and understood, or press into the spiritual reality being revealed to me. I could not accept the natural flow of life once I saw clearly the promises.
Jesus explained, "The thief does not come except to steal, and kill, and destroy. I came that they may have life and may have it abundantly. I am the Good Shepherd! The Good Shepherd lays down His life on behalf of the sheep" ~ John 10:11.
In our spiritual relationship with our Father, we must grow, we must learn, and we must obey. In time Jesus will share with us the same authority and power He gave His disciples to do His Father's work (Matthew 10, John 17).
Jesus also warned us that just as He, the Master was persecuted, so will His servants be persecuted. Isaiah also eloquently explained the reason why:
Behold, I have refined you, but not like silver; I have chosen you out of the crucible of affliction ~Isaiah 48:10

Emerald, you must not only see our Father is trustworthy, but you must also see that you made a costly decision, and right or wrong you made that decision out of your love for Him. And because of that He has chosen you in the only way He can choice His choice servants to become His beloved sons and daughters.
His only begotten Son went through the same process. He loves you no less than He loves His own Son (carefully read John 17).
I am proud of you. You are blessed.

Hi and thank you for commenting. I hope you don't mind me giving you a brief summary of what happened just to put some things in perspective…

I grew up with an abusive father who expected me to be perfect and then when I decided to have a relationship with God when I was 19 years old, I went into a church that turned out to be incredibly spiritually abusive. Before I went into it, I knew next to nothing about Christianity and when I was told by someone in this church that "God wanted me there", I went in not knowing what I was getting into.

I've always had a very terrible view of myself, that I wasn't good enough and that I deserved to be punished and abused just because of who I was and that I didn't deserve anything good...if anything good came my way, I thought the only way I could have it was if I suffered for having it as some sort of "penalty" to "pay my dues". Because of this, I thought there was no way that God could ever love me or do anything but treat me badly and condemn me just like all of the people in my life leading up to that did and despite the good things He did do for me, I couldn't shake the belief that God would end up hurting me if I got close to Him just because of who I was...

Long story short, during the two years I was in that awful church and God kept trying to show me that what I believed wasn't true at all, I couldn't and didn't believe. He called me into something that He had always wanted for me and gave me the desire, then confirmed it and really had to wear me down to where I would accept it. I will never forget the day He told me that what was on my heart and what I wanted to do so badly was what He wanted for me. But despite that, I still really struggled up until the day I got baptized when God literally blitzkrieged me with something so amazing it was overwhelming. He literally lavished on me everything I wanted...but even then I was still struggling.

I ended up not choosing what He wanted for me when the door was open because I just could not get past the idea that I had to earn what God wanted for me because no one had ever told me that I didn't have to be good enough or perfect or measure up. No one ever told me that I was worthy or unconditional love and I don't think anyone ever did love me unconditionally...it was always something that had to be earned by measuring up. What happened in question was this: God made a way for me to go back to school so I could earn a degree that would allow me to pursue His calling for my life, but because I was still struggling with wrong beliefs, I didn't take it because I thought that if I took out any debt at all to help me pay for it and didn't pay all in cash, He would punish me and take it away. I didn't want to do what I did in and of itself, but I made myself do it because I wanted to go the extra mile to please God and thought it was expected of me. I ended up missing the opportunity presented to me because I refused to quit a job that would allow me to go back to school without distractions because I was afraid that if I took out debt, then I wouldn't be good enough and would be punished for not being good enough. I wanted what was in front of me back there so badly it hurt, but there were so many things that seemed to point the accusing finger of condemnation at me and disqualify me that it convinced me I had to do what I did and too afraid of punishment to do what I wanted.

Basically, I rejected God's will and blessings and plan for me because I didn't want God to reject me for not being good enough for them.

That was four years ago and I regret what I did every single day...but it looks like there is no way around it and I think in God's eyes, it doesn't matter why I did it....I made a choice not to believe and not to accept His grace because I chose to believe lies...I didn't realize what I was doing, I don't think...but I truly thought that I was doing what was good and what God wanted from me because I was avoiding doing something that scripture didn't speak 100% positively of even if it wasn't sinful. God showed me about a year and a half ago that the reason I didn't choose what He wanted for me was because I thought I wasn't good enough for it and I wish every single day of my life that He would give me another chance at that or let me do it over again, because when I did the things that I did, I did not mean to sin against Him or disobey Him or not believe...I wanted to do good and be holy and righteous and do good back to Him for what He had done for me...because I really did love Him...

I truly believe with all my heart that God has taken all of those things away from me forever and is going to make me do something else if I come back to Him. It is so painful...
 
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Robert Sands

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Hi Emerald,
I just returned from a trying little adventure, and I am exhausted. But I saw your response, and wanted to give you a brief replay.
When I read about your struggle and angst over your experience, my heart is broken for you. I completely understand your situation with your dad, church, and your feelings. I was in a similar abusive church. It took me many years to understand the darkness in that church system. And it is taking me many more years to get out from under the things they ingrained into me. So, yes, I do understand the problem.
My personal opinion of you is that I am very proud of you, because of you devotion and your sacrifice for our Father. When I left my church system, I first had to realize the extant of the distorted view of God I was given. Once I came to that realization, I was able to correct our (my Father and I) relationship.
Think about your own father. He imparted to you two disastrous ideas. He presented you with an idea of God that is completely un-Scriptural. Next he imparted to you a picture of yourself that was equally un-Scriptural.
I am suggesting that your fundamental picture of God and yourself are completely wrong. If I am correct then you need to change you understanding of both you and your God. Over and over Jesus told us that for us to enter the Kingdom of the Heavens, we must do two things.
One, trust Him. Unfortunately your views of God, yourself, and your decisions have placed yourself in a position where you can not trust Him.
Two, we are to repent. We mistakenly associate repentance with some sinfulness of ours and regret of that. Actually that concept would in Greek be
μεταμέλλομαι metamellomai, which is what Judas felt before he hing himself (see the Grk in Matthew 27:3). Obviously that type or "repentance" did Judas no good, and it does you no good, my dear friend.
The "repentance" Jesus constantly required of us is μετάνοια metanoia. The best English rendering of this noun is a "change of understanding". This is a deep change in your understand of yourself, of your loving Heavenly Father, and of the relationship He wants with you. You are very intelligent, and seeing the difference between these words incorrectly and recklessly translated as "repentance", you will see that you focused improperly on the sin and regret aspect. This would be very naturally given what was instilled in you. This was NOT your fault, but a deep error on the part of those teaching you.
To correct this grievous error, you must first rebuild a correct understanding in your soul, heart and spirit. Once you reformat your understanding, you will not only see what a beautiful Person your Heavenly Father is, but you will see what a beautiful person you are.
There is much more to be said about that. I am tired and need to get up early to work. But for now consider this.
As a father, my children have given me many gifts over the years. Sometimes they have given me a gift I did not like at all. I never felt or displayed any disappointment. Instead I understood why they gave me that gift. I knew they put a lot of thought into what they believed I would enjoy, and they based that on knowing me. Even the the gift was something I did not want, I was deeply touched by their simplicity and their loving deliberation.
Now think about your situation. Your loving Father gave you a beautiful gift. In your innocent simplicity you lovingly returned His love by giving a self-sacrificing gift to Him.
At that moment, what do you think was going through the Mind of your Father. He is a person just like us. What I can see in spirit was that your Father wept with joy for doing that out of your deep love for Him. Emerald, don't you see that as the true response of your Father at that moment? This is why I see the beauty and kindness of your heart; it is what your Father sees in you.
The next question is, if I am correct, why have things not worked out well for you? Actually the answer is simple, yet it is not. In short, your ultimate reaction, based on what was improperly downloaded into your understanding subverted the proper resolution. And that can be corrected more easily than you think, but I have to save that for another time.
For now, as you start changing your understanding, please you see yourself as the most precious child of your heavenly Father. See Him as One Who wants to love you and bless you. Many spiritual laws affect our divine relationship, and as you learn them, you become the pearl our Father seeks.
 
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Emerald518

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Hi Emerald,
I just returned from a trying little adventure, and I am exhausted. But I saw your response, and wanted to give you a brief replay.
When I read about your struggle and angst over your experience, my heart is broken for you. I completely understand your situation with your dad, church, and your feelings. I was in a similar abusive church. It took me many years to understand the darkness in that church system. And it is taking me many more years to get out from under the things they ingrained into me. So, yes, I do understand the problem.
My personal opinion of you is that I am very proud of you, because of you devotion and your sacrifice for our Father. When I left my church system, I first had to realize the extant of the distorted view of God I was given. Once I came to that realization, I was able to correct our (my Father and I) relationship.
Think about your own father. He imparted to you two disastrous ideas. He presented you with an idea of God that is completely un-Scriptural. Next he imparted to you a picture of yourself that was equally un-Scriptural.
I am suggesting that your fundamental picture of God and yourself are completely wrong. If I am correct then you need to change you understanding of both you and your God. Over and over Jesus told us that for us to enter the Kingdom of the Heavens, we must do two things.
One, trust Him. Unfortunately your views of God, yourself, and your decisions have placed yourself in a position where you can not trust Him.
Two, we are to repent. We mistakenly associate repentance with some sinfulness of ours and regret of that. Actually that concept would in Greek be
μεταμέλλομαι metamellomai, which is what Judas felt before he hing himself (see the Grk in Matthew 27:3). Obviously that type or "repentance" did Judas no good, and it does you no good, my dear friend.
The "repentance" Jesus constantly required of us is μετάνοια metanoia. The best English rendering of this noun is a "change of understanding". This is a deep change in your understand of yourself, of your loving Heavenly Father, and of the relationship He wants with you. You are very intelligent, and seeing the difference between these words incorrectly and recklessly translated as "repentance", you will see that you focused improperly on the sin and regret aspect. This would be very naturally given what was instilled in you. This was NOT your fault, but a deep error on the part of those teaching you.
To correct this grievous error, you must first rebuild a correct understanding in your soul, heart and spirit. Once you reformat your understanding, you will not only see what a beautiful Person your Heavenly Father is, but you will see what a beautiful person you are.
There is much more to be said about that. I am tired and need to get up early to work. But for now consider this.
As a father, my children have given me many gifts over the years. Sometimes they have given me a gift I did not like at all. I never felt or displayed any disappointment. Instead I understood why they gave me that gift. I knew they put a lot of thought into what they believed I would enjoy, and they based that on knowing me. Even the the gift was something I did not want, I was deeply touched by their simplicity and their loving deliberation.
Now think about your situation. Your loving Father gave you a beautiful gift. In your innocent simplicity you lovingly returned His love by giving a self-sacrificing gift to Him.
At that moment, what do you think was going through the Mind of your Father. He is a person just like us. What I can see in spirit was that your Father wept with joy for doing that out of your deep love for Him. Emerald, don't you see that as the true response of your Father at that moment? This is why I see the beauty and kindness of your heart; it is what your Father sees in you.
The next question is, if I am correct, why have things not worked out well for you? Actually the answer is simple, yet it is not. In short, your ultimate reaction, based on what was improperly downloaded into your understanding subverted the proper resolution. And that can be corrected more easily than you think, but I have to save that for another time.
For now, as you start changing your understanding, please you see yourself as the most precious child of your heavenly Father. See Him as One Who wants to love you and bless you. Many spiritual laws affect our divine relationship, and as you learn them, you become the pearl our Father seeks.

Hi again. I've been thinking about what you said and tried to really put some things into practice, but I'm back in the same spot that I was in when I originally posted this.

I'm so angry at God for choosing to make me live with the things I've done, because in doing so, He took what I loved and treasured away from me...and even now, I'm not sure whether He took anything away or I made it all go away, but regardless of what happened back there, I'm just angry. And while I want so badly to get close to Him, I'm too terrified. There have been several times when I've felt that God was saying to just let all of this go, but that too breaks my heart beyond anything I can describe and makes me even angrier because it shows me that He would rather I lose all of that forever...it's a confusing, tangled web and I can't even begin to put into words the pain that I feel when I think about just having to accept that His original gift to me is gone and never coming back by His own decision.

I know that God has all of the power to restore all of that, but why He doesn't seem to want to, I can't even guess...it just hurts...and I just wonder how He could see that in my heart, I really wanted to take what was being offered to me despite what I ended up doing and still let all of that be lost, however it may be. I am so scared and don't feel safe, but I believe with all of my heart that if I allow myself to come back to Him, He is going to do everything that I desperately don't want Him to do...and if that's the case then I honestly would rather die, as selfish as this sounds. I wish it were possible to trade places with someone for even a minute so they could understand just a little the toll that this has taken on me. I am devastated to have lost everything that I have and devastated that it was my actions that caused it, because I never meant for good intentions (or what I thought were good intentions) to go as bad as they did...and God doesn't really seem to care about that devastation. He only seems to want to add to my pain and make it worse by doing what I am terrified that He will do and after the life I've had, I just can't handle it...

I have prayed so many times for God to spare me of what I think He's going to bring on me, I have prayed for Him to have mercy on me and undo what has happened to me (stupidly and in desperation), I have begged Him to see that I didn't mean to do what I did and begged Him for a second chance at what I've been given. The thought of being made to do something else even if it is better is a punch in the gut and I can't even begin to figure out why...maybe it's because I waited so long for what was back there and the thought of losing it all has only made the devastation worse...I really did not mean to do what I did and it seems that God just doesn't believe me, doesn't want to and doesn't want to give me any kind of...leniency, I guess?

I know that God does whatever He wants regardless of and unhindered by us and that's what terrifies me most of all...God can do whatever He wants to me regardless of anything and I am afraid.

Just thinking some things here...
 
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Robert Sands

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I wish it were possible to trade places with someone for even a minute so they could understand just a little the toll that this has taken on me.

Emerald,

When we truly bare the burdens of others, it is actually a spiritual experience. Once when I was in emotional, when I understood how our loving Father sees all we do to each other, and He sees it ever day, all day long, I understood the weight He carries for us. I told Him I wanted to share His burden with Him. When I did, I felt His broken heart, and I felt a deep compassion for Him.

Right now, as I read your note, I feel two things. First, I feel a profound sorrow for you. You are carrying a burden that you should not be carrying. You see yourself as having done something terrible. I see you as having done something, right or wrong, you did it as a loving gift for your Father.

The second thing I feel is our Father's broken heart for you. He gave you the gift He wanted for you, and He was very happy to do that. And what you did in return, He understood. But the fact is this. He has this incredible love for you. He wants to take you under His arm (read Psalm 91). He loves you. But He sees how much pain you are in. He wants you to understand, you did not cause that pain, and He did not cause that pain. But others instilled in you a picture of your heavenly Father that is not true. And this false picture causes you great pain.

When the children of Israel were in the Wilderness, they were given great gifts, but they constantly rejected His gifts. He still loved them. They were still his people. What you did was based on good intentions. You were not selfish or greedy.

His desire is that you return to Him for two reasons. First, He loves you. Second, He wants to give you an amazing life. If you read His promises, you will see the fantastic gifts and Life He wants you to have. But you need to trust two things. First trust Him as your loving Father. Second, trust yourself that you are trustworthy and precious in His eyes.

He wants you to stop causing your pain as well as His pain. Go to Him.

The Christian Life is a spiritual Life. you need to just learn the basic rules. When you learn these rules, you will see amazing answers to prayer. You will see amazing healing. You will see a life that is filled with excitement, love, and joy. These are His promises to you.

Keep in mind you are His precious little girl, and He will never let you go. But you must stop running away from Him. He loves you. He wants to prove His love for you.

There are a few steps you must take in order to reunite with Him, go forward with Him, and everything you have wanted will be restored to you.
I truly, truly tell you, He who believes on Me, the works that I do he shall do also, and greater works than these he shall do, because I go to My Father. And whatever you may ask in My name, that I will do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it. John 14:12-14. Just learn His ways, do not let what you were told turn you away from your Father.
 
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