Someone's "tenure" at the singles group

I’m sorry for your experience. I would definitely recommend speaking to someone if it happens again. If someone makes you uncomfortable and you want to avoid a confrontation, excuse yourself and walk away.

I was in a singles group once. The group was for members over 35. It sounded like a good idea at first. But the men gawked and stared and were grinning all the time. They would hold you in a penetrating gaze. Every time you looked up someone was watching you. It was creepy and I left.

ChicanaRose said:

Is this a church single group? Mine was. I was really hoping to find a non-worldly man at church.

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Yeah it was. Felt like a meat market. There are some who have difficulty communicating or responding appropriately in social settings. It would be nice if churches addressed this.

ChicanaRose said:

Is this a church single group? Mine was. I was really hoping to find a non-worldly man at church.

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That’s one church. There’s no guarantee the one you’re seeking even attends. ;-)

A little broadcasting would help. Scatter your seed. The church is one option. But you’re not there 7 days a week. What about the rest?

That’s where your interests and passions come in. Do you have a bible school near? Most have continuing ed classes.

Keep looking, maybe you'll find one. Don't let someone deter you. Report him if things get out of control.

What do you mean that he was "pushy"?

ChicanaRose said:

I went to a local church's singles group last year. I attended a few times and stopped and have not gone back. I felt harassed by a pushy guy there but was too afraid to say anything because he has been attending the group for many years and was friends with people there, and I was brand new. It seems that people always believe someone they know for a long time over a stranger...but maybe I shouldn't have assumed. Do you have confidence that people would be impartial in handling this kind of situation? Should I report it if something like this were to happen in another singles group (not that I have much desire to attend one again)?

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What do you mean that he was "pushy"?

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Yes, also please define "harassed" please.

LaBèlla said:

I’m sorry for your experience. I would definitely recommend speaking to someone if it happens again. If someone makes you uncomfortable and you want to avoid a confrontation, excuse yourself and walk away.

I was in a singles group once. The group was for members over 35. It sounded like a good idea at first. But the men gawked and stared and were grinning all the time. They would hold you in a penetrating gaze. Every time you looked up someone was watching you. It was creepy and I left.

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Wait a minute, these men never tried to talk to you. Do you not smile back at them or do you immediately avert your eyes? Are introductions ever made? Any mingling sessions?

Of course, all of this is non-verbal, so this being typed up on a message board can be completely left up to interpretation. So all of this is mere speculation on your part and you've built up some kind of this irrational thought process.

All they had to do was look at you a little too long and you left because of this? That's throwing the baby out with the bathwater to be honest.

I hate to say it, but that's a silly reason to be leaving. You built up something in your own mind and talked yourself out of going again. It think this was internalized.

Harmless as far as I am concerned. It's as if you are demonizing men. Heck, a guy doesn't even have to be pushy in your case, as this is what happened with the OP's encounter.

I personally think you see men as predatory, and that's not healthy way of thinking.

Also, let's get real here....I could also speculate that these men weren't attractive enough to you to not have a problem with it? Of course, as per your previous posts....."not lacking prospects". Of course, you'll be lacking plenty if you just outright leave the group altogether.

It's called life...deal with it.

ThisIsMe123 said:

Wait a minute, these men never tried to talk to you. All they had to do was look at you a little too long and you left because of this? I hate to say it, but that's a silly reason to be leaving. You built up something in your own mind and talked yourself out of going again. This was internalized.

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You inferred a lot from a few sentences and have gotten carried away with your assumptions. The mental leaps you’ve made are wrong. And your conclusions regarding my perception of the opposite sex are ridiculous.

I’m uncertain of the script you’ve drawn this from. But it’s not the result of my personal opinions regarding men.

Save the armchair psychoanalysis and ask questions instead.

ThisIsMe123 said:

Wait a minute, these men never tried to talk to you. Do you not smile back at them or do you immediately avert your eyes? Of course, all of this is non-verbal, so this being typed up on a message board can be completely left up to interpretation.

All they had to do was look at you a little too long and you left because of this? I hate to say it, but that's a silly reason to be leaving. You built up something in your own mind and talked yourself out of going again. It think this was internalized.

Harmless as far as I am concerned. It's as if you are demonizing men. Heck, a guy doesn't even have to be pushy in your case, as this is what happened with the OP's encounter.

I personally think you see them as predatory, and that's not healthy way of thinking.

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ThisIsMe123 said:

Yes, also please define "harassed" please.

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Oh, and you, on your "message board" can now tell what happened and whatnot and make accusations out of the blue? You have to understand that people can judge for themselves and differentiate between what is normal and what is not. They don't need a stranger to re-interpret their experiences for them, especially when that stranger is someone on a "message board".

LaBèlla said:

You inferred a lot from a few sentences and have gotten carried away with your assumptions. The mental leaps you’ve made are wrong. And your conclusions regarding my perception of the opposite sex are ridiculous.

I’m uncertain of the script you’ve drawn this from. But it’s not the result of my personal opinions regarding men.

Save the armchair psychoanalysis and ask questions instead.

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Yeah, but you left an entire group just because of a "gaze"? I dunno, like I said, throwing the baby out with the bathwater. All I had to hear was the action you had taken and it spoke volumes.

ThisIsMe123 said:

Yeah, but you left an entire group just because of a "gaze"? I dunno, like I said, throwing the baby out with the bathwater. All I had to hear was the action you had taken and it spoke volumes.

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Are you in the practice of explaining and justifying your decisions to strangers? Probably not.

More importantly, why does it matter to you? You read a comment and made a determination without additional insight or inquiry. That’s your prerogative.

But the moment you put that in writing and could not substantiate your thoughts is something different.

LaBèlla said:

Are you in the practice of explaining and justifying your decisions to strangers? Probably not.

More importantly, why does it matter to you? You read a comment and made a determination without additional insight or inquiry. That’s your prerogative.

But the moment you put that in writing and could not substantiate your thoughts is something different.

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I did ask some questions in the aforementioned:

Wait a minute, these men never tried to talk to you? Do you not smile back at them or do you immediately avert your eyes? Are introductions ever made? Any mingling sessions?

I will admit, a couple of my assumptions were for reaching, ie that you didn't think they were attractive enough to engage. That may not have been the case, so I'll admit to that. But I was just assuming the worst case scenario.

So maybe I should have just started the response with, "Why would you leave a group just because of a few male gazes" and left it at that.

ThisIsMe123 said:

I did ask some questions in the aforementioned:

Wait a minute, these men never tried to talk to you? Do you not smile back at them or do you immediately avert your eyes? Are introductions ever made? Any mingling sessions?

I will admit, a couple of my assumptions were for reaching, ie that you didn't think they were attractive enough to engage.

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I am uncertain what inspired your remarks and its honestly unimportant. But I’m certain of one thing nonetheless. God wasn’t in them.

But we needn’t get spiritual on this. Your faux pas is an absence of decorum and understanding of place. You don’t have a position in my life to corroborate your comments. That’s why questions are necessary.

Before you slander someone or ascribe negative things to them without proof. Restrain yourself. You’ll spend less time apologizing and causing offense.

As the Lord advises, be slow to speak...quick to listen...and slow to anger.

For the sake the thread, I’ll clarify my post. This was an adult bible study. Not a fellowship group. I’ve been in similar groups and enjoy them a great deal.

I went for the Word. Not to pick up someone. And when I’m God’s house; I’m not looking for Mr. Right. My mind is on Him and what He wishes to impart to me.

But given their focus and inability to restrain themselves. The atmosphere was different. And more along the lines of what you’d encounter in a club than a church. That’s why I left.

LaBèlla said:

As the Lord advises, be slow to speak...quick to listen...and slow to anger.

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That's good advice. I apologize. Just been going through some stuff in my life right now.

ChicanaRose said:

He complimented on my looks from head to toe (hair, exactly what I was wearing in detail) in the following week.

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That’s inappropriate. It’s understandable why you were uncomfortable.

PS. The bible school comment never crossed my thoughts until you. If you lived close we visit the one in my neighborhood.