Sexless Marriage Update - Thanks For the Prayers Last Year

trekdad99 · Jul 6, 2019

Hello all, just wanted to give a quick update on my situation. It has been a very difficult time since I posted last year. I have suffered greatly from depression/loneliness and haven't sex in over a year. It's not just sex but companionship, holding hands and embracing one another that I miss. Anytime I have brought it up I'm met with anger and accused that all I care about is sex or I usually get the line " A marriage isn't just about sex" and so on. If that were truly the case I would have left her many years ago because I have been in a sexless marriage for years. I continue to be the only one who does house work and yard work because she is always gone. She is involved with church and our sons band program a lot and signs up for literally everything. Trips, meetings, camp, fundraisers, women's groups, missions, parades you name it, she's there.

A lot of these things I'm simply not able to do because of work or having to hold things down at home for our youngest child. She recently just left to parts of Eastern Europe for a mission trip but didn't discuss it with me until after she signed up and raised money to pay for the trip. As a Christian I am obviously not against her being involved especially with mission trips but I can't help but feel like I'm put on the back burner when we haven't talked in weeks and she chooses women's night or attending a christian concert with her church friends instead of date night with me. She was gone almost 2 weeks recently and once getting back into the states the next day signed up for a engineering camp for a week at our church. It's not like it happens occasionally but always. We haven't been out together on a date in years. I try and try but she says she has too much going on. I feel like I don't have a wife or friends because I left all my friends behind to move to where she wanted to send our children to school. It's challenging for me to meet folks my age in this small town as most have already acquired friends from their youth.

I feel horrible because in a way I feel like I might be jealous of the time she gives the church because she is always there. When I say always, I literally mean ALWAYS. I feel so bad for even saying that because I would never want to compete for time with God as he is first in our life but even if its something like an arts and crafts night she will drop everything and be there. I tell her, she doesn't have to be present for everything at church and she gets very frustrated with me so I have decided to just let her come to me. Which may be never...

During this time I have began losing weight and working out when I have spare time on lunch or work breaks. I have become in incredible shape at my age of 38 and feel better than I did in my 20's. I had an attractive woman recently flirt with me and I had to tell her I'm married and I wont lie it made me feel so good to be noticed that I almost started crying lol. I started hiking to just get my mind off of things but mainly because I'm always alone. She will take the kids off to band competitions or just anything without really discussing it with me and I can never go because I work early the next day. At first this and prayer helped me stay focused but I am now beginning to notice women more and have a strong urge to be with someone. Not just sexually but just in my life period. I know this is wrong but I can't help these feelings. It's hard for me to admit this but after all of this I view her more as an old friend now or just a roommate than my wife and companion. I have literally tried everything to make my wife interested in me but I have realized that I can't. You can't make people do something they don't want to do.

I'm not sure where things are headed for me but I could really use some prayers. I am not sure what I contribute to this marriage aside from a paycheck. It's very depressing to be alone and married. I'm doing my best not to sin or even look at women but I am falling short more and more each day as I notice and have a desire for companionship. Humans aren't made to be alone. Sorry for rambling but I have no one else to talk to. I have been accused on here before for not being a leader. I would like to know how I am to lead when my wife has NOTHING to do with me? How am I to lead someone who makes decisions behind my back? Even financially she does things without asking and goes and takes out a credit card knowing how I feel about debt (Big Dave Ramsey Fan). How can I lead someone who doesn't love me? I say how I feel and how we need to discuss things but she always does it her way and leave me out of it.

chevyontheriver · Jul 6, 2019

trekdad99 said:
She is involved with church and our sons band program a lot and signs up for literally everything. Trips, meetings, camp, fundraisers, women's groups, missions, parades you name it, she's there.

I take it your pastor fully approves of her being too busy for you? Maybe he needs an earful.

Greengardener · Jul 6, 2019

I'm sorry to hear about this, a problem full of pain for sure.

A couple of things come to mind as I read this. I commend you for being both honest and strong. I can say that without flirting because I'm old and my kids are probably older than you. I can assure you that the benefit of doing right is worth the effort. Trouble and sin continue to try to overtake us. Don't be deceived, and being deceived is far easier than we think. Your job will always be to stand and not fall.

I am not asking you to answer these questions here, but these questions come to mind when I'm picking through to understand your post. The questions come from my own particular experiences and I'm listing them here to give you something to chew on as you gnash your way through this awful situation. I'm no expert, just a person speaking. Somewhere between you, your family, and God I hope you find good answers that lead you to feeling happier and more connected with your family.

What would it take to make sure your finances are controlled? (I'm not thinking of necessary things here, but why should you pay for things that you aren't in agreement are needed? The ability of one person to wreck the budget of the main paycheck person concerns me. I am very leery of credit cards.)

Would there be a way to arrange your work schedule to accompany your wife to activities and work alongside her? If you do, just stay confident and silent and smile, just because you two are doing something together.

How about taking the kids to their events or out on dates? Sounds like you might have pre-teens or teens at home? No matter the age, they need you. Again, confident, silent, and smiling. Budget this in - it's important they have these memories of you listening to them.

Would there be a way to get the pastor to counsel both of you? Is there someone she respects who might have a more balanced view of marriage? Sometimes having a mentor helps and holds each of you responsible for what you agree to do.

How would you act toward your family if you knew this could change for the better? How would you act toward your family if you knew it would never change even after the kids are launched? What could you change about you that would improve the situation? I only ask that because we all know we're the only people we can change - no reason to ask about changing your wife since it's not an option. If people who know you knew this situation, what would they tell you and why?

Is there something commendable in all these activities she's doing? If this were your sister, a childhood friend or your mother behaving this way, would there be any difference in how you view the activities and outcomes in what's she's doing? Would you have reason to commend her enthusiasm for her activities?

How about asking your wife for a date in the future, like next month, or even (random example) the Thursday after Labor Day? That way you can get your date on the calendar ahead of others. Start small.

You mentioned criticisms about your leadership previously on the forum. Don't get discouraged by people with their daggers. I haven't figured why some people need to kick at others. Your situation sounds so frustrating, but there is nothing impossible to God. He can use even this for good. Out here there will be a multitude of counselors, and every one of us needs to be pointing you back to the principles of God's kingdom that you'll find in the Bible. It'll take a lot of your emotional energy for finding the right behaviors and attitudes and then adjusting yourself into them as you walk through this difficult time, sometimes in large waves and other times in gentle waves. Keep going.

Hazelelponi · Jul 6, 2019

trekdad99 said:
I say how I feel and how we need to discuss things but she always does it her way and leave me out of it.

Before your marriage is completely over please bring this to your Pastor.

Spouses are supposed to be helpmeets, your partner in life and you don't seem to have one.

Sex is a part and parcel of marriage, period. Even the Bible says that your not to leave the marriage bed aside

"the husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." (1 Corinthians 7:3-4)

expect for agreed upon small amounts of time (during a time of fasting and prayer or illness) but then it says to go right back to it again.

"Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." (1 Corinthians 7:5)

What your wife has done is abandonment, and is cause even in Christianity for divorce.. it's very unbiblical, so it's past time for her Pastor to get involved, and/or some marriage counseling in order to save the marriage.

NothingIsImpossible · Jul 6, 2019

The bible says a spouse is to love you like they love Christ. It appears as if she didn't get that message. Spending no time with you and no sex shows a lack of love. While Christ should be the thing at the top of your list you focus on, next should be the spouse, then kids. If she wanted to focus so much on God then she should have stayed single and also not have had kids. And when it comes to missions, its something BOTH spouses should talk about. Not just "Hey I am doing a mission trip, bye!".

She doesn't seem to care about your needs at all. She seems selfish. Also a whole year without sex? Unless she has a legit reason for not wanting sex, then there is no excuse. And "I am to busy" is not a valid excuse. She needs to become less busy. Sex doesn't take a long time to do, if she can't even take that time then that is sad. Your bodies belong to each other.

This is why so many spouses end up cheating or looking at inappropriate content. Because they feel neglect. And obviously it doesn't make it ok to do, the other spouse is partially to blame since they refuse to fix the situation. Again... I realize we make such decisions but none the less. Sounds like she's still stuck in the mindset of a single person. Maybe she was never ready for marriage.

Or maybe she has a vanity issue and wants to be seen as the lady who does everything for everyone. My mother is like that. Neglects my dad but makes sure she shes the center of attention outside the home. Though she seems blind to it and makes excuses.

Just asking but are you sure when she's not around she's not.... "doing things" behind your back? Far to often I have seen sexless marriages are sexless because one spouse is finding sex somewhere else and thus the needs are fulfilled.

Obviously go see a pastor and get counseling. I'd also maybe say to her "Since you can't seem to make time for me, maybe I will move out (or maybe sleep in another room) so you have time to think about our future."

Swan7 · Jul 7, 2019

There's some really good Christian advice here. If I may add, please first and foremost go to God before going to see your pastor. Inquire the Lord first as the scriptures have always said.

mama2one · Jul 7, 2019

RedPonyDriver · Jul 30, 2019

I haven't had sex with my husband for 8 months. He has cancer. I will never have sex with him again as long as he is alive.

Quit thinking with your hormones and figure out what you've done to turn her off so much. Getting into shape is not going to "win her back". Figure out what you've done to damage the marriage...find a good SECULAR counselor. Go...set up some sessions for both of you to go...but in the interim, take a good look in the mirror and take responsibility for your own faults and what YOU have done. You can't "fix" her but you can fix you...start with some self-examination and proceed to a good therapist.

Dave-W · Jul 30, 2019

RedPonyDriver said:
Quit thinking with your hormones and figure out what you've done to turn her off so much. Getting into shape is not going to "win her back". Figure out what you've done to damage the marriage..

So - it is all his fault? That is a HUGE assumption.

Mountainmanbob · Jul 30, 2019

trekdad99 said:
She recently just left to parts of Eastern Europe for a mission trip but didn't discuss it with me until after she signed up and raised money to pay for the trip.

As a Christian I am obviously not against her being involved especially with mission trips but I can't help but feel like I'm put on the back burner when we haven't talked in weeks and she chooses women's night or attending a christian concert with her church friends instead of date night with me. She was gone almost 2 weeks recently and once getting back into the states the next day signed up for a engineering camp for a week at our church. It's not like it happens occasionally but always. We haven't been out together on a date in years. I try and try but she says she has too much going on. I feel like I don't have a wife or friends because I left all my friends behind to move to where she wanted to send our children to school. It's challenging for me to meet folks my age in this small town as most have already acquired friends from their youth.

I feel horrible because in a way I feel like I might be jealous of the time she gives the church because she is always there. When I say always, I literally mean ALWAYS. I feel so bad for even saying that because I would never want to compete for time with God as he is first in our life but even if its something like an arts and crafts night she will drop everything and be there. I tell her, she doesn't have to be present for everything at church and she gets very frustrated with me so I have decided to just let her come to me. Which may be never...

During this time I have began losing weight and working out when I have spare time on lunch or work breaks. I have become in incredible shape at my age of 38 and feel better than I did in my 20's. I had an attractive woman recently flirt with me and I had to tell her I'm married and I wont lie it made me feel so good to be noticed that I almost started crying lol. I started hiking to just get my mind off of things but mainly because I'm always alone. She will take the kids off to band competitions or just anything without really discussing it with me and I can never go because I work early the next day. At first this and prayer helped me stay focused but I am now beginning to notice women more and have a strong urge to be with someone. Not just sexually but just in my life period. I know this is wrong but I can't help these feelings. It's hard for me to admit this but after all of this I view her more as an old friend now or just a roommate than my wife and companion. I have literally tried everything to make my wife interested in me but I have realized that I can't. You can't make people do something they don't want to do.

I'm not sure where things are headed for me but I could really use some prayers. I am not sure what I contribute to this marriage aside from a paycheck. It's very depressing to be alone and married. I'm doing my best not to sin or even look at women but I am falling short more and more each day as I notice and have a desire for companionship. Humans aren't made to be alone. Sorry for rambling but I have no one else to talk to. I have been accused on here before for not being a leader. I would like to know how I am to lead when my wife has NOTHING to do with me? How am I to lead someone who makes decisions behind my back? Even financially she does things without asking and goes and takes out a credit card knowing how I feel about debt (Big Dave Ramsey Fan). How can I lead someone who doesn't love me? I say how I feel and how we need to discuss things but she always does it her way and leave me out of it.

That's sad brother.
Hope things get better for you.
Only with God's help it would seem.
MB

RedPonyDriver · Jul 31, 2019

Dave-W said:
So - it is all his fault? That is a HUGE assumption.

Did I say that? Could have sworn I told him to look at HIS PART in this...it takes 2 to make or break a marriage. Instead of trying to "impress her" with shallowly changed behavior, he needs to figure out what he has done, what is his part in this instead of talking about what his wife is doing. That, my friend, is deflection and a refusal to admit any part in the problems. He needs to see HIS part and quit looking at hers.

Endeavourer · Aug 5, 2019

Hi @trekdad99, I'm sorry for the reasons you are on this board.

Are you sure your wife is not having an affair with someone at church? The thoughtlessness towards you and abandonment of you in lieu of constant companionship external to the marriage are two big warning indicators.

Also, her behavior sounds like she has an addiction to something that isn't you - her behavior indicates there is something else (an addiction) she puts before you, your wishes or your feelings. An affair is an addiction to another person. While she is addicted to another person she is incapable of being thoughtful or caring about you.

Do not confront her; just quietly check out the phone logs to see if she is excessively communicating with someone else and look around for other indicators. If you confront or ask her, she'll know you're suspicious and will just hide her activities better.

So, if I were you, I'd rule out an affair asap before you spend more time in such misery. Nothing you can try will work if she is having an affair.

Also, DON'T get counseling from your pastor or anyone at church until you have ruled this out. For all I know, it would be with your pastor. Don't alert anyone until you can rule things out.

So sorry,
E.

Deidre32 · Aug 11, 2019

I wouldn't rule out an affair, either. I'd check your phone bills to see if recurring numbers are showing up, and the length of calls, or if there are a lot of texts to the same number. It's important to rule out everything. If she's not having an affair, and you have tried to get her to go to counseling, etc and she refuses...and just sees you as a paycheck, I'd get some legal advice. Marriage isn't a prison.

Eternity Matters · Sep 2, 2019

If you characterized that fairly then she is sinning against you in major ways. I'd insist on counseling, with the caveat that the counsel must hold a biblical worldview (i.e., man is the head, husbands love your wives, wives respect your husbands, 1 Cor 7 sexuality, etc.). Definitely go to your pastor. If he doesn't help I'd find a new church.

I agree on checking about an affair.

Good for you for taking care of yourself! That won't fix all your problems, but it is a good stress relief and can be a catalyst for her not to take you for granted.

I'd also start exerting some of your authority. She should not be making big commitments like mission trips without your approval.

joshua 1 9 · Sep 2, 2019

trekdad99 said:
Hello all, just wanted to give a quick update on my situation.

You need to count your blessings one by one and give thanks to Jesus for all He has done. Grumbling and complaining is not going to do you any good.

Dave-W · Sep 3, 2019

Eternity Matters said:
If you characterized that fairly then she is sinning against you in major ways.

I disagree.

Dave-W · Sep 3, 2019

Endeavourer said:
Are you sure your wife is not having an affair with someone at church?

Deidre32 said:
I wouldn't rule out an affair, either.

OK - we have some candidates for the next Olympics in the category of jumping to conclusions.
It is a huge stretch to go from a lack of sex and emotional closeness to an affair.

There are many generations of people out there in the Church that were raised in Victorianism/Gothardism/Purity culture that came away with the idea that sex is evil and God hates it. And if emotional closeness kindles up those evil desires ......

Endeavourer · Sep 3, 2019

@trekdad99 how are things going? Any updates or progress?

Endeavourer · Sep 3, 2019

Dave-W said:
It is a huge stretch to go from a lack of sex and emotional closeness to an affair.

Unfortunately, those were not the reasons I suggested he look for an affair. There were certain "tells" in what he described that are textbook behaviors of women who are having an affair.

If there is no affair, then something about his behavior is pushing her away. However, if there is an affair, there's nothing he can try that will fix the problem. Best to rule out an affair before giving the marriage what may be a final burst of effort. He is already fantasizing about not having to deal with his wife anymore, even to the point of wishing he would die in his sleep. Most people who are at that stage don't have a lot left in them to give towards trying to save the marriage.

I suggested he look for an affair first because he seems to have a highly accommodating personality; spouses with his behavior patterns are less likely to have initiate an abusive posture in the marriage. He may respond to abuse with abuse, but someone who is trying so hard to please someone and who acts deferentially in the way he describes is usually the person responding to the perpetrator, not aggressing as the perpetrator.

Endeavourer · Sep 3, 2019

From my post #12 on this thread:

Endeavourer said:
Are you sure your wife is not having an affair with someone at church?

Dave-W said:
OK - we have some candidates for the next Olympics in the category of jumping to conclusions.
It is a huge stretch to go from a lack of sex and emotional closeness to an affair.

I guess you forgot that you rated my post, #12 in this thread, as "Agree" back when I posted it, lol.

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