I've seen that a lot in these forums lately. Loads of people claiming the same thing; trouble over sin, the Spirit has left, can't feel anything but condemnation, panic, giving up. Many have panicked over not being able to repent; they want to repent, they want to "get back with God", but they say they can't feel anything, not enough remorse even, and they get very discouraged. Some even suicidal, like you. I beg of you dear brother, do not do it. Do not harm yourself. You have already suffered enough. Do not think you are any more fit to condemn yourself in your spiritual blindness and state of shock than you are fit to condemn your neighbor. We do not get to be God. Do not believe, for one second, the voice of eternal hopeless condemnation or urge to suicide. It is a twisted lie. There is no truth in it, there is no good fruit in it. If you are not safe from yourself, get any help you can and/or go somewhere where you are kept safe. Doesn't matter where. I've been committed myself a few times by my own request, because I was sure I was going to kill myself. I cannot tell you, brother, how much I hate those lies that make us want to take our own lives in despair. I hate those lies so much. They disguise themselves as the only truth. I will never forgive them for what they have done.
Our feelings are so core to our experience, that we can mistake them for reality. And if the accuser is around, he will use them. If we long for Christ, if we are brought to the end of ourselves by our sin and struggle, but about to see the light again in a whole new way, he will try to convince us that there is no hope and we shouldn't even bother. If we feel strongly, easily controlled by feelings concerning our faith, he has a playground. If we don't feel anything, he will use that too. Anything but Christ, anything but lasting hope even in the middle of our personal failures as Christians or even just moral people. Anything but holding on to Christ and God's goodness despite how things may seem to us. We don't have to feel first in order to decide to hold on to hope in Jesus Christ. We don't have to be something first. Sometimes, if not often, we have to become NOTHING first.
In our walk and spiritual growth, we will find out that we are the ones who abandon, not God, we are the ones who run away, not God, and coming to understand our sin can be a horrifying experience. Understanding the reality of sin in us, which is the work of Holy Spirit, and although scary, should not throw our souls into abyss. It should only make us more knowledgeable of our fallen nature, and make Christ shine brighter in contrast, a great Christ for our desperate need. At first, we are the objects to ourselves and our wants. We want Christ to give us X. We start self-centered even in our spiritual journey. But later on, after trials and struggles, even horrible failures, by the will of God our dependence on Him will become stronger, and we want ourselves to become less and Christ to become the real object of our hearts. This journey will absolutely not stop in "what happens to me?", it will go further.
I'm once again reminded of a few quotes by CH Spurgeon (in case your mind twists it into something else, these are supposed to be encouraging):
“Do not sit down and try to pump up repentance from the dry well of a corrupt nature. It is contrary to the laws of your mind to suppose that you can force your soul into that gracious state. Take your heart in prayer to Him who understands it and say, "Lord, cleanse it. Lord, renew it. Lord, work repentance in it." The more you try to produce penitent emotions in yourself, the more you will be disappointed. However, if you believingly think of Jesus dying for you, repentance will burst forth.”
"No dependence can be placed upon our natural qualities, or our spiritual attainments; but God abideth faithful. He is faithful in His love; He knows no variableness, neither shadow of turning. He is faithful to His purpose; He doth not begin a work and then leave it undone. He is faithful to His relationships; as a Father He will not renounce His children, as a friend He will not deny His people, as a Creator He will not forsake the work of His own hands.”
“I hear another man cry, “Oh, sir my want of strength lies mainly in this, that I cannot repent sufficiently!” A curious idea men have of what repentance is! Many fancy that so many tears are to be shed, and so many groans are to be heaved, and so much despair is to be endured. Whence comes this unreasonable notion? Unbelief and despair are sins, and therefore I do not see how they can be constituent elements of acceptable repentance; yet there are many who regard them as necessary parts of true Christian experience. They are in great error. Still, I know what they mean, for in the days of my darkness I used to feel in the same way. I desired to repent, but I thought that I could not do it, and yet all the while I was repenting. Odd as it may sound, I felt that I could not feel. I used to get into a corner and weep, because I could not weep; and I fell into bitter sorrow because I could not sorrow for sin. What a jumble it all is when in our unbelieving state we begin to judge our own condition! It is like a blind man looking at his own eyes. My heart was melted within me for fear, because I thought that my heart was as hard as an adamant stone. My heart was broken to think that it would not break. Now I can see that I was exhibiting the very thing which I thought I did not possess; but then I knew not where I was. Remember that the man who truly repents is never satisfied with his own repentance. We can no more repent perfectly than we can live perfectly. However pure our tears, there will always be some dirt in them: there will be something to be repented of even in our best repentance. But listen! To repent is to change your mind about sin, and Christ, and all the great things of God. There is sorrow implied in this; but the main point is the turning of the heart from sin to Christ. If there be this turning, you have the essence of true repentance, even though no alarm and no despair should ever have cast their shadow upon your mind.”
We tend to "worship" our sin in a sense. We raise it above all things, above Christ, above God's ability to have grace, above perfect love itself - while at the same time feeling sorry for ourselves, which can be a form of self-love, as if we could love more than God does, or be more merciful than He is. So we stare at our sins, occupied by ourselves, and build barricades against God's grace. That's our first mistake; God is now out of the picture, we don't dare approach Him again, because we didn't perform good enough, not even close, more like the opposite. We are now back in the old man, concerned about our own righteousness, or more like the absolute lack of it. But God will break through. He will not stop what He started with you. He didn't give His Son in resentment, begrudgingly. Our righteousness is in Christ, it was never in ourselves. Christ will be the object of our heart, He will see to it. No matter how many hard lessons we will face, no matter how many barricades we put up.
God enables all of these things. The most miserable sinner will see the light. We can do so little by ourselves. But we can have faith, even against our instinct and feeling, even stumbling and broken faith. We go to Him as we are. Not to ask death, but to ask hope, ask Christ to take care of us, because we don't know, in that state, what we can even do. But the hope will come, the faith will come, the trust will come. We will ask for more. We will get more in time. We will get disillusioned with ourselves, but more trusting in God. He will take over, little by little. Love will be realized, not only in us, but through us. It's glorious. The most broken, sinful, many times fallen man is not impossible for God to take care of. It's impossible for us, but for Him it's nothing. That's usually where He does His biggest work.
Some Romans: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Do not lose heart. Hold on to hope, rebuke all thoughts and feelings of being abandoned or self-harm. Get help if needed, God knows I've needed plenty. Lord Jesus will take care of you. Praying for you with the rest of these brothers and sisters. And if we believe Christ, He will grant us whatever we ask in spiritual matters, especially if there are two, three or more coming together in His name. No fear.
PS. Found a nice post from someone replying to a person who thought they were absolutely gone, without the spirit, with no hope. Here: losing the Holy Spirit, and getting back to Him, help and testimony forum
Our feelings are so core to our experience, that we can mistake them for reality. And if the accuser is around, he will use them. If we long for Christ, if we are brought to the end of ourselves by our sin and struggle, but about to see the light again in a whole new way, he will try to convince us that there is no hope and we shouldn't even bother. If we feel strongly, easily controlled by feelings concerning our faith, he has a playground. If we don't feel anything, he will use that too. Anything but Christ, anything but lasting hope even in the middle of our personal failures as Christians or even just moral people. Anything but holding on to Christ and God's goodness despite how things may seem to us. We don't have to feel first in order to decide to hold on to hope in Jesus Christ. We don't have to be something first. Sometimes, if not often, we have to become NOTHING first.
In our walk and spiritual growth, we will find out that we are the ones who abandon, not God, we are the ones who run away, not God, and coming to understand our sin can be a horrifying experience. Understanding the reality of sin in us, which is the work of Holy Spirit, and although scary, should not throw our souls into abyss. It should only make us more knowledgeable of our fallen nature, and make Christ shine brighter in contrast, a great Christ for our desperate need. At first, we are the objects to ourselves and our wants. We want Christ to give us X. We start self-centered even in our spiritual journey. But later on, after trials and struggles, even horrible failures, by the will of God our dependence on Him will become stronger, and we want ourselves to become less and Christ to become the real object of our hearts. This journey will absolutely not stop in "what happens to me?", it will go further.
I'm once again reminded of a few quotes by CH Spurgeon (in case your mind twists it into something else, these are supposed to be encouraging):
“Do not sit down and try to pump up repentance from the dry well of a corrupt nature. It is contrary to the laws of your mind to suppose that you can force your soul into that gracious state. Take your heart in prayer to Him who understands it and say, "Lord, cleanse it. Lord, renew it. Lord, work repentance in it." The more you try to produce penitent emotions in yourself, the more you will be disappointed. However, if you believingly think of Jesus dying for you, repentance will burst forth.”
"No dependence can be placed upon our natural qualities, or our spiritual attainments; but God abideth faithful. He is faithful in His love; He knows no variableness, neither shadow of turning. He is faithful to His purpose; He doth not begin a work and then leave it undone. He is faithful to His relationships; as a Father He will not renounce His children, as a friend He will not deny His people, as a Creator He will not forsake the work of His own hands.”
“I hear another man cry, “Oh, sir my want of strength lies mainly in this, that I cannot repent sufficiently!” A curious idea men have of what repentance is! Many fancy that so many tears are to be shed, and so many groans are to be heaved, and so much despair is to be endured. Whence comes this unreasonable notion? Unbelief and despair are sins, and therefore I do not see how they can be constituent elements of acceptable repentance; yet there are many who regard them as necessary parts of true Christian experience. They are in great error. Still, I know what they mean, for in the days of my darkness I used to feel in the same way. I desired to repent, but I thought that I could not do it, and yet all the while I was repenting. Odd as it may sound, I felt that I could not feel. I used to get into a corner and weep, because I could not weep; and I fell into bitter sorrow because I could not sorrow for sin. What a jumble it all is when in our unbelieving state we begin to judge our own condition! It is like a blind man looking at his own eyes. My heart was melted within me for fear, because I thought that my heart was as hard as an adamant stone. My heart was broken to think that it would not break. Now I can see that I was exhibiting the very thing which I thought I did not possess; but then I knew not where I was. Remember that the man who truly repents is never satisfied with his own repentance. We can no more repent perfectly than we can live perfectly. However pure our tears, there will always be some dirt in them: there will be something to be repented of even in our best repentance. But listen! To repent is to change your mind about sin, and Christ, and all the great things of God. There is sorrow implied in this; but the main point is the turning of the heart from sin to Christ. If there be this turning, you have the essence of true repentance, even though no alarm and no despair should ever have cast their shadow upon your mind.”
We tend to "worship" our sin in a sense. We raise it above all things, above Christ, above God's ability to have grace, above perfect love itself - while at the same time feeling sorry for ourselves, which can be a form of self-love, as if we could love more than God does, or be more merciful than He is. So we stare at our sins, occupied by ourselves, and build barricades against God's grace. That's our first mistake; God is now out of the picture, we don't dare approach Him again, because we didn't perform good enough, not even close, more like the opposite. We are now back in the old man, concerned about our own righteousness, or more like the absolute lack of it. But God will break through. He will not stop what He started with you. He didn't give His Son in resentment, begrudgingly. Our righteousness is in Christ, it was never in ourselves. Christ will be the object of our heart, He will see to it. No matter how many hard lessons we will face, no matter how many barricades we put up.
God enables all of these things. The most miserable sinner will see the light. We can do so little by ourselves. But we can have faith, even against our instinct and feeling, even stumbling and broken faith. We go to Him as we are. Not to ask death, but to ask hope, ask Christ to take care of us, because we don't know, in that state, what we can even do. But the hope will come, the faith will come, the trust will come. We will ask for more. We will get more in time. We will get disillusioned with ourselves, but more trusting in God. He will take over, little by little. Love will be realized, not only in us, but through us. It's glorious. The most broken, sinful, many times fallen man is not impossible for God to take care of. It's impossible for us, but for Him it's nothing. That's usually where He does His biggest work.
Some Romans: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Do not lose heart. Hold on to hope, rebuke all thoughts and feelings of being abandoned or self-harm. Get help if needed, God knows I've needed plenty. Lord Jesus will take care of you. Praying for you with the rest of these brothers and sisters. And if we believe Christ, He will grant us whatever we ask in spiritual matters, especially if there are two, three or more coming together in His name. No fear.
PS. Found a nice post from someone replying to a person who thought they were absolutely gone, without the spirit, with no hope. Here: losing the Holy Spirit, and getting back to Him, help and testimony forum
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