I’m sorry you lacked wise counsel through all of this. The suggestion to speak to someone should be taken. And I concur that a woman should be your confidante.
It sounds like he’s familiar and a part of you felt obligated to move forward. In spite of the infatuations. It is possible to care for someone and want the best for them while recognizing your inability to be the best for one another.
You settled and the attachments are your way of coping with the things you lack. But its progressive and will inevitably lead to physical encounters down the road.
I would desist in taking the reins and reevaluate my ideas of submission in light of your husband’s character and where he is today. True submission isn’t founded on our perception of its meaning but our willingness to respect and honor the other person out of deference to their position and the union blessed by God.
Only the Lord can shape a man. You can be his advocate and offer your prayers and support but you cannot define it for him. In the course of focusing on what he lacks you’ve forsaken the fruits of your station.
It is easy to yield when we’re getting what we want. It is easy to follow when you’re getting your way. It is hard to serve an imperfect man and view him as a gift from God.
That’s surrender not comfort.
Dear OP, please heed the advice above from LaBella. This is true wisdom and you must listen.
Please ignore the stone throwers. But remember what our Lord said, "Go and sin no more." John 8:1-12.
I used to commit both emotional infidelities and sadly physical infidelities too. I wish with every ounce of my being I could go back to myself at the beginning of the marriage and say (actually scream) what I know now.
1. GET AWAY FROM THAT GUY. Your boss, if that's the current attraction. Run for the hills and don't look back. I don't care about your electric bill or your grocery list. Forget your resume. This is your soul. Read Matthew 5:27-30. If Jesus said to pluck out your right eye and cut off your right arm, then I think He would tell you to quit your job.
2. TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND. This will require a quiet, gentle spirit and great discernment from the Lord.
I will be blunt with you sister... you don't yet have a quiet, gentle spirit. How do I know this? If you did, you wouldn't feel compelled to lead for your husband. I made the same mistake and wore the pants for years. It stifled his manhood and stressed me beyond belief. We might have to fix the cars, pay the bills, and take responsibility for all the guy stuff. But we're not the guy, period. Check out 1 Peter 3:1-6
In the meantime, you have the discernment of the Lord, praise Jesus. You're reaching out frantically sister and that is amazing. I wish I had that when I was going through my period of obstinacy. Personally, I was crippled from childhood abuse and had misleading spiritual influences that I didn't recognize at the time. It took many years of grappling with God and myself to finally have peace. My husband decided to stay with me, but I dragged him through hellish places. If only I had known...
You must always turn toward each other during times of conflict and turmoil. Right now, you have an entire empire in your head that your husband doesn't even know about. You gotta strike it down, and just abandon it completely forever. You know what it looks like to bear your cross. Likely there's something you're avoiding, I don't know what. The Lord will deal with you if you let Him. And while He's perfecting that spirit of meekness and gentleness in you, His grace will be enough.
Trust in His grace. Don't be so afraid for your marriage that you stifle love itself, the essence of which is selflessness, truthfulness... 1 Corinthians 13.
While the Holy Spirit renews your mind as you bathe in His Word, your spirit will transform and sexual temptation will become disgusting to you. It's not something you can just shake off. It's a work of the Spirit. To learn more about holiness and how much it means to God, read Isaiah. Start with Isaiah 1 and read through Isaiah 66.
And lastly, but very importantly. Read 1 Corinthians 7. Make sure you have plenty of fun, intimate time with your man as you work on repairing and maintaining your marriage. This is important to form a deeper connection, to quell your burning desire, and to validate his manhood.