Advice on marriage

Hi Bipolargirl,

I am sorry you are going through this horrible ordeal. I can't even begin to imagine the emotions you are feeling as a result of all this.

I think this marriage issue is something that is way more complicated than what can be helped through this forum so I would really encourage you to sit down with your pastor and/or pastor's wife and get some counseling for yourself if he refuses to go with you. They can help you navigate through this process and give you more wisdom and direction in person and in more detail than what can be offered here.

But to answer your specific question - no - what he is relating to you is not considered emotional abandonment. From what you've shared, it sounds like he is trying to be honest with you about where he's at, even if it's really painful to hear or deal with. It's best for both spouses to be honest in any marriage dilemma so that both spouses know where each other are at and then can work toward finding a resolution together somehow.

Pray, pray, pray. Jesus can change anyone's heart if they are willing and open.

It is possible (even likely) that your husband is spending his sexual energy outside of your marriage and possibly having an affair already.

Do you have any reason to suspect his affiliation with other women?

Bipolargirl said:

He is flip flopping right now stating that he doesn’t actually want that, he’s just bored and finds me unattractive to saying he doesn’t know what he wants.

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Obviously he found you attractive at one time. I think it's great that you're going on a diet and starting a workout program. Is your husband in good shape? Maybe you could workout together as a tool to help rebuild your relationship.

Bipolargirl said:

He doesn’t even have the slightest interest in marriage counseling or couples therapy.

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I would suggest you find a good Christian counselor (maybe a pastor at your church) who can help you rebuild your relationship with your husband. Your husband doesn't have to participate until he's ready.

The bottom line is you can't do this by yourself. You need help. And this is way too complicated for us to be of any real help to you here.

As others have said, you need the advice of your pastor. Several of them would be even better. This is not a "cut and dried" situation for which there is one answer that can instantly be given to you.

Bipolargirl said:

so, I can’t post in the marriage forum but that’s probably because my relationship status on here is private.
I’m married. I’m a Christian and my husband is not.
I don’t not believe in divorce.
He does not find me attractive at all, calls me fat (I just started a weight Watchers program and going to begin working out, I’m 200lbs at 5’9). He doesn’t even have the slightest interest in marriage counseling or couples therapy. He changed his mind about wanting children (which I was accepting of until the next fact). He used to tell me he just didn’t want to have sex at all until today which he told me he wants to have sex with other women. He is flip flopping right now stating that he doesn’t actually want that, he’s just bored and finds me unattractive to saying he doesn’t know what he wants.
I moved across the world for him.
I don’t believe in divorce but him stating that he’s not attracted to me, not sleeping with me, AND wants to sleep with other women (even if he doesnt physically act on that urge)...is this emotional abandonment? Is divorce even an option even though I despise it?
I don’t know what to do. I try to be a good Christian wife but what am I supposed to do?
I feel alone and abandoned.

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Ok, I have a couple bits of advice. You may find that you don't like my advice on a few things, and that's ok. You can just ignore the advice you don't like. Or even all of it.

He doesn’t even have the slightest interest in marriage counseling or couples therapy.

That's fine. YOU go to counseling yourself. Ask for advice. Ask for help from your church. Get counsel from a women who is happily married.

He does not find me attractive at all

You joined weight watchers, and that's a good start. What else have you done to make yourself appealing to your husband?

I had a relative long time ago, that got married and let herself go physically. Her husband ended up divorcing her. And then this magical thing happened.

She lost a ton of weight, started doing cross-fit. Grew her hair out long again. Started wearing skirts again. Suddenly she had a new boyfriend, and they ended up married.

In my mind I was thinking... well if she had done that with the previous guy, would he have divorced her?

Now I'm a guy, and you can say I'm full of it... but sometimes I wonder if women push their husbands away... and then suddenly they do what is required to attract a man again. I keep thinking, maybe if they had done what is required to attract their husband, when they had a husband, the husband would have never left.

Lastly.....

I heard from a woman who successfully saved her marriage. Her solution was that every single day, she would ask herself.... what would I do if I really loved my husband, and wanted him to fall in love with me?

And she started doing those things. Whatever those things were. Silly little things like you would do in high school or college. Like leave a note with a heart on it, in his lunch box.

Now for her it worked. Her married turned around. I don't know what will work for you.

I try to be a good Christian wife but what am I supposed to do?
I feel alone and abandoned.

You are not alone. But you are in a fight. You must do your best, until the end. Hopefully you won't have to divorce. It's horrible and terrible, and painful. But if you do the very best you can, and he is just running all over town... then... well... it sucks but life is messy. Just make absolutely sure you did everything you could possibly do. So that when you reach whatever end, you know you can say that you did the very best you could.

Bipolargirl said:

My husband isn’t a Christian though...he’s against even secular couples therapy.
He’s not very fit. He drinks a lot (6-12+ beers a night)

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Understood.

I'm suggesting you go see a counselor or pastor on your own for help in how to deal with your relationship. In time, maybe your husband will be open to joining you.

The fact that he drinks so much suggest that he's not very happy in his life. This may have absolutely nothing to do with you. He needs help working through whatever issues are driving him to drink. You may be able to help him if you have someone who can guide you in the process.

I wouldn't try counseling with a pastor because that is hit or miss. If you want great step by step counseling, go to the forums at marriagebuilders.com and post in the marriagebuilders 101 forum.

When a man talks like your husband does, often it turns out he is having an affair. He has a new point of comparison and you no longer measure up. 5'9" and 200 pounds means you are carrying a bit extra but not to the extent that a normal man would no longer be able to have an interest. If you have an athletic or muscular build, even less so. While there are things you might be able to do to be a better participant in your marriage, your problem is likely not that.

The folks at the forums in marriagebuilders.com will help you save your marriage if at all possible. Use of the site is completely free. The forum is supervised by a Christian psychologist who specializes in saving marriages.

Bipolargirl said:

My husband isn’t a Christian though...he’s against even secular couples therapy.
He’s not very fit. He drinks a lot (6-12+ beers a night)

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So, that's a lot. That will significantly interfere with libido and marital behaviors. It's also an indicator of an addiction. As long as one partner has an addiction a marriage is greatly handicapped. You may need to set your foot down about this.

Dr. Harley (the Christian psychologist at marriagebuilders.com) ran a chain of addiction clinics in Minnesota at one point in his career and he is very helpful and knowledgeable about solving marital problems that involve addictions. I have to warn you, though, that he has found in his experience in dealing with 1,000's of couples that the addiction has to be kicked in order for the marriage to flourish.