Christian single & childless women 40+, what is our purpose in life?

AnnaDeborah · Aug 24, 2018

Hi @SamanthaM I don't know if you are still checking this thread as it's a while since it was last updated, but I thought I'd pop down my thoughts in case they're helpful.

I'm 43, single and childless - I found out a long time back that I wouldn't be able to have kids, so I guess I'm qualified to join in!

A couple of thoughts - one is that although single women can be encouraged to look down on themselves by the prevailing attitude in many churches ("oh dear, haven't you found anyone yet? We'll have to do something about that." - as if singleness is some kind of disease that needs curing!), I don't think the 'what am I doing with my life' thing is limited to us. I have a couple of married-with-kids friends my age who sometimes comment on my 'freedom' and how they are so tied down by raising kids they haven't been able to do anything! They feel they have 'missed out' on doing something great for the Lord by having a family...so I think maybe it is partly just a stage of life thing. We realise we have used up a lot of our time down here and start to feel we could be using it more wisely!

Another is that sometimes, we have this idea that our 'purpose' has to be some huge, glamorous thing. I'm blessed in that sense in that I grew up knowing an amazing older lady who lived a very ordinary life, yet she made every minute count by living for the Lord. She died at 93, single and childless, her nearest relative a niece who lived a long way off. Yet her funeral was jam packed with people of all ages whose lives she had blessed. You won't find her mentioned in any list of 'influential Christians', but she had a tremendous influence on the lives of every person she met. So I guess from a very early age, I knew that God can use us in really small ways to make a big difference, and you don't have to be married to do it.

With the whole childlessness thing, I may not have my own kids, but I have godchildren and I am an 'adopted' auntie to some friends' kids who either don't have biological aunties or ones who live too far away to see them. And you know, I am so close to these kids that when someone asks 'are they your brothers' kids or your sisters'?' it's always a shock to remember that I'm not actually a blood relative. I also sponsor a little boy through Compassion. I would not have nearly so much time to give to these kids if I had my own family to care for. I have a 'family' of kids that I pray for every day, spend time with, write to, and do everything I can to help and encourage.

I guess the short answer to 'what is our purpose' is that we pray, follow God, seek His face, serve Him in the small everyday things while asking Him if there is anything big He wants us to do. Because we are never too old to step out in faith and serve the Lord in a new way if He calls us! Maybe God just wants you to keep being faithful in what you are doing already, but maybe He has a new thing for you. If you are feeling like you could be doing more, bring it to Him and ask Him. (Be aware the answer could take you seriously out of your comfort zone though - I prayed that 4 years ago, and I'm about to start on a new part time ministry with my church, and I'm really scared as well as excited! But hey, I did pray that the Lord would give me the opportunity to serve Him more so I can't complain now I have my prayer answered!!!)

Heavenhome · Aug 25, 2018

AnnaDeborah said:
Hi @SamanthaM I don't know if you are still checking this thread as it's a while since it was last updated, but I thought I'd pop down my thoughts in case they're helpful.

I'm 43, single and childless - I found out a long time back that I wouldn't be able to have kids, so I guess I'm qualified to join in!

A couple of thoughts - one is that although single women can be encouraged to look down on themselves by the prevailing attitude in many churches ("oh dear, haven't you found anyone yet? We'll have to do something about that." - as if singleness is some kind of disease that needs curing!), I don't think the 'what am I doing with my life' thing is limited to us. I have a couple of married-with-kids friends my age who sometimes comment on my 'freedom' and how they are so tied down by raising kids they haven't been able to do anything! They feel they have 'missed out' on doing something great for the Lord by having a family...so I think maybe it is partly just a stage of life thing. We realise we have used up a lot of our time down here and start to feel we could be using it more wisely!

Another is that sometimes, we have this idea that our 'purpose' has to be some huge, glamorous thing. I'm blessed in that sense in that I grew up knowing an amazing older lady who lived a very ordinary life, yet she made every minute count by living for the Lord. She died at 93, single and childless, her nearest relative a niece who lived a long way off. Yet her funeral was jam packed with people of all ages whose lives she had blessed. You won't find her mentioned in any list of 'influential Christians', but she had a tremendous influence on the lives of every person she met. So I guess from a very early age, I knew that God can use us in really small ways to make a big difference, and you don't have to be married to do it.

With the whole childlessness thing, I may not have my own kids, but I have godchildren and I am an 'adopted' auntie to some friends' kids who either don't have biological aunties or ones who live too far away to see them. And you know, I am so close to these kids that when someone asks 'are they your brothers' kids or your sisters'?' it's always a shock to remember that I'm not actually a blood relative. I also sponsor a little boy through Compassion. I would not have nearly so much time to give to these kids if I had my own family to care for. I have a 'family' of kids that I pray for every day, spend time with, write to, and do everything I can to help and encourage.

I guess the short answer to 'what is our purpose' is that we pray, follow God, seek His face, serve Him in the small everyday things while asking Him if there is anything big He wants us to do. Because we are never too old to step out in faith and serve the Lord in a new way if He calls us! Maybe God just wants you to keep being faithful in what you are doing already, but maybe He has a new thing for you. If you are feeling like you could be doing more, bring it to Him and ask Him. (Be aware the answer could take you seriously out of your comfort zone though - I prayed that 4 years ago, and I'm about to start on a new part time ministry with my church, and I'm really scared as well as excited! But hey, I did pray that the Lord would give me the opportunity to serve Him more so I can't complain now I have my prayer answered!!!)

Thank you for your post,Annadeborah I agree with all you said, I too had a very dear elderly friend too whose example of faithful constant prayer has given me such inspiration as she was a quiet,humble precious lady, so unassuming and whilst no fanfare here on earth, as many today sadly think necessary, I am sure there was a banquet for her when the Lord called her home.
These dear ones are such treasures.

PS, be careful what you pray for!!!!!

Seriously though, whatever He has for you to do, He will enable you.

Joined2krist · Sep 1, 2018

Hi Sam,

We are age mates but you are a year older. I'm also single but for some reason I'm not troubled by it. I've been through times when I was so desperate for companionship but it never worked, I looked but I didn't find, I was in a dark place because I always dreamed of a family of my own and kids too. I have two neighbors who work nearby, one especially is the same age as I am but has four kids, is married, has both parents, parent- in-laws, siblings all alive while I'm an orphan. You can imagine how much I need grace to cope with certain thoughts. That said, I will be nothing without a relationship with God and fellowship with other Christians. I frankly think it's going to be real hard for any single person trying to get by without God in the mix. To cope, I've fully involved myself in church activities not because I'll be lonely if I didn't but because as single people we tend to have more time on our hands than married folks, why not use it to serve God actively in church? Another thing I find a source of joy is owning my own business. Are you a pet lover? I'm grateful for the experience and knowledge i gained, growing up around pets, I love them and they have helped me manage my single life. I now own 2 dogs. My life's not perfect, I'm still a work in progress, we all are regardless of our marital status

The challenges of living as a single person will always be there but it's how we cope that matters. Like I said before, I don't think it's possible without having a relationship with God.

I believe you'll find your purpose, trust God with your life sister, He'll handle everything

Godcrazy · Sep 24, 2018

You guys are quite something! You are really brave and perfect as you are.
Well me.. I never thought I could go marry someone just to marry, and have kids, like I saw other people do. They didn't seem like they were in love, or even a best friend. Plus, I'm deep, intellectual, and a all or nothing I could settle for a best friend, but not just .. Grey.. So much I want to do, still, so many interests.. Study, meet interesting people, ministry, revival.. Life at full.. Alive.. Not.. Grey.. So, I've always wanted an equal to me, a soulmate.. I could have kids, yes, its just not happened. I've had people say to just go pregnant with anyone. As I've lived most my life outside faith. But I never could leave a child with no father. Let alone could I just marry unless there is similarities. And even then I have more I like to do. My parents are old and were abusive and the siblings not so much better so not much contact, so im by myself so to speak. Met a non Christian who believed but in a new age way, and dragged me in it. Hes moved away and I don't know if I'll see him again. He's having mental health issues and physically. He needed time to get help. But so much has passed, and he doesn't know where I'm at now faith wise.
At work all they can do is talk about family, and behave towards me like thet don't know what to say as they couldn't talk kids or family. But even if I had, I'm quickly done with that substance please. Which leaves me even more outcasts but at least if I meet some they'll be genuine. I'm very social, but I don't have any friends, because of moving, health, work, isolated with my ex, people just don't get back to me although I swop number, dated a guy in a church he used me, then the church stopped speaking to me. Things like that.
All i have are new age online friends who rarely speak.
So yes it hurts but I will study and work as I am, and go to new church. If I meet someone I will. The last I talked to through a dating site wanted me to come out into the woods, without seeing him. The deed woods. The second time he wanted me out in a huge country side.

Godcrazy · Sep 24, 2018

It's much harder to find someone who is a bit like you. Just a little. Those that were

Godcrazy · Sep 24, 2018

Sorry I have terrible lag

Those that were took advantage of me, badly. Christian guys.
I could write a book.
I've had interest yes. I have also had those attacking me for being plus size. No not an easy life.
One Christian guy didn't want me because I didn't have bones through my hips. He ended up with a mail order bride who used and dropped him.
My ex, or what I should call him, he loved me and was a good man but then he got ill and turned 180 degrees
But we were really best friends.
I still don't know, if God wants him saved through me. Well see.
But definitely, Christian men aren't necessarily better than non Christian. Yes another type of problem. But moral wise and behave not necessarily.
But I don't advocate either.
It's lonely, when eeeeeeeveryone seems to have a family, and you don't. You wonder if you go to the grave alone. Not one or very few who cares. But I've found, that many of them don't even if. And then there are those who are the most fab. Those I live for .And God.
Same time, so much to do. So much you can do And I refuse to believe you can't, just because of Age, anything. What about her who climb Mt everest at 80? I'd love a friend like that. I might be that. To someone .

Godcrazy · Sep 24, 2018

Don't get me wrong. I'd love my family to death and do anything for them. But I'd also take them to Africa =)

SLS · Apr 24, 2019

Hi Samatha! Just know this that God loves you, he sees you and he has a awesome plan and purpose for your life

. If God didnt love you then he wouldn't of sent Jesus to die for you. If you was the only person to have ever accepted Jesus, God still would of sent Jesus just for you

The bible says in the NLT version in Jeremiah 29:11 “I know the plans that I have for you says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Just know that God has not denied you a husband and kids. If God was gonna deny you anything it would of been his Son Jesus. God gave you everything when he gave you Jesus. We have to grow our trust or faith in God when we cant see the future. The way we do that is by spending time with him through reading the bible and through talking (prayer) to him.
I recommend this little book called “In Him”
By Kenneth E. Hagin. You can get it for one dollar on the rhema. Org website or though amazon. I bought mine on my iphone and read it on my ibooks app. It will help you see yourself as God sees you

I am 43 and I have been single all my life. I never been married or had kids, Even though I always wanted to be married and have kids so I can raise them to serve God. I do also at times feel at lost and I cant see the future and like I came to a dead end in my life also. But lets be glad that we know the One who sees all And who knows all and who loves all unconditionally. I thought single people could have a greater purpose because they can do more for God. But here I am abnormal. I’m not called to pastor even though I went to a school of ministry for two years cause God told me to. But instead God wants me to help in church. Thats pretty much it. I teach the bible to kids on Sundays! And by profession I teach preachoolers! Talk about bitter sweet. It hurts to be around do my job at times cause I’m constantly Surrounded by something that I dont have and would have loved to had, a family. Mother hood is such a blessing and so worth doing that it hurts that I’m not a mother. It hurts that I’m not the preferred one.They want their mommy not me. Then I deal with the shame of not only still being single but childless and at my age. Women my age are all well
Established. Not me. Im old, ugly, never married and worse of all childless and alone. But thats when I have to spend time with God, reading my bible and talking to him and allowing him to heal me and to help me believe that what he wants me do in life is important. Thats when I have to remind myself and say What God says about me. Again I recommend this little book called “In Him” By Kenneth E. Hagin. You can get it for one dollar on the rhema. Org website or though amazon. I bought mine on my iphone and read it on my ibooks app.

Heavenhome · Apr 24, 2019

SLS said:
Hi Samatha! Just know this that God loves you, he sees you and he has a awesome plan and purpose for your life. If God didnt love you then he wouldn't of sent Jesus to die for you. If you was the only person to have ever accepted Jesus, God still would of sent Jesus just for you The bible says in the NLT version in Jeremiah 29:11 “I know the plans that I have for you says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Just know that God has not denied you a husband and kids. If God was gonna deny you anything it would of been his Son Jesus. God gave you everything when he gave you Jesus. We have to grow our trust or faith in God when we cant see the future. The way we do that is by spending time with him through reading the bible and through talking (prayer) to him.
I recommend this little book called “In Him”
By Kenneth E. Hagin. You can get it for one dollar on the rhema. Org website or though amazon. I bought mine on my iphone and read it on my ibooks app. It will help you see yourself as God sees you

I am 43 and I have been single all my life. I never been married or had kids, Even though I always wanted to be married and have kids so I can raise them to serve God. I do also at times feel at lost and I cant see the future and like I came to a dead end in my life also. But lets be glad that we know the One who sees all And who knows all and who loves all unconditionally. I thought single people could have a greater purpose because they can do more for God. But here I am abnormal. I’m not called to pastor even though I went to a school of ministry for two years cause God told me to. But instead God wants me to help in church. Thats pretty much it. I teach the bible to kids on Sundays! And by profession I teach preachoolers! Talk about bitter sweet. It hurts to be around do my job at times cause I’m constantly Surrounded by something that I dont have and would have loved to had, a family. Mother hood is such a blessing and so worth doing that it hurts that I’m not a mother. It hurts that I’m not the preferred one.They want their mommy not me. Then I deal with the shame of not only still being single but childless and at my age. Women my age are all well
Established. Not me. Im old, ugly, never married and worse of all childless and alone. But thats when I have to spend time with God, reading my bible and talking to him and allowing him to heal me and to help me believe that what he wants me do in life is important. Thats when I have to remind myself and say What God says about me. Again I recommend this little book called “In Him” By Kenneth E. Hagin. You can get it for one dollar on the rhema. Org website or though amazon. I bought mine on my iphone and read it on my ibooks app.

You are none of the things you said about yourself. You are most precious and loved by God and that is all that matters.

I'm not speaking platitudes to you, I am single,never married, some disability and other problems too. I am now 60 live alone with my two dogs and cat (so not alone really). I am so thankful that even though who and what I am in the worlds eyes mean nothing: I have my Lord and that is all that matters.
Each of us were made exactly as God wanted us, He knew us even before we were formed.
And oh what joy awaits us in heaven!

Sir Robbins · May 5, 2019

SamanthaM said:
Hello blackribbon,

I understand what you mean by dreams, but for me they have never been guiding lights in my life. I do have talents and passions, but they have so far driven me further away from other people instead of connecting me, because they are usually lonely quests (I do classical oil painting for example). I feel that it is time for me to take steps towards other people more and if that means stepping away from my own passions that is okay.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, it is encouraging to read about your openness for entirely new "adventures", I wish you all the best!

you sound like an artist (personality type speaking). Dreams are great, we have talents but hesitate to act on them in the public eye because we know the consequences of them and they can be messy so you do them alone. You speak of your talents keeping you in lonely quests as mine do too when you choose to act on them such as painting. It's been an issue of mine too. I'll be 30 this year, never in a relationship, ect and I too don't see it changing. I honestly don't want it too. I enjoy my dreams but hate the reality of them and since there are certain things that are obligations in a relationship that I don't want, I avoid them. Do you relate to this? Is there anything you feel driving you away from them by chance?

Run to Jesus · May 30, 2019

Hi

Sorry for not reading through everything. I'm single (always been), childless and 40+ .
My take on the topic is if you knew your purpose in life before realizing you had not yet met your significant other then the purpose remains. I doubt that a purpose in life changes it is just that you get a different assignment as a married woman which is being a help mate to your husband. I think that if God had intended for you to make a life saving drug before you married that wouldn't change just because you got married. You just have to add your being a help mate to your husband as well.

Lybrah · Jun 24, 2019

SamanthaM said:
Hello,

Are there any Christian women here who are around 40 and single? Are you ever struggeling with the question what your purpose is in life? I am 38, I never had a relationship and I am not not looking for a partner. I am coming to the end of my childbearing years, so I am fairly certain that building a family will not be part of my life. I am not unhappy, I am actually quite a joyful person, but I feel at a loss. I have never had any role models of women that stayed ummarried and childless, but otherwise had a normal life (not in ministry, no entrepreneur or academic career etc). The ones I have known always seemed to look back at their lives with disappointment and regret as if something has been missing, and this is not what I hope for in my life. How can I live a fulfilled and productive life? How do I find my role in the world (at an age where most people are already well established)? What help and direction can I expect from God, who has denied me a husband and family? I have always told him that I trust him to give me a different and greater blessing instead, but so far I have not seen what it could be.

I am not looking for comfort, I am very grateful for everything my life has been so far. But I don't see the future, and I don't know what my life is supposed to be, all that time I spend alone seems kind of wasted. Also lingering under the surface a very real and dark despair about being alone must still exist, because last Sunday in church the preacher spoke about marriage and I could not stop crying the entire afternoon. That hit me out of nowhere, I was not aware of that hurt. I guess it is mostly an overwhelming sense of failure. How do I go forward from here? Single ladies around my age or older, I would very much like to hear your thoughts and experiences. Thank you!

Samantha

I'm okay with the fact sometimes that I am over forty and unmarried, but I feel like a failure most of the time, especially seeing everyone I've ever met get married and have children. I am afraid that one day I will wake up in an inconsolable state of crying. The problem is, I can't find anyone good enough to date. I get annoyed by men who seem to be interested in me.

BillieMae · Aug 9, 2019

Samantha, I've read through the thread, and I've seen a wealth of wisdom and compassion. I only have a little to add.

The merits of singleness: You can focus your time, resources, and passion on what really matters: our Lord. And from an earthly perspective, you're your own boss.

I've been single for 31 years (was married for 15) and I really love it.

I will pray you find contentment.

bèlla · Aug 10, 2019

My grandparents had four daughters. Two married and two did not. My mother is the lone one who had children. I hadn’t considered singleness in this light until your comment.

My single aunts lived comfortable lives, had thriving careers, and were a blessing to my mother’s children. Both were family oriented and excellent teachers. I’m uncertain if their example influences my outlook or my discomfort with self-pity. It’s probably a bit of both.

I suspect their saving grace is contentment and a belief in a greater purpose. No one believed their worth was dependent on marriage and children. They were reared with the understanding we have many roles and family didn’t occupy the whole.

Purpose has added richness and meaning to my person. Its provided a roadmap and deeper appreciation for my experiences. Although I have a daughter and I’m still able to bear children the probability of having more is slim.

The fulfillment of my mission, preparing my daughter for marriage, and legacy are my focus. Marriage won’t set either aside. It will add to the abundance I’ve been given thus far.

If I truly desired children adoption or fostering is a possibility. That is true for most. I have no wish to undertake either. But if the want is resting on someone’s heart they should seek the matter in prayer.

HisGraceAbounds · Aug 14, 2019

I always hoped to meet a woman who was child-free and wanted (without any chance of changing her mind down the road) to remain child-free. I thought I could have built a long-lasting relationship with a woman like that. I don't doubt for a second that women face some serious pressures for not marrying and/or raising families. I can only imagine. Guys face that too. Many, many, many times in the past I've been called horrific names because of my stance on children and that I am 'weird' for not wanting to have them.

Being different is often a hard road to travel.

BillieMae · Aug 14, 2019

HisGraceAbounds: Where were you 30 years ago? Seriously, I'm a woman of the same mind as you. But for whatever reason, I really don't recall any persecution because of it.

HisGraceAbounds · Aug 17, 2019

BillieMae said:
HisGraceAbounds: Where were you 30 years ago? Seriously, I'm a woman of the same mind as you. But for whatever reason, I really don't recall any persecution because of it.

I wasn't 'persecuted' because of my views, but they were certainly unpopular and singled me out for commentary by other people.

ThisIsMe123 · Sep 5, 2019

SamanthaM said:
Hello,

Are there any Christian women here who are around 40 and single? Are you ever struggeling with the question what your purpose is in life? I am 38, I never had a relationship and I am not not looking for a partner. I am coming to the end of my childbearing years, so I am fairly certain that building a family will not be part of my life. I am not unhappy, I am actually quite a joyful person, but I feel at a loss. I have never had any role models of women that stayed ummarried and childless, but otherwise had a normal life (not in ministry, no entrepreneur or academic career etc). The ones I have known always seemed to look back at their lives with disappointment and regret as if something has been missing, and this is not what I hope for in my life. How can I live a fulfilled and productive life? How do I find my role in the world (at an age where most people are already well established)? What help and direction can I expect from God, who has denied me a husband and family? I have always told him that I trust him to give me a different and greater blessing instead, but so far I have not seen what it could be.

I am not looking for comfort, I am very grateful for everything my life has been so far. But I don't see the future, and I don't know what my life is supposed to be, all that time I spend alone seems kind of wasted. Also lingering under the surface a very real and dark despair about being alone must still exist, because last Sunday in church the preacher spoke about marriage and I could not stop crying the entire afternoon. That hit me out of nowhere, I was not aware of that hurt. I guess it is mostly an overwhelming sense of failure. How do I go forward from here? Single ladies around my age or older, I would very much like to hear your thoughts and experiences. Thank you!

Samantha

You'd be surprised on the dating profiles I keep seeing of women over 40 still saying they are wanting to have kids...IF they don't have kids already. I don't have kids, but I said to myself, if I turn 40...that'll be the cut off. I am approaching my late 40s now, and I've even seen women in their mid-40s wanting to have kids. I just never saw the appeal in being an AARP-aged parent. A 55 year old with a 10 year old, being the only silver haired parent dropping off the kids at school doesn't appeal to me...and...my retirement funds.

bèlla · Sep 5, 2019

Sometimes a woman’s desire to have children over 40 is personal and there are instances where the Lord has placed the burden on their heart.

I finished rearing my daughter in my late thirties and have led a carefree lifestyle for a long while. Marriage and family were the first issues He addressed. I had to relinquish my freedom in deference to His and be willing to embrace both.

I see many older parents in my neighborhood. There isn’t a stigma involved. Its common in affluent areas. They have the means to hire the help they need. And I’d do the same.

I don’t place my hope in retirement plans. And I worked in finance. The Lord has been good to me. He enabled me to leave the workforce in my thirties and has provided a vibrant sustenance through self-employment. Everything under heavens is His. Including my resources.

Citanul · Sep 5, 2019

ThisIsMe123 said:
I don't have kids, but I said to myself, if I turn 40...that'll be the cut off.

I used to not have any real position on having kids, mainly because I never came close to them being a possibility, but I did have in the back of my mind that 44 would be a cut off age as that was how old my dad was when my brother was born.

I'm 40 now, but that 44 cut off no longer exists as I've come to conclusion that don't want kids at all. I've never had any real desire to have anything to do with children in any way, and hearing the sorts of things that my colleagues who do have kids have to deal with makes me wonder just what the benefits are in having children.

I know it's cost me one otherwise very promising dating opportunity, and probably more as many women in their mid to late 30s (the age range I'm typically looking to date) are still wanting to have kids. But it's not something I see myself budging on, so I'll have to accept the consequences of my decision not to have any.

being the only silver haired parent

You could always dye it.

Christian single & childless women 40+, what is our purpose in life?

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