Hey so I'm posting this here because I'm at a loss and completely desperate and in need of advice, hoping someone can help. It's a long story but please bear with me. So I first came to know Jesus when I was 16. I was saved, baptized, started witnessing for Christ and knew I was saved beyond a shadow of a doubt. But being 16 I was a stupid, reckless kid and a part of me wasn't ready to take my eyes off worldly desires. I made some bad choices and things took a turn for the worst when at 18 I got into drugs and developed a meth addiction. I started selling meth to supply my habit, joined a pretty prominent street gang in my city and for the next two years I was either on the streets homeless, living at gang houses, or in and out of jail. I sold drugs and carried out my duties as a gang member which involved some pretty violent stuff. But that's not the worst part. A certain subset of this particular gang was very heavy into the occult. At first I avoided it like the plague because I still considered myself a Christian but eventually I dabbled in it and it sucked me in just like the meth. I got involved in it pretty deep, although only for a short time (under 6 months) because this is where I believe God really started convicting me. I felt this uncontrollable heaviness and emptiness as well as feeling of guilt and eventually that along with a culmination of other events led me to give up drugs, gang life, and the occult all together. I started praying again and definitely felt the presence of the Holy Spirit. After wrestling with the idea for a while i eventually felt conviction that I couldn't ignore and decided to make a serious commitment for God.
However shortly afterwards I hit what I probably consider the darkest patch of my life (which is saying a lot, because I've been through some pretty rough stuff). I was dealing with very intense mental health issues (hearing/seeing things, intense paranoia, unbearable depression and ocd, among other things), also spiritual oppression and emotional trauma mainly stemming from my past drug use and occult involvement, also from tramautic events that transpired during my time as a gang member. Basically it got to a point where my mindstate was unbearable and I felt completely and irreversibly broken. I had given up any hope that things would ever get better or that God could ever restore me and in the midst of my despair decided my only hope of ever getting out of the hole I was in was to go back into bondage to the evil spirits I used to serve in the occult. (I feel stupid and ashamed just typing that but believe me I wasnt in my right mind at all at the time) I basically did a little makeshift ritual with what things I could find around the house (I had thrown out all my actual occult materials) and il spare the details but long story short I did everything in my power to curse, blaspheme, and permanently renounce God in my heart and sell myself back into bondage to these spirits. The whole time I felt horrible about what I was doing, I felt ashamed of myself and immense guilt. About a week afterward, I got on my knees and told God that I chose to serve Him and Him alone and that I would move forward doing my best to comply with His will.
Now it's been a few months since then and I've been doing my best to stay true to that prayer. I've actually made pretty amazing progress. I haven't missed church in months, I read the Bible daily, I dedicate time in my day to prayer every day. But I feel so empty. For the first time in my life since I was 16 (I'm 21 now) I no longer feel the presence of God. At all. No conviction, no assurance, peace, nothing. I'm actually living more for God then I ever have been in my life. Im actively trying to conform not only my actions but my heart and mindstate to be in accordance with His will. My frame of mind is immensely healthier now than it was then (although I still struggle with spiritual oppression but it's only at night now
). But I'm under so much guilt and condemnationn for what I did. I can never feel the presence of God. I set aside time for prayer daily but when I pray It feels like talking to thin air, I actually feel stupid like I'm talking to myself and like there's no way God hears me. (Whereas prayer used to feel very real and personal) In church I look around and feel like I'm the only one who's heart isn't into the service, like I'm just there out of obligation (though I do enjoy going). Ive repented in prayer for that same thing countless times but it never feels like enough, like I don't get to do something like that and just say sorry and be forgiven. Overall im at a loss for what to do and desperate to have fellowship with God again and I'm just hoping someone could have some advice for me I feel like I've been trying harder then ever but I'm getting nowhere, like God's shut the door on me. A big part of me thinks I crossed the line and that I'm now reprobate but then I get a glimmer of hope and I feel like all I can do is perservere in prayer and reading the Word daily and doing my best to walk in His ways. I'm also planning on joining a prison ministry at my church this summer but I can't help but feel like im not a real Christian because God has given me up after what I did. I was going to talk to my pastor about it but it's a very hard topic for me to bring up in person and I actually debated for a long time before posting here. Thank you in advance for all the replies, appreciate anything anyone has to say.
However shortly afterwards I hit what I probably consider the darkest patch of my life (which is saying a lot, because I've been through some pretty rough stuff). I was dealing with very intense mental health issues (hearing/seeing things, intense paranoia, unbearable depression and ocd, among other things), also spiritual oppression and emotional trauma mainly stemming from my past drug use and occult involvement, also from tramautic events that transpired during my time as a gang member. Basically it got to a point where my mindstate was unbearable and I felt completely and irreversibly broken. I had given up any hope that things would ever get better or that God could ever restore me and in the midst of my despair decided my only hope of ever getting out of the hole I was in was to go back into bondage to the evil spirits I used to serve in the occult. (I feel stupid and ashamed just typing that but believe me I wasnt in my right mind at all at the time) I basically did a little makeshift ritual with what things I could find around the house (I had thrown out all my actual occult materials) and il spare the details but long story short I did everything in my power to curse, blaspheme, and permanently renounce God in my heart and sell myself back into bondage to these spirits. The whole time I felt horrible about what I was doing, I felt ashamed of myself and immense guilt. About a week afterward, I got on my knees and told God that I chose to serve Him and Him alone and that I would move forward doing my best to comply with His will.
Now it's been a few months since then and I've been doing my best to stay true to that prayer. I've actually made pretty amazing progress. I haven't missed church in months, I read the Bible daily, I dedicate time in my day to prayer every day. But I feel so empty. For the first time in my life since I was 16 (I'm 21 now) I no longer feel the presence of God. At all. No conviction, no assurance, peace, nothing. I'm actually living more for God then I ever have been in my life. Im actively trying to conform not only my actions but my heart and mindstate to be in accordance with His will. My frame of mind is immensely healthier now than it was then (although I still struggle with spiritual oppression but it's only at night now
). But I'm under so much guilt and condemnationn for what I did. I can never feel the presence of God. I set aside time for prayer daily but when I pray It feels like talking to thin air, I actually feel stupid like I'm talking to myself and like there's no way God hears me. (Whereas prayer used to feel very real and personal) In church I look around and feel like I'm the only one who's heart isn't into the service, like I'm just there out of obligation (though I do enjoy going). Ive repented in prayer for that same thing countless times but it never feels like enough, like I don't get to do something like that and just say sorry and be forgiven. Overall im at a loss for what to do and desperate to have fellowship with God again and I'm just hoping someone could have some advice for me I feel like I've been trying harder then ever but I'm getting nowhere, like God's shut the door on me. A big part of me thinks I crossed the line and that I'm now reprobate but then I get a glimmer of hope and I feel like all I can do is perservere in prayer and reading the Word daily and doing my best to walk in His ways. I'm also planning on joining a prison ministry at my church this summer but I can't help but feel like im not a real Christian because God has given me up after what I did. I was going to talk to my pastor about it but it's a very hard topic for me to bring up in person and I actually debated for a long time before posting here. Thank you in advance for all the replies, appreciate anything anyone has to say.
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