My boyfriend lied to me about being a virgin

PaulCyp1

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Your boyfriend withheld this very personal and painful fact because He didn't want to chance hurting you, or worse, causing you not to trust him in the future. But he finally loved and trusted you enough to take the chance, trust in your love, and tell you the truth. Now the ball is in your court. Will you let his fears come true, or will you have the strength to forgive and forget, and allow your relationship to continue growing in mutual love and trust? I will pray for both of you.
 
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tryphena rose

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My fiance and I are waiting until marriage but I am not a virgin. I was open and honest with him about this before we entered into a relationship (Christ used him reach me as I was an atheist). What God's taught us is that the truth should always be put first and foremost in any relationship. Christ must be at the head of your relationship, especially when it comes to a lifelong marriage. Once you start to lose sight of Jesus or place unrealistic expectations on your boyfriend, expectations which only God can fulfill, then your relationship will start to crumble. He sinned not only in having sex outside of marriage, but also in his lie to you. Showing him the grace and mercy Christ has shown you by forgiving you of your sins, will be much better than condemning him for a past mistake. Especially since it seems he recognizes his wrong if he's willing to turn over a new leaf and wait to have sex with you once you're married.

The mercy, grace and forgiveness my fiance showed me was a huge testament to the love of Christ because I truly felt unworthy, yet God has blessed me greatly and He continues to do so even now. I'll be praying for you both. :prayer:
 
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jenna p

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Expect people to let you down, even your boyfriend. But how he handles it tells you everything you need to know

If he handles it with integrity forgive him and be thankful. As humans almost all of us have a tendency to manipulate situations with how we react to conflicts.

But when one reacts with integrity you know they are truly sorry
Thanks for your response. How would you define someone reacting with integrity? What would that look like? thanks
 
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jenna p

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Cherry picking the Bible never works. You can't stand on biblical texts regarding lying while ignoring scriptures on fornication. God won't honor that and when you and your boyfriend started sexually sinning, you both kicked God out of your relationship. You both need to stop sinning in the relationship by having sex and repent. You then need to give the relationship to God and see if He gives it back to you and if God does does do so, you will both have to work hard on it because you no longer trust him. You also can't really trust at this point that he only had sex with his ex-girlfriend only one time. I find that highly suspect. Your bigger hurt than that he lied to you, is you now realize you were not having sex with him because you are special to him because he already had sex with another and he lied to you and manipulated you, telling what he thought would help to convince you to ignore God's word and have sex with him anyways. Your relationship at this time is not built on God's foundations and it is much bigger an issue than that your boyfriend lied to you.
dude what are you talking about? we have never had sex. it was only him and his girlfriend while he was dating her.
 
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jenna p

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To me, this post is unbelievable in a "Christian" advice section. Marriage, in the bible, is a sacred covenant that is sealed like any other biblical covenant, in blood. To condone an action where a woman lost her virginity before marriage, or he was with somebody else who had already lost her virginity, promotes an action that stands against the character and will of our Creator.

@jenna p you have every right not to trust him. But that doesn't mean he shouldn't be given a second chance and be given an opportunity to EARN that trust back. And I would go down that route, and make sure you are back to a point of trust, BEFORE marrying him. If you never get back that point of full trust... walk away. There are others... :)
Love this. Thanks for your wisdom
 
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Cis.jd

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Thanks for your response. How would you define someone reacting with integrity? What would that look like? thanks
I wouldn't define this in the context of integrity. He sounds young, inexperienced.. and overall a common male who is learning, just we all did (and still do). I understand how this sucks for you because you may have had hopes/ideals about sharing the 1st time experience together. I can't belittle your personal life goals or wishes. But as you get older, you realize that not every goal can happen, especially goals when it deals with "love". Love is a decision, so it's up to you what you feel is right.
 
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Chris V++

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I don't know if anyone has said this yet and I haven't read the other comments but, given the power of the male libido, the fact that he is willing to wait with you and isn't constantly trying to subtly or vehemently pressure you speaks volumes about his character. (Presuming he isn't with someone behind your back.)
 
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Ronald

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Awesome response. Love it. Thanks for your input! Yeah the biggest part for me is wondering if he lies frequently. It's nothing to do with the fact he had sex. It is about lying. How much more has he or will he lie to me? But yeah, you're right... we all have our sins. But because we are not married, if he does lie then I am not going to tolerate lying and our relationship may not work out. Thoughts?
As someone else advised, he lied to hold onto you long enough and avoid hurting you until your love grew strong enough to handle this information. If he told you up front, he feared he would not have a chance with you.
We are insecure with relationships which is the reason we present only our best in the beginning.
That said, a relationship with a compulsive liar won't work. Ask him if there is anything else - tell me now?
There's no rush to marry, put it off, but give him the benefit of the doubt. If you discover he lies often, you can't trust him.
Pray for guidance everyday, God will answer your prayer. Sometimes emotions get in the way of rational thinking and even spiritual guidance. God can be obviously leading us in the right direction and we can go in another - ignoring that inner voice. It happens to the best of us.

Look inside this guy apart from how he treats you.
How does he greet others?
Do you see the fruit of the Spirit in him, (as he relates to the world, not just you)?
Does he having these qualities: Love, kindness, joy, peace, goodness, patience, self control, faith, hope.
Does he love the LORD, study his Bible, pray - apart from you?
How is his relationships with his parents and long term friends? How do they view him?
This is one reason why arranged marriages are successful, the kids don't decide, because romances can be deceiving, irrational, with emotions getting in the way if thinking clearly; so while the parents know their children and who would be a good match for them, they choose wisely.
I'M NOT SUGGESTING AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE, just making a point.
How do your parents really see Him and how does his parents see You? And close friends can offer valuable input as well.
I made a mistake and didn't listen to people around me, nor were my parents involved 3000 miles away so I went on feelings ... How wonderful she was in the beginning. There was also a gut feeling that I ignored, she drank and couldn't control it - it wasn't always, just whenever she drank ... this led to drugs down the road too. This was before I was a Christian, so I was lost anyways.
 
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PoppyB

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In today's society it's pretty unrealistic to expect both parties in a relationship to be virgins when they marry unless they have been Christians from before sexual awareness kicked in. Mostly people have had lives before Christ but that should be counted as forgiven and in the past.
 
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PoppyB

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Do you love him? Can you imagine life without him? Has he done anything else to make you not trust him? It sounds to me as if you are just trying to find an excuse to break up with this young man. But he has feelings too. Does he know you are discussing him like this with strangers. Because is he doesn't then you are breaking his trust on this very private matter. Hope you have been helped to come to a decision.
 
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98cwitr

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He lied to me and deceived me for over a year.

Not marriage material. You cannot have trust without honesty, and love abides in truth. Without truth (which sometimes can hurt others), then you can't have love. Without love, you wouldn't have a successful life with him. My advice is to move on and find someone who possesses the integrity of a honest man.
 
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Thanks for your response. How would you define someone reacting with integrity? What would that look like? thanks
Sincere and to the point, and doesnt look to somehow blame you in anyway. We all make mistakes so i dont know how anyone could say hes not marriage material. We as Christians make mistakes sometimes just like non believers but we are redeemed by Christ and if he has a good relationship with God he will grow and develop more awareness of his sins and wrongdoings

He might have felt alot of regret or guilt for quite some time holding his secret in. I think if he seemed relieved after he told you that would be a good thing, that would suggest he was sincere
 
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jannikitty

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Hello people. I need some Christian advice.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently told me that he had sex with his previous girlfriend once while they were dating. He and I are saving sex for marriage and we have talked about virginity and how far we have been gone physically with our other partners -and in all those conversations, he told me to had never had sex before. Then he finally admitted to me after almost a year and a half of being in a serious relationship with him that he is not a virgin. He lied to me and deceived me for over a year. I forgave him for lying to me of course. But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else. If you lie once, generally you will be okay with lying again. I have trusted him 100% but now I am feeling like I don't know what to think. People, please help me. Tell me what to do. Thoughts? Anything is helpful!
If he has not lied about anything else that you know of ask yourself "why" he lied to you. Maybe he thought that if he told the truth he might lose you since you have not had sex before marriage and want to wait. (which is good). So mainly your issue is one of trust. You are wise to consider whether this will be a pattern with him or simply a one time thing he did because he may have thought the truth could cause you to break the relationship. Best as you do forgive him it is good to continue to test the waters more before you do marry him. You are so right to be cautious. (not because he made a mistake and had sex before marriage but because he lied to you.) It is to his credit that he has admitted it to you. He could have continued to perpetuate the lie and he didn't. He has owned up and confessed. I surely see that as a good thing in your relationship..but still good to be praying about whether you want marriage or not. Of course, being married 56 years (he is now deceased) I found that sometimes husbands like many people will lie so to keep disagreeable information (like money problems, job problems, etc.) from you. And my husband did not have sex before we married. We were both virgins and we learned "how to" together. Prayers for you both this morning. Blessings.
 
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Ronald

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Awesome response. Love it. Thanks for your input! Yeah the biggest part for me is wondering if he lies frequently. It's nothing to do with the fact he had sex. It is about lying. How much more has he or will he lie to me? But yeah, you're right... we all have our sins. But because we are not married, if he does lie then I am not going to tolerate lying and our relationship may not work out. Thoughts?
I noticed an error in my last post, the part about an ARRANGED marriage. I meant to make a point, NOT TO SUGGEST ONE.
 
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Mountainmanbob

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Hello people. I need some Christian advice.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently told me that he had sex with his previous girlfriend once while they were dating. He and I are saving sex for marriage and we have talked about virginity and how far we have been gone physically with our other partners -and in all those conversations, he told me to had never had sex before. Then he finally admitted to me after almost a year and a half of being in a serious relationship with him that he is not a virgin. He lied to me and deceived me for over a year. I forgave him for lying to me of course. But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else. If you lie once, generally you will be okay with lying again. I have trusted him 100% but now I am feeling like I don't know what to think. People, please help me. Tell me what to do. Thoughts? Anything is helpful!

If you cannot forgive him best to move on.

If you think that in time you can forgive him, put him on a one year probation period and give it all much thought.

I got totally honest right before we got married while in Christian premarital counseling. Our marriage has been working fine for 13 years.

My issue was a (little different) but, still something that needed to be reckoned with.

M-Bob
 
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GirdYourLoins

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A strong relationship is not just about having a good relationship, more importantly its about how you get through the problems and hard times. This is just one thing to get through.
 
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salt-n-light

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Hello people. I need some Christian advice.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently told me that he had sex with his previous girlfriend once while they were dating. He and I are saving sex for marriage and we have talked about virginity and how far we have been gone physically with our other partners -and in all those conversations, he told me to had never had sex before. Then he finally admitted to me after almost a year and a half of being in a serious relationship with him that he is not a virgin. He lied to me and deceived me for over a year. I forgave him for lying to me of course. But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else. If you lie once, generally you will be okay with lying again. I have trusted him 100% but now I am feeling like I don't know what to think. People, please help me. Tell me what to do. Thoughts? Anything is helpful!

I get it, but it’s up to you.

Is this a lie worth breaking off the relationship? Did he know that that was a deal-breaker for you starting off the relationship? When it comes to relationship people have the freedom to leave or stay for whichever reason, but communication is key. If it truly bothers you, bring it up and makes plans to move forward. If you don’t plan to move forward and the distrust is that great, then let him know and leave.

Either way, it will take a toll if you don’t communicate, it’s an easy way to be resentful, and that spirit is not what is going to make a lasting relationship.

But I’m assuming since this whole time that he didn’t cheat nor pressured you to have sex that he respects God, you, and the relationship.Those are good attributes to have if you are looking towards marriage. Keep note of that.
 
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ArohaB

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Thank you for your helpful and wise response. I appreciate it!
Yeah, he definitely is ashamed of his actions and that is probably the main reason he kept it from me. He also was scared of losing me, perhaps thinking that his past would be a dealbreaker. He said he felt overly convicted and that's what led him to finally tell me. We did talk about why he didnt tell me etc. But now I'm stuck in a place where I almost don't wanna bring it up again because it was very painful for him to talk about and I told him that it is done and that I forgive him and that it's all good. It wouldnt the right place or time to ask basically "so what else are you lying to me about"? I don't know how to word that. Or perhaps I shouldnt ask and I should just see how it plays out. I have caught him in two very small lies besides this big one. What do you think?
Welcome to marriage/relationships... where it's important to have clear hearts towards each other, and to be willing to help each other get there. The next issue is your trust, which he now needs to work on rebuilding which is what you will work out together. It is your responsibility to forgive and it is his to make amends, and hearing you out and validating and understanding you are the right start. This can be applied to all sorts of situations that may arise in the course of your life together, and being willing to understand how we affect each other and want the best for each other make the relationship deep and rich.
 
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Dave-W

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. Nothing worse than two of you not knowing, and the guy not being as gentle as he should be considering that you will be a virgin on your wedding night.
Bad? Yes

Nothing worse? Hardly.

Try on this for size: "I love you but wish sex would just go away." At that point on your wedding night you find out your new spouse believes the very idea of sex is a horrendous sin you only have to do in order to become parents.
 
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Hello people. I need some Christian advice.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years recently told me that he had sex with his previous girlfriend once while they were dating. He and I are saving sex for marriage and we have talked about virginity and how far we have been gone physically with our other partners -and in all those conversations, he told me to had never had sex before. Then he finally admitted to me after almost a year and a half of being in a serious relationship with him that he is not a virgin. He lied to me and deceived me for over a year. I forgave him for lying to me of course. But since he told me about this, I have lost a little bit of trust for him because now I am wondering if he has lied to me about anything else. If you lie once, generally you will be okay with lying again. I have trusted him 100% but now I am feeling like I don't know what to think. People, please help me. Tell me what to do. Thoughts? Anything is helpful!

Happened to me long ago as well. That relationship didnt work out. Not that a liar is always a liar.. i mean think about it...have you EVER lied? We all have at one point or another.

But when its a lie like that, its difficult to trust 100%. Just be true to your feelings. DONT stay in that relationship because you (may) think youll never find someone better. If you dont trust him, you need to end it on good terms if possible.
 
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