Making Marriage Attractive Again?

Messerve said:

I've been single my whole life, though I have had transient crushes on various girls over the years (and vice versa). But nothing has come from any of it - no one made any moves, or the moves weren't recognized - mainly because I was just blind to it.

All my life I've struggled to desire a close relationship with a woman. Just when I think I might be interested in seeking that, I happen to be around a married couple who's yelling at each other or just saying hurtful things or there's just a lot of drama. I loathe that and would rather die than have to live with emotional ups and downs the rest of my life. My childhood was full of that between my grandparents and parents and my friends' parents... So much tension and yelling and hurtful words and I began to hate the very idea of marriage. Now if I just hear one harsh word between spouses, my heart sinks and I'm grateful to be single.

Nowadays, as I work in the secular world I'm surrounded by people my age who have also rejected marriage but have instead opted for "swinging" and sleeping around and even polygamy. They see marriage as a joke, and they treat sex like it's purely an animal instinct as normal as eating food.

So now in addition to hating the drama and hurt that comes with marriage and relationships, I also see it as something dirty and banal - just pheromones making people "love" each other for the sole purpose of having children and preserving the "species".

I know that's not how God sees it. But I'm struggling to see it any other way... Is love really just as vulgar as hormones? For what good reason should I give myself up to a life of hurt and drama?

Suggestions? How can marriage be redeemed as a worthy goal for me?

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If we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our hearts. If your heart's desire is to have a loving, supportive, Bible-believing, marriage partner, then as you concentrate on just loving the Lord and serving Him, then He will give you what you ask for. It takes faith and patience to wait for it, but it will happen.

Sometimes Christians are so desperate for a life partner and are suffering loneliness, that they rush into relationships with women and men who are not right for them. This is why many marriages are in conflict. But those who concentrate on serving the Lord and who are taken up with Him, when their life-partner comes across their path, they are taken by surprise because they didn't expect it to happen, and the partner may be quite different to what they expect, but when they get married they discover that they are totally right for each other.

Doesnt mean if you get married you will go through the same things.

You may very well be blessed with a truly wonderful marriage. Full of love and respect with God in your hearts and lives.

You could spend the rest of your life wondering what marriage was like to only find out it was then too late!

God will guide you if you ask.

God bless you

Messerve said:

Are you sure though? Doesn't every married couple have times when the yell at each other?

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Of course. True love of God and of each other finds a true path through stormy waters.

Messerve said:

That's true...

But therein lies the difficulty of marriage within God's guidelines - namely the dilemma I'd find myself in if I got married and it turns out that my marriage is as hurtful and turbulent as I feared. Divorce isn't an option on the mere grounds of incompatible personalities. So then what? A life of misery? Even if we both love God, that doesn't mean we'd like living together our whole lives necessarily.

What exactly happens when you find a path through the storm? Does it make the storm worth it? What could be worth that?

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You wont know unless you fall in love and get married! Let God's will be done i say.

Messerve said:

I've been single my whole life, though I have had transient crushes on various girls over the years (and vice versa). But nothing has come from any of it - no one made any moves, or the moves weren't recognized - mainly because I was just blind to it.

All my life I've struggled to desire a close relationship with a woman. Just when I think I might be interested in seeking that, I happen to be around a married couple who's yelling at each other or just saying hurtful things or there's just a lot of drama. I loathe that and would rather die than have to live with emotional ups and downs the rest of my life. My childhood was full of that between my grandparents and parents and my friends' parents... So much tension and yelling and hurtful words and I began to hate the very idea of marriage. Now if I just hear one harsh word between spouses, my heart sinks and I'm grateful to be single.

Nowadays, as I work in the secular world I'm surrounded by people my age who have also rejected marriage but have instead opted for "swinging" and sleeping around and even polygamy. They see marriage as a joke, and they treat sex like it's purely an animal instinct as normal as eating food.

So now in addition to hating the drama and hurt that comes with marriage and relationships, I also see it as something dirty and banal - just pheromones making people "love" each other for the sole purpose of having children and preserving the "species".

I know that's not how God sees it. But I'm struggling to see it any other way... Is love really just as vulgar as hormones? For what good reason should I give myself up to a life of hurt and drama?

Suggestions? How can marriage be redeemed as a worthy goal for me?

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A marriage built in Christ: love, understanding, trust, support, encouragement, self-control, gentleness, communication and much more. It is a sanctuary from the world. Takes time to cultivate.

Be a representative of what love looks like. Fear is what holds people back.

Messerve said:

Doesn't every married couple have times when the yell at each other?

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My marriage doesn't. Ever.

My husband and I are BFFs, as if we are one soul wearing two bodies. The joy and fulfillment we experience really is only a short distance from what I'd imagine heaven to be.

Here is the essential building block of my marriage:
The Giver & Taker (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)
The Policy of Joint Agreement (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)

Once you mutually realize that YOU are responsible for whether the other person is in love with you, and your own behaviors control your own happiness (i.e. a happy marriage with a spouse who loves you, or a miserable one with a spouse who doesn't), then the sky is the limit.

We've been married for almost 5 years and are still as glowingly in love as the day we first met, when we fell for each other, unreservedly, head over heels, and have never looked back.

There are guidelines you can follow to enjoy this type of a marriage:
The Policy of Undivided Attention (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts (Marriage Builders®,...

We follow these guidelines very carefully and they are part of the ah!mazing foundation to our blissful marriage.

Any marriage can do the same!!

Messerve said:

That's true...

But therein lies the difficulty of marriage within God's guidelines - namely the dilemma I'd find myself in if I got married and it turns out that my marriage is as hurtful and turbulent as I feared. Divorce isn't an option on the mere grounds of incompatible personalities. So then what? A life of misery? Even if we both love God, that doesn't mean we'd like living together our whole lives necessarily.

What exactly happens when you find a path through the storm? Does it make the storm worth it? What could be worth that?

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Well, marriage can definitely be tough. But not every Christian is called to marriage, either. Some are called to singleness, and that's ok, too.

It sounds like you've grown up with a lot of bad examples of what love is, OP. While it is easier to read about than to take on in your own life, if you learn and practice true love towards those around you, you will learn to recognize it when it is offered to you in kind. Then if it is God's will, things will happen.

From the first epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians, we learn it in these words:

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Messerve said:

Well, that addresses the conflict side of it perhaps... Though people change over time and a couple that gets along may suddenly start having issues later.

Lately the second issue has been my bigger problem - seeing a romantic relationship as nothing more than hormones going wild...

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The thing about the grace of God is that He can at any time step in and divide the past from the future, and give people a clean slate and a whole new start. This means that a marriage that might start to have conflicts after the honeymoon (which often happens when the disenchantment stage occurs which happens in any marriage however good it is), when the couple come to God's throne of grace, the past issues and conflicts are wiped out and the Scripture: "Forgetting those things that are behind" becomes a command of the Lord and the couple embarks on a whole new future. It is like "bebooting" the computer when things go wrong with it.

By the way, I looked in the mirror this morning, and I realise that I ain't no oil painting!!!

Not everyone should be married. If you have no desire for it and think it's not worth your while; then you shouldn't pursue it unless God changes your mind or you really desire to enter into marriage with a specific someone. You shouldn't have to force yourself into marriage; being single is okay in such a situation.

Before getting to marriage, which is optional, it's essential to back up a bit to what is not optional.

Every Christian is to have this kind of humility and love for his brothers and sisters. It manifests itself in many ways - when believers apologize to one another and forgive each other, when someone at church has a need that you can easily fill, when a crying baby is seen to, when a wife submits to her husband, and when a husband lays down his life for his wife.

See what happened there? It all has the same root. Develop that. This is what makes marriage a holy and sanctifying force - it puts a man and a woman both in stressful circumstances, where they need to do this for each other in order for the relationship to survive and thrive. It is merely a way to accomplish this sanctification.

Now, this isn't to say that spouses who are in physical danger need to remain in physical danger. Matthew 24:15-16 and and John 10:39 and Acts 8:1 show provisions for escaping danger.

Messerve said:

I've been single my whole life, though I have had transient crushes on various girls over the years (and vice versa). But nothing has come from any of it - no one made any moves, or the moves weren't recognized - mainly because I was just blind to it.

All my life I've struggled to desire a close relationship with a woman. Just when I think I might be interested in seeking that, I happen to be around a married couple who's yelling at each other or just saying hurtful things or there's just a lot of drama. I loathe that and would rather die than have to live with emotional ups and downs the rest of my life. My childhood was full of that between my grandparents and parents and my friends' parents... So much tension and yelling and hurtful words and I began to hate the very idea of marriage. Now if I just hear one harsh word between spouses, my heart sinks and I'm grateful to be single.

Nowadays, as I work in the secular world I'm surrounded by people my age who have also rejected marriage but have instead opted for "swinging" and sleeping around and even polygamy. They see marriage as a joke, and they treat sex like it's purely an animal instinct as normal as eating food.

So now in addition to hating the drama and hurt that comes with marriage and relationships, I also see it as something dirty and banal - just pheromones making people "love" each other for the sole purpose of having children and preserving the "species".

I know that's not how God sees it. But I'm struggling to see it any other way... Is love really just as vulgar as hormones? For what good reason should I give myself up to a life of hurt and drama?

Suggestions? How can marriage be redeemed as a worthy goal for me?

Click to expand...

First, nobody is perfect and in any relationship, whether married or dating, there will be ups and downs. The difference between marriage and other relationships is commitment and the blessing of God. I am sorry that you experienced bad examples of marriage. Unfortunately, these examples are becoming more common. But do not be mistaken. Marriage isn't the problem. Rather, it is the rejection of the values and principles of a biblical marriage grounded in God's word. Marriage is a beautiful thing created by God so that we may be able to understand His relationship with the Church. I wouldn't give up on marriage, and as a Christian, premarital "hook ups" are not an option that God would be please with. The best advice I have for you is to:
1. Read and study what God's word has to say about marriage so you can discern strong biblical marriages from the fragile secular ones.
2. Talk to Christian couples who have been together for a while. Ask them how their marriage has been a success and how they were able to get through the tough times.
3. Stop associating yourself with people who are involved in "swinging" and "polygamy". To be frank, they are corrupting your mind and trying to pull you down with them.

"What good reason should I give myself up to a life of hurt and drama?" None. Nobody is asking you to do such a thing. But marriage is not that at all. I almost guarantee you that you will experience more "hurt and drama" by living a promiscuous life of sin, debauchery, and sexual immorality. Not to mention that you may wind up getting a woman pregnant or contracting an STD. That doesn't sound free of "hurt and drama".

Messerve said:

I've been single my whole life, though I have had transient crushes on various girls over the years (and vice versa). But nothing has come from any of it - no one made any moves, or the moves weren't recognized - mainly because I was just blind to it.

All my life I've struggled to desire a close relationship with a woman. Just when I think I might be interested in seeking that, I happen to be around a married couple who's yelling at each other or just saying hurtful things or there's just a lot of drama. I loathe that and would rather die than have to live with emotional ups and downs the rest of my life. My childhood was full of that between my grandparents and parents and my friends' parents... So much tension and yelling and hurtful words and I began to hate the very idea of marriage. Now if I just hear one harsh word between spouses, my heart sinks and I'm grateful to be single.

Nowadays, as I work in the secular world I'm surrounded by people my age who have also rejected marriage but have instead opted for "swinging" and sleeping around and even polygamy. They see marriage as a joke, and they treat sex like it's purely an animal instinct as normal as eating food.

So now in addition to hating the drama and hurt that comes with marriage and relationships, I also see it as something dirty and banal - just pheromones making people "love" each other for the sole purpose of having children and preserving the "species".

I know that's not how God sees it. But I'm struggling to see it any other way... Is love really just as vulgar as hormones? For what good reason should I give myself up to a life of hurt and drama?

Suggestions? How can marriage be redeemed as a worthy goal for me?

Click to expand...

I believe that everybody is called to some kind of vocation: married, religious or ordained life. Very bluntly, some people are called to marriage. But some people aren't.

Those who are called to marriage can do no other. When my wife and I went through marriage prep in the Catholic Church, the priest asked rhetorically of the group if any of us could envision life without the person we've chosen to marry. His point is that if not marrying that person seems like a viable option, it's a good sign that perhaps you shouldn't marry that person.

Some are called to ordained or religious life. Those vocations are just as valid.

My point is that forcing yourself into a box is not the answer. If you haven't done so already, pray and ask for God's guidance. Does He want you to get married? Does He perhaps want you to stay single and celibate so that you can more closely follow Him and do His work? Only He and you can find the answers.

I warn you, your seeming distaste for marriage could be circumstantial. It doesn't sound like you've had very many positive examples in your life, as is typical of our generation. But don't let the past sway your decision or your discernment.

It's completely valid to believe that you're not called to marriage. The biggest lie foisted upon people is this notion of "There's somebody out there for everyone". That's not necessarily true and that's not a bad thing. Whatever your vocation is, God will guide you and direct you in calling.

Good luck!

It appears you are trying to justify living in sin rather than marrying because you think it will be miserable. Christ is married to his bride the church. Is He miserable? No. His joy overflows in His Body due to His Presence. Wake up & trust the Lord to bring the right person.

The best book I found on marriage is: 'The Mystery of Marriage: Meditations on the Miracle' by Mike Mason. He explores the mystial & holy nature of marriage with a depth that will forever alter how a couple relates to each other & to God.

It stands out from how-to manuals, as a refreshing how-come book, a brilliant celebration of the God-ordained union between husband & wife. You might get a copy & let it minister to your soul.

Elizabeth Elliott, the wife of martyred Christian, Jim Elliott by the native Indians in Equador. He & other missionaries, when killed, were written about in newspapers all over the world. She stayed in that village with another wife, whose husband was also killed & led many of them to Christ. She has married twice again & four years later he died of cancer. She finally married a third time after being set to stay single. Here is her and Lar's story that might be an encouragement to you.

Lars and Elisabeth's Love Story

I say this all too often on here and other places. Kids growing up watching fairy tales where two people fall in love and it's happily ever after. But real life isn't like that.

Marriages will have problems. Some more, some less. The very basic things you will disagree on at times. Things you may have never even pictured yourself thinking of before. Like my wife and her picking her "itchy nose". She doesn't wash her hands after and it drives me up a wall. Just like she hates when I am picky about where to eat when we go out.

Now this doesn't mean marriage is some terrible thing that you should avoid. Its pros outweigh it cones. The naggy moments come and go, but you will always focus on the good things. The deep love for example.

I honestly think marriages don't work well anymore because of todays world. People think they can take on adulthood at 18. Driving, renting, bills, kids...etc. They rush into relationships and then right into marriage. Then it falls apart because neither was really ready.

The brain is shown not to mature until 25. Sometimes later for men. Obviously its not saying we humans are stupid until 25. However we still have a brain that tends to think of the rewards of "here and now" instead of thinking it through first. Hence we rush into love. Also because of this brain issue, we tend to change constantly with what we like, who we are...etc. When your 18 you like certain things, you want to do and be certain things. But at 19 all that changes. And again at 20 and so on.

I am VERY glad I didn't meet my wife until I was just past 30. Looking back I was not even close to ready in my 20s. She probably would have left me or vica versa.

It's also good that you hate the "casual sex" people. Because if people start having sex outside of marriage, then they go into the marriage not having the bonding desire/feelings they normally would if they had waited for sex.

Lastly I'll say don't overly limit who you may want to be with. Give God control over that. You may be surprised with who He puts in your path. Also try as hard as you can to ignore the "first love" stages. Love can blind you to red flags that someone is not a good match. I think its probably the biggest reason people also don't work out. Red flags are so often ignored because they are just blinded by love.

NothingIsImpossible said:

Red flags are so often ignored because they are just blinded by love.

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I have a different take in this... to me the above quote is a contradiction in its self.

God's love does not blind. Right there we have a problem - the common definition of love in our world is emotional passion or Eros. You wont find one mention of Eros in the Greek NT.

My wife and I were led to each-other, and our relationship started with commitment before God. Marriages should be held together by His love not our passions. 34 years and 5 children later we have a solid blessed marriage foundation. In our case God did it this way because we sought commitment in relationships and never found it. It has to be said that what the world says is love is not His love. Emotion is not the right foundation for marriage. His love for each-other should be first and all else should follow. The world has portrayed Romance as the key ingredient, and pushed it to the max. It is not surprising that so many marriages fail.

You may think we are weird, but the Kingdom of God needs strong marriages. The emotional counterfeit is being pushed to the max in the media. Don't get me wrong - we are not prudes - but His love underpins our emotional attachment not the reverse.