The "Gift" of Singleness.

aspie3000 said:

I have a question about the gift on singleness. If someone with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength loathes the very idea of being without a spouse from the blackest and most heartfelt depths of their soul, will God force them to be single their entire life? Will God give that person the gift of singleness though they hate it with a venomous hatred that cannot be put into words that would do it justice in the English language? Would God force this upon someone even though it would mean psychologically torturing them and will leave them with bitterness and rage toward God that will cause them to be unable to follow him in any functional effective manner? Would God do this even though it would severely damage the relationship between him and this person and possibly damn him in the end?

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A person is no more damned in the end than he was already damned in the beginning.

God is precisely and thoroughly just.

This life is not about what a person wants, nor primarily for that person's sake, but is about what God is doing for his own sake. If God drags me through the worst things imaginable, destroying me in the process, he is to be praised. He is accomplishing what he set out to do from the beginning. He made me for this, and for the results, and I am thankful that I get to watch.

This life isn't about this life.

I've always taken the gift of singleness to mean one can bear with it and not be distraught over any unfulfilled passion they might feel. That's what Paul implies when he suggests if you cannot control yourself you should marry.

That being said God apparently does allow many whom are single, but are not gifted with the ability to resist temptation, remain single and alone. I would think the majority of single people go through this sort of challenge, especially if they are Christian and have trouble socializing.

I can only look at it as a consequence of the fallen world we live in and not God deliberately choosing us to live out such lives. We could perhaps blame God but we have recognize that the problem ultimately lies with us, in whatever capacity that involves.

For me it's my inability to connect with people and is that God's fault? I don't think so, though to have a miracle happen in my life would not be unwelcome. God has not promised us a life free of consequences from the actions of others and ourselves. It's tempting to look at your life and what your missing while also avoiding what it is you do have that others lack and would want above anything, whatever that might be.

God does allow us to suffer, but I can't blame God alone for that as if he were in control of the sinful actions that lead to the outcome.

Absolutely not. If God is in control of all things, as He is, then who do you think is in control of your desires? If it is a desire of yours to find a spouse, God will eventually provide a way to that person.

His word also promises that if we “delight ourselves in Him, He will give us the desires of our heart.” (Psalm 37:4), tells us to “ask, seek and knock” (Matthew 7:7-12) and to “pray without ceasing.” 1 Thess. 5:16-18.

All of these things are part of God’s will for us. So, be patient, pray fervently and wait for God’s perfect timing. Don’t give up.

aspie3000 said:

I have a question about the gift on singleness. If someone with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength loathes the very idea of being without a spouse from the blackest and most heartfelt depths of their soul, will God force them to be single their entire life? Will God give that person the gift of singleness though they hate it with a venomous hatred that cannot be put into words that would do it justice in the English language? Would God force this upon someone even though it would mean psychologically torturing them and will leave them with bitterness and rage toward God that will cause them to be unable to follow him in any functional effective manner? Would God do this even though it would severely damage the relationship between him and this person and possibly damn him in the end?

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God made it fairly clear in Genesis: He said that it was not good for man to be alone, so He made a help suitable to him, so Adam had a wife, Eve. I believe that this is God's normal will for any man or woman - to be in a marriage partnership.

We see the problems with enforced celibacy in churches that require their clergy to be unmarried. Did you know the Vatican has more prostitutes in it than the red light districts of Amsterdam, Berlin, and Bankok put together? That it is rife with homosexuality? Why is that so? When Martin Luther visited Rome to find an example of better quality spirituality, he saw all the prostitutes serving the desires of the priests there and was deeply disillusioned. And in recent years, the scandal of the sexual abuse of young boys has been exposed.

So, this is a clear indication that it is not God's will for Christians to be unmarried. Paul chose singleness because of his calling and ministry, but he never made it into a Christian doctrine of singleness being the will of God for the normal believer.

Oscarr said:

God made it fairly clear in Genesis: He said that it was not good for man to be alone, so He made a help suitable to him, so Adam had a wife, Eve. I believe that this is God's normal will for any man or woman - to be in a marriage partnership.

We see the problems with enforced celibacy in churches that require their clergy to be unmarried. Did you know the Vatican has more prostitutes in it than the red light districts of Amsterdam, Berlin, and Bankok put together? That it is rife with homosexuality? Why is that so? When Martin Luther visited Rome to find an example of better quality spirituality, he saw all the prostitutes serving the desires of the priests there and was deeply disillusioned. And in recent years, the scandal of the sexual abuse of young boys has been exposed.

So, this is a clear indication that it is not God's will for Christians to be unmarried. Paul chose singleness because of his calling and ministry, but he never made it into a Christian doctrine of singleness being the will of God for the normal believer.

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But... if Paul chose singleness (did he say that?) then it obviously wasn't sinful in God's eyes. He was fine with being single and said he would recommend it to others, too. To imply it's only for abnormal Christians (as opposed to "normal", whatever that really is...) is kind of unfair I think. Everyone is single at some point in their lives whether before marriage or after a spouse's death or divorce or a long separation. Everyone needs God's grace for singleness.

I have often heard married Christians refer to single Christians as "kind of strange" or "eccentric". Sure, those types are out there, but I sometimes I wonder if they've simply reached the point of being comfortable in their own skin rather than trying to conform to a certain Christian-cultural standard?

I've also heard preachers on the radio saying singles are essentially sinning because they aren't being fruitful and multiplying as God told Adam and Eve to do... I think that's very incomplete hermeneutics.

I agree enforced celibacy is a bad idea... But I don't think you can take the situation of the Vatican and conclude that celibacy is never God's will for some people.

aspie3000 said:

I have a question about the gift on singleness. If someone with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength loathes the very idea of being without a spouse from the blackest and most heartfelt depths of their soul, will God force them to be single their entire life? Will God give that person the gift of singleness though they hate it with a venomous hatred that cannot be put into words that would do it justice in the English language? Would God force this upon someone even though it would mean psychologically torturing them and will leave them with bitterness and rage toward God that will cause them to be unable to follow him in any functional effective manner? Would God do this even though it would severely damage the relationship between him and this person and possibly damn him in the end?

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"The Gift of Singleness", if it is really a gift, is essentially when a person doesn't have a desire to be married or in a relationship. If you strongly desire to not be single and you can never find the right person, you do not have the "Gift of Singleness". Rather, you just have not found the person God has planned for you. Perhaps that person is out there, but God wants you to do some things first.

(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ) said:

"The Gift of Singleness", if it is really a gift, is essentially when a person doesn't have a desire to be married or in a relationship. If you strongly desire to not be single and you can never find the right person, you do not have the "Gift of Singleness". Rather, you just have not found the person God has planned for you. Perhaps that person is out there, but God wants you to do some things first.

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I agree completely. Perhaps you and your future spouse are still growing into the people God wants you to be at which point He'll bring you together to make the couple He wants you to be.

You in the general sense, that is. Not referring to YOU you.

Messerve said:

But... if Paul chose singleness (did he say that?) then it obviously wasn't sinful in God's eyes. He was fine with being single and said he would recommend it to others, too. To imply it's only for abnormal Christians (as opposed to "normal", whatever that really is...) is kind of unfair I think. Everyone is single at some point in their lives whether before marriage or after a spouse's death or divorce or a long separation. Everyone needs God's grace for singleness.

I have often heard married Christians refer to single Christians as "kind of strange" or "eccentric". Sure, those types are out there, but I sometimes I wonder if they've simply reached the point of being comfortable in their own skin rather than trying to conform to a certain Christian-cultural standard?

I've also heard preachers on the radio saying singles are essentially sinning because they aren't being fruitful and multiplying as God told Adam and Eve to do... I think that's very incomplete hermeneutics.

I agree enforced celibacy is a bad idea... But I don't think you can take the situation of the Vatican and conclude that celibacy is never God's will for some people.

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I never said that chosen singleness is sinful. But, I say quite definitely that forced singleness is, by the person who is forcing it, or taking the Lord's name in vain by teaching it in His name.

Celibacy for Catholic priests is forced on them by the church. Priests who decide to marry have their holy orders cancelled by the church and are excommunicated. There are a lot of voices in the church that are questioning celibacy for priests, especially in the light of the serious problems that are emerging among celibate priests who are being exposed as fornicators, homosexuals, and abusers of young boys.

Messerve said:

I agree completely. Perhaps you and your future spouse are still growing into the people God wants you to be at which point He'll bring you together to make the couple He wants you to be.

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Exactly. God may be saying "I have the perfect person for you but you and that person are not ready for each other yet."

aspie3000 said:

I have a question about the gift on singleness. If someone with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength loathes the very idea of being without a spouse from the blackest and most heartfelt depths of their soul, will God force them to be single their entire life? Will God give that person the gift of singleness though they hate it with a venomous hatred that cannot be put into words that would do it justice in the English language? Would God force this upon someone even though it would mean psychologically torturing them and will leave them with bitterness and rage toward God that will cause them to be unable to follow him in any functional effective manner? Would God do this even though it would severely damage the relationship between him and this person and possibly damn him in the end?

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The language you are using, sounds like bitterness and hate. A person that has bitterness and hate in their soul, will be single because they have bitterness and hate in their soul... not because of anything G-d did.

I don't even see 'the gift on singleness' in the Bible. Paul didn't have a wife, as best we know. But it doesn't indicate that he was out looking for a wife, and was rejected every single time, until he died.

Instead it doesn't appear that he was even looking for a wife. He was just preaching, and teaching, and writing the Bible.

So my basic view is, if you want to be married, then you don't have "the gift of singleness" or whatever.

Take me for example. I've never wanted to be married. Never really wanted a girl friend. Thus, I've never had a girlfriend, and never been married. 41 Years old, never been on a date, and don't care.

Now I don't consider this a 'gift'. I'm not sure how that would ever be considered a gift. It just is, what it is.

That said, I think the problem with singleness, is more of our screwed up culture, than G-d 'forcing a gift' on people.

If you look at the numbers....





From the 1990s, to today, the number of never married people across American culture, has dramatically increased.

This isn't G-d's fault. G-d has not dramatically increased the 'gift of singleness' in the world.

This is a screwed up culture of self-centered narcissistic people, that can't handle being married, and would rather stay single, than risk getting with someone and finding out they are not perfect.

Now if some individual wants to be married, and is not... first bit advice, don't blame G-d. The problem is in the mirror. We live in one of the most lonely cultures in all human history. If a person can't find someone, it's because they simply are not putting in the effort.... or they are filled with so much bitterness and hate, that no one wants them. Ditch the bitterness and hate, and start going out there and looking.

The second biggest problem I see, is that people are not 'out there'. You have to be out there. Sitting at home playing computer games, and watching movies, is not just a complete waste of time... it also makes impossible for you to find someone, or be found by someone. Stop being a lazy butt, and get out there and do something. I don't even care what you do.

Join group. Join a club. Join something. Join the softball team. Join the volleyball team. Join a charity, or a ministry. Help out at the homeless shelter. DO SOMETHING.

You will never find someone, sitting at home, complaining about being single. I had a friend years ago, who was lonely and single, and miserable. Finally this girl said to herself that she wasn't going to be lonely and sad anymore. So she got off her butt, and joined a horseback riding group, because she liked horseback riding. Fast forward 6 months, a guy joins the group, they hit it off, 2 years later, they are married.

She ended up being found, because she was no longer sad, and joined a group.

So that's my advice.

Dump the bitterness and hatred, that will drive any potential mate away.
Get out of the house, and DO SOMETHING. You can't be found, sitting alone at home, watching anime or whatever.

Hope that helps anyone.

aspie3000 said:

I have a question about the gift on singleness. If someone with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength loathes the very idea of being without a spouse from the blackest and most heartfelt depths of their soul, will God force them to be single their entire life? Will God give that person the gift of singleness though they hate it with a venomous hatred that cannot be put into words that would do it justice in the English language? Would God force this upon someone even though it would mean psychologically torturing them and will leave them with bitterness and rage toward God that will cause them to be unable to follow him in any functional effective manner? Would God do this even though it would severely damage the relationship between him and this person and possibly damn him in the end?

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If somebody has that level of revulsion to the imagined inconvenience of remaining single, I question if he or she has the grace and flexibility that is needed to be a decent spouse at all.

aspie3000 said:

I just wish for you and everyone to know that I have not been told by God that this is my fate. I very much fear it though. I am always afraid that God is going to screw me over. The last time this happened God said that he gave me this desire for marriage but that Satan uses this desire to attack me. I know I should submit to anything God has planned and probably take what was said as a promise but I am frightened and the doubts torment me until I do something sinful and stupid and I cannot connect with God because of my fear. I should know better but the doubts nag me horribly. The other day I was connected with and on very good terms with God putting him first but then something happened and the fear came back and now I'm in a bad place. I don't know how to deal with this; I want to not worry about this, trust his promise and follow him first as I was doing but now I have resentment again.

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I once felt similarly.

Those doubts and those fears are not from God. They are from yourself. The more you entertain them, the more you give the devil a foothold. He is your real enemy.

God on the other hand, sent his Son to suffer and redeem you. And his throne is unshakable. It is best to be on the side of his favor. What's more, if you are a Christian, you committed to follow and obey him, and are honor-bound to do so. So whatever he has you do, there is honor in obeying it, even if this world does not recognize it. If you choose otherwise, remember Jonah - do you really think he will bless that choice? I'd rather remain single with God's blessing than marry against his will and set myself up for his chastening.

Either being single or married can be for a season.

I was single until I was 29 years old and then became a widow at 46. We had one child (who has autism and epilepsy) and a lot of marital problems! We were physically separated for 6 years, because of husband's affairs before he committed suicide because his 2nd girlfriend broke up with him.

Now that's not a married life I'd wish on anyone!

Still though, my greatest earthy blessing (my son) came out of that relationship; but certainly none of this was easy on the kid either.

I'm quite content at this point to be single. Will I change my mind at some point in the future? I don't know. Any potential husband would have to be secure enough in himself to handle living with a wife and her developmentally disabled adult son. At this point today, I probably wouldn't even consider getting married again unless my son died; but that's a whole other set of life challenges.

aspie3000 said:

I have a question about the gift on singleness. If someone with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength loathes the very idea of being without a spouse from the blackest and most heartfelt depths of their soul, will God force them to be single their entire life? Will God give that person the gift of singleness though they hate it with a venomous hatred that cannot be put into words that would do it justice in the English language? Would God force this upon someone even though it would mean psychologically torturing them and will leave them with bitterness and rage toward God that will cause them to be unable to follow him in any functional effective manner? Would God do this even though it would severely damage the relationship between him and this person and possibly damn him in the end?

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It is written, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” (Jas. 1:17).

I would presume that from what you have stated that singleness has been a hindrance and an obstacle in your relationship with God instead of an asset. God gives us the gifts and talents that will make us to be an asset to His Kingdom but He never imposes on us anything that would make us a liability. Any such suggestion is a lie from Satan.

If singleness has been breeding in you psychological instability, then clearly you do not have the gift of singleness because if you did, you would be at peace within your current circumstances, but clearly, according to what you have said, this is not the case. For you, singleness has given life to problems that requires a real solution and the solution is to eliminate the root of the psychological instability that you are facing; singleness being the root. Once the root cause is addressed, the symptoms coming therefrom will go away.

My heart breaks for you and my prayers go out to you for I was once where you seem to be now and have experienced the agonizing pain from singleness that, for me, struck deeper than a burn. Does it feel that way for you?

I am sure that you know very well that no magic psychiatric pill will end the agonizing torture for which singleness has been a vessel. The only cure for this sort of ailment is marriage. I pray that God in His grace and mercy will send you a wife whom you can love and cherish and who like wise will love and cherish you for who you are and who will serve as an asset in your walk with the Lord and not a hindrance. Furthermore, I pray that she will be someone of understanding and compassion and who might even identify with and relate to what you are going through.

May God deliver you quickly so that you may be the best that you can be for Him.

aspie3000 said:

I have a question about the gift on singleness. If someone with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength`` from the blackest and most heartfelt depths of their soul, will God force them to be single their entire life? Will God give that person the gift of singleness though they hate it with a venomous hatred that cannot be put into words that would do it justice in the English language? Would God force this upon someone even though it would mean psychologically torturing them and will leave them with bitterness and rage toward God that will cause them to be unable to follow him in any functional effective manner? Would God do this even though it would severely damage the relationship between him and this person and possibly damn him in the end?

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if your motivation to not have a spouse is from a place of hate then this is coming from the wrong place and Christ will probably challenge you on this as you continue to hate it. Jesus calls us to deny our self to follow him not to make special exceptions. So all those things you refuse to do now turn are a hindrance, but not necessarily the act, but the refusal to surrender and regardless what Christ's call is upon you, he undoubtedly is calling you to surrender even the things you hate or refuse to do. So instead of saying you hate marriage with all your "heart, soul, mind, and strength" surrender that hate to Christ and redirect that "heart, soul, mind, and strength" toward him.... then let the chips fall where they may.

Andrew77 said:

The language you are using, sounds like bitterness and hate. A person that has bitterness and hate in their soul, will be single because they have bitterness and hate in their soul... not because of anything G-d did.

I don't even see 'the gift on singleness' in the Bible. Paul didn't have a wife, as best we know. But it doesn't indicate that he was out looking for a wife, and was rejected every single time, until he died.

Instead it doesn't appear that he was even looking for a wife. He was just preaching, and teaching, and writing the Bible.

So my basic view is, if you want to be married, then you don't have "the gift of singleness" or whatever.

Take me for example. I've never wanted to be married. Never really wanted a girl friend. Thus, I've never had a girlfriend, and never been married. 41 Years old, never been on a date, and don't care.

Now I don't consider this a 'gift'. I'm not sure how that would ever be considered a gift. It just is, what it is.

That said, I think the problem with singleness, is more of our screwed up culture, than G-d 'forcing a gift' on people.

If you look at the numbers....

View attachment 258237

View attachment 258239

From the 1990s, to today, the number of never married people across American culture, has dramatically increased.

This isn't G-d's fault. G-d has not dramatically increased the 'gift of singleness' in the world.

This is a screwed up culture of self-centered narcissistic people, that can't handle being married, and would rather stay single, than risk getting with someone and finding out they are not perfect.

Now if some individual wants to be married, and is not... first bit advice, don't blame G-d. The problem is in the mirror. We live in one of the most lonely cultures in all human history. If a person can't find someone, it's because they simply are not putting in the effort.... or they are filled with so much bitterness and hate, that no one wants them. Ditch the bitterness and hate, and start going out there and looking.

The second biggest problem I see, is that people are not 'out there'. You have to be out there. Sitting at home playing computer games, and watching movies, is not just a complete waste of time... it also makes impossible for you to find someone, or be found by someone. Stop being a lazy butt, and get out there and do something. I don't even care what you do.

Join group. Join a club. Join something. Join the softball team. Join the volleyball team. Join a charity, or a ministry. Help out at the homeless shelter. DO SOMETHING.

You will never find someone, sitting at home, complaining about being single. I had a friend years ago, who was lonely and single, and miserable. Finally this girl said to herself that she wasn't going to be lonely and sad anymore. So she got off her butt, and joined a horseback riding group, because she liked horseback riding. Fast forward 6 months, a guy joins the group, they hit it off, 2 years later, they are married.

She ended up being found, because she was no longer sad, and joined a group.

So that's my advice.

Dump the bitterness and hatred, that will drive any potential mate away.
Get out of the house, and DO SOMETHING. You can't be found, sitting alone at home, watching anime or whatever.

Hope that helps anyone.

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I, uh, found my girlfriend sitting at home alone on my computer. We met through a dating app and it's the best relationship either one of us has ever had. We go out and do things now, but we found each other online.

In general your advice is good though!

nanookadenord said:

I, uh, found my girlfriend sitting at home alone on my computer. We met through a dating app and it's the best relationship either one of us has ever had. We go out and do things now, but we found each other online.

In general your advice is good though!

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Ok yeah, a dating app. To me, doing a dating app is in a way... putting yourself out there so that you can find, or be found.

I still see few real marriages coming from those, but they do happen. A girlfriend to me is nothing. It's a girl that is a friend. I have dozens of girl friends. Not one is romantic.

Regardless, it's likely my 'old man' mentality showing through, but I have a hard time seeing online people as being real friends.

Neither of us knows for certain, who they are talking to. I could be a 14-year-old girl, and you could be a 70-year-old child molester that got paroled. On the screen.... text is text.

And pictures can easily be faked, especially with facebook, you can just surf around and find some picture of who you want to pretend to be, change your name to Tina, and fool anyone.

And yes I am speaking from experience.

So... yeah... not so much into meeting people online. At least if you meet someone face to face, you can verify who some of who they are.

Andrew77 said:

Ok yeah, a dating app. To me, doing a dating app is in a way... putting yourself out there so that you can find, or be found.

I still see few real marriages coming from those, but they do happen. A girlfriend to me is nothing. It's a girl that is a friend. I have dozens of girl friends. Not one is romantic.

Regardless, it's likely my 'old man' mentality showing through, but I have a hard time seeing online people as being real friends.

Neither of us knows for certain, who they are talking to. I could be a 14-year-old girl, and you could be a 70-year-old child molester that got paroled. On the screen.... text is text.

And pictures can easily be faked, especially with facebook, you can just surf around and find some picture of who you want to pretend to be, change your name to Tina, and fool anyone.

And yes I am speaking from experience.

So... yeah... not so much into meeting people online. At least if you meet someone face to face, you can verify who some of who they are.

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If I remember correctly, I am older than you are. So, I'm not sure I would call it a "old man" mentality. You are correct that you don't know who you are speaking to on the other side of the screen, but I had gone on a few dates with woman who I had met online. I also talked on the phone with a few of them before agreeing to meet with them. This way I can hear their voice and know it matches with the age for the most part.

It took me a few dates with various women to find out what it was I was looking for. So dating is a process. A process to figure out what you want in a woman. My last two serious relationships (one being a marriage) were what I thought I wanted and it didn't work out. I know what it is that I want now and I have that in my girlfriend.