Peculiar situation

Gnarwhal

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So I've been single for five years now, with the exception of a brief LDR a couple years ago. I don't really count that though since we actually spent very little time together and live 400 miles apart.

I recently met a girl who ticks just about all of the boxes on the proverbial list I had for myself, if I were ever to remarry. Our beliefs and values line up exactly, she's kind of old fashioned and traditional like me, we're both introverted so we understand each other's needs in that regard.

Theoretically I should be pretty stoked because this chick is supposed to be the kind of girl I'd want to marry and start a family with. And yet, I feel completely ambivalent. I don't feel an urgency to spend time with her like I have women I dated in the past and I'm not sure I'm actually even attracted to her physically. In fact, last night she invited me to a group dinner thing she was going to but I declined because I had dinner plans with my friend. I feel like in the past when I've been into the girl I would've asked my friend if I could take a raincheck and cleared space out for the girl so I could spend time with her.

Meanwhile, I've had a crush on a coworker of mine for a long time. I love her personality, we
'get' each other really well, she's attractive, hard working, and very smart. But—and she doesn't know this—our values don't line up at all. She's a liberal agnostic and I'm a religious conservative. Nobody at my job knows my faith and political values because it's a very liberal workplace and I'd probably be skewered for my beliefs, so I have to be shrewd with how I handle them. But she and I have hung out together in group capacities like hikes, dinners, going out to bars, and have had a lot of fun.

So why is it that I'm into the second girl but not the first one? My friend thinks it's because the first one is too much like me. Since when does anybody really want to date themselves? I kind of agree with him, but I also understand how difficult a romantic relationship/marriage can be when people don't line up in matters of faith. Even though my ex-wife and I were both Christian the fact that she was pentecostal and I was more traditionally-oriented created a lot of problems. That's dialed up to 11 if one of us is religious and the other isn't.

What are your thoughts here?
 
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Heavenhome

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My thought for any Christian is that you should not date any non Christian because that firstly is advised against in the Bible and before anything else that fact alone sets you up for trouble.
If your faith is important to you how can the believer and non believer reconcile? They can't and someone will have to compromise.

As to why are you attracted to your co worker maybe its because she is exciting as you know deep down you should not be yoked with an unbeliever.Kind of like forbidden fruit????......just a thought.

Another red flag is that your coworkers don't even know you are a Christian, well that spells trouble too. As she is a co worker, how will you tell her and how come she doesn't know yet?

I would give the first girl a chance.
 
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Gnarwhal

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Another red flag is that your coworkers don't even know you are a Christian, well that spells trouble too. As she is a co worker, how will you tell her and how come she doesn't know yet?

They don't know because just about all of them, including my boss, are fiercely anti-religious. If someone asks me my beliefs, I tell them, but I don't volunteer private information about myself to anybody.
 
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JAM2b

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Getting involved with someone who doesn't share your religious beliefs is a disaster waiting to happen.

As to the other lady, compatibility doesn't always mean romantic feelings or chemistry. It doesn't mean that those things won't develop over time, but there's no guarantee that they will either. I'd just be friends with her but don't shut out the possibility of something else later.
 
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MarkSB

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As to the other lady, compatibility doesn't always mean romantic feelings or chemistry. It doesn't mean that those things won't develop over time, but there's no guarantee that they will either. I'd just be friends with her but don't shut out the possibility of something else later.

^ I agree with this. Just because you don't see fireworks right away doesn't mean that things won't work out or that you won't develop an attraction. And keep in mind that "fireworks" can be deceiving. Once you get into a relationship, those type of feelings can be short-lived and not have any real depth to them. (Please don't think that I'm saying you are shallow... I think that we're all prone to those type of feelings). :)

My fiance was not a particularly religious person when we met. (I was physically attracted to her, so there's a difference in our situations there.) Over time I came to realize that she was just as spiritual as me, and that she comes from a religious family. She helped revived my faith in many ways. I think that dating someone who is anti-religious would be a different issue altogether, however - so is something that would require some extra caution / restraint your part. There's always something to lose - whether it be stumbling in your walk with God, or missing out on an opportunity for a relationship with someone else, because you're already dating someone you might not be compatible with.
 
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ReesePiece23

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I don't know about you, but I'm turned on by impossible challenges. I'm the sort of person to fall for the abstract artist - the sort of girl who may or may not even like men, who dresses like she's going to a funeral and only ever talks philosophically about conceptual matters.

I just seem to want what's actually bad for me. It's almost like I want my life to be a complete shambles. When a nice girl comes along, who appears to share a lot of my life views, who goes to church and has a lovely personality to boot, I literally live in fear, and start to believe that my life is about to come to an end. And that the fun is about to stop.

I'm a commitaphobe basically, and probably always will be. You've got an excuse, I haven't.
 
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mojoboy31

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I think it means you're distracted by your crush on your coworker. Not everyone can have those kinds of feelings for multiple people at a time.
You're comparing the new girl in your life to the one you've secretly longed for. Until you let it go- or try to pursue it to it's most likely terrible conclusion, you probably won't be able to "move on" with anyone.
 
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Miles

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Keep looking. I wish I had better advice, but neither sound like a good fit.

If I ever marry, it will be because I like the woman so much that I want to marry her. No amount of box-checking will do if the chemistry isn't there. Kind of like how your friends are your friends because you enjoy each other's company. Not because of a checklist.

That said, because marriage is hopefully a lifelong commitment, I think it's healthy to have boundaries and deal-breakers. I'm not suggesting that you marry someone just because it feels right. Ideally, head and heart should be in alignment.
 
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