Help, so discouraged

topher694 said:

The packet contains local resources, so it wouldn't be of much use here. This is not an uncommon thing for churches to put together, it just isn't advertised for privacy and security reasons.

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Is there a PDF copy online with sensitive information blocked out?

Eph text starts with Submit to each other.
Rank does not imply dictatorship.
The greatest rank is to be a servant of those below him.
Jesus gives us the example of headship by his death on the cross for us

Abusing one's wife does not fit the text.

Ephesians 5:21 The Message (MSG)
Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.

Ephesians 5:21 Lexham English Bible (LEB)
being subject to one another out of reverence for Christ

Ephesians 5:21 Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)
Wives and Husbands
21 Be willing to serve each other out of respect for Christ.

Ephesians 5:21 Good News Translation (GNT)
Wives and Husbands
21 Submit yourselves to one another because of your reverence for Christ.

Itsahappyday said:

We do everything together and rarely do I see friends without him. I do not have a Christian friend in whom I can confide in.

Last time I went out with a friend he questioned me, saying "you said something to her that you regretted, didn't you?" as if I had told her things about him and regretted it.

I said no, because I hadn't. He said while I was away he felt like there was a moment I felt bad for something I said. Then I remembered feeling bad telling too much details to my friend what another girl had done to me but not about him.

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His "feeling" is just a Jerks way to control others. Read the book, Don't let Jerks get the best of you. It is normal for women to go out together and meet. In fact the Bible teaches it. Maybe there is a bright side, He may be feeling guilty. We all should keep praying for God to Discipline him. Read II Peter 1 with him and ask him to instruct you on it. But, read it in several translations first.

Titus 2 Good News Translation (GNT)

2 But you must teach what agrees with sound doctrine. 2 Instruct the older men to be sober, sensible, and self-controlled; to be sound in their faith, love, and endurance. 3 In the same way instruct the older women to behave as women should who live a holy life. They must not be slanderers or slaves to wine. They must teach what is good, 4 in order to train the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, and to be good housewives who submit themselves to their husbands, so that no one will speak evil of the message that comes from God.

Proverbs 27:17
People learn from one another, just as iron sharpens iron.

Itsahappyday said:

I wish I knew how God sees me. It is all getting mixed up with the way my husband sees me.

When my husband says the Lord speaks to him, I feel like, why Lord aren't you telling him not to treat me this way?
And then I get sad because the Lord used to speak clearly to me, but now I feel it's not clear or as often. To be fair, with all this going on, I am distracted a lot so I am the problem, not the Lord.

I just wish inspite of all my failures to not respond in kind, I wish I knew that the Lord forgives me and that He still doesn't approve of him calling me names and telling me I'm gay because I have a hard time responding to him at times in bed.

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How does God see me in Christ?
In Christ, how does God see me?

Itsahappyday said:

Today was really bad. We argued on and off all day, with me telling him we don't do anything fun and him telling me I am not fun.

He did ask me to talk to him and he pointed at my heart. He says I don't talk to him. He said that I don't like him. (he has said so many mean things to me that I don't bother to respond at times)

He says that's why he likes talking to other people more than me, they talk to him. They're fun.

I told him that of course they do,... call them dumb idiot etc... like you do to me and they won't want to talk to him either.

He didn't agree.

He wanted to be a bit intimate but I was tired, we argued all day, it's late, my back has been hurting me over a week, so I tried but he got upset saying I was not really into it.

At one point we got on the subject of something that happened a few years ago. He was at church and a girl he had dated before we were married walked by wearing a top with her shoulders exposed. As she walked by, with his index finger he quickly drew a fast line on her upper arm to shoulder, maybe 4 inches, while turning to talk to someone.

I mentioned it tonight and he said he was making a comment to her about the top. But I know for a fact that he never spoke to her, just did the finger flick.

She's been a bone of contention for awhile. Just today he spoke to her twice on the phone when I was not present / home. I think she still is interested in him.
She also texted him a few times today. He said during our argument that she's fun to talk to, she talks to him.

He accused me of attacking his integrity. He said he didn't build up his reputation as a man of God all these years only to have his wife question him.

He got rough, holding my hands at the wrist really hard a number of times. Poking me very hard in the chest a few times above my heart saying I hurt him there.

He covered my mouth with his hands too, telling me to s up, let him talk.

He said I have no goal, no desire to excel, no passion.

I said maybe it's hormones, (at my age. I'm not in my 20 or 30s anymore.)

I said I don't see Jesus in you. He said I was an angel of light.

At one point, I just stopped the arguing and apologized for doubting his integrity

He said I trust you, but you don't trust me. I said that's true. He said we're going to have a loveless marriage.

Then he left the room.

In private he tells me I am a big disappointment to him. In public he praises me.

I need a miracle. I feel like I am not enough for him. I feel like a lump of humanity. Not good enough

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Go to the Police, ask for a female Officer, Leave your car there and ask them to take you to a Women's Shelter. For your safety, you must do that. If he left bruises on you go to the hospital to document it.

Itsahappyday said:

I don't believe in divorce

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Separation is to get help. It is not Divorce. By going to a Women's Shelter, you can get him into counseling, learn better ways to deal with him, put a support system in place, change churches to one that deals with the problem with real life experience. At first, you both will need separate Counseling while living a part from him in a safe place that he does not know about. Counseling and training for be done to equip the Pastor, Elder, Deacons and anyone else who does day to day service in the Church. If that Church personnel is unwilling to learn or do that find out from the Shelter and Counselors a different church that deals with this.

When there is injuries, have the Police and Doctors document them. You need to make him responsible to authorities (Romans 13) for his actions.

Safety:

1 Samuel 18-31 For example, in spite of God’s general instructions to submit to the laws of the land and to higher authorities, when David feared for his life because of King Saul’s jealous rages, God didn’t instruct David to “submit to the King and trust me to take care of you.” Instead, David fled, always respecting the position of King Saul, but not allowing himself to be abused by him.

Matthew 2:13-15 When Jesus was born and King Herod sought to exterminate all the Jewish babies two years old and younger, God told Joseph in a dream to flee to Egypt until it was safe to return.

Hebrews 11:31 When Rehab hid the Jewish spies, she lied to keep them safe and God commended her.

Luke 14:5 Jesus himself valued safety and said even the well-being of an ox was a higher value to God than legalistically keeping the Sabbath by not working.

Proverbs 27:12 teaches us, “The prudent see danger and take refuge.”

Safety is an important component of trust, especially in marriage. There can be no freedom or honest communication if someone feels afraid or is threatened, either physically and/or emotionally, or has a price to pay whenever they honestly share their thoughts and feelings.

Women (and sometimes men) fear taking measures to protect themselves because they’ve been taught it’s unbiblical or ungodly. They suffer endlessly with verbal battering, even physical abuse, believing that by doing so, they’re being godly martyrs. Keeping the family together at all costs is seen as God’s highest value.
Scripture Support For Separation From Destructive Spouse - Leslie Vernick- Christ-Centered Counseling

https://www.google.com/search?ei=mA...20i263j0i22i30j33i22i29i30j33i160._jZZN0g7rLQ

Itsahappyday said:

He said yesterday that the Lord speaks to him, that I should be scared.

He said that his anger is actually God's anger with me through him.

He said I'm lazy. He mentioned a girl we know who lost weight, that if she could do it, I should be able to also but I have no goal or determination. She's 31 I think and had 3 kids during her 20s. I'm in my late 40s and the weight doesn't want to budge much, just a few pounds. In addition I am tired.

He says I do nothing, but I do everything at home, meals, fetch his snacks, laundry, cleaning, etc.... and I help him at times with his work, typing things, etc...

He said I was a disappointment.

Just a few days ago he was saying that he appreciated all I do because it allows him to focus on his work.

He said someone told him before we were married that I would get on his nerves, and that they were right.

It's not fair that he has these fun texts with this girl 17 years my junior and expects me to be fun and happy and talkative, with the names he calls me.

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He is full of himself, mentally ill. Separate from him and get help.

I can see this thread is really going nowhere.

It is really simple, She should stop putting up with abuse, stop blaming herself. Go to a Women's shelter for help. Find a Church with a female Pastor to meet with in private.

list of choices

Stay in situation get vain advice by those who never experienced it firsthand. They will be pointing to the ideal. And, laying a guilt trip on you.

Go get help at Church likely same failure as above.

Go get help at Women's Shelter, which will force him into counseling if he wants you to live with him.

If injured, physically go to a doctor to document it, psychologically go to a shrink to help you coup.

that is all I can think of.

@Itsahappyday

There was some recommendation earlier in this thread to bring this matter to your pastor. Given the way you were phrasing things, this advice troubled me quite a bit, so I called out that poster. Your phrasings about your problem were "tells" about the teachings of your pastor. I have significant concerns about the likelihood of your church being a safe support to you.

I suspect the reason why your husband is able to confuse you so thoroughly is because he's using phrases and teachings from your pastor.

I found the following in one of your earlier threads about your church leadership:

Itsahappyday said:

I heard my pastor and an Elder talking about another sister in Christ.

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Itsahappyday said:

I didn't like it so I walked out and my walking out was taken badly. Was called self righteousness among other things when he confronted me. Must have had a frown on my face. Please pray for me.

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Itsahappyday said:

the Elder told me and the pastor that when this happened the thought that I was a pharisees crossed their mind.

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So now they gossiped about you because they were defensive about their own poor behaviors.

Itsahappyday said:

I walked out when it happened cause I didn't approve of sharing how June got upset about something with no purpose in my opinion.

If it was only between Mary and June fine but why tell the pastor.

If it's not my business they should be careful who they speak in front of then.

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Itsahappyday said:

He [pastor] said he can use the info in future if he ever needs to confront June about something else in future.

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Itsahappyday said:

There was an issue of gossiping before in the church but it was addressed. Just wouldn't want it to be continuing or starting again under a different label of keeping the pastor informed or need for counsel. Or saying a prayer at the end to justify their gossiping.

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Please visit a women's shelter to get advice for your situation. Do not go to these men. If you can't simply walk away from their gossip session without them confronting you and calling you self righteous and a pharisee for not validating their poor behavior, they are not safe resources for your situation.

If your husband is part of their "in" crowd, their group think behaviors will by default validate him and excoriate you. They've already demonstrated that they validate each other's poor behaviors at the expense of others.

Hugs,
E.

Endeavourer said:

@Itsahappyday

There was some recommendation earlier in this thread to bring this matter to your pastor. Given the way you were phrasing things, this advice troubled me quite a bit, so I called out that poster. Your phrasings about your problem were "tells" about the teachings of your pastor. I have significant concerns about the likelihood of your church being a safe support to you.

I suspect the reason why your husband is able to confuse you so thoroughly is because he's using phrases and teachings from your pastor.

I found the following in one of your earlier threads about your church leadership:







So now they gossiped about you because they were defensive about their own poor behaviors.








Please visit a women's shelter to get advice for your situation. Do not go to these men. If you can't simply walk away from their gossip session without them confronting you and calling you self righteous and a pharisee for not validating their poor behavior, they are not safe resources for your situation.

If your husband is part of their "in" crowd, their group think behaviors will by default validate him and excoriate you. They've already demonstrated that they validate each other's poor behaviors at the expense of others.

Hugs,
E.

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Amen, go to those who have experience in the real world. The key to the following texts is to get advice from those disciplined with real life experience. Not from armchair quarterbacks. Would you ask a doctor, nurse or pharmacist about a new medication? or go to a TV star?

Proverbs 15:22 If you don’t ask for advice, your plans will fail. With many advisors, they will succeed.

Proverbs 24:6 Get good advice before you start a war. To win, you must have many good advisors.

Proverbs 27:9 Perfume and incense make you feel good, and so does good advice from a friend.

Proverbs 28:26 It is foolish to be too confident. Those who ask for advice are wise and will escape disaster.

Itsahappyday said:

Thank you. I just hope that the Lord is not angry and disappointed with me like my husband said

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The Lord is not speaking through your husband. Satan is. The Lord speaks words of love, encouragement, and mercy. But those are not the words being spoken to you by your husband now. And remember, if we will confess our sins, the Lord is faithful and just to forgive them and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Just continue to trust in Him and faithfully serve and follow Him in whatever capacity He has given you.

Itsahappyday said:

We do everything together and rarely do I see friends without him. I do not have a Christian friend in whom I can confide in.

Last time I went out with a friend he questioned me, saying "you said something to her that you regretted, didn't you?" as if I had told her things about him and regretted it.

I said no, because I hadn't. He said while I was away he felt like there was a moment I felt bad for something I said. Then I remembered feeling bad telling too much details to my friend what another girl had done to me but not about him.

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I see that he is "enmeshed" in your life. This is very typical of abusers. They don't want you to have independence. They don't want you to get second opinion.

You also say that he has a reputation for being the man of God. Okay, then I suggest you go to a neutral party, and not go to your mutual contacts. There are sources outside of you two's circle of friends that you could go to, such as, the women's shelter.

Itsahappyday said:

I don't believe in divorce

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You can separate without divorcing.

Itsahappyday said:

He said yesterday that the Lord speaks to him, that I should be scared.

He said that his anger is actually God's anger with me through him.

He said I'm lazy. He mentioned a girl we know who lost weight, that if she could do it, I should be able to also but I have no goal or determination. She's 31 I think and had 3 kids during her 20s. I'm in my late 40s and the weight doesn't want to budge much, just a few pounds. In addition I am tired.

He says I do nothing, but I do everything at home, meals, fetch his snacks, laundry, cleaning, etc.... and I help him at times with his work, typing things, etc...

He said I was a disappointment.

Just a few days ago he was saying that he appreciated all I do because it allows him to focus on his work.

He said someone told him before we were married that I would get on his nerves, and that they were right.

It's not fair that he has these fun texts with this girl 17 years my junior and expects me to be fun and happy and talkative, with the names he calls me.

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I’m going to be really direct. Why do you keep posting about how horrible he is? You are choosing to stay with him. If you want it to stop, then leave. Complaining about it won’t change a thing.

I have worked with both abusers & those who have been abused.

Abusers do not change until they are held accountable. Even then they fake their changes but soon go back to abusing again. They are controlling & isolate the abused, so they cannot get the help they need. A few do get humbled & truly change but not many are willing to repent, admit their behavior & seek help to change it.

Steve Arterburn is one of those who repented & changed his life & now helps others to deal with what he calls 'toxic faith.' Here is a video where he talks about the characteristics of toxic faith. Hopefully this can help you.

How to Know if You're in a Toxic Faith System (Part 1)

He has a counseling service called newlife.com You can investigate it online.

Those abused have a naive attitude that things will change because 'sometimes' the abuser says nice things.

Those abused often do clumsy things BECAUSE they are walking on eggshells around the abuser & so focused on not doing or saying something wrong that they end up spilling something or forgetting something. I experienced the same things growing up in an abusive environment of drugs/alcohol. When that situation changed, much of my forgetting & clumsiness disappeared.

From the things that you have already said & from my counseling experience, your husband is getting ready to leave you. He is as much saying that, turning to other women for support, making you the escape goat to justify his leaving & blaming you squarely for why he is leaving & that you no longer meet his needs as a wife. You cannot respond to him because of the abuse.

You need to record & document all that he is doing to you now & keep all that you have already documented (the emails, etc.) Use your phone to record things or some tape recorder in your pocket (one of those small ones). He is trying to make you feel that you are to blame & will use things you do to justify his leaving.

You will need these in court when it comes to that or you getting custody of the children if you have any.

My niece recently went through all this with her abusive husband & his abusive parents supporting him. They constantly told lies about her. She documented all that he was doing & recording things, leaving her phone on for others to hear what was going on, as witnesses.

All this was used in court to verify what he was doing & she was vindicated. He also was fooling around with another woman & got her pregnant during this time.

Then he wanted sole custody of the daughter he & my niece had together. With all the evidence my niece & her parents had, the courts agreed with her & he didn't get custody. He was held accountable yet his behavior didn't change, as he did the same to this second girl, sad to say.

This is a typical pattern. You are experiencing it. My niece even had a private investigator follow him & verify what he was doing vs the lies he was saying. That is the level it took to hold him accountable.

There is counseling available on this forum, if & when you decide to get help. Others have provided other resources as well. We will be praying for you while you endure this difficult situation. I have seen a few marriages restored, when accountability was VERIFIED & persons could not deny the abuse anymore.

If he physically abuses you & leaves marks, then take pictures like you did in the past as evidence & if necessary, call the police, stating in these words, "I feared for my physical well being, I feared for my life.'

In my state, if the police are called in a domestic situation, one of them will be arrested. My niece had to do this & thus she had actual documentation of what was going on.

I hope these things are helpful. Here also is a wonderful list of Scriptures affirming how God sees us as His children, who we are in Christ FROM GOD'S PERSPECTIVE IN THE SCRIPTURES. Neil Anderson put this together & has some helpful books as well.

https://vintagelawrence.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/ANDERSON_WhoIAmInChrist.pdf

https://www.amazon.com/Who-Am-Christ-Neil-Anderson/dp/0764213806

Contenders Edge said:

The Lord is not speaking through your husband. Satan is. The Lord speaks words of love, encouragement, and mercy. But those are not the words being spoken to you by your husband now. And remember, if we will confess our sins, the Lord is faithful and just to forgive them and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Just continue to trust in Him and faithfully serve and follow Him in whatever capacity He has given you.

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I think he speaks from the natural man or sin nature. What was that mental illness someone brought up? Maybe, we should post characteristics here.