My family doctor prescribed me with a generalized anxiety disorder. I was put on a low dose of Lexapro and I just recently went off of it after two years and I feel fine. I do not feel the physical anxiety feelings (I used to feel shaky on the inside). I got to the point where all I did was live in the bathroom and cry even when I was ok. I had a lot of bad things going through my head about God in may different ways (Lord, Father, Spirit, Son) there was a lot of negativity and cussing towards Him. I now see a biblical counselor in a ministry at a baptist church. I really felt in my heart that biblical counseling would help me more than clinical counseling.
I just can't concentrate in my mind. I have felt like I have blasphemed the spirit by these things. I mean a lot of things have swarmed my mind. Like things about calling any person in the Godhead or God bad names or the devil/cursing their names. I can think of something and it comes to my mind like "it's in the Bible." For example, I can tell my husband he is the head of the household, he should pray before dinner every night. It will come back through this tiny little mind "it's in the bible." I freak out that that was geared towards prayer- that my husband has to do it. I am not trying to degrade God or add to His word.
I was laying in bed at night a month ago and something was coming to my mind like calling Christ or the Spirit the devil and I laid there telling myself "He is not!" about 20x. Of course it's in my subconscious to say "He is" or I'm sub-cautious to not saying it. That phrase moved on by. I can't even describe it. It's like I was afraid to think the opposite, but it was like "think the opposite of what you're thinking" was pressed upon me. As that thought passed through, I my torso lifted from my bed as I cringed with that thought. I let it peep through, but I continued to hammer it with "He is not/isn't." I wanted to die after that.
I have had theses things in dreams and even as soon as I wake up bad things are on my mind. I pray through it, but I feel so guilty like all of this is my fault. Like I am the one doing it. My doctor told me that it is not me, that it is a disease. I feel like it is Satan. The mental health counselor I saw said that it was me overthinking or simply stress. She did me no favors. She could not help me at all. My biblical counselor blames OCD and says that thinking Satan has done it is giving him too much credit. I am not wanting to think these things. I had a preacher tell me that it sounded like Satan was after me. I don't know what all Satan knows in my mind.
Being on the medicine helped me remain calm. The thoughts did not go away. They still swooped through like a bandit whenever. I just wasn't freaking out. The thoughts were reduced, so I felt like it was all my fault all along. Maybe the medicine just helped me concentrate on what was in front of me. I felt like I had a lot of concentration after the medicine. I wondered how I would be off of it and decreasing it. I did just fine. Lately, I have had worries about starting a family. I have tried for the past 3 years and nothing. I do worry when I have kids that controlling family members will take over. That has pressed me a lot. That leads to today's issue.
Today I just had a stupid thought. I was running my dishwasher and all of a sudden started thinking of how my husband expects me to do everything. I feel like he expects a lot but between usually being sick, living in my head, work and trying to bible study, not all of that can be done in a day. A little irritated, but not irritated enough to be mad. So then my mind goes to kids doing chores. It was like a feeling that I probably couldn't get a kid to help out around the house just like my husband who makes messes. Then my thought went to someone who I know of who is a works-based salvation "Christian" who only believes in baptism. I thought of her kids. I saw a picture in my mind of them doing chores. I think I may have seen it on Instagram (and then now I'm wondering if that picture was her kids or someone else's, but I am still referring to them). I thought to myself "Those kids help out because they don't want to go to hell." I moved across the kitchen and thought "I wish that's the way it was." Then I had a thought like being a real Christian made people not help. I quickly told myself "Jesus doesn't do that." These thoughts are super fast. I feel like I draw blank through them. My mind feels like a knotted up piece of yarn. My worry over this situation was that I don't wish things were that way referring back to the works reference. I took it as I wished for works salvation. I don't even wish that. I had to think of what I even meant by that. I mean, I wish kids were more helpful today like they should pitch in for the glory of God, not that I wish that I could tell kids you better help out because you might not get into Heaven for it. I worried over that for a few min.
I really have been stressed lately. I have a job, but it's over with until August. I cannot get pregnant. I actually need a better job and I live in my husband's parents old house which seems to be controlled by his parents. I'm never warned when anyone (like a service they have hired/it's like we have to get who they approved) stops by. If you mention you are going to fix up the living room, you are quizzed over it. When MIL stops by, she is looking all over the place. She even has a key. I want out so bad. We can't mention our dreams of building or liking a home- she has a problem with it. I just know when I have kids, she will take that from me too.
I wonder if the stresses I was thinking earlier swooped around to that last thought.
Can Satan twist the good thoughts I am trying to have or can he make me buy into an innocent thought and then twist the thought?
How do I kick this guilt?
What should I do?
I keep praying and holding in there. I really love the Lord. I don't want to curse Him or anything. I hate the disrespect that runs through my mind. It has gotten so bad, that I can't think straight. I hope this made some sense, guys. I am a saved and baptized Christian. I typically attend baptist and non-denomination churches.
Thanks and God bless all who read this!
I just can't concentrate in my mind. I have felt like I have blasphemed the spirit by these things. I mean a lot of things have swarmed my mind. Like things about calling any person in the Godhead or God bad names or the devil/cursing their names. I can think of something and it comes to my mind like "it's in the Bible." For example, I can tell my husband he is the head of the household, he should pray before dinner every night. It will come back through this tiny little mind "it's in the bible." I freak out that that was geared towards prayer- that my husband has to do it. I am not trying to degrade God or add to His word.
I was laying in bed at night a month ago and something was coming to my mind like calling Christ or the Spirit the devil and I laid there telling myself "He is not!" about 20x. Of course it's in my subconscious to say "He is" or I'm sub-cautious to not saying it. That phrase moved on by. I can't even describe it. It's like I was afraid to think the opposite, but it was like "think the opposite of what you're thinking" was pressed upon me. As that thought passed through, I my torso lifted from my bed as I cringed with that thought. I let it peep through, but I continued to hammer it with "He is not/isn't." I wanted to die after that.
I have had theses things in dreams and even as soon as I wake up bad things are on my mind. I pray through it, but I feel so guilty like all of this is my fault. Like I am the one doing it. My doctor told me that it is not me, that it is a disease. I feel like it is Satan. The mental health counselor I saw said that it was me overthinking or simply stress. She did me no favors. She could not help me at all. My biblical counselor blames OCD and says that thinking Satan has done it is giving him too much credit. I am not wanting to think these things. I had a preacher tell me that it sounded like Satan was after me. I don't know what all Satan knows in my mind.
Being on the medicine helped me remain calm. The thoughts did not go away. They still swooped through like a bandit whenever. I just wasn't freaking out. The thoughts were reduced, so I felt like it was all my fault all along. Maybe the medicine just helped me concentrate on what was in front of me. I felt like I had a lot of concentration after the medicine. I wondered how I would be off of it and decreasing it. I did just fine. Lately, I have had worries about starting a family. I have tried for the past 3 years and nothing. I do worry when I have kids that controlling family members will take over. That has pressed me a lot. That leads to today's issue.
Today I just had a stupid thought. I was running my dishwasher and all of a sudden started thinking of how my husband expects me to do everything. I feel like he expects a lot but between usually being sick, living in my head, work and trying to bible study, not all of that can be done in a day. A little irritated, but not irritated enough to be mad. So then my mind goes to kids doing chores. It was like a feeling that I probably couldn't get a kid to help out around the house just like my husband who makes messes. Then my thought went to someone who I know of who is a works-based salvation "Christian" who only believes in baptism. I thought of her kids. I saw a picture in my mind of them doing chores. I think I may have seen it on Instagram (and then now I'm wondering if that picture was her kids or someone else's, but I am still referring to them). I thought to myself "Those kids help out because they don't want to go to hell." I moved across the kitchen and thought "I wish that's the way it was." Then I had a thought like being a real Christian made people not help. I quickly told myself "Jesus doesn't do that." These thoughts are super fast. I feel like I draw blank through them. My mind feels like a knotted up piece of yarn. My worry over this situation was that I don't wish things were that way referring back to the works reference. I took it as I wished for works salvation. I don't even wish that. I had to think of what I even meant by that. I mean, I wish kids were more helpful today like they should pitch in for the glory of God, not that I wish that I could tell kids you better help out because you might not get into Heaven for it. I worried over that for a few min.
I really have been stressed lately. I have a job, but it's over with until August. I cannot get pregnant. I actually need a better job and I live in my husband's parents old house which seems to be controlled by his parents. I'm never warned when anyone (like a service they have hired/it's like we have to get who they approved) stops by. If you mention you are going to fix up the living room, you are quizzed over it. When MIL stops by, she is looking all over the place. She even has a key. I want out so bad. We can't mention our dreams of building or liking a home- she has a problem with it. I just know when I have kids, she will take that from me too.
I wonder if the stresses I was thinking earlier swooped around to that last thought. Can Satan twist the good thoughts I am trying to have or can he make me buy into an innocent thought and then twist the thought?
How do I kick this guilt?
What should I do?
I keep praying and holding in there. I really love the Lord. I don't want to curse Him or anything. I hate the disrespect that runs through my mind. It has gotten so bad, that I can't think straight. I hope this made some sense, guys. I am a saved and baptized Christian. I typically attend baptist and non-denomination churches.
Thanks and God bless all who read this!
