- Mar 6, 2019
- 34
- 13
- 26
- Country
- United Kingdom
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
Been christian for maybe almost a year or over, my memories fuzzy. It was really great for starters but overtime I've just spiralled into an unstable mess. The more I tried to get closer to God the further I got. Other people get saved and sure they struggle, but they always overcome, and their filled with joy and assurance, and many of them have more reason to be sad than me. I grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth, so I know I'm a spoilt brat saying this, but Seeing people like that feels like a knife on my heart these days. I'm happy others are being blessed, but I sometimes don't want to even hear other people testify, every time they talk about how good God is to them I just remember how pathetic I am and feel alienated. I've stopped projecting my insecurities on God and I'm willing to admit I have no idea what his thoughts are. The real issue is me. I don't get why I'm such a faithless mess and others are so joy filled with God. Before being saved I was spiritually miserable but content physically. I never got depressed, I barely worried (which wasn't good as I had no sense of urgency). But now I'm miserable and a complete wreck. When I should have more reason for joy and less reason to worry. I'm just not good at this, at all. In fact, I feel like some of my faith is strengthened just knowing there's no way on earth I could be doing any of this if it weren't for God's grace. Sometimes he works but you just don't notice. Its not that I rely on feelings. I could handle feeling down, its never progressing, no direction, I have NO joy, I don't want to live like this. I have a hard time finding assurance. I obey God to the best of what I've been given, I prayed daily, morning and evening and in between, I read through scripture, but all the knowledge I've gotten hasn't made my countenance any better. And now I'm effectively starting to backslide out my prayer life.