- Apr 25, 2019
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I have OCD, and there have been times that I have fallen into unbelief unintentionally about God's existence and even about Jesus being the Messiah. I have read apologetic websites and stuff to try to remove the doubt, things like proof of the resurrection and prophecies that Jesus had fulfilled.
Anyway, I'm worried that I have fallen away because I stopped believing. This has been going on for a week. Just this Friday, as I was about to leave school, I was reading some apologetic stuff and whatnot, and I remember reading something from one guy who effectively made a case as for why Jesus was the devil, and as I read it, it was like something inside me began to believe what he was saying. I didn't want to believe it, but it was like all of a sudden I couldn't see Jesus the same anymore. I wondered if He really was evil. This is a pain to write and I don't know if I should be writing this.
Anyway, this resulted in me panicking and trying to get it out of my head, screaming at myself to stop believing this blasphemous idea. I cried profusely when I got home, wondering how I could have believed that. I believed that I had been saved and there were times I felt great joy that I believe came from the Lord. But now I had thrown it all away.
I know people say that if I am worried about committing this sin, it is proof I have not, but I don't understand that. How could I so suddenly believe something that was completely wrong and blasphemous? I don't understand. It's like I'm starting to believe stuff against my will. I wanted to believe that Jesus was the true Messiah and that the Bible was true but something inside of me kept saying that He was the devil, and I couldn't stop believing it. This was more than a blasphemous thought that I knew I didn't believe; it was like I did believe it.
I told my mom about it, in words, and I'm afraid that by speaking those thoughts I've blasphemed Him. A lot of times, when things come in my head like this, I have the urge to say it out loud. I'm just afraid that I may have. What if I had said it out loud?
Anyway, I'm worried that I have fallen away because I stopped believing. This has been going on for a week. Just this Friday, as I was about to leave school, I was reading some apologetic stuff and whatnot, and I remember reading something from one guy who effectively made a case as for why Jesus was the devil, and as I read it, it was like something inside me began to believe what he was saying. I didn't want to believe it, but it was like all of a sudden I couldn't see Jesus the same anymore. I wondered if He really was evil. This is a pain to write and I don't know if I should be writing this.
Anyway, this resulted in me panicking and trying to get it out of my head, screaming at myself to stop believing this blasphemous idea. I cried profusely when I got home, wondering how I could have believed that. I believed that I had been saved and there were times I felt great joy that I believe came from the Lord. But now I had thrown it all away.
I know people say that if I am worried about committing this sin, it is proof I have not, but I don't understand that. How could I so suddenly believe something that was completely wrong and blasphemous? I don't understand. It's like I'm starting to believe stuff against my will. I wanted to believe that Jesus was the true Messiah and that the Bible was true but something inside of me kept saying that He was the devil, and I couldn't stop believing it. This was more than a blasphemous thought that I knew I didn't believe; it was like I did believe it.
I told my mom about it, in words, and I'm afraid that by speaking those thoughts I've blasphemed Him. A lot of times, when things come in my head like this, I have the urge to say it out loud. I'm just afraid that I may have. What if I had said it out loud?
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