Give "Bad" Advice (3)

Wow, I'm impressed. I have legions of fans, but all they do is send me fan mail.

I'm a pathological hoarder. How can I stop hoarding?

Burn down your house.

Since I live next door to Chesterton, how can I keep my house safe while his is in flames?

It was your advice. Only seems right that you go down with me.

My dog is engaging in squirrel genocide in the backyard. What should I do?

Give the dog a ball gag and only take it off for dinner time.

What foreign language should I learn next?

Ancient Sanskrit would be fun.

I'm going with my family for a vacation at a mountain cabin. What I should do for fun this week?

You should bring Chesterton’s dog with you, and you and your brother can place various squirrel kill over/under bets such as grand total for the entire week, or kills per hour, etc.


I’m tired of hearing the speculation that one day Earth’s magnetic poles will reverse, how can I force this to happen ASAP because I wanna see if it causes something really cool to happen?

by private messaging the CFer, "Mr. Noodle" to see if he's ever going to come back to post shenanigans again.

Pizza party?

That is a great idea. A political party based on the idea of maximising Pizza for all. Just be careful, lest you get seduced by Big Pizza and its untold billions in campaign contributions.

How can I get the painters to not spill paint when painting my house?

tell 'em to keep their eyes on God.

What should I do about this sneaking sense of malaise?

Turn round and confront it. Turn around and give that malaise a fistfull of spines. Then pull up all of your floorboards to make sure it didn't bring company.

Please give me some useful general advice about things in general.

keep a measuring tape on you & don't take any wooden nickels




how to sell lots & lots at a garage sale?

get a picture of me, earle, and the dying girl and say all proceeds are going forth to support her medical bills.

how am i going to get an instrumental version of one of my favorite rap songs when it's not available on youtube?

Pee on your own yard until it stinks of urine. The dog will get the idea where he is supposed to go.

How can I get out of onerous duties I'd rather avoid?

let that candy just run all over the floor, dan.

how can we get eric clapton to make another studio album with original songs before he dies?

Persistence is our only hope, we just continue to send Nicki Minaj and Lil Wayne to his house until they finally convince him that ‘Lil Nicki & the Old Head Yo’ would make the best original album in over a decade.


What should I bring with me to a family BBQ this weekend?

Your own thigh, barbecued.

How do I properly thank someone who did a very nice thing?

Learn this song and play it for them... of course chage a few words here and there to make it more culturally appropriate
How to let disturbing images dissipate quickly?

Have a pint of Lager in a Cheshire pub with a lovely atheist friend.

How do I do the maypole without looking gay?

Some would argue that it won’t be gay as long as you make sure no one sees...”If a Spikey does the maypole in a forest and no one is around to see it, does it make a gay moment?”


How do I get people who hate me to like me?