Wife Ignored 25th Wedding Anniversary

J2019 said:

25 years of marriage yesterday. Life has been good for much of this. We've shared our faith journey, kids are in college, we are reasonably healthy, blah, blah, blah. But we have been going through some relationship issues for ~2 years. She thinks things will be ok but nothing changes. She says she 'loves' me but I don't sense she is 'in-love' with me.

I am self-employed and work has been slow for 2 years. I am also having some relationship challenges with elderly parents and siblings. My wife has shown very little encouragement or affirmation to me during this challenging time. We've talked about it, but nothing seems to change.

I had a card and flowers for her when she arrived home from work at 8am (she's a nurse and finished a night shift). She didn't mention it or say thanks, and didn't have a card for me. When I asked her about it, she didn't think we were doing that anymore but later said she dropped the ball.

I feel she no longer values, admires or affirms me. Seems unfair after 25 years of commitment, caring and providing. We've talked about this for so long - too long. I don't feel like trying anymore. Meanwhile, my career and extended family matters are also really weighing on me. I feel as if I no longer trust her with my feelings. If she can not be there for me when things are tough, then it seems she is not really committed to "for better or for worse". And I don't think our "worse" has included any of the really difficult stuff other relationships seem to face. I feel hurt and losing interest in trying any longer.

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My heart goes out to you. I want to encourage you to keep loving your wife. I pray that God will give you the strength to love her as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her.

Don't give up! God can renew your love for one another, and I pray that He will do this for you!

j2019 - Are you looking for a path to fixing your marriage or a path to divorce?

You don't owe me any answer, your actions will speak for themselves. If you want a divorce you will pursue the affair accusation. If you want to fix your marriage you will try to fix it instead.

I'm sorry Endeavourer, but suggesting J2019's wife is having an affair (and betting money on it) will not help him repair is marriage. I am not an expert, but I think your entire line of reasoning is unbiblical.

J2019 said:

Good suggestion. When we go away for a week, things get much better. But, the old patterns return when we get home. I want a relationship in the real word, not just on vacations. She is not working overtime hours and not caring for young children. I do many of the household chores and meals given my work is currently slow. I just feel like she is taking me for granted.

As someone else said, I would take a bullet for her, and much more. I feel she won't ever understand what I have been to her and this family unless I were out of the picture.

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You mentioned the change in the relationship seemed to correlate with a decline in your business. Is she accustomed to a high standard of living through your business, and that has changed?

Can you spell out a bit more the issues with siblings and parents? Sometimes relationship stress leaves little energy for each other.

Praying for you both.

J2019 said:

Endeavourer: I'd have to say no to all those questions? We have complete access to each other's phones. We usually leave them in open space. She is not always texting or other. Our emails go to both our laptops (for easy back-up and response reasons). When she is not at work she is at home, never out late, not changing her appearance. If she was having an affair, at least I would have an explanation, even if I didn't like it. I just don't think she is in love with me anymore. She is a very dutiful person who accepts things are they are. She obeys all the rules in life, generally treats people with respect and kindness and minds her own business. That's just who she is. ???

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This is promising information but I'm not convinced. Not wanting to acknowledge the flowers you bought for your 25th is still a stronger message than any of the circumstantial conditions you mention here. It means that some other sentiment is more attractive to her than your relationship and has displaced her desire for your marriage. I would strongly recommend that you investigate for an affair. It might be someone at work so there would be no electronic communications - or she may be diligent at deleting them. She also may have a burner phone. Do you have access to the call or texting logs for her phone from the phone bill?

In the meantime, here's a series of articles which deal with how dating and starting to meet each other's needs better can restore a couple's in-love feelings. I can personally vouch for the methods being described here. My husband and I follow them carefully and we are years into a blissful honeymoon of a marriage. There is a lot of reading here as you progress through the approximately 20 articles; I hope you can make it through the whole series. Each of the couples is representative of truths proven out by a lifetime of experience and research by a Christian psychologist.

Dating the One You Married Series of Articles (Marriage Builders®,...

Endeavourer said:

This is promising information but I'm not convinced. Not wanting to acknowledge the flowers you bought for your 25th is still a stronger message than any of the circumstantial conditions you mention here. It means that some other sentiment is more attractive to her than your relationship and has displaced her desire for your marriage. I would strongly recommend that you investigate for an affair. It might be someone at work so there would be no electronic communications - or she may be diligent at deleting them. She also may have a burner phone. Do you have access to the call or texting logs for her phone from the phone bill?

In the meantime, here's a series of articles which deal with how dating and starting to meet each other's needs better can restore a couple's in-love feelings. I can personally vouch for the methods being described here. My husband and I follow them carefully and we are years into a blissful honeymoon of a marriage. There is a lot of reading here as you progress through the approximately 20 articles; I hope you can make it through the whole series. Each of the couples is representative of truths proven out by a lifetime of experience and research by a Christian psychologist.

Dating the One You Married Series of Articles (Marriage Builders®,...

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I agree that diving into the possibility of an affair head-on could do more damage than good.

I would strongly suggest talking calmly and lovingly to your wife about what's bugging her before trying to essentially hack her phone.

She might just hate her job, feel unappreciated, and have no energy for anything else.

You said you're self employed. What is it that you do? You also said it has been slow with your self employment. Whatever trade it is that you do in self employment, is it possible that you could get a job somewhere doing what you do for a while until things pick up? If she's working night shifts as a nurse and is bringing in most of the income while you're around the house waiting for things to pick up, that I think would get old for her real quick. She might not tell you that, but money problems is one of the top reasons that people get divorced.

J2019 said:

tall73: Not directly tied to my marriage situation, just some of the added stresses I have where a wife's encouragement would be nice. My mother needs a nursing home but my father doesn't want to change his lifestyle to free-up the money (possibly sell their home) to pay for her care (or just spend dollars to bring in some help). He says he is taking care of her but he is falling short of what she needs. He is selfish with strong pride. Also, his judgement is becoming very questionable as he gets older and he seems to fight with us kids on most matters related to mom's care. None of us adult children have a close relationship with him but we all want to honour him and mom. My parents never seemed to work at building a close family and none of us children are close to each other today. My only point in mentioning it was to say that I have a few stresses at this stage in life and I expected I could rely more on my wife for support, affirmation and encouragement. She just doesn't seem to get it. I think should would quickly see the hole in our home if I dropped dead today. She expresses very little appreciation for what I have done for her and our children for 25 years.

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This might sound a little bit harsh, and may be wrong, but do *you* appreciate her?

This might just be a "me" thing, but from conversations I've had it seems like it could be fairly common for women. Sometimes I really want something from another person - some kind of behavior, or action, or feeling - but I also really want them to decide of their own volition to do it without me needing to tell them to. I hope that they'll figure it out on their own, initially. After while, I drop subtle hints from time to time. Eventually it gets to the point where I'm irrationally upset with them for not having done the thing, but still don't want to just outright request it, so I start taking it out on them in various ways... including not displaying affection, brushing off their issues (they're "ignoring" mine, why should I care about theirs?), starting arguments about dumb things, etc. At this point, they don't even have any idea about why I'm upset, and so now they're getting hurt and angry at me for my behaviors which only upsets me the more.
It's as if I expect they'll be able to read my mind and just know exactly the thing that I want from them... It's not rational, and it makes it impossible for the other person to fix the situation! Maybe your wife isn't like this at all, but it would perhaps be worth trying to figure out. It could be that there's something she's really been wanting from you that she's been hoping you'd figure out...and since you haven't, she's getting frustrated and it's manifesting in various ways.

J2019 said:

Hi Gracia: Not too harsh. I've asked her that?

Our situation seems ridiculous to me. ​

She says that she does feel appreciated by me and says I do lots of little things to show it, and says she is lucky to have me as her spouse. She admits she "drops the ball" with me, but nothing changes.

If you asked anyone who knows her they would say she is nice, non-pretentious, gentle, serving person. If they read the comments I posted here they would doubt that is my wife. There is disconnect between how others see here and how she seems to value our marriage.

Anyways, I don't know if I am looking for answers or just wanting to vent.

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Ok. Maybe sit down with her, and ask her how she'd feel about getting another, easier, simpler job. Maybe with better hours. And no nights.

She may be super excited. She may, like Sasha hinted, be hoping that you get a job, too. But it's not in her nature to spell it out. So she's being frustrated, grumpy, and passive-aggressive. Frankly, I can get that way, too.

If you can not or are not able to work, that's ok, too. But maybe at least float the idea of letting her step down to something less exhausting. Let her pick, as long as it's nothing weird or unethical, and you guys can still pay the bills.

J2019 said:

we have been going through some relationship issues for ~2 years.

I am self-employed and work has been slow for 2 years.

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I hope you were not offended by my post on employment. But it is something you should at least consider. I by no means was trying to insinuate anything negative about you in the employment situation.

J2019 said:

StevenBelievin: I am a business advisor/consultant and it has provided very well for my family and many other people and organizations we have supported. Business has slowed lately. This may be the new reality - for better or worse.

I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that both the support of my wife and other people and organizations seems to crawl away when the finances slow down. I thought I could rely on my wife after 25 years. I thought she was never about the money or security. Guess not. I don't agree with divorce but I am tired of talking and trying.

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So to clarify, you think she is upset about the finances?

Or do you just think she is fine and not upset at all, but does't pay any attention to you?

Is she generally an introvert?

Was there a time she was more attentive?

J2019 said:

25 years of marriage yesterday. Life has been good for much of this. We've shared our faith journey, kids are in college, we are reasonably healthy, blah, blah, blah. But we have been going through some relationship issues for ~2 years. She thinks things will be ok but nothing changes. She says she 'loves' me but I don't sense she is 'in-love' with me.

I am self-employed and work has been slow for 2 years. I am also having some relationship challenges with elderly parents and siblings. My wife has shown very little encouragement or affirmation to me during this challenging time. We've talked about it, but nothing seems to change.

I had a card and flowers for her when she arrived home from work at 8am (she's a nurse and finished a night shift). She didn't mention it or say thanks, and didn't have a card for me. When I asked her about it, she didn't think we were doing that anymore but later said she dropped the ball.

I feel she no longer values, admires or affirms me. Seems unfair after 25 years of commitment, caring and providing. We've talked about this for so long - too long. I don't feel like trying anymore. Meanwhile, my career and extended family matters are also really weighing on me. I feel as if I no longer trust her with my feelings. If she can not be there for me when things are tough, then it seems she is not really committed to "for better or for worse". And I don't think our "worse" has included any of the really difficult stuff other relationships seem to face. I feel hurt and losing interest in trying any longer.

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Even though @DaveL and I have had our disagreements on this issue, I agree with him on this one. If divorce is off the table, then your only option is to work on it. Have you tried marriage counseling?

No Username Found said:

Even though @DaveL and I have had our disagreements on this issue, I agree with him on this one.

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DaveL's method is completely unsafe if one of the partners is an abuser. Otherwise the one partner's sincerely held beliefs against divorce will allow the abuser to do whatever he/she feels like doing and get away with it. It is a very harmful and destructive mindset for victims of abuse. My exH used to brag to people that he could treat me however he wanted to and I'd never divorce him because he knew I had that mindset. The Lord had to forcefully show me that such a union was a covenant with death and that I must take action against it before the thought could even occur to me that there may be a remedy available.

Edited to add: Also, no fellowship with anyone who has been divorced? Are they unclean or something? Yikes.

Hello J2019,
I know all about hangin’ on and enduring through rough marriage waters.
I used to complain to God about how I’m not convinced that my wife loves me. God finally told me deep in my Spirit that He doesn’t want to hear me complain to Him about her anymore. Lol. And His question repeatedly to me was, do I love her? Am I loving her?
Also, just remember that before there was sex and love, before there was romance, there was friendship interest.
That’s where I’d go back to. Interest in her. Friendship, it’s hugely important.
Sorry you’re having a rough time. I understand; believe me.
My stance with God, the third person in our marriage covenant, in rough marriage times has been, “I’m trusting you Lord. I’m just hanging on and trusting you.”

following