(Advice / Discussion) Should one live with a significant other before marriage?

Trayalc said:

I guess this is partly asking advice and partly a discussion. I am currently single, but I have a friend who has been dating a guy for a few months and has already committed the next year to living in the same apartment with him. I personally don't think it's a good idea because who knows what could happen in a year? What if something goes awry between them and she is stuck living with him?

I personally think that it's not a good idea to live with a significant other before marriage. I think there's good reasons both religiously and secularly to avoid doing this. What do you all think?

And as for advice on the specific situation, should I talk to this friend about such concerns, or is it none of my business and I should stay out of it?

Thanks!

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If your friend is a believer, then she wouldn't move in with this guy until they get married.
You should be able to express your concern to her, as a true friend. I know it's not easy to talk about these things, but try to explain your reason for sharing your view first.

God gave us commandments in order to bless us, they were given for our own good. If we ignore them and insist on living a life of sin, then we can look forward to things like sorrow, regret, bitterness, depression, misery, emptiness, guilty conscience, insomnia, poor health, financial problems, a distorted world view, personal conflicts, alcohol or drug abuse and many other spiritual problems.

I would approach her in a way that shows you have her best interests at heart. If you can win her confidence then she will listen and hopefully give it some serious thought. She needs to understand that she won't be able to go back to life as she knows it now, if their relationship fails after living together. It would be like having a resume where your former employer says he sacked you because you failed to perform your duties.

I wouldn't have married my wife if she lived with someone else before we meet. Men are turned off by the thought that some other guy has been there before him and I'm sure women wouldn't like it either. It's like you leave half of yourself with the other person and give the new partner the left overs.

No. Cohabitors expose themselves to more temptation to fornicate, and whether they fornicate or not, people in the church and in the world will assume they are fornicating. Hence they would be fooling the world into thinking they are committing a sin, and needlessly losing an aspect of their witness. This is much more significant than going to a movie theater or bar, for any recovering Baptists that might be reading.

Cohabiting may prove to have other drawbacks as well, that would undermine the relationship. And if they break up, they're still bound by a lease agreement. Since they've only been together a few months, they're taking more of a risk with this.

Generally speaking if a couple isn't ready to get married, they shouldn't bind themselves to each other. That means, among other things:

They shouldn't have sex.
They shouldn't have or adopt a child together.
They shouldn't adopt a pet together.
They shouldn't sign any kind of contract together. This includes leases, mortgages, loans, anything like that.

The guidance provided by scripture on this topic is exhaustively cited elsewhere. It is clearly against biblical teaching to shack up before getting hitched up.

Should you talk to your friend about this? That's a great question.
I think my answer is yes you should depending on a few factors.
Is your friend is a Christian?
Are you willing to test your friendship by providing this person with some accountability?

Look at Matthew 18:15+ for biblical support for how to approach a wayward Christ follower.

It's wrong if she's a Christian. You should be open with her and tell her the truth

As a Christian, I believe that we should always strive to be salt and light to the world whenever and wherever the opportunity to share the Gospel presents itself. Likewise, if we're talking to a believer, then we should obey the Word of God which admonishes us who are spiritual to restore a brother or sister in a spirit of gentleness if they are caught in a transgression. (Galatians 6:1)

I believe this is a great example of an area which has both spiritual and secular consequences. If your friend is a Christ follower or even if she isn't, you have the awesome privilege in this situation to make an impact in her life and for Christ. Trust the Holy Sprit's leading and pray for the right words to say. I'll be praying for you as well and for your friend. Thanks for sharing and may God continue to bless you with His grace and favor!

Trayalc said:

I guess this is partly asking advice and partly a discussion. I am currently single, but I have a friend who has been dating a guy for a few months and has already committed the next year to living in the same apartment with him. I personally don't think it's a good idea because who knows what could happen in a year? What if something goes awry between them and she is stuck living with him?

I personally think that it's not a good idea to live with a significant other before marriage. I think there's good reasons both religiously and secularly to avoid doing this. What do you all think?

And as for advice on the specific situation, should I talk to this friend about such concerns, or is it none of my business and I should stay out of it?

Thanks!

Click to expand...

Although I did live with my now wife prior to marriage I think it was the wrong thing to do, and I regret it very much, as it really gave us no advantages, just something to be ashamed of.

As far as getting involved, if it was me, I would talk to her about it, but do not be surprised if goes psycho on you.

Trayalc said:

I guess this is partly asking advice and partly a discussion. I am currently single, but I have a friend who has been dating a guy for a few months and has already committed the next year to living in the same apartment with him. I personally don't think it's a good idea because who knows what could happen in a year? What if something goes awry between them and she is stuck living with him?

I personally think that it's not a good idea to live with a significant other before marriage. I think there's good reasons both religiously and secularly to avoid doing this. What do you all think?

And as for advice on the specific situation, should I talk to this friend about such concerns, or is it none of my business and I should stay out of it?

Thanks!

Click to expand...

Pagans are going to act like pagans.
That's what pagans do. Which is why most pagans are rather miserable people. I know a girl right now that has done this, and she is miserable, single mother, because she keeps screwing around with guys, who then get their kicks from her and then ditch her.

But she's a pagan. This is how pagans act.

If your friend is a Christian, you need to be a good enough friend, to slap her hard enough to wake up.

A Christian does not live with a boyfriend. It's not just stupid, and a great way to ruin your life... as a Christian it is called sin. You don't live with someone you are not married to. You want to sleep with them, you marry them. It's called "fornication" and it is sin and wrong. She is not to do it.

Dating a few months and then moving in together? That seems super fast to me.. not that it can't work, but that the odds are stacked against them, as truly, they barely know each other. Granted, once they move in together, they will learn a great deal about each other really really fast... That can make a relationship pretty rocky, and to add insult to injury, there are the financial penalties of breaking the lease, and/or leaving one or the other party with a real mess to clean up. This can and does turn relationships toxic.

As far as living together or not before marriage once a relationship is solid, that's mostly a cultural thing. The victorian culture here on CF will have a bird over it... but in general, most Christians are pretty pragmatic about such. Granted, there is the possibility for greater temptation... so if one is even a tiny bit concerned about caving, then it is better not to go there, in other words, flee from temptation. (Maturity plays a a major role in this... two 18 year olds who are new in Christ, is a way different scenario, than a couple 30 somethings who have walked with Jesus for a decades)

There is also the issue of the little old church ladies and their gossip... and in some ways, one could argue that this is a weaker brother thing. Otoh, most of these little old church ladies have been Christians for decades, so if they haven't yet figured out not to gossip, and they expect others to toe the line so they don't sin... the problem is on their end. New believers stumbling, sure, we should try to protect them etc... but when its a lazy believer unwilling to engage with their own sin issues, its on them.

As far as talking to her about it. I remember a buddy of mine brought up moving in with his girl back when we were students at uni. I remember saying, well, at least you know each other... but is this really a wise thing? What's going to happen if things really click for the year, and then you each go to opposite coasts for grad school? I didn't have to bring up the temptation bit at all, as its none of my business #1, and both were very committed Christians #2 and neither needed me poking my 2 cents in there with the obvious #3.