How to get over a death?

Here is an article on identifying and dealing with incomplete grief

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/fixing-families/201706/six-signs-incomplete-grief

Say to yourself that you will one day see him in heaven.

Swiftbreeze said:

Ten years ago, someone important to me died. He was a big part of my life. To this day, I'm still so sad about it. There are periods of time where I'm okay but sometimes the pain comes back. This pain feels more than just normal grieving. I have lost other loved ones but for some reason I just really struggle with coming to terms with this death. Right now is one of those times. All I want to do is shut out the world and cry. I want him to come back, at least for one day, but I know that's never going to happen. I try to tell myself he's in a better place, but the thing is I don't know if he was saved or not. I was only ten when he died so I never thought to ask or have a conversation about it. Based on what other people say about him I think he was saved but only God knows.

Anyways, I just don't know how to cope with this. I feel like I should be over it by now and feel bad that I'm still having this problem. I have prayed about this a lot but this feeling always comes back eventually. I don't like being sad so that's why I hate feeling like this especially when there is nothing I can do about it to change what happened. Does anyone have any advice?

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I'm so sorry for your loss.
There is no time limit on grieving; it takes as long as it takes. 10 is quite young to lose someone - it's possible it was your first bereavement? Whatever the situation, you're allowed to grieve and feel sad, even now. In fact, it may be worse now, as maybe at 10 you didn't understand what was happening or how you were feeling, or you could distract yourself with other things that were going on in your life. If your family were anything like mine they may, with the best of intentions, have tried to shelter you from some of it.
I, personally, don't see your feelings as a problem - you loved him for a long time, so you are not going to forget about him suddenly.

I was 4 when my brother died, and it took me years (seriously, about 40,) to face up to it and then begin to process the questions that I had and the emotions I may have felt at the time. I think I always believed that he was with the Lord, but there were still the emotions of a sad, confused 4 year old to deal with. What helped me was a) talking to my house-group about him, b) doing the flowers at church on what would have been his birthday, especially as I never got to go to his funeral, c) collecting together the photos I had and putting them into an album, decorated with things I thought he would have liked, d) writing about my experience. Some of those things may help you, or none of them may - we all have to find our own way.
Have you seen a bereavement counsellor?

Swiftbreeze said:

Ten years ago, someone important to me died. He was a big part of my life. To this day, I'm still so sad about it. There are periods of time where I'm okay but sometimes the pain comes back. This pain feels more than just normal grieving. I have lost other loved ones but for some reason I just really struggle with coming to terms with this death. Right now is one of those times. All I want to do is shut out the world and cry. I want him to come back, at least for one day, but I know that's never going to happen. I try to tell myself he's in a better place, but the thing is I don't know if he was saved or not. I was only ten when he died so I never thought to ask or have a conversation about it. Based on what other people say about him I think he was saved but only God knows.

Anyways, I just don't know how to cope with this. I feel like I should be over it by now and feel bad that I'm still having this problem. I have prayed about this a lot but this feeling always comes back eventually. I don't like being sad so that's why I hate feeling like this especially when there is nothing I can do about it to change what happened. Does anyone have any advice?

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I feel the same dilemma as you do. Let's keep them alive in our memories. Keep living pure. There's always hope.

Strong in Him said:

What helped me was a) talking to my house-group about him, b) doing the flowers at church on what would have been his birthday, especially as I never got to go to his funeral, c) collecting together the photos I had and putting them into an album, decorated with things I thought he would have liked, d) writing about my experience. Some of those things may help you, or none of them may - we all have to find our own way.
Have you seen a bereavement counsellor?

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That type of arrangement worked for me.

That is a great way to keep our loved ones alive in our memories.

Forgetting never works. It will always come back. The solution is to remember. Let their memories grow with you.

Swiftbreeze said:

Thank you.

Yes, this was the first death I ever experienced (excluding pets). I still remember the day he died like it was yesterday. I just remember being in shock, like it wasn't even real. How could it be? This was someone I had known for my entire life. I couldn't remember a time when he wasn't there and now he was dead. It was just something I never thought about before. The next couple months were a blur. Everybody talked about him nonstop and everyone was so sad but it still didn't feel real to me.

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Adults are better equipped with dealing with bereavements, shock etc than young children are. I would guess they talked about him a lot a) because he was well loved and/or b) because his death was such a shock, and that's sometimes how we process shock.
I don't know any details, but the time between a death and a funeral is difficult, yet that's when others are usually most supportive - "I've just heard ....", "I'm so sorry ..." - and the cards, flowers and offers of help come pouring in. After the funeral, things seem, in my experience, to ease off a bit - but that's when it may start to really hit the family/loved ones left behind.

I do feel, maybe because of my own experience, that children can get overlooked at this time. It's probably not intentional; adults are so busy coping with their own shock and grief that they may forget that children need to do this too. Or there may be an element of "they're too young to understand", "we mustn't upset them - send them off to play with their friends" or whatever. Later, children may be upset or have questions, be scared to ask them in case the grown ups get upset again and so they, and their emotions, get suppressed. Then years later, there may be a feeling, or voiced opinion, that "you should be over this by now."

How can we be if no one has ever let us grieve, ask questions, talk about our memories and try to process it all?

Swiftbreeze said:

I didn't start coming to terms with it and processing what death truly meant until I was like 15 or so. I was sad before, but this is when it really hit because I finally understood it and by that point I had lost other loved ones as well. But for some reason his death is the hardest for me. I think it's because it was accidental and came out of the blue whereas with other deaths everyone knew it was coming. It has been hard to cope with ever since.

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Could be. And it was your first real experience of death.

Swiftbreeze said:

I haven't seen a counsellor but I've talked to my family about it. They are understanding but all they really say is to let him go which I don't know how.

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Family are great, but they will be emotionally involved, may not want to remember an upsetting time or even feel slightly guilty about the way they handled it around you/how they told you about it, etc.
A counsellor is not emotionally involved, and has been trained in the area of bereavement. It may not be right for you; I'm just saying.

Swiftbreeze said:

I try to tell myself he's in a better place, but the thing is I don't know if he was saved or not.

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That, I believe is the reason for the prolonged grieving. Praying you are able to commit that burden to the Lord.

My dear wife tragically lost her mother about 6 years ago. Yesterday was Mother's Day and we both shed tears missing her and talked about how much we loved her. I have been concerned about my wife's lingering grief over her mother's loss in the past, but I see now that it is ok.

Could this lingering grief be an opportunity for you to really explore how to more effectively lean on and rely on the Lord? A reminder from God that you need to Trust in Him? I wonder...

I'm a Catholic and what has helped me cope with bereavement is the regular prayers we offer for departed souls and offering of masses for them. We believe so sttpngly that our prayers can help departed souls on their peaceful journey and also to pray for those who were not saved before their demise. It helps a lot, knowing that your prayers and intercession on their behalf can save their souls from damnation

In answer to your question in your OP: I don't believe we "get over" the death of a loved one, instead, we learn to live without them (but carry their memory with us).

I love this TEDTalk from Nora McInerny: We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it

From the description: Nora McInerny shares her hard-earned wisdom about life and death. Her candid approach to something that will, let's face it, affect us all, is as liberating as it is gut-wrenching. Most powerfully, she encourages us to shift how we approach grief. "A grieving person is going to laugh again and smile again," she says. "They're going to move forward. But that doesn't mean that they've moved on."

Swiftbreeze said:

Ten years ago, someone important to me died. He was a big part of my life. To this day, I'm still so sad about it. There are periods of time where I'm okay but sometimes the pain comes back. This pain feels more than just normal grieving. I have lost other loved ones but for some reason I just really struggle with coming to terms with this death. Right now is one of those times. All I want to do is shut out the world and cry. I want him to come back, at least for one day, but I know that's never going to happen. I try to tell myself he's in a better place, but the thing is I don't know if he was saved or not. I was only ten when he died so I never thought to ask or have a conversation about it. Based on what other people say about him I think he was saved but only God knows.

Anyways, I just don't know how to cope with this. I feel like I should be over it by now and feel bad that I'm still having this problem. I have prayed about this a lot but this feeling always comes back eventually. I don't like being sad so that's why I hate feeling like this especially when there is nothing I can do about it to change what happened. Does anyone have any advice?

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Did you do proper grieving? For you to still be crying about this 10 years later, seems like you never really grieved your loss.

In most cultures in the world, you are encouraged, and even expected, to have a time of mourning. Go to the grave, every day for a week, or even a month. Talk out loud, and say the things to G-d that you wanted to say to this person. Admit all your pain and suffering, and tell the Lord all these things... out loud with your mouth.

None of this "speak in your heart" stuff. You need to say all these things.

If you do this, and it does not help, then you may need to ask the Lord to show you what it is that is holding you back.