Basically waiting for the insurance

salt-n-light

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The only reason why I have to live is because insurance agency will deny paying up the death benefit to my sister if I’m gone too soon.

I already have a 230k student loan debt that won’t go away, one policy I have is 250k that will take care of it and my parents can live in peace.

Couple more years 100k goes to my sister. Her late husband wasn’t able to get one and it left her devistated, so I know the 100k will give her the freedom she needs. So 350k in total would take care care of financial burdens.

Things would resolve itself beautifully.

There’s nothing left for me here, not a soul wants me around at this point, my mind is gone already, whatever reasoning I’m able to formulate in conversation is basically the last fragments or shadows of me. But people can see that I’m just not here. So it’s fine.
 

YJM

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The only reason why I have to live is because insurance agency will deny paying up the death benefit to my sister if I’m gone too soon.

I already have a 230k student loan debt that won’t go away, one policy I have is 250k that will take care of it and my parents can live in peace.

Couple more years 100k goes to my sister. Her late husband wasn’t able to get one and it left her devistated, so I know the 100k will give her the freedom she needs. So 350k in total would take care care of financial burdens.

Things would resolve itself beautifully.

There’s nothing left for me here, not a soul wants me around at this point, my mind is gone already, whatever reasoning I’m able to formulate in conversation is basically the last fragments or shadows of me. But people can see that I’m just not here. So it’s fine.

How old are you?
 
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Carl Emerson

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I know nothing of your struggle but at your age I was drug user, committed to a mental facility, administered ECT and reduced to a vegetable state. Jesus has moved powerfully in my life and 45 years later I Have a strong testimony of His amazing faithfulness, with many more years of fruitful service ahead. Some of this you can read here... Jesus's Ministry
He specialises in using the weak to fulfil His purpose. When He said 'it is finished' He indicated that whatever was needed to be experienced on the cross for you personally, was at that moment done. In Him, there is all you need to be whole and strong.
 
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YJM

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The only reason why I have to live is because insurance agency will deny paying up the death benefit to my sister if I’m gone too soon.

I already have a 230k student loan debt that won’t go away, one policy I have is 250k that will take care of it and my parents can live in peace.

Couple more years 100k goes to my sister. Her late husband wasn’t able to get one and it left her devistated, so I know the 100k will give her the freedom she needs. So 350k in total would take care care of financial burdens.

Things would resolve itself beautifully.

There’s nothing left for me here, not a soul wants me around at this point, my mind is gone already, whatever reasoning I’m able to formulate in conversation is basically the last fragments or shadows of me. But people can see that I’m just not here. So it’s fine.

Well I'm a soul and I want you around. The devil wants you to be another washed up statistic in the same sorry state that he's in. Christ has unlimited power to take you to a life that you never thought was possible. I've come through childhood abuse and abandonment, divorce, self harm and suicide, alcoholism and drug use, satanism and witchcraft and if Jesus can transform a sorry mess like me into a less sorry mess, then he can and will and wants to do it for you.
 
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LoricaLady

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You sound clinically depressed for sure, maybe because you have experienced some awful pain and rejection. The devil so wants you to give up! But your Heavenly Father is right there. Always has been. Always will be. HE loves you. HE wants you.

I think there is a place on this website where you might get some counseling. Maybe if you contact a moderator, with a "report" icon, or whatever, you will be led to some help.

I am so very sorry for what you have been going through!

I pray you get healing, guidance, freedom from suffering and joy in the Lord.
 
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